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voodoo Jun 28
oh, lovely โ€“

another of my ugly insecurities has come undone โ€“

unraveling from my heart, tumbling across the space between us,

ungainly in its amble towards your feet.

if iโ€™m sorry, will that be too little? if i perform an even bigger act of affection

(not always only for compensation)

will that be too much?

was it too much the last time?

as you watch me scramble for words, for explanations,

for comprehension of my own actions,

are you sick of me?

does it make your stomach turn to see my flaws? it sure does make mine.

i canโ€™t tell you ๐˜ช ๐˜ธ๐˜ข๐˜ด๐˜ฏ'๐˜ต ๐˜ข๐˜ญ๐˜ธ๐˜ข๐˜บ๐˜ด ๐˜ญ๐˜ช๐˜ฌ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ช๐˜ด without lying

that ๐˜บ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ ๐˜ค๐˜ข๐˜ฏ ๐˜ญ๐˜ฆ๐˜ข๐˜ท๐˜ฆ ๐˜ช๐˜ง ๐˜บ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ ๐˜ญ๐˜ช๐˜ฌ๐˜ฆ, ๐˜ช ๐˜ธ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏโ€™๐˜ต ๐˜ฎ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜ฅ.

anyway, would you like some tea while we watch this show?

this tragedy of errors on an endless timeline?

anything else to make your experience better?

am i condescending when i ask for concern? is it fun to battle my quiet anger with your quiet neglect?

iโ€™m sorry, maybe i assume too much. actually, iโ€™m sure i do.

itโ€™s so humiliating to find meaning in everything even when i know better.

oh, lovely โ€“

yet another insecurity.
I saw my white tongue in the mirror and a feeling of disgust came over me. I wanted to throw up.
the smell that entrances and calms the mind at heart
the beauty that draws the eye but with the fragility of withering apart
the scenery before me on the lonesome field brings me back when i was at peace
away from my broken mind where i'm brought back to the torment of seeing my reflection covered in a dark red grease
as i lay down in the field and lose focus in the vast sky i let open the gates of emotion to flood within
for being haunted by my past yet trying to move on with regret feels only like a sin
as the days grow darker my heart grows colder from suppression i've been cursed from this path i chose for myself
being trapped in this cage of isolated beauty hurts more than the cards i've been dealt
as i roam through the hills being careful to not ruin what little heaven i have granted for days on end
i think and ponder on what i have done to gain such relief from the anger but left alone to the hands of sorrow to be condemned
life seems funny as the flowers of never ending bloom show me nothing of the illusion of peace of mind
as the days go closer to a shade of black i stumble upon a unmarked stony grave which deep inside i know its mine
the flowers i've stained along the way have long forgave me but i lied feeling their false fury
for now do be it late i can smile knowing i've been freed as i'm tranquilly buried
Glass Feb 11
i dont know how to make you feel this
i dont know what words in what order
but i want you to see if but a glimpse
what it is inside this skull
because there is such unending emotion
and such vast blankness of nothing
sometimes i will just be sitting on the couch
the most innocuous of places as i scroll through
nothing of any particular meaning or significance
and then it opens
the floor beneath my feet is gone and there is nothing below
there will never be anything below
i will never hit the ground i will never touch the walls
there is nothing but darkness but visceral hunger but black desire
i dont know how to tell you just how bad just how sickening just how all consuming it is to experience
there is nothing else in my world there never was and there never will be
and that is the only thought that can occur when falling
or perhaps im floating even flying
there is no frame of reference
only this black of unfathomable intensity it makes me endlessly sad, infinitely mad, and simultaneously forever unfeeling
it makes me want to scream and rip the skin from my bones
it makes me want to destroy my body and my soul
it makes me want to curl up and cry for days on end
it makes me want to light my house on fire
it makes me want to run away at night in the rain and get hit by semi truck or train
i dont know how to write it so that you can feel just how deeply rooted it is
i want you to know how it feels i want someone to know what i am experiencing but i also want it to be poetic
i want it to have rhythm and i want it to make you feel the worst youve ever felt
because thats what its like when it opens
and i cannot get out and i cannot think of anything else it consumes me
i need to make someone else understand
it makes me aggressive and destructive
i learn by example because it grabs my jaw and pries my eyes
it forces me to look
it forces me to feel
it has something, maybe a talon or a fang, and when it pierces it becomes me
it courses in my veins it surrounds me inside and out
there is absolutely no way to avoid it and now there is not even a way to dislike it
once it is inside it controls me and i cannot even say i dont enjoy it because it is enjoying this and it is me now we are one and it is in power
if i were to still exist i would dislike it
but there is only it
my body has become just an object in its possession
just a vessel for the feelings
feelings is such an understatement of a word for what it is
it makes me so angry that i cannot find a way to truly say it
but like i said
i dont know what words
and i dont know what order
to make you understand and know
021022
Anna Maria Dec 2021
"why didn't you say anything?"
i didn't know how to admit it.
admit i was naive, dumb, selfish.
how could i have not seen,
that when he called me little girl
it wasn't a promise to protect me from the big bad world,
rather the fact that he liked them little.
stillhuman Oct 2021
Carpe diem my ***
you don't catch the moment
you don't capture life
you just take what you please
and then leave me with ease
you just do as you say
nothing really matters
not tomorrow and not today
you wash your hands
***** them up
and dry 'em on my spine
then you raise your belt
your stomach full
your brain dead
all around people are stopping glass from breaking
but your gaze is lost into the future
a future where I don't exist
and my figure is but a vague image
lost in the mass grave of shadows
you've met and forgotten
while I took on more
And more
And more scars on my back
from carrying all of your weight
but you don't see
You are at peace
no better place for you
than someone else taking the fall
I have never been capable of being angry at you and I never thought I would. But you've taught me to expect the unexpected.
Sonorant Sep 2021
A pearl mansion, three stories tall
Soaring on a halcyon hill.
A stretched view to read the world.
A throne with riches to fill.

The comfort of a swain.
But carnality in silence
An everlasting reserve of cake.
A bottomless appetite in defiance.

A quail in a cage, the keys in her hand.
To pluck the plume languidly.
A daffodil to determine fate:
โ€œI love him. I love him not.โ€

To spoil their fly,
To reap their fall.
Their loyalty hazily sewn
In grounds of her royal hall.

Heels encased in crystals of tears.
To lien their names
And shine her shoes
Perched high on a golden bluff.

To shutter her windows
On cloudy days.
To be a star in the night
Despite the moonโ€™s wane.

Eternal seasons of the self.
To watch feathers move
Without the burden of wind.
The quietude of stillness but to fill the void.

To reign solely as a dreary majesty.
To kiss and then walk astray.
Or perhaps earnest denial
To pacify the pain.
riri Sep 2021
don't put your hair back like that, your ears will show
don't talk to everyone about your problems, nobody cares
don't post that picture with her, you'll look like the ugly friend
don't even try competing with her, you don't even compare
you know you're not good enough

don't talk too much, nobody likes a chatter-box
don't talk too little though, nobody likes a boring person
don't smile like that, you'll show too much of your gums
don't laugh like that, you seem so obnoxious
you know you're not good enough

don't open up to explain your trauma, everyone thinks you're dramatic
don't do your makeup like that, no one likes a cake-face
don't wear those jeans, you're showing too much skin
don't just kiss him without doing anything more, you'll be called a *****

"please get out of my head" but i'm telling you the truth
"please leave me alone" i know the harsh reality is hard to accept
"i know you're telling me lies" no it's your intuition, just trust it
"maybe you're right, i am not good enough" exactly, finally you understood
self deprecation is what i do best.
WickedHope Sep 2021
Tie me up
Leave me
Hang me
**** me
When it ends
Maybe
I'll choke
On the
Noose
Around my neck
When it ends
Maybe
I'll choke
You choke me
But
Never enough
I keep breathing
I literally cannot take this.
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