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aha May 7
no, i am not a first grader
incapable of knowing when to capitalize
and i type in lowercase to be nonchalant
i don't capitalize 'i' because

i am not important
my self worth is lower than the Mariana Trench
it's hard for me to even address
myself without feeling annoying

i am not more important than the word prestigious
i'm not more pretty than the word beautiful
i am not as nice as the word affectionate
i'm not as secure as the word trustworthy

it's so hard to reprogram your brain to accept
that you can be of some worth, that you can be
desirable at all after years of too much thinking
and being alone and trapped in my mind

everyday i must try my best to remind myself
that the subject of a sentence is being
complemented by the beautiful words
like the way a close friends complement you

i have to remember that there are people there for me
even if my head tries to tell me otherwise
it's a struggle every time, but
'I'
just have to try
it's hard sometimes to remember that everyone has worth, even yourself...
Jacey May 6
I'm too young
to be this sick
of my own company.
Lila Apr 25
it's hard when
you finally understand yourself
but then realise
no one will ever accept you
for who you are
(i'll be closeted forever. can't come out in a homophobic country)
T Apr 23
Words,
They could never hurt,
They could never cut,
They could never make you bleed,
Physically.

Words,
A manifestation of self-hate,
Written in bold,
Anorexia, Bulimia, Depression,
I was sold.

Words,
The last,
Written on a bloodstained note,
"I can't stay afloat"
stillhuman Apr 19
I see her quite often, you know

She hangs around a small apartment
decorated with little potted plants
and empty coffee mugs
she smiles while taking inside
the clothes left outside to dry
she wears a comfortable jumper
the air around her is warm
and she smells so sweet
her soul is bright but scarred
she's been broken before
but her heart is still capable
of so much loveĀ 
So much more human
So much more real
and truer
than this
mess of thoughts
and blood gone bad
in a bunch of rotting meat
with shame stuck to skin
like dirt
Just spitting words that i found looking into space
My mom says,

"You look beautiful today"
She asks "have you lost any weight honey? Here's a salad before you go to work.
You dont want to get fat"

Mom says, life is always easier for skinny girls and that I haven't had it easy so maybe my weight is the problem.

I tell her I'm comfortable.
But as I walk away, I find myself gazing into my bedroom mirror pinching at the fat on my stomach
Wishing it was nothing but paper, because then I could cut it off and maybe then I would be happy and maybe then my mom would think I was good enough.
Mom says, "those leggings aren't flattering on you. And don't you know what people will say about you if you walk around dressed like that? Hide your body. Hide your curves, the world doesn't need to see your fat seeping through those nylon pants. "

I yell back " I don't care what you think! I LIKE THEM"
Mom says "yes you do, I know you do. Now go change and come eat your salad."

I force feed myself a salad for the 5th time this week and change into a baggy sweatshirt and some sweatpants.

I want to believe that I don't care what she thinks but her words feel like bee stings prickling my entire body and no matter how many times they attack, I don't grow numb to them.

I weighed myself today, I lost 5 pounds this week but im starting to feel sick from hunger, I'm light headed.

I head downstairs, the thought of inhaling every carb we have in the kitchen because it's been 2 weeks since ive had one and the cravings are too strong.

Just as I'm about to make some pasta mom comes into the kitchen.

"You look amazing," she says.
"You're so beautiful hunny I'm so proud of you. Wait... is that pasta? What are you doing? If you eat that you'll get fat again. If you're fat you won't be happy. You can't be happy. Put that down. Here's a pill for you hunny"

Take it when you're hungry, it'll take away the cravings and surpress your appetite.

I take the stupid pills that mom seems to think work like magic and I go back up to my room, staring at this body of mine that doesn't feel like mine anymore.

I hate myself.
I hate that I want to eat carbs and I hate that I dream of sugar every night.
I hate that my mom thinks I need a pill to fix who I am, as if I am unlovable when i am not losing weight.
Even as her daughter.

Growing up, we're always taught that our mothers are our protectors...
But I realize now my mother is the reason I never feel like I'm good enough.
I never feel like I'm loveable.

Mother's are suppose to make their daughters feel beautiful and empowered.

I spent my entire childhood on a diet.
To this day, I still hear her voice in my head.
Have a salad honey.
It will be easier if you're skinny.
Change into something else.

I wonder, if this will follow me forever.
If I will always be haunted, by my mother's shame.

I promise though,
If I ever have a daughter,
I will empower her to love herself no matter what.
I will teach her that love isn't based on your waist size and neither is acceptance you can find love at 400 pounds the same way you can at 130 pounds.
I will teach her she is beautiful.
I will make sure that when she grows up, she's not afraid to touch pasta, or have a sweet.
I will teach her, no matter what, SHE IS LOVEABLE. And so are you.. And so am I... I think...
Oka Mar 27
What am I to her?
I am emotionally defective
and physically secondhand.
You deserve luxury and excess
not thrifted vintage.
Your worth is immaterial
Tam Jan 11
If
only

I could once
again
become my own
friend

Then
maybe

I wouldn't
feel
lonely
I'm lonely in a crowd, and I'm lonely when I'm alone.
I used to not be this way.
I used to be content and happy alone.  
But then, I reached out to a crowd
and abandoned the friend I made with myself.
Now, I'm the culprit.
Tam Jan 10
Why can't you
love me?

You run after
somewhere else
to be

And

someone else
to see

But nothing
is gained

You only
end up
in pain.

Why can't I
love me?
This is addressed to myself. The self that can't love me. The self that refuses to accept me.
Chrissy Dec 2020
I can't even remember how to be who I was before the pandemic
I miss that girl that was confident-ish
that was hopeful
that looked positively upon the world
that loved adventure and sunshine

I miss her laugh
her smile
I miss her eyes that used to sparkle not with tears but with joy
she was just starting to leave her chrysalis
she was just learning to use her wings
her wings along with her freedom were claimed
all she loved stolen by what felt like a deadly gust of wind

Now I've just built up the strength to regather those scattered pieces of myself
but I don't think I'll ever be that me again
Does anyone else not feel like themselves anymore ?
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