for me it will always be you
and for you it will always be her
your smile
her eyes
your fingertips
her bedsheets
your words
her touch
and she will always come back but she will never choose you
and you will always want me but you will never let her go

I try to hide from the places in my head...
But running is not an option...
Facing the pain is like reaching out to grab a dozen roses only to be stabbed with thorns...
I used to say...I will worry about the pain later....
Left bloody, leaking a trail across my paths,
Everywhere I look the ground is painted red....
I close my eyes... but the smell of lead perfumes the air and my fingers are wet with the essence.....
I can not run from my mind.
So I hide in the shadows lost at my thoughts...
The memories are a burden to bear,
I’m hurting....
Yet no one is there.
Why haven’t I been found yet?
I open my eyes....looking down at my tightly, clenched fist, dead roses, dried blood, leaves withering...
All this time I’d been holding on to pain,
When my mind could have told my body...
It’s let go...of it...

N 3d

Dear depression,
I was 11 when you forced yourself on me. You never introduced yourself or even asked to be friends, you just took over my life. My happy days were gone, you kept following me around making me feel unwanted.
I did not want you here.
You grew as I grew, creeping into the quiet moments when I thought I was alone. You made me feel like I was nothing. I woke up looking forward to sleeping again - it was my escape. Yet you made my escape so difficult to reach.
I used to be so happy when the sun came out shining on my skin as I ran through the yard and laughed, with no care in the world.
But that laughter turned into tears, the sun into darkness. My heart and soul cries for help as I try to fight you.
You changed me - You keep me in my thoughts.
I'm stuck in a dark empty place that was once my self, but now it's gone. You left me far beneath my tears. You have taken my life away.
Why can't you just be gone already!!! I do not want you here, I never did! You have taken so much, what else do you want from me?!

I don't want you as a friend anymore. I can't take the constant fighting for my life. You ruined me. You ruined my mind, heart, body, and soul. You come back every time but you never leave. When will you leave me? I write sobbing knowing how much you have damaged me. I want you to leave and never come back.

There's not enough room for both of us.
So may the best one win.

N Nov 9

Nobody ever taught me how to love myself.
I was never told to love the way my hair falls into light curls,
or the healing scares all over my body.
I was never told to love my stomach, or my eyes, or my lips.
I was criticized all my life over the size and shape of my body.
Ever since I can remember I was told not to like myself,
to think of myself as nothing,
to always put others first.
I was never the number one priority and I never wanted to trust.
Even at home I was told by the ones I loved the most that I was not good enough.

This is where the feeling came of wondering if the ones I loved actually loved me.
Or was it all in my head,
did I just imagine that they had to.
I imagined my relationships with my family and friends as i thought they had to be.
I thought they had to say I love you.
But it's not like that.
It took me some time to realize that maybe they don't love me,
maybe it's just wanting the love and attention that all desire yet not all receive.
I was taught from a young age not to love myself,
and thought that I was not  loved.

Thinking back on it now I can see how that affected me.
Maybe if i was taught to love myself then I wouldn't be the wreck I am now.
Maybe I would have more self respect and wouldn't be destructive to my own body.
Maybe you wouldn't have been able to take advantage of me,
and neither would have the other three boys.
Maybe I wouldn't have ended up in that hospital.
Maybe if things were different in the beginning,
I wouldn't be so damaged now.

I wrote this last year and just found it in my notes
N Nov 9

After a while, everything stops working.
You just have to give it time to die.

AAA Nov 7

my body is a coat from the lost and found
It does not belong to me,
I am just borrowing it

N Nov 7

Recently I have allowed myself to get worse.
I stopped telling people how I was feeling,
I couldn't stay sober for more than a week,
I relapsed.
I hate myself for so many things that i have done,
I make the worst descisions,
I can't do things right.
I'm getting worse and I dont know how to ask for help.
It's hard, I want people to think I'm strong but Its hurting me.

God, this writing doesn't even make sense I'm so lost.

Julia Mae Oct 30

i do not make you happy
any longer
it is in your face
it is laced within your words that you speak to me
it is within your weary eyes that now look at me with such remorse and hurt
i no longer am
a source of your happiness
the realization of which
kills me slowly
but surely
i must go
because i can show you and tell you
how much i love you
yet it will never reach you
and i am so terribly sorry
for becoming a source of pain
but, i love you
and i, still do
so if you are free from me
you will bloom
into a happiness i could never obtain for you

One day
He will know everything about you
What you like for breakfast
The strange sound you make while laughing
That you always feel like
You need to prove something
But he will Tell you
That this is what makes you Special
Then he will leave
So you will stop eating breakfast
And you won't laugh anymore
Because you will start to think
That maybe, just maybe
Special is a Bad thing

theunknown Oct 29

The walls that I've made,
From the buttom to the top,
make it sturdy and tough,
so that no one can hurt me,
so that It'll protect me,
from the people that is not,
as nice as I thought,

But got only destroyed
to the brown eye'd boy
who I thought loved me whole
but only hurt me just like them all.

3 am thoughts
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