i've been having a difficult time
deciphering fact from fiction and fiction from
dreams i had when i was a child,
the percolation of the cells
in my chest grow heavy, enormous,
even,
pushing into my throat these
cries for anything
but drowning, anything but
tornadoes all alone,
but awkward kisses and tear-stained
celestial sheets of cotton.
where is my passion? have they taken it all?
was all that blood i've shed a lie?
do i want to end up dead?
i thought intellectual stimulants
and forced photographs in front
of that fountain, again,
could be enough to elevate my senses
back to reality, but i have only
learned how to decorate the darkness,
to numb the throbbing thoughts,
to stuff full the leaking veins of
love and lust and lost breaths,
enough to get out of bed
and into his or his or his
because i remember this place
from a dream i had as a child
and it hurts, i hurt, you hurt,
i smile and ask for more

my lungs weaken as my arms shroud my neck
it sees me as I dig myself into comfort
as I find myself in solace
it grabs my wrists from behind me
blindsided
pulls the wind from my cells
I crawl inside my eyes
black captures my surroundings

a tunnel of fog and glazed pupils

A pump. A thump. A beat.  
My blood, pumping in my ears.
A blur. A shake. A vibration.
My eyes, trying to focus.
A breath. A woosh. A whistle.
My lungs grasping for air.
Pounding. Tapping. Throbbing.
In the center of my head.
Ah-one. Ah-two. Ah-three.
Focus on these numbers.
Numbness. Itching. Crawling.
The feeling of my skin.
I take a step, Calm my mind.
One more breath, One more time.

Unto my life that's full of shit
Scattered broken pieces on my feet
I never done anything right
I never won any fight
I struggled to hold tight

Everyday is just me against the world
this life always get me hurled
and oh I heard the things that's going on behind my back
the word,the actions you commit that kept me out of track

Each breath,Each day doesn't feel like a gift anymore
But an obligation and responsibility that I need to work for

or perhaps a curse that makes everyday worse
or perhaps a fallacy on my whole perfect verse

You could've been the girl I've always dreamt to be with
But you slipped through my hands because you wanted to be freed
From my love,I thought my heart was your daylight
In your life's distresses, dimmest, and darkest night

I adresses you like a dream that is lucid
In my life that's full of nightmares,I know it sounds stupid
That you were the one I saw in my future, through wealth and through scarce
But how sad it is to grasp that I wasn't the one you envisioned to yours

How tragic and woeful could it possibly get,I said.
That I never considered you as my biggest regret,instead

You could've been the girl I've always dreamt to be with...
If only I was the guy you've chosen to be with

I want
my heart on a platter
so I can see the ins and outs
Want the act to matter
See it mirrored, my mouth, it shouts

Feels like
standing in front of the mic
singing of losing track of time
remembering this certain chime

Means I
don't really know how to defy
feeling lost in the rubble
of uncertainties and trouble

I hide
behind buckets full of the tide
I filled when the ocean didn't look
all I could see I took

I keep
time in a place safe and deep
live inside a moonlit jar
an ocean filled reservoir
read my own memoir
and said au revoir

Everyday
It eats away at me more and more.
Like some type of beautiful parasite.
The words I’m aching to say will never come
Rip them out of me
Make me say
What I cannot.

Sometimes we never know
what to say at times like these;
just hollow thoughts
roaring through a hollow body
that didn’t want the awkward silences
to be their legacy.