यूं सोचता हूं में..
खुद से पूछता हूं में..
आखिर क्यूं आपको पुकारने की ख्वाहिश होती है?
क्यूं जगते रहें वो पहर जब दुनिया सोती है?
वोह लकीरें क्यूं मिटे भला, जो बुलंद कल थे?
नज़दीकियों के पल क्यूं खामोशियों में बदले?
आपकी नाराज़गी भी मिल जाए, हमें वे मंज़ूर है
मगर बर्दाश्त नहीं होता जो आप हमसे दूर है
इश्क़ में की हुई गुस्ताख़ी भला क्यूं ना माफ हो,
जब आशिकी में डूबते हुए के इरादे साफ हो
I think at times..
Question myself at times..
Why do I wish to call you?
Why do I keep awake at the hour when the world sleeps?
Why should these lines fade, that were so distinct yesterday?
Why have the moments of togetherness turned to those of silence?
If your only response to me would be fury, I would gladly accept it
But I cannot seem to endure this distance between us
Why cannot a fault made in love be forgiven,
if the one to blame had intentions that were honourable?
Pulled an old one from my diary, because I have so many unfinished ones now :(
Just like the switch
to this ******* room,
I wish there was a switch
to turn off this heart,
this soul and
she looked at me with anxious eyes
biting her lip as if to hold on to a secret
"love me slowly"
she whispered with fear in her heart
as if the love I had for her
would run out
like sand through an hourglass
you can feel it coming sometimes
the other part of life
the sad one
the anxious one
sometimes when you are alone
there is no happiness
maybe thats the real part or
just a phase
Denim blue jacket
Fits that smile
Makes your perfect style
Straight long black hair
Rich smooth Chicana complexion
All makes me curious
What are these words I can’t speak?
Anxious, the river is rapid
But I still remain static
Your wandering eyes and I wonder
If you notice me
You however can talk
And you talked to me but
Is it part of a routine?
“What you get on the quiz?”
You one upped me on both
My mouth won’t work
I turn to my fingers
And my device
I found you online
I requested to follow
Rejected and in the end it seems
You want nothing to do with me.
I walk slowly
I’m pretty out of shape
But I think
I walk slowly
I talk slowly
Because I have other weight
Dragging me down
I have regret around my ankles
Guilt shackling my wrists
Like a barbed wire corset
Holding me back
******* me in
I’m afraid to move too much
I calculate my actions carefully
In order to control the damage
Reduce the harm
I walk pretty slowly
I stroll wherever I go
But it’s not leisurely
Steps shaded with shame
Strides laced with dread
I've been thinking through every aspect of us
Thinking of everything I could have done differently
Every kiss, every hug, every touch
I should've done it more? Maybe less?
Should I have told you I loved you more? Less?
You say it is not my fault but I can not help but wonder
Is there something I could have done?
Something to make you stay?
they have always been
and always will be.
the morning doth bring laughter,
the sunset a sign of dawning anxiety.
it is loud with every chirp,
it is eerie with distant silence,
it speaks words on top of words,
it is all the layers of tame violence.
(i want to believe there is someone.
i want to believe there is laughter filling the room.
i want to feel the warmth again,
i want to see the sun rise again soon.)
Do you ever feel so overwhelmed that every nerve in your body tightens? Just so angry and anxious that you want to shake the dirt off of every fiber of your being. Crank up the volume in the car till your eardrums vibrate and only hear one constant, extremely loud noise. Clutch the steering wheel, speeding down the highway, eyes darting to the metal side rail, battling the urge to slam into it and flip your car.
How do I fix this? How do I avoid feeling this way from the beginning? It's the smallest things that set this off and it's absolutely suffocating - like a building on your chest, gasping for air. I think being reckless and overloading the senses helps. Sure it can really hurt you, but in that moment, nothing is okay. I just want it all to shut up - all the thoughts running through my head, all the emotions bubbling up. I just want peace. If that means shaking loose all the parts of my brain and filling that adrenaline by speeding down the highway - then so be it.
2 hours of sleep and theres nothing to do but think
beats from lullabies softly sound in my ear
its 3am and I'll be getting 2 hours of sleep
2 hours of sleep to keep me going through this meaningless day
sit and eat
the 2 hours of sleep my body and mind so badly craved only fuel me to sit and eat
the soft taps of my dogs paws on my wooden floor dont make me smile anymore
2 hours of sleep make me feel so uninterested in everything I love
2 hours of sleep because I am worthless and have nothing to do but stare at my screen
2 hours of sleep is all I need
I graduated from high school in june and after that my life started going down hill again, I wrote this because I've only been getting 2-4 hours of sleep everyday for the past 3 months.