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kasia 19h
the feminine body, the feminine aura
was glorious. and she wanted to be glorious.
she could see it real in her mind's eye,
          feel it there in her body's soul.
the ***** of Her spine as She arches Her back
the curve of Her hips
the softness of Her touch...

          and men...
well, she never did see men as glorious.
          never could, it wasn't so.
there was a certain admiration, she supposed,
          one could hold
                    for their figure,
the magnificence of the human body.
but that gloriousness,
          the kind found in the tenderness of Her kiss,
                                      in the strength of Her self,
          that, they lacked.

so that's not why she envied them,
          but envy she did.
the way their clothes fit,
          the way they could move,
                    the way she could not.
they held convenience, she guessed.
she guessed.
          is that what she wanted?
          just a body so convenient?

the body of Woman
          still surely was not
          surely it was not
          surely not on her.
it was imperfect on her,
its beauty dimmed down.
a costume ill-fitted that she couldn't tear off.
and convenient masculinity
a disguise too well made,
an impression ill-suited that wouldn't wear off.

she was wrong, she was wrong!
          boy, girl, what?
was she wrong?
she wanted to be beautiful!
          it was Woman she admired.
she was not, they called her "boy"
          but of that role, she'd long tired.
what happens if you never find a place to stick?
acutely aware
that nothing will ever fit
someone, please, make a box
          and shove her into it.
some ******* abt what the **** i feel abt my gender and how i look n ****,,,, tl;dr, ****** hate myself and dont know anything .
cupid 1d
i wish my tears were just because i was feeling blue today
i wish i was faking it
i wish it were for attention but truthfully
i just want you to leave me alone
i wish everything i broke was just for show
i wish i could control it
control myself
i wish it was just because you said you didn’t like my appearance
i wish i weren’t different
i wish i didn’t feel wrong
i wish it was all fake
if only this could be a publicity stunt
i wish it was because i wanted to skip class
i wish it was for special treatment
i wish it all wasn’t because then you would understand
"is this because i said i hate your hair"
"i wish it was"
cupid 5d
i used to be scared of people
scared of what they could accomplish
scared of what would happen if they forgot me
my mother forgot me “once”
she scared me with her armfuls of scars and screaming
i think i scared her with my sharpie-filled walls and notebooks
my brain surface to surface coated in horror
i get scared by loud noises now
and i scare others when i make loud noises
i have become all the things that scare me
i now embody many of the things i hate
i scare myself
what i am capable of
is terrifying if i dwell on it too long
i suppose anything is if you think about it for long enough
oh no
i thought for too long
im scared of writing this
i dont like capital letters, i find them incredibly angering
look them in the eye,
and kiss them deeply
until all of their rage is gone.
swallow their pain and fury whole,
become the storm yourself,
learn to survive yourself
Shea 6d
"Crane my neck and scratch my name"
You've drawn too close to me
You see,
You're a drug
I need a hit
A lick or sip
To satisfy my habit
Laugh at it
Or live it
Either way you've---

I need to change
And not blame
My silly problems
I know I've got em'
But no one else needs to know
Cause if they know
They seem to blame
Not the one at fault
But the one playing my game
They forget
Their innocence in all of this
I don't want to hurt anybody
But it seems like I do
If I don't hold it in somehow
Then I will be the one who
Hurt everyone
And that---

I could keep dragging on
I could write a thousand lousy songs
To show you
Cause my actions never
Run the circle
I feel like a liar
Someone you despise or
Like a bug
Or feeding off of you
Like a parasite
I feel I might
Ask if you want me to leave
I know I love you,
But do you love me?
My worried soul
Needs to know--
I woke up with my head full of rocks and my stomach a butterfly museum

With several trying to escape up the back of my throat

Pain racks the rest of my body in waves

My brain is stripped of all that happened in the last 24 hours

Regret washes over me- only softly because...

At least for a moment I felt nothing

For a moment I was not reminded of this dull empty ache between my ribs

For a moment my head was in the clouds and my body was up there with it

The clouds were more like vapor I suppose

Surrounding my head in swirling patterns

Blocking every **** view

Including my own reflection and the intentions behind it

The people around the mirror were only fuzzy thoughts

Only in the back of my mind do those people exist

And with every swallow they become further and further muddied in the darkness

Not one possible consequence riddles my thoughts

Only when the sun rises and I peel open my dry eyes do I think for a moment

And even full of regret I will do it again tonight.
Before I knew it.
I pressed send.
A long text meant to be erased.
Thought about,
Re-thought about.
I smiled before thinking about
The initial reply back.
My heart sunk.
Constantly thinking.
The buzz of notification.
Exactly what to do when her face shows on my screen.
Exactly how to play off
The only voice,
The only face that mattered this time of night.
To be honest, I wasn't sure
What I expected to see.
Of course lying to myself.
My pinky underneath the phone
For support.
Waiting for reply.
A mental continuation
Bringing another thought to the message sent.
Fighting the urge to send Lol.
I sat almost a lifetime.
The same heart wrenching feeling.
The moment you realize you lost your phone.
Or my case.
A brief text denying all evidence of what stares at her nose.
Brightly lit.
Signifying what I saw
When she'd call, when she'd text.
That same delicious smile I'd heart over a million times.
All reserved for future reply.
Life is like a game of chess
I've been thinking about this a lot as i try to rest
Intially it's a game you strive to play with another
Playing chess alone wouldn't be worth the bother

Now i know probably not original to compare life to chess
But i cant help see the resemblance, if i may stress
Chess gives you many players to help you along
With those players comes choice right or wrong

Every move you make causes another to act one way
Later you might regret not letting that piece stay
You have a goal to make it out safe and win
And of course you try to succeed even with a little sin

A many time you may be trapped by another
Maybe a piece you counted on turned into a bother
You stragetize every move in order to survive
But at the same time won't win unless luck is on your side

Sometimes it's hard to see through the chaos which move to pick
One day you'll be a queen feeling mighty and slick
But one wrong move and you'll feel useless as a trapped ****
But the game doesn't end until your last breath is drawn

No matter how hard you fight you may find yourself in ultimate checkmate
causing a panic and crying you lost your fate
Or you may find you succeeded your goal and came out safe and sound
Though either way you are still not bound

With whichever result you find yourself in
You can always  start over with a new beginning
Although im sure most can relate
That mostly every game of chess you'll play ends in a stale mate
Idk just thinking a lot and super anxious and exhausted
I wish I was beautiful

I wish "make-up is just for fun"
Wasn't a lie

I wish I wasn't so anxious
all the ******* time

I wish I didn't think about killing myself
every single night

I wish my husband
wasn't the only thing keeping me alive

I wish I wasn't depressed
I wish I had more drive

I wish that I believed
that I can actually do something in my life

I wish I didn't worry
About what others say

I wish we still had that love
that I miss every single day

I wish I wasn't holding back tears
typing this whole thing out

I wish things were different.
I wish I brought you happiness
I wish I didn't think you were obligated
I wish I made your heart full
I wish I wasn't so down
I wish I didn't have to control everything
I wish I could just let things go

I wish I still had a therapist
that would tell me what to do

I wish I didn't have to hide my tears
So I don't shed them in front of you

I wish I was good at writing
It's something I've always loved to do

I wish I could look in the mirror
and find a much better view

I wish I didn't feel like I was broken

I wish I could pick a style

I wish I didn't hate rhyming

I wish I didn't think you were mad at me all the time

I wish I didn't keep having nightmares

I wish my medication worked

I wish I could get a grip

I wish I could handle what life throws at me

But here I am writing a wish list that I'm anxious will just sound like I'm complaining about life and not show how terribly anxious and depressed I really am.
Lydia Nov 1
I feel like my skin is crawling
I am bottled up
and my jaw keeps clenching
I am just feeling rough this week
I need a break
Can't wait for one
I hate when I'm like this
I can feel myself being angry
and a little mean for no reason
I dont mean to be
It's that feeling of needing space
but also being cuddled at the same time
I can be so stubborn when I'm like this
which aggravates me more
I wish I could peel off my skin today and put on someone else's
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