I'm addicted to my favourite
non-existent recreational drug,
cueing in; compulsive lying.
The additional side effects
to my mind, soul and heart,
ain't as bad as I thought.
When I'm being questioned
about my troubling mental health,
I lied straight through my teeth,
that nothing could kill me,
yet I wanted to kill myself
the exact same hour.
I once lied to a friend that,
I will stay by her side
but in actuality,
I didn't even want to
stay in this world
But the biggest lie
that ever happened
is by telling myself
that I will soon be alright,
and lying is my only
You know what I love
about this addiction,
is that it's a distraction
from the real harm,
which is self-actualisation,
of my ailing self.
the golden hour often comes when we least expect it
but we pay it no attention and proceed
unaware and naive
i wake up more often than not with a sore tongue
sore from having to keep my mouth shut for so long
for even a single word can ruin so much of what i have
i feel the safest enclosed in a white box
enclosed in a larger box in the middle of the city
where the previous cannot find me
but eventually, sore feet drag me back to the place i dread the most
my mind is a galaxy
when my veins are pumping
nothing but carbonation
maybe if you would answer
i would come down from
but i binge binge binge
while our love is on the fringe
but you know
it takes at least a day for my veins to go flat..
Anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious you dont need to be anxious its just that she is in a relationship and its not with me anxious anxious anxious I should not be this anxious about something so small and it isn't even real we aren't a thing anxious but I wish we were anxious and she would be willing anxious I just want to kiss someone anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious I wish I wasn't so anxious I wish I was just high anxious so I could forget and chill and feel good anxious fuck I hate this anxious I want to cry anxious I should take my meds again anxious what is this the third day anxious
I wish I could tell her anxious I want her to love me back anxious god damn it PLEASE anxious I JUST WANT TO FEEL LOVED AGAIN GOD DAMN IT anxious anxious ANXIOUS ANXIOUS ANXIOUS ANXIOUS ANXIOUS ANXIOUS ANXIOUS anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxioous anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious why do I have to be so anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious I still feel anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious
Maybe not so anxious.
Someone told me once that they admired
the beauty of my writing,
they had fallen in love with the way
I made my sadness appear as beautiful.
And I hated it, I did not take it as a compliment
because sadness is nothing to be proud of.
There is nothing poetic about wanting to kill yourself
and writing suicide notes trying to
make sense of who you’ve become.
There’s nothing poetic or beautiful about
crying yourself to sleep hoping someone
would care enough to save you.
Only to find out that you didn’t need someone to save you,
the only person you needed was yourself.
There is nothing poetic about being depressed,
it will not be like the movies, and some beautiful boy
won’t come and fall in love with you and save you,
you have to save yourself.
You have to fight your way
through the bad days, and sometimes
you’ll just have to sit through the sadness hoping that it will pass.
There’s nothing poetic about staring at the walls
of your bedroom trying to convince yourself that you’re okay.
There’s nothing poetic about trying to take your
own life and surviving, it doesn’t make you some hero,
and the world will not be gentle with you.
There is nothing poetic about being young
and taking anti depressants because you don’t know
who you are without the sadness, there is nothing poetic
and beautiful about having depression.
There is nothing beautiful about my depression
or anyone else’s depression,
and there will never be anything poetic about it.
Consistent and stringent hygiene habits.
Less swearing, more silence.
More attentive while driving.
Relocated out of that seaside town where people only feuded.
Avoids familiar faces, except for those that have been held close.
At least the beach is still pristine.
Some miles away, a man believes he deserves everything there ever was.
Indefinite lay-offs for current federal employees.
All military members on leave called back to base.
A box is somewhere.
It has food for one day,
And a pistol.
It sits idly by the door.
“You’re beautiful,” he says wholeheartedly in bed
“And you’re the only thing that goes on in my head.”
She looks at him concerned and declares
“I think I’m all right as if anyone cares.”
“I care!” he whispers into the night.
“I care about you, you’re a great sight!”
She smiles and nods and looks in his eyes
“I wish I could believe all of your lies.”
“Who says I am lying?” he responds with a frown.
“I try lifting you up but you always stay down, why?” he asks more concerned
As if these words will help her concur
“I’m sorry,” she looks down, “I don’t believe your words.”
“They’re too extravagant for me. Too robust.
If anything I think you’re just full of lust.”
He looks at her astonished, then grabs her hand,
“I try my hardest to make you feel grand.
But with the way you act, it’s seems it’s not worth it.
If I try my hardest and you try your worst,
Then what’s the point of having you closest.” his eyes well up and his belly is full of anger.
“I apologize for being so nice, when all you want is a sadder device.”
At this point, she stopped listening, she knew what he was saying,
It’s the same thing over why she’s insane.
“Why can’t you feel that I love you so?
I love you as much as the wind blows!”
She looks at him once and then twice and shakes her head
“I try to see how you do, I try to see it in every way possible
But my mind doesn’t seem to get over that obstacle.
You do everything a man is to do with a lover
But I guess my soul is just made out of rubber.”
He looks at her strangely and tries to put it together
Twisting his mind into shapes unimaginable he looks at her and states
“Well, this is unfathomable. I do everything I can to make you happy!
And you don’t seem to want that, no not at all!
It’s almost like you’re trying to be a drawl!”
She turns away instantly, now she’s angry too
Why would he say such a thing to her?
She wants to be sad, she wants to be afraid
“You know what?” she says “You’re totally right.”
Confused and upset he gives her a weird look.
“This melancholy feeling is all in my brain.
I only do this because I want constant pain.”
“That’s not what I meant! That’s not what I wanted to say”
“Well it’s what you had said, and that’s how it’ll remain.”