Took a test to see
If I was depressed;
Well, the site
probably lied -
They need us to think we're sick
They need to earn.
In denial , as always.
Though I feel darkness does encroach
Much anxious anticipation looming
One idea can be held with certainty
As safe as possible in assuming ...
'Tis the sweat picture of you
My lovely little sprite
Kept within my heart
Both day and night
Which holsters my resolve
And inspires my soul
As each though of you
The corners of my mouth upward pull...
Such a deep connection
So easily made
Taking no time to form
In no extent shall fade
'Tis this feeling
Loves saving grace
Which comes to me in thoughts
Of your gorgeous smiling face!
It’s like everyone around me can’t see my pain, it’s like there is something wrong with my brain.
I’m feeling really drained, I think that I might go insane...how could I restrain?
My chest is really heavy and my head is feeling wavy, I cannot keep steady.
Where is my self control? I’m feeling completely un-hole.
Something has taken over my soul and I have lost all control.
I feel so hopeless, I don’t think that I can cope with this.
My chest hurts, it feels like it’s on fire.
I can’t stop the tears, it’s blurry.
My legs are feeling weak, i’m going to collapse.
My head is pounding, this is not stopping.
My life isn't always filled with sadness and grief.
I just have this bad habit of only writing when I'm hit with mental illness and misbelief.
When I inhabit this place of mind, the only way to escape is writing until I’m able to leave this behind.
Everything gets intertwined, I get the feeling of hatred towards humankind.
But all of this does not last, it goes away and then it comes back.
Bright city lights,
I’ve never seen dark nights,
except the ones in my head,
only darkness seems to spread
I hate this anxious feeling just before a change,
Hate to have this feeling when I feel overwhelmed and everything becomes hard to manage,
Heart beat runs faster than train,
this makes me feel so drain,
Man! Why it doesn't have a stop
just like a train?
It makes me feel dizzy,
when I try to control,
Makes me wonder
from where It comes,
all of sudden,
I lost in its thunder,
And it does rain,
When it makes me completely lose my brain.
Hate to have this feeling just before a change.
Cadence Aurora - 19th may, 2020
Time - 7:54 PM
I'm afraid to be loved.
But that doesn't mean
I don't want to be loved.
I know I say mean things
about myself all the time,
but I do that to protect
myself from potential danger
and unnecessary heartache.
I'm only human,
or perhaps a bit too human.
I can't deal with too much hardship
because it will only make me
spawn an ocean of melancholy.
And I do not want people to see
me drown in my own weakness.
I simply can't allow it.
So I **** it up and carry on.
You might think my mindset
is brave and indeed
it is, to some degree.
But most of all it is painful.
It's so ******* painful.
But I'll get through it, I have to;
until I crash and burn.
Even with you, I’m so ******* lonely
We don’t really talk much, you just want to hold me
I need so much more depth, much more connection
But it seems like you’re only interested in getting an *******
Is there anything left to experience or is this all we’ve got
Because I’m not having any fun, nothing’s being taught
Where is your wisdom, where is your love
Where are your feelings and what you’re thinking of
I just feel so far away but you insist this is right
We hardly ever talk from morning to night
We don’t really sit down and get to know each other
You never let me finish my story about having a half brother
What’s the point of this, is this even nice
I’m not heeding my soul, I’m just smoking my vice
Head in the sand and dirt in my ears
I’m not listening to my heart, I’m listening to my fears
A little ******, so the flow may be a little off, but I just needed to express these emotions in their rawest form.