At times I feel socially awkward
hiding away those eyes from contact
mumbling and stuttering
as though I were stumbling,
upon the words as I was discovering.

Please don’t think I don’t want to talk
when I rush out,
Please don’t think I don’t want to talk,
when I don’t open your messages.

I escape out of nervosity
I feel the fuzziness in my head
butterflies in my stomach
nervosity in my nerves
lack of air in my lungs
tremble in my muscles
and the gritting of my teeth on my nails
as it drains every ounce of energy out of me.

I hide behind shadows
so I don’t encounter any social interaction.

No matter how many times I plan
and play a conversation in my head
I shudder and fret in reality,
making myself look like an awkward mess.

I want to be friends
I want to say hi
but the words do not escape
for I feel tongue tied.

I feel conscience and dreadful
for being such an awkward mess
choking on words
unable to let them
escape my tongue.

I am thinking
more than I am speaking
I can have a conversation in my head
but somehow, I find it difficult in reality.

But then you reach out
and make the first move
It makes it easier;
only to find myself
being an embarrassment once again.

But you don’t judge
you play it cool
and remain patient
you still show an eager to talk
and maybe that was what I needed
to be comfortable and me.

You were made of words;
A description brought to life
A creation of my imagination
Someone who can be mine.

your wordy essence clinged to my skin
and aura spread through my nerves
making ever cell fall in love.

It was the type of love that ran deeper than skin
and deeper than for the people I knew that exist.

Eid Al Adha;
Eid of Sacrifices
and the celebratory end of Hajj.

Purity abides around their heart
as souls are blessed with the
sown seeds of joy.

Allah hu Akbar;
takbir echoes
as devotees congregate in
every mosque nearby.

They wear embellished clothes,
extending their hearts to one another
and capturing the ecstasy
in every single encounter.

Sentiments are reciprocated,
and gratitude is manifested
on such an occasion
as we recall the origins of the
reason we sacrifice;
and that is to follow the order of Allah,
as Prophet Ibrahim did.

I was your fuel
You were my drain
I was your blessing
You were my lesson
I was your cure
You were my disease
I was saving you
You were killing me

- I was calming your soul, you were stirring mine

Verbalizing out her interests
attracted opportunities.

She planned to play with every insecurity,
learning, growing and blooming
with every opening.

She just had to take a chance
for the possibility.
Event hough she was dubious and stuttering.

But soon there would be rhythm and fluency
and there she would find unity in
a community.

I’m a paradox.
I say I don’t care,
when I really do.

I say I don’t need someone
to ask me how I am,
while I am longing them to.

I say my voice matters
and act as though it doesn’t.

I want someone to know my emotions
when I haven’t told them
and never want to tell them either.

I want to be happy
but I think of sad thoughts.

I am lazy,
yet I am ambitious.

I crave attention,
love and support
but reject when it
comes in my way.

I am strong,
yet run back to the ones who hurt me.

I am a conflicted contradiction.

Deeper than the captivating shape it has,
Lies a greater purpose it stands for.
So vast and strong,
It rotates laterally
and extends at your will.

It stands strong, defying gravity
cushioning you for your comfort
and holding your pelvis still.

So appreciate it for more than it's curves;
stand tall and thank your behind
when you bend.

For it is greater than
it seems.

But the lovebirds turned into ravens and heart warmth into heartbreak. The pain felt inexplicable as I crumbled to the floor, face scrunching up to let out a gasp through the heart-wrenching sobs. It was as though someone ripped my heart out of my chest and bore a hole in my mind and soul with no hopes of repair.The future we painted was tinted and washed with the tears that scraped my cheek, that once used to blush. Our love didn’t have a Disney proof happy ending or of the star-crossed lovers that fought by one another’s side.
Visiting areas where we spent time dragged me through memories, attacking my nerves and ravaging upon what was left of my being. The home we built and leveled with intimacy, trust and love reduced to ruins, crumbling and collapsing. It’s like my heart is dying a slow death, shedding hope like leaves every day until there is none. Our love sailed for some time but only to end up shipwrecked. Fragile like the glass that awaited to broken until the shards fit no more.
Defeaned by the repetition of the melancholiac rhythms that soothe my spasming and scorched heart as the beat resonates with my heart and lyrics echoes in my skull. The wound that was cut bleeds deep for there was no scab to heal; endless anguish and agony. The pain felt like a constant ache, a constant stain on the floor and the pillow. But then it came in waves, crashing and enveloping me in its depths, stealing appetite and sleep. Drifting away from the shore where the people lie, I find myself drowning in isolation. Inhaling the heaviness that made me one with the sea.
The echoes of your words in my skull send pulsating self-doubt questions that make me question my worth. “Was he not the one?”. The world seems like it’s going to end and that I will never find love. But instead live with a heart yearning your name and the broken, hollow vessel that I have become.
You changed the way I thought of myself and now I don’t know who I am without you. The world seems to ripped from my arms for I didn’t have you to turn to. No one to catch me; to caress and to soothe. Your face is engraved in my memory, without you, everything seems meaningless. Saturating myself further in dreaded apathy. In a shattered state, I am further tortured in dreams if I were to find sleep in the darkness that consumes the night.
Plastered on a smile and laugh occasionally, when deep down I am longing, drowning and gasping to breathe with your name on my tongue.I mourn the unspoken words while my head hangs heavy in the thought of you, every fiber and cell missing you.

Losing people is hurtful.
But finding yourself from it all
makes the pain worthwhile.

Selfless love
pours out like a waterfall
from her loving and caring heart
nurturing all who would drink from it.

Courage seeps from every inch of her muscle
protecting and guarding
For she is our guardian angel.

Her heart beats at a different frequency
But resonates with each one of ours
Embracing and harmonizing
creating a beautiful symphony.

Like a sunshine
she refuses to eclipse
radiating positivity and happiness
To the deepest, darkest of corners.

Encouraging, rearing and believing
pushing and advising
she gave and gave
planting flowers in our gardens
helping us bloom
and bringing the best versions of ourselves forth.

Unconditional and pure is her love
Patient is her soul
She is our mother
And a very happy birthday to her!

The crescent moon has been sighted
Lantern of hope has been ignited.
Doors of mercy have been opened
And the devils have been chained.

It is the month,
Where clusters of sin await repentance
And good deeds worth are multiplied.

The month
In which we abstain from food
From dawn till dusk;
Empty stomachs
But tongue heavy from thikr.

A month
Enlightened with Allah's vast mercy
And extreme prosperity,
Tasting rewards
And bathing in immense blessing.

So choose to
Break mouldy habits
Reform the fabrics.
Reboot your entity
And Recharge your faith.

Choose to strengthen the backbone of your lives;
The pillars of Islam.
Recite the book that has been bonded with threads of faith
and encrusted with pristine words of Allah.

Choose to unshackle yourself
from the blackening shackles;
Untangle from messy mirage of the world
entwined with your wrist
And braid it into ladders to heaven.

Choose to join congregation at prayers
To pray to Allah seeking his affinity
Asking for forgiveness and pray for agility.

Choose to handle tough times with sincerity
And dig faith in one another.
For strength and forgiveness
can be found under his love
And this can be the month
That can bring you a step closer to Allah.

Revenge,
that drove my mind insane,
diminished peace,
and replaced it with echoing chaos.

Revenge,
that filled my heart with hate,
venom in my veins,
ice in my soul,
fire in my eyes
and bitterness in my tone.

Revenge,
that made those moments rot
in anger wrapping up deceit.
Letting me dwell in darkness,
chaos and pain.

Revenge,
that makes more malice
to my hand.
So, I lay upon you to scourge.

Revenge,
that makes me feel like a villain,
with a prison sentence that never transpires.

Your thoughts are far from the ground,
Like cumulonimbus clouds thundering by
And pouring rain. 


Life seems to pass by, scattered and wispy 

with the sound of the wind like a whistling train playing
as you stare at the elusive silver lining.

The pit patter of Peter Pan being lost
dwells heavy in your heart,
As you revise the sequence of the cumulus memories.

Life paces
As you ignore the malice and bantering of the crowds
Sticking your head above up into the clouds
half-deaf to reality in the room.

You have a foot in a fairy tale,
And one in the abyss.

Dear technology,
You replaced my emotions with emoticons
Voice with fonts
Love with likes
Compliments with comments.

You make distance seem so close
But you have no sense of touch
For you overrode internet connection over soul connection
You gave me a list of friends, yet I feel so alone.

You made me believe in a world all of your own
Pictures to prove their existence
Status to update me on their life
And a message to make me feel connected.

Unfortunately you are not for everyone. Not everyone will like you. Not everyone will love you regardless of what you do and how nice of a person you are. Not everyone will vibe with your energy and not everyone will understand and support you.

Even though it is a bitter pill to swallow at times don't let it make a turmoil of your emotion and deplete your energy. Because your time and energy is so much more precious than exhausting yourself by shapeshifting to pander to the whims of others, moulding yourself to fit in every where and hence retaining no shape to call your own.

Choose not to sacrifice your uniqueness to succumb buttering up their bread. To Be selective with your energy by politely waving them goodbye to stand by your values and lifestyles that most deeply resonate with you. Choose to take social risks regardless of the awkward glances and haughty whispers. Choose to not care of what others think to the point it stifles your ability to take risks and disrupt your social satisfaction.

For there is nothing more liberating than to not waste your life allowing the faultfinders to dictate your actions. To seek to align your actions with your heart. To stand up for something, to do and believe what brings  content regardless of it being disliked. It is beautifully candor being your authentic self.

When you lay there
thinking your life does not matter,
every exhalation meaningless
every unfaltered lub dub wasted.
Go out there
and make a difference in someone's life.

Help,
be compassionate
give yourself a sense of purpose.

Because it is then
when you will breathe life
into your life.

When you will find
yourself grounded and rooted
rather than swaying like the wind
and allowing time
to slip like grains of sand unnoticed.

Allow fluffy clouds
of magical wisps
to fill your head
and propel you forward
to fill you with color
and life.

So choose to bring peace and joy
to someone else and yourself
for you will not be just be surviving
but bringing significant difference
in your own beautiful way.

She wrote his name on the seashore, along with what she never told. Taking a step back, she let the turbulent waves crash upon the shoreline and wipe away it all away. She let the words be taken back by the retrieving waves, letting them be lost in the sea. Inhaling the cold air that made every cell of her shiver she hoped one day the words will be whispered by the breeze from the sea.

Life gave me the truth
in exchange for my youth.

I would've torn myself
limb from limb
to appease your hunger
but you still would't have wanted me.

I would've broken my bones
to build you a throne
but you still wouldn't have wanted me.

I would've wrung myself dry of blood
to quench your thirst
but you wouldn't have wanted me.

I would've skinned myself
to stitch you clothes
but you still would't have wanted me.

I would've burned myself
to keep you warm
but you would still leave.

I sat there like a museum of moments,
a mosaic of emotions
as she dissected my personas
and did an autopsy of my past.

Memories climbed my spine
from the forgotten attics in my heart
with every question, she asked.

But my tongue was a drought
and my voice box was a rust box,
as the child in me
was bullied into quietude.

My edgy, messy and raw memories
molded my perception,
rewrote my interpretation
and deepened my experience.

There was underlying vengeance
as the layers of fabricated scabs were scrapped
to disclose the deeply entrenched, tender emotional scars.

As the present, struck a cord
my limbs would turn into cement
as the echo would bring me back
to the endless street of time
and I would be dragged
through open wounds within me.

The pain would seep in the nooks
and crannies of my soul.
At every jibe and remark
one more part of my flesh
would be chiseled away.

The sky would join in my sorrow
as the clouds gathered like sheep
summoned by a shepherd
and then we would begin to weep
our unresolved issues
onto tissues.

I revisited the bathrooms
that became sanctuary in high school
with its gossip soaked walls
and tear-stained countertops.

I dream of the people
that have lost their way in my memory;
a fabrication of nostalgia.
But the tranquility of waves,
can’t even erase the memories of their wrongdoings.

My past engraved itself
into my muscle memory
ingrained its teachings
and matured my sensibility.

The dim shadows that would creep
And the blues that I would pour
are becoming budding flowers in my chest.

Weaving from the same web
I was entangled in
building from the same sorrows
I was drowning in.

I began connecting,
understanding its stem
stitching my memories.

I write for my younger self
who felt silenced and erased by the world.

I shape all the tainted pieces of memories
into art and paint shades of my past
as each is soaked in a memory.

I craft subconscious relief,
breathing memories
into 6 alphabets
that were strung into paragraphs,
beginnings and end.

I reached out to corners
to bring out
sunrises and sunsets
and reignite dying embers
as I de-spell the damage that silently reverterbrates through generation.

I find home in my skin
and love myself, whole;
Shadows, crevice and all.

Him: She looked different, I hadn’t seen her face this bright in a really long time. In that moment she was the moon, the star, a luminous soul that stood before my eyes. She was like confetti, leaving sparkles where she stepped. It wasn’t like the happiness she plastered on her face or the smile that made dimples appear on the ends of her lips. This was different. I could feel the energy. 
Her cheeks swallowed her eyes whole and those hidden teeth behind her lips were exposed. It was just everything about her, how her voice was powerful and high-pitched just like a youngster. The way her pupils dilated and showed all her excitement. The way her soul radiated excitement and joy. It was everything about her, the way she moved, the way she spoke, the way she laughed. Happiness made her feel like she could do anything. Happiness was more than just beautiful on her. It was luminous and powerful.

Her: This happiness felt ineffable. It was more than just a star lighting up in the dark, it was more than the darkness fading away. It wasn’t the happiness that is supposed to be picture perfect or the commercially perfect of having pearly white teeth. It was the one that my soul roar and bursting away from the confinement. It was the happiness that made adrenaline rush through my veins and neurons spark every cell of mine. It was the happiness that made me not care about what others thought, whether I was too much or over-excited. I was happy, I was more than happy after a very long time. It didn’t matter to me. I felt fierce. I felt like a child. I felt everything beautiful and powerful. I didn’t want to lose it to others words or to anything in this world. I was going to protect it, guard it and hold on to it. I was going to shine and radiate.

"I don't care if it's a joke in your eyes." She said with no hesitancy and a certain sharpness in her voice. Her softness faded and boldness came over. Her stare was razor sharp as though she could **** someone but it was also disciplined more than impulsive. It wasn't rage, it was fire; fierce and courageous that l hadn't ever seen her dress in. She looked intimidating but strong. She looked daunting but fearless. "There is a limit to jokes, I do joke around and it is fun to a certain point. But there are words and actions I will not tolerate and that is my personal choice. My boundary. I don't care if I love you or if you are my friend. I don't care if you are the closest person to me or the farthest. I will not let your actions or words compromise on my self respect anymore. It is my self value that I stand by. Your actions, words do not define me. The way you treat me does not bring down my worth and neither does it matter to me anymore. I am not a reflection of who you treat me. I know who I am now, I know what I stand by. I am not afraid of losing you or afraid to be seen as a person who overreacts" She stepped in closer, sending a shiver down their spine. "This is my self respect, value, and boundary - accept it or leave"

Alluring was her beauty;
sweet as the roses that intoxicated the air
and soft as the petals that caressed their skin.
But look deeper
to the roots
you’ll see the thistle she hides;
For if you get to close
you’ll see a different side.

I come from a place of empathy
where perceptions
is a mix of colors
of hers, his and their
perspective.

I come from a place of empathy
where ears are made of patience,
drums sensitive to the change in wavelength,
de-weaving complexity
into simplicity.

I come from a place of empathy
where the emotions lacerating
hearts – sliced,
run parallel through me.

You lock into my embrace,
finding the comfort of compassion
amongst the rusty and scraping conditions.
  
When you project anger, fear, and angst
I start dissecting your past,
your rearing,
justifying and understanding
the origins of the
hand and experiences
that shaped you.

You render your mind open,
as I step in
walk among the stars, darkness
and the turbulent waves crashing within.

Your emotions tingle my skin,
and linger within me
as I understand wor(l)d apart,
developing cross-cultural understanding
and objectifying subjectivity.

Though I begin to understand
the origins, stem of your being,
swaying with your words
and hazing in the paradox of other’s being.
I choose to succumb to gravity,
and remain sturdy on certain beliefs.

We are stars wrapped in skin
A universe in ecstatic motion
Having a heart pulsating like a supernova
and eyes made of stardust
that shines bright in the darkness.
Thoughts like candlelights
Flickering on and off.
So protect your light
Protect your flame from the ice of others
Let it burn, let it burn brighter
Let it burn from within till it’s out
Let your light shine, whatever form it may be.

An autoimmune of a nation,
why are you letting your wrath
stemmed from crisis
burst open like lysosomes?
Why do you digest
yourself and one of your own?
Don't you take pride
when the one who has the same
nation weaved on his skin
uplifts the wavering flag of your land?

Why would you mute
and suppress them
rather than water them,
like the beautiful nature that
blooms from your own ground?
Why would you steal
and harm your brothers and sisters,
letting your mentality succumb
to toxic-narrow confinements?

A masterpiece of intricate mosaic
A beauty underlied with chaos
She lets them see,
What she wants them to see.

I am losing myself
Everything is
crumbling
shattering
snd scattering.

Masks are coming off
Truth is coming to light.
Fake ones start to claim their identity
and people are leaving,
the ones I thought wouldn’t leave.

The light escapes me
and dull colors swift past me.

I have lost my care
I have lost my love
Lost my innocence
And lost my guilt.
Everything that made me, me
Is now gone.

So tell me,
is it me who you’re looking for?
Because that girl is breathing no more.

Her laugh is infectious
and her words are precious
for they draw a constellation line
from one heart to another.

Her heart beat resonates with mine
creating a beautiful orchestra together.

Her touch sends an electrical impulse
down my spine;
an electrical connection,
connecting us forever.

She is the one who’s heart holds mine,
ear who guards all my secret
and presence my comfortability finds a way to.

She is the moon to my dark sky
and the ocean my heart yearns for.

She is all what I want and all I need.

“I keep expecting people to care. To worry about me. To pull me back when I push them away. To be my umbrella on the rainy days. To try harder, ask and reach out. But when they don’t, it breaks my heart. I know it sounds irrational, but I feel disappointed. And once I’ve healed from the experience, I go back to hoping once more. It’s like I never learn my lesson.” Each word reeked of despair and regrets as they slipped off my tongue.
“Yeah, I understand you. I do the same.” She said in the most reassuring of ways with her hand holding mine. Her ocean blue eyes were comfortingly soft and deep with wisdom. “The only thing that really has been getting me through is trusting myself enough to care when someone doesn’t do the same. To catch myself when someone else doesn’t.”

Dear Sensitive Souls,
They call us emotional, fragile and weak as though these are the only words to describe us. Did they not see beyond the fact that we feel too much? that we are also empathetic and compassionate? Did they overlook all the beautiful qualities that came along with being sensitive.

So often we took our sensitivity as a curse for making us drown in an ocean of emotions. For being hurt by noticing the intricacies in people's body language, attitude and hesitations. For leaving us sore, drained at the end of the day. For making our problems look so insignificant in the eyes of others that we wouldn't even feel like opening up because if we did, word would just spill and eyes would just flood. For making us feel no one would understand the intensity of our emotions. For just letting us feel we were weak because every word, every vibe, every energy would just penetrate right through our heart leaving us to feel broken.

For making us feel so overwhelmed that it would be a struggle to get through the day. For making us face their statements and questions "Why are you so emotional?" "You're like a volcano ready to just explode" "Just toughen up" "You're such a mess". Sensitivity initially left me feeling so weak and broken for being affected so easily at the littlest of
things.

But over the years I met beautiful and kind souls who admired sensitivity as one of the rare and crucial part of humanity. Spending time with them changed my perspective about sensitivity and started to embrace it as a part of me.

The word "Sensitive" that once sounded like an insult became a compliment. The sensitivity I used to once spend my day hating became something so beautiful to me. It was when I started to embrace my sensitivity did I allow my emotions to be acknowledged, felt and be expressed.

"I never knew it was toxic, until I tasted freedom with love. I never knew what it was like to be loved, without being encaged. But now I can take my decisions, I can roam free. I can be loved and be my own person. I chose what I do today and forever.
It was love before, it is love now. But now he loves me into independence. I discover more about myself. I find myself healing.The stifling breath, and aching sobs in my chest are slowly fading.  It was love before but the bad outweighed the good. Too weak and in love to leave. But I am not a possession, I am my own person."

- excerpt from a monologue of breaking free from a possessive relationship

First love is innocent and pure. It is the first time your blood gushes to your cheek, making them blush. First time you feel you can’t-sleep-can’t-breathe-can’t-eat. First time you feel speechless but poetic. First time your heart feels it is going to beat itself out of your chest. First time when the words “I love you” send down a tingly feeling along your nerves. First time when you feel sleepless but exhilarated. First time you find yourself thinking about someone all day. First time you trust someone to protect your heart. First time you feel-so-much-you-get-scared. First time you let someone past your guards and in. First time when your day feels incomplete without talking to them and world incomplete without their presence. First time when every intricate memory and detail matters. First time your skin feels electrified when you stand next to them. First time you realize you can feel this way about another person.
The first person with whom you experience the waves of various shades of emotions. The first person you’re willing to give, give and give with no limits for too much never seems too much. The first person you are willing to surpass any boundaries for. The first person you love more than yourself. The first person you pour love and secrets too. The first person who made your smile widen. The first person who you imagine your present and future with. The last person you think about when you sleep and first one to wake up to. The first person who makes you feel the love in songs, books, and movie. The first person to make you aware of something deep in yourself. The first person who feels like the moonlight in the night sky and the sun in the day. The first person who you are willing to take interests in their interest and love what they love. The first one who loves all your insecurities and flaws into beauty.

A ocean,
an urge
A waterfall all ready to pour out.
But not a single drop trickles down.

It's all in
drowning
and swimming;
gasping
and breathing ;
emotional
and impulsive.

I am crying words,
but there are no tears.

An integral trait
that protected and built
in her, withers.
Curses slowly slithers
off her tongue
leaving her soul stung,
for she swore never to say
on any day.

Reputation tarnished;
label faded;
mind polluted,
for she no longer felt demure
and pure.

Enticed by the modern world;
contamination injects,
mutating and leaving her
not able to recognize herself.
For now she stares in the
restroom mirror,
shedding tears
over her shedding skin.

From one country to another.
From one air to another.
From one heart to another.
I settle down from the sky to the ground.

I miss the people back home,
I miss the familiarity
I reminisces the beauty of the place
I called home.
It takes time to settle
my emotions
and life.

But then as I roam,
I fall in love with the intricacies.
I see the hidden beauty of the country.
As I meet people,
I start building homes in their heart.
And as I breathe the air,
I start to feel like this is home.

But as soon as I felt I was settling in,
when I was finally falling in love,
I have to leave.  

I feel my deep intertwined roots in
people's hearts being pulled away.
I feel my heart breaking into pieces
as my hesitant hellos
become aching goodbyes.

My heart has become a hollow,
transitioning swiftly from emotional
to emotionless.

I feel alone once more,
as I depart from the ground back to the sky.
But I know, this cycle would repeat once more.

People are here.
I reach out deep within
to the place of various hue and vibrancy
to paint it in the air and on me
but that place is empty.

Shut mouth,
mute voice,
bruised mind,
scarred body,
fearful heart,
invaded privacy,
numb skin,
tear welling eyes
and invalid soul.
This is what you made
me feel by just one touch.

Absorbing the pain
letting nothing spill.
I feel the alluring darkness
enwrapping me with its wings.
Overriding my words
by the whispers in my head;
making me push people away
to keep them at bay.
I guess this is how darkness wins
by telling you to keep it all
to yourself.

Dear __ ,
We barely talk,
we spend mornings and nights
looking down on those rectangular box.
You don't even look at me anymore,
unless it is through the lens of yours.
You can't hear me over those phone calls of yours,
and now my heart sores and roars
for I feel alone.

I want to pick your brain for lunch to discuss the ongoings in this world and your views on controversial topics. I want to talk about the various books you read, the various shows and movies that entertain you. I want to know more about your beliefs, what appeals, riles, fascinates and triggers you. I want to know what makes you glow and dim. to watch you paint with different hues, form various constellation and explore the black hole of unexplored matter. I want to converse about the uncanny topics and the stigmatized ones. To know more about the philosophy, biology and chemistry of your existence and this world. I want to know about the intricacy, profundity and complexity around rather than keep to the surface topics.

My healer,
the one who rubbed
ointment on my wounds,
calming and relieving the pain.
Who's presence was the epitome
of comfort and love.

Has now become the stealer,
of my happiness
and the exploiter,
of my kindness.

I didn't like the way you glanced,
I didn't like the way you gazed,
l didn't like the way you whispered to
the other man's ear.

I didn't like the comments you made,
I didn't like the vibe you were giving my way,
I didn't like the way you smiled.

But you didn't care
that I didn't like.
You didn't care, who I was.
You just didn't care,
because you stepped close anyways

Crippling self doubt
plagues my existence.
Injecting itself into my blood stream;
immobilizing my muscles
numbing my tongue
and muting my voice box.

It quenches its thirst
by tearing my self image
limb from limb and
ploughing my insides
till there is nothing left.

It either bombards like
gunfire inside my head
firing flaws into questions
or drain each cell's confidence
leaving the muscles to shiver and shudder
and words hesitant to leave my tongue.

My flesh that houses doubt
is familiar with every capillary of my insecurity;
Whispering my shortcomings
and scrutinizing the details that make me, me.

It is a constant fight, invisible to the eyes.
Internal;
it's all in my head.

For a very long time,
I wondered what was my mistake?
Why me?
What did I do to deserve it?
Did I attract you?
because I never meant to.

But now I realise,
It didn't matter
who I was,
where I was,
what I wore.

Because the person to blame
wasn't me, but you all along.

To the galaxy,
to my world of fantasy.
The place where my heart is at zero gravity
and all the constellation fall into place.

You stripped my self worth,
dragged me into an ocean of fear,
left me feeling impure and touched.

I wish I could feel
innocent and pure once more.
I wish I could shed
this skin along with my past away.

For you shone out of nowhere
In the everlasting depths of darkness
Reached out
and stealthily pulled me to the light

My emotions changing
ever so swiftly
with the every pump of the heart

My eyes blinded with such brightness and joy
For I wonder was it because of you
or the world now I saw?

But then you left
For there were many who walked in this world
Even when alone
I thanked you for showing me another world
Feel the ever depths of happiness
And the light which lit my skin
But solitude in the world of happiness was not my place

Then came my old friend
Darkness that lured me back in
'Welcome back'
for it wrapped me in its comfort
And said 'here you are to stay'

Mental illness is rising
Psychologists' career are blooming
Social media is redefining
Making it a beautiful suffering

Sadness has become boring
Misery has become enchanting
Scar has become beauty
Grief has become engaging
Depression has become alluring

Emotions have become art
Heartbreak has become a heart-wrenching song
Pain has become poetry
and mental illness has become a edgy-trending label.

When did they start to disguise agony behind such beauty?

A day you look back
to see how much you’ve grown and bloomed.

A day you reminisce all the lovely
and memorable memories made over the year.

A day you are thankful for all
your blissful ups that integrated themselves
as memories in your mind.

A day you're thankful to the people
you have met over the year that made
an impact for the better.

A day you're thankful for the life lessons
learnt that made your become a better,
wiser, stronger or simply given you a an
edge that you never had before.

The day when you let your ego
be glorified by the wishes and compliments.

The day you feel extra dose of love
and attention from the people around you.

The day you are grateful for the life you have
and look forward to growing, progressing,
creating more memories.

Because birthday to me is all that
and spending the day with gratitude for
your existence and being around the people
who make you feel like your existence is meaningful
and you are beautiful.