I had a John Cusack about me,
where I was forever misunderstood
and what no one could ever see,
was my intentions were always good.
I spoke into a tape recorder as if it was my only friend,
"I gave my whole heart to her, and she gave me a fucking pen."
She covers me like frost when it sets in fresh,
I've been barely breathing since the day she almost left.
I've been at a stand still in quicksand; sinking fast,
I wish I could take a pill to let go of the past.
The blame game, has got it's newest saint,
forever in denial of all mistakes.
The blame game, always takes on my name,
forever in debt for all heartbreaks.
My visible breath spills secrets of another life,
a person you've never met but call your wife.
Brokenhearted and destined to be a knotch on a long, long belt,
Dearly departed with distance and it's the closest you've ever felt.
The blame game, has gained it's newest saint,
forever forgetting the dealt pain.
The blame game, takes on none the same,
forever drowning in the falling rain.
She paints me solid in the blackest of tar,
I fell for all of it but fell down too far.
There is something left but just too small to ever grasp,
I won't be the one to confess, with my dying rasp.
Tonight, is just a normal night,
living in fright, fighting for my life.
Tonight, yes, and the stars are shining bright,
caressing the moon but cutting like a knife.
And the demons passed by my door, colours of black and red,
crawling on the floor and ripping up my bed,
whispering sweet nothings of silence through my ear to my head,
calling out for violence, replacing love with bloodshed,
telling me I don't need breath but poison instead.
Tonight, tonight, keep on your light,
Darling you're the only pretty thing in sight,
and you say I'm accomplished, but we know only in plight.
So. Where. Should. I. Go?
Just know, without you, the wind will never again blow.
Just know, without you, the stars will never glow.
"No," said you to I, while I was cursing at the sky,
energy running low, but emotion flying high.
"Don't go" said I to you, watching colours change hue,
black and red to blue.
That's what love will do.
goddammit, i'm trapped in here
this stuffy house full of the scent of dust and sadness
and anger and bitterness and pain
i want to jump off the roof, please,
but i want to soar
i've had enough of colliding with the pavement
and the linoleum, and the concrete
goddammit, i'm trapped in here
these loud and unruly hallways full of drama
and tears and yelling and hysterics
i want to jump onto a table, please,
but i want to scream
i've had enough of keeping quiet
and obedient, and satiated
goddammit, i'm trapped in here
this chaotic brain of mine full of turmoil
and sadness and wrath and ideas, goddammit!
i want to express myself and scream who i am
i want to be unapologetic and i want to be feared
and respected and i want to be who i truly am
goddammit, why wasn't i born as myself
i want to be free, please,
but i want to thrive and grow and learn
i've had enough! enough! enough of this restriction
and this frustration and this heartaching wrench
of my dreams
Wanna cry out loud
But my voice dies unborn
Wanna take off and fly
But it feels like I’m gravity itself
Wanna reach out and touch you
But my limbs are stiff
Wanna see the moon and the stars
But my hatred blinds me
Wanna hear the laughter and the songs
But I’m deaf with my own rage
Wanna live and let live
But death is all I feel
Wanna stand up and fight
But I know there is nothing to gain
Wanna die in peace
But what is dead may never die
Just know that I care,
that I am aware
that I feel
and I hurt
and I cringe
for all the times
you've had to restart
to try to begin--
I know it's hard,
I know it's not fair--
but my hope, my heart
will always care.
Don't think I'm not here
caring and loving
because I truly do--
you see, I ache
and I cry and I feel bereft
just as much as you--
but sometimes my words,
just won't come out
the way I need and want it to--
but oh, my dear ones
I feel your pain, your heartache
your angst and desire
to just quench and drown out
this unending fire--
but only you and me and perhaps
can put an end to the suffering
which encompasses our hearts,
our souls, our beings you see--
so please, just please
keep caring, keep believing
And I will do my best
to believe in YOU too...
©Pamela Rae 04.24.2017
The Canal is frozen solid,
near by my car tempts fate with races.
In my last goodbye each "I" is dotted,
with broken hearts and sad faces.
It reads; "I'm never going to leave you,
my ghost can float along in your life.
While each moving noise will deceive you,
and I'll be bound to you as if your wife."
So you tore me up like an old receipt,
just another object you don't wish to keep,
but you can't return as I did not sell,
I should've seen down payment before I fell.
Do I even know you? I'd like to believe I once did,
A conclusion I drew, and from the beauty you hid.
It's more painful for me to ask, than for you to have to hear,
I guess you switch up your new mask, at the start of each new year.
I feel so hollow inside my torn up chest,
to the point where I'm not sure which side my heart does rest.
Left or right, I just can't decide,
and it calls out silently, but the beats seem to hide.
For I still grasp at my clothes, I wish to forcefully pull each thread,
as the inner turmoil impose, on my already swollen head.
That is now flooding this page, an explanation to your fully aware mind,
I'm just past that blissful stage, that we could never really find.
Her name is Mercy and she says it like a joke,
she shows up when you're thirsty just to watch you choke.
Yes her name is Mercy and she seems almost like a star,
but she just wants to hurt me, she just lives to be a scar.
Her name is Mercy and she claims to be a saint,
she pushes just to see if you'll ever voice complaint.
Yes her name is Mercy and it's the most beautiful sound,
and what she claims to be is never truly found.
Her name is Mercy and she's stunning in your eyes,
but you always know the worst will be what she claims is a suprise.
Yes her name is Mercy and she lights up your life,
her eyes are flirty but her words are a knife.
It's Thursday. You've just told me how you really feel. How the sky we painted blue has turned to grey, How the stars I captured for you began to fade.
One word, Ten letters.
It's Friday. I Haven't talked to anyone in hours. I can't get out of bed or bring myself to leave the house.
One word, Five letters.
It's Saturday. I'm pushing away the thought of you, and I'm wiping away the words you stained my skin with. I'm out with friends, but I'm all alone.
One word, nine letters.
It's Sunday, And your voice is forever bouncing around my skull as I wipe away the words I have left to give to you.
One word, seven letters.
It's Monday. A day I dread regardless of the event or time, but a day I can't get through with the weight of the world and the weight of your woes on my shoulders.
One word, Four letters.
It's Tuesday. I haven't talked to you since you crushed my heart under your foot, laughing the whole way. I don't care if you've destroyed me, because I would give anything to hear your laugh.
One word, Seven Letters.
It's Wednesday. No one is sure how okay I am. I stopped talking two days ago. I only watch as everyone carries on without my conversation, and only watch as everyone, including you, fails to notice.
One word, Seven more letters.
It's Thursday again, and I'm trying to forget the feel of harsh words and tongues like knives. I'm trying to forget the words you etched into my skin. I'm trying to remember how to sew a broken heart without falling off the string and I'm trying to forget the taste of your name mixed with tears and gin. It's not working.
One word, Nine letters.
"Why are we stuck running from the bullet,"
that Harry Styles song replays in my head as i think of your pain
i dont look for you anymore in the halls
i think i actually avoid you
i see the back of your head and my stomach clenches
i hope youre okay and you can stand on your own
"Remember everything will be alright"
i want to tell you over and over again
i want to hold you and protect you
but you're the one who dropped me
you broke my heart
but i'm too fucking nice for my own good and i still care
i just want you to be okay
i know the pain you're in
you feel misunderstood and alone, but truly its your own fault
I ASKED TIME AND TIME AGAIN
but you didn't wanna open up
that's why i find myself thinking of you less & focusing on myself more
because i deserve someone who i can be open with and someone who will be open with me
being angsty isnt attractive
i want to fight life with someone and not roll over and admit defeat
i guess you just weren't the one to do that with