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Everyone asked me what I wanted for my birthday this year, and I didn’t really have an answer. I’ve felt somewhat numb this week.

After the clock struck midnight, and it was my 24th year on this earth, it was made very clear to me what I want for my birthday.

I want things to go back to how they were,
dumb teenagers in love with each other, holding on maybe just a little too tight.

I want to lose track of time with you in your bed, listening to songs that seemed so relevant when pouring our hearts out to each other.

We ended things and moved on with our lives in very separate directions, but we always stayed connected. I think we were both secretly rooting for our reconnection, someday, when the timing was “right”.

And no matter how far apart we had grown, there was always unexpected reminders of you everywhere. We kept in touch. The depth of our love created this ongoing tension, always tethered.

I talked to your mom a few days ago, on the anniversary of your death. She’s one of the only people that I think truly understands the complexity of my pain.

I never got closure from any of this. The only thing I’m left with is the realization that I’ll never get a “happy birthday” from you ever again.

Maybe I’m selfish, but I think it’s okay to be selfish on your birthday. and my only wish is that you were still here. that you didn’t take your life. that somehow you’re still out there thinking about me when I’m thinking about you, like how it always was, but will never be again.

The only thing that I can do is listen to our songs, and talk to the moon. I would do anything for you to be able to listen.
If I should have known that you'll gone so soon my love.
Then, I will show you what true love is.
I know it's too late but I hope fate could wait.
There are a lots of what if?
There are a lot of regrets.
And there are thousands of plans that I already build.
If only fate could wait.
But I guess it ends with depress.

© Unatnat03
Oh how unexpected
And unprepared I turned out to be
Never did I imagine me,
My mothers “wild child”
The life of every party
To be graced with your tiny presence
But then so happened

I called you string-bean
In one week I was ready to change
My life
My financial choices
My habits
To make space for you

Though I may never hear your voice
Your tiny heart beat was enough
To stop my own
And as time may pass
I’ll forever look at your pictures and remember
I too had once been someone’s mother
Rosie May 28
If I could speak to you one more time,

I’d tell you about all the great and terrible things I’ve done
Hear your voice crack as you laugh
at the fact that I tripped on a crack in the sidewalk again
Get to see you dressed up for prom
run across the lacrosse field
and even walk across the stage at graduation

I’d like your posts, filled with new friends you made at college,
I might even get the chance to meet a few of them.

If I could speak to you one more time,

I’d actually get the chance to say goodbye
Explain that I can never see kids playing four square or ghost in the graveyard
Without thinking of you
That I see your smile in every shade of purple
Or feel your hugs in every tie-dye t-shirt I wear

I’d forgive you for making March the hardest part of the year
I might even survive the month without shedding a tear.

If I could speak to you one last time,

I’d whisper I love you
despite it making your eyes roll
I’d say thank you
for filling my childhood with endless laughter

If I could speak to you one last time

I’d probably be too emotional to say anything coherent

So, I’d just hold you for a little longer.
But what is grief if not...
You wait that one car when all bodies come home.
You wait somehow
There is clouds,
tender Sun light
and trees weathering with the wind
Yet the mounties are
You wait.
jǫrð May 18
The flavor of your home
Baked into it,  I'm
Fortunate enough to taste
The four walls
Fortunate enough to house you
The History: You baked a lasagna, then brought me some,  and played around with me one day. You then became cold again the next, and I wondered what I had done, but this time I was too afraid to say it and so I let you go.
Don't understand why universe took you away
Bits of you seen in all surroundings in some sort of way
Anyone observing wouldn't notice something wrong
Crumbling under a surface that is strong
I attempt to hold head up high
Shrugging off wounding emotion
Repeating routine robotically
Earth's rotation slow-motion
I send deepest regrets with the wind to be lifted into the sky
Whispering words never said before
Worst of all:
Accepting absence as permanent obstruction
Leaves me teetering on edge of destruction
There are moments I wish ground would open up and swallow me whole
Touching not one drop of water yet I'm drowning in the depths of my soul
You always did best to protect me throughout the years
In return I have let you down
Victim of my greatest fears
It might not have been my responsibility to keep you safe and sound
I could have poured out some of those shots you would pound
It was my duty keeping your secrets locked up out of sight
Over and over again I told you no so you responded with a fight
Rather than be at odds I would give in to your spiteful remarks
You ultimately would win and I would fetch your bottle of Monarch
Now I'm haunted by those countless simple mistakes
Forced to bear weight of the fact I didn't have courage it takes
I want to rewind life so I could get another chance to show
That you mean much more to me than I dared to let you know
I'd rather be who's held in the reaper's embrace
Than stuck here tears running down my face
It's my birthday and I'm so not feeling it... How can I celebrate without the one person who made it so special every year?
cristina May 14
all this giref i'm carrying
it sticks
like glue
when will i finally
piece myself back together
Larry dillon May 2
All the pain a man could muster in his lifetime:
Compressed to a minute.
Then, send it scattershot through the airwaves.
A morose melody. A lovely female voice inflects....
"May I override your rationality and reason?"
Imprints a depression on the mind;
a rope around the deckhand's neck.
Does her voice now command your neocortex?
Yes, but deeper still: it denigrates.
Instills an insistence toward apathy:
existential treason.
musical notes denote a debt to be paid.
They accept just the one currency.
Trade melancholic fervor for nihility...
A payment must be made.
Posit the ship is a sojourn in deep water.
Feeling A sorrow you can't adjourn.
How quickly you will learn:
Jumping overboard
CAN be an act of kindness.
A slave to that recalcitrant sorrow.
Jetsam yourself to lighten the load on your psyche:
It's ideal over facing another tommorow.

Seafaring folk
assume a siren's song is beautiful.

I felt The Earth shake when she sung.
There goes the air from my lungs.
What more to give? Here.
Borrow my body and tongue.
Sitting in the auditorium
of my own soliloquy.
This state of mind is anti-reverie.
Your falsetto sonnet showed memories.
My family.My mishaps.
An altercation out of ennui-with my father.
Before he left,that last thing he said to me...


Why WAS he levied into conflict
over Antioch?
On a whim prescribed, of course;
The pope demanded A crusade on sin.
Father died inside the walls of Jerusalem.
Bled out fighting alongside other mortal men:
Father, is your heaven more beautiful,
than your grand daughter's grin?

Captain has seven sailors hold me still.
I am suppressed inside the fo'c'sle.
He counts down from sixty:
"Let us see if time sets him straight."
A siren's enthrall doesn't agitate long.
Even after the weight of it lifting,
it leaves you forlong.
Sometimes-I still feel- that where I truly belong?

Seafaring folk
assume a siren's song is beautiful.
                          I know better.

A violent storm materializes from otherwise
sunny, fair weather.
I guess the myths of the Tempest here are true:
It attacks ships sailing near the fabled
isle Revenir.
Until then,for my own safety,
I had been enroute to the brig.
"All hands on deck
(including me and my captors)
Secure those loose rigs.
Batten down the hatch.
Cap'n is going to steer us-
Right through this Tempest's heart!!"
Steady now.
Or his hubris will tear the ship apart.

I felt indifferent as waves
pummel us relentlessly.
Contrite as our vessel
won its war with the sea.

                   I jump overboard.

Instant remorse.
Father, can your God please alter my course?
A mistake.
This can't be my legacy.
I'm sinking.
Because of what a siren sung.
I can't breathe. Feel water filling in my lungs.
Siren,take what you won
then leave me undone.
I'm sinking.
Is this how I meet my end?
Shimmer from the sunlight fades
as I descend.
And I'll never be found...
My fear, my flailing. My failure to float.
the ocean swallows it all,
ingurgitates my hope.
Is this how you felt?
Facing your ill-fated destiny?
You always tried-and failed -to quell my misery.
That last thing you said...
Preaching your god's salvation as remedy.

                        I'm sinking.

All along its been my sorrow
that's drowning me.

A story of a sailor's mind being taken by a siren's call and how it exacerbates his already present, internal, buried grief.

Part 1 in the Revenir series.
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