"You look fine" That's what they say. but I wake up every morning with a heavy feeling in my chest. "You look fine" , But you don't know what's on my mind, My mind is filled with dark thoughts. And that dark thoughts became suicidal thoughts. ~ My sadness has overpowered my soul My anxiety makes feel like a prisoner inside my own head. A prisoner that can't get out . My depression drags me to my bed. Until my body makes me feel like I'm dead. ~ My heart is like a sponge squeezing by the dishwasher. and it feels like every second I breathe makes me feel weaker. They don't understand. They don't know my pain. A pain that won't end. Because of this Chronic condition that doesn't have an end.
'What do you do these days?' I count seconds,and minutes,and hours. I count grey leaves and petals of flowers. I count the blinks of my tedious eyes, I reckon the distance of distant cries, Faint and futile. Muffled and still.
What can I do, When happy,young days are past, Or so apparently seems?
Striving to control my thoughts when my vagus nerve is on fire. Looking into your eyes while pausing. Give me criticism so I can grow. Later on, I will praise you back. I am committed to my apologies. I forgive, and cry. I try to protect myself from emotional sabotage, but end up protecting others. I can't help it, I am human. I can help it, but I wasn't taught how. I create listicles from lists. 1. be good 2.love thy self 3. listen I still can't figure it out, because I am sparking under this nervous electricity. Exploding a depressed vibrance. A lack of deep concentration. They say it is autoimmune, no cure. I forgive, and cry some more until none wants to be around me anymore.
I watch my breath dance through the air. It swirls and glides beautifully until it dissipates in the wind. I take in a deep breath letting the icy air fill my stale lungs. I instantly regret it as they reject the cold in the wonderful way my lungs do. I find myself gasping for air in between the coughs. This time it knocks me to my knees. I note how striking crimson is in the snow. Slowly I drag myself to my feet. How many was that today? Five? Six? I’ve lost track ever since I’ve gotten sick there doesn’t even need to be a trigger for an attack to happen and they’ve been growing more violent by the day. I can’t say I’m not scared. In fact I’m terrified because no one knows exactly why I’m getting worse. But even that would be more bearable if I wasn’t doing it alone.
I stopped texting people first and I stopped talking to anyone at all
Slip sliping away Hide away My pain At the back of My closet Dwelling in my pain All the hurt and wrong Done on to me Screeming for them to leave me be To let me be me still thankful of those who foiled my plan And boy was it grand Instead I sat in the grandstands at Contact 2013, Vancouver BC Combating a invisible disease To where everyday It’s hard to breath Still I stand tall With the ball in my court Not going to port To where attempt number 3 Takes place Instead a Near death experience at sea Thanks carnival 50 bands Taken away from me All in order to save me From myself.
Thank You Chase for always being there for me in dark times. Thanks for not letting me have 50bands to just end it all with it. Thanks to you a known time and predreamt dreams all come to be and continue to do so. Thanks for showing me the lighter side of life to where every day is a good day. I love you bro, Always
I got my issues to combat Family that’s now astranged Disowned for not being a hard enough worker in my parents eyes Though having a invisible disease made it difficult to keep active Chronic fatigue from chronic pain Made working I don’t even know how many times harder.
the love asks the heart,'' Are you free? if the heart asks with agree he enters and takes great degree of hot while the ice reaches to the knee and takes less degree feeling with cold while the sun increases its hot the sweat ascended as rain drop making the heart jerking a lot if the heart responds with disagree the love feels with shame and try to see if this heart is healthy and has no disease or the evil has big and great ray
War; absolute This will be my macadam into re-assemblage For if I'm not on edge, I'm taking up too much precious space What wickedness lies beneath the surface of the skin? I should know this place better than anyone But my landscape has become mercurial Ever changing, impossible to map I am forced to navigate its pitfalls in ever complicating ways It has become a desolate place I alone should rule here, my sovereignty unquestioned Yet I've become content to be complacent, and have allowed a sickly intruder to slip past my walls They infect, demoralize: turn my skin to stone They must be expunged; cut out, snipped from the healthy flesh like a cancer As one removes a gangrenous foot to save the leg Though my tools at the moment are blunt, I sharpen them daily with the whetstone afforded to me They will not continue to expel bile into the bloodstream for long My strength returns by the hour They know this, and they tremble I am the goddess to whom this altar is devoted I am righteous fury, come to cleanse this blight with holy fire and flood The war drums sound as the gate is lifted