Lucid dreams used to take you away
Give you control
Now you seem stuck in the same loop
Looking for your way out of this nightmare
Or trying to hide from the monsters
My memory shows your lucid tears
Cried over seas where we were together
That memory plays back every day
Showing me your pain
As you hold it in till you close your door
I want to dry your tears
But your door has been closed
And your heart was broken a few times
So I guess I'll wait
Keeping my door wide open at all times
And hoping you'll take up my offer
She was everything to you
I can tell that much
But how she could hurt you this much puzzles me
Because she said she cared
Now where is she?
So I walk myself to the cliffs edge for you
So when you say jump
I can ask how far
Then maybe she'll come back for you
And cut my rope from around your ankles
Freeing you at last
From the monster under your bed
Like watching a storm
I've predicted all of this
Yet still I didn't try to change the outcomes
I still ask myself why...
Why I let her go
Why I keep pushing
Why I opened that old wound again
I can't understand anything at this point
So I stop.
I freeze and just sit
Allowing anything to happen to me
I can see another major cloud on its way in
But this one is different,
I want to change this one
I just don't know how
So I guess I just wait now
Try not to get my hopes up
And just wait
A promise was made to say,
But promises are made to be broken
But I don't know what to do
So I'll just say "Okay."
And give up control
Grab my right wrist and hold tight
Bring me back to earth
Then remind me,
"Return to this world, please?"
Don't let me go until I reply,
"Since when have I ever left?"
Where does hierarchy begin?
Is it where the strong is on top,
and the weak step upon?
Where does your dignity be placed?
Is it where your always be the winner,
no matter what, even it has bitter taste.
Is SURVIVAL really that cruel?
That some of us are just a tool,
a fool for the strong to be cool.
No, it can't be that bad
yet reality is quite sad.
Despite our hard beginnings
Life still is beautiful
that losing isn't everything.
Dignity is placed -
where you respect yourself the most
and Hierarchy isn't important
to where your love is...
I remember the day you met the love of your life
She sat in a bonsai garden, g r o w i ng your
imagination with vivid stories and melodious notes
An exotic oriental sensation elegantly wining
against me, a disordered mass of molecules
that had been creating countless scenarios for years!
Oh, so unambiguously!
I tried to find you in books and under cups of coffee;
I tried to find you outside my window and walls bare and empty.
I tried to find you in the depths of stories about defiant lovers and loveless monks;
I tried to find you in the cacophony of honks.
I tried to look for you as Spring rolled by;
And returned empty-handed at the end of July.
I tried searching for you on the loneliest shores lapped up by the sea;
And under the bower of placid trees.
To put it mildly,
I looked for you in every nook and cranny.
But while I was on a manhunt for you;
You swept past me like the loo.
The worst thing about losing you
Is that it wasn't cinematic
The last time I lost somebody
I was in a blind panic.
The worst thing about losing you
Is that I could see it coming
It was there just down the line
But I still did nothing.
You look in the mirror and know bloating is your enemy
You have people tell you, you are too flat
You are not skinny, you are not fat
When food can be your frenemy
You put in all this work
You have people tell you it will never be enough
You are not strong, you are not weak
When your body can call your bluff
You always try and stick to the rules
You have people tell you that you could do better and include this and that
You are not memorable, you are not forgetful
When your diet looks like something you do not get at
please dont ask me if i miss it when you know that i do,
please dont ask me how it felt to sit in the passenger seat of your car every day for four months straight.
because i will tell you.
how it felt like yellow lights in a dimly lit café on monday nights,
like dirty snow underneath your tires,
like a resurrection of fresh air after feeling trapped since september.
every now and then i come back to this.
now that it's february and i cant remember what your house smelt like.
i often wonder what your parents think happened to me. and your sister.
i've started to wonder if i would have gone to her wedding with you.
i hope she's happy, and i hope you are too.
don't get me wrong, i needed you to leave i know i did.
sometimes it doesn't feel like you did much for me although i know you did.
sometimes it doesn't feel like you were ever part of me although i know you were.
now that it's the end of february the weather has started to become lighter and i keep finding myself rolling the window down, making the music louder and wanting to sing, wanting to smile, wanting to feel what it's like to be euphoric again and i just, can't.
not right now.
i don't know if a year later can be considered "too soon" but i do know
that i hate you, and the way you made the snow feel like you so now i dont even feel at home when i look out my bedroom window.
i hate you, and the way you made the car feel like our safe space so now i don't feel safe when i'm driving with my mother.
i hate you, and the way you made me think that you would stay,
the way you made me feel like you were going to be a part of my family
the way you threw me away as if it was easy for you.
i hate you for everything that reminds me of you like guitars and troye sivan and sleepovers and driving down the fucking highway and being someone that cares about you so much i'd miss saying goodbye to my dad to spend another night with you.
ask me if i miss it
when you think you know that i do.
because i don't miss any of it.