the nightmares keep
me up at night
almost every night
in March

i get to relive
the trauma
over and over
that month

i awake feeling
my chest tight
stomach turning
counterclockwise

my mind focused
on that first night
why it all happened
what did i do wrong

i was just a child
i remind myself
as i *****

i hope one day
i like March again
like i did
when i was 6 years old

my mother thinks
i will not forgive her
for everything
that has happened

she is my mother
she did not know
how could she of?

the voice in my head
screams at her

how could of
let me into that house?
how could you of
knowing what you knew before?

i was just a child
i lost everything that day

as much as i want
to forgive her

i do not know if i ever will

sometimes when i am doing good
the thoughts come back
the nightmares come back
the memories come flooding back

i have been petrified
of hearing your voice
of looking you in the eyes
of smelling those marlboro golds

i have escaped all over the world
so you could never find me
so you could never locate me
so you could never hurt me again

but

if that day ever comes
if the moment i have been dreading comes
if i ever have to face you again
in that cold dark room

i would ask you
one simple word

     w h y

i don’t know if it’s the noise
or the sweat
or the feeling of hands pressing on my neck
that wakes me up

but there i was, strapped to a hospital bed
pushed into the forbidden oblivion
of all the kind men who punched me in the face
when all i asked for was forgiveness
for not acting as if it was arousing

you’re giving me a big grin
as you lay your scrubs on the floor
and tell me how much i wanted it
but am i really enjoying it
if i wake up looking for your blood under my nails?

as you unzip my jeans
i scream for my mother,
since she’s as good at killing men
as I am at reaching out to murderers

you'll ask yourself why I can't sleep
but please, don't make me sleep ever again
and i'll never look you in the eyes once more
you'll tell yourself I'm just autistic
but the truth is to this day
I'm still afraid of the wrong men

with a mother
that made
me feel unwanted
from birth
doing her best
to break me
and steal away
my worth
i’ve been working
day and night
my entire life
to undo
the slices
she made
in my heart
with her knife

and fast forward
to age fifteen
i start to feel loved
but by a man
twice my age
with two children of his own
not much younger
than myself
keeping me his
*****
little
secret
until the day
i turned
eighteen
i was so excited
to be with him
finally
without fearing
being seen

but then he didn’t
want me anymore
because the
excitement was gone
i didn’t need
to be hidden
anymore
and that was
all he really
wanted
all
along

after that
i met another man
nearly twice my age
who persistently
tried to woo me
until i eventually
got worn down
and gave in
to his ways

he said he wanted
to show me off
to make me
his girl
but as soon
as i was
he became a monster
and all he did was
break me
more
and more
every day
until i went limp
and just let him have his way
he ***** me
sodomized me
told me
i was ****
that no one
else would
ever love me
that i was
disgusting
spoiled
worthless
and unworthy
of being
anything
more
than his
little
dried
up
worm
he
lived to hurt me
and make
me squirm

years
and tears
haven’t
been enough
to heal me
and i
am trying
every
day
to find
the value
in myself
i just hope
you can really see me

i will never
forget looking out
that second story window

hearing the
pool filter
in the background
mixed with heavy breathing

the cheetah print
sheets that cut
my skin open

the smell of marlboro golds
and sweat
with a hint of hopeful regret
filled that entire bedroom
that summer day

but most of all

it was that feeling
that i would rather risk
breaking both legs
jumping from the window

than deal with this pain

ever

            a g a i n