who am I now?
This body I once recognized,
Softer, fuller, different.
My mind has always been a map,
With roads that spin in circles.
But my body was no match.
Now my skin tells the story,
Of a new life formed.
Of hard months and sleepless nights.
And I dont feel better off or stronger,
Like the others proudly say.
I feel foreign and unhappy.
So I'll drive down these new roads.
Looking for familiar landmarks.
Until I can once again,
Call this body home.
My dark skin became my enemy at one point
It became my enemy, because I thought a man could never love a dark skin yet ******* up individual like me
Most of the men I liked were attracted to women of the lighter complexion or opposite end of the color spectrum
But I failed to realize that
My dark skin was rich with radiance,
My dark skin failed to crack as I’m growing older
Failed to blemish to too much sun
Even failed to whelp up after childhood whippings
My dark skin hasn’t lost its touch
My faith just diminished
Because of worldly views
The Bible warned me of
I was young and dumb
Yet still truly blessed by the color of my skin
Working on loving my skin daily
I want you
to set your throat ablaze
and yell as loud as you can.
to be angry.
I want you
as we burn
As a human, it is instinct to be kind. However, you can get loud. Get mad.
They say, everything happens for a reason
Believed you to be everything, until I became the reason
A reason, with dreams of autumn season.
Fall if you must, to rise from the dust
Scathed but Strong, like a burning tong
Humming to self your warm song.
There is sun somewhere, look around
The light never leaves, even as darkness surrounds
Finding light is tough, but creating one makes you Profound
My reason in ME, thus I found.
The wilted leaves of the plant you gave me
begin to peel away
lingering on the sunny window ledge
starting to fade on this day.
I laughed at its structure
and how it reminded me of us:
started out blooming and blossoming
but soon we lost our trust.
Today, I feed a new plant
with the tears I cried over you,
and with the warmth that I never received,
I began to build something new.
I smiled at its structure
and how it reminded me of myself:
started out small and feeble
But I am no longer just a decoration on the shelf.
I knew I'd turned a corner
The first time I made love to
Myself with no regrets
How many times was pleasure
Robbed the moment my mind turned
Back to "normal" again
Chemicals flooding my brain,
Changing me into something
I could not recognize
Lost in a daydream that looked
Like a nightmare to the old
Self I believed in
The moment of ****** tied to
A feeling of remorse, regret,
Disgust and defeat
Over and over again,
Against the God I said I loved!
Against my better judgement!
I'm still in the combat of
Deprogramming to love me
More than anyone can
But every now and then I
Make love to myself like I'm
Like I'm the Goddess that I'm
Learning to become just like
The Mormons said I'd be
You’re not a quitter.
Where’s the fight in you girl?
You don’t give up.
You were never one to give up.
I know you’re tired.
I know you feel so weak.
But it’s not over. It’s never over until you say it’s over.
You love yourself.
You have to.
How can you expect anyone to love you, if you don’t?
So love that little girl.
Even when she’s weak,
even when she wants to give up,
even when she’s hurting,
because she’s worth it.
You’re worth it.
Remember, you can cry,
but only standing up.
It seems to be all fun and games
for when I reminisce on the day
the tame looks and words are amplified
pumping out a beat much louder than my body should be able to hear
yet I sway to the rhythm
drawn to the pulsating
reverence of the music
and as you pull me in for a kiss
captured for a moment by the visual farce that lies within your glasses
I see my face reflected back at me
I can't help but think that maybe
I don't love you
just enjoying a fresh perspective on loving myself.
I'm as terrified as I am exited.
i finally lost [some of] it
but 15 isn't enough
i want 115
i want to shrink away
i want to stop feeling
all of this pain
i don't want to keep doing this
and losing it is the easiest way
i've struggled with eating disorders for a while now. and i can feel myself going back to old, toxic habits. but, i don't want to stop it. because maybe if i plunge in headfirst, he will come back to me.