I splattered red on a blank canvas
Randomly, without a second thought
Aggressively, impatiently
And some had the audacity to call it art

I took a pen to that marked canvas
I thought it neither right nor wrong
Defiling or glamorizing?
What I had created was lifelong

And then I cut my canvas to pieces
It felt so good to shred it all up
That blank, white canvas had turned into
A catharsis for a build up!

Who are you to tell me what to do

With MY canvas?
How dare you try and judge my art!
If all art is subjective,
Who are you to intervene in my canvas falling apart?

I love my canvas!
In all its marked up glory
My canvas is much prettier now!
Now it tells my story

This isn't beautiful
This is not brave
It's ugly and damaged
It leads to my grave

You mimic and mock
You think that it's cool
But all you're doing
Is proving you're a fool

This isn't some cure
To save you from life
It's death and destruction
Never-ending strife

These cuts are not for you
To reach you this way
These cuts are for me
To go through the day

You start this now
To you it's a game
But what sick point is there
When your goal is to maim

You called me brave
That's something I am not
So crawl back to hell
And leave me to rot

I called you my friend
But you don't fit the description
A real friend understands
Yet you mock this addiction

This isn't something cool
A passing fad
It's torture and pain
To put simple, it's bad

So put down the pin
Leave that to me
You are too blind
You will never see

As I walk
Across the street
I walk to things
I dare to meet

A new beginning
A better end
Another obstacle
To transcend

As I walk
Across the street
To turn to things
I dare not speak

A brighter home
A brighter day
Though dark will never
Fade away

Do I make
that final turn
Will I fly?
Or crash and burn?

Fly across
To the brighter side
But nothing will make
My heart decide

Only YOU
will make that choice
YOUR kind soul
and gentle voice

Will I stay
On this side with YOU
Or cross the road
To something new

But without YOU
I face defeat
So hold me back
For I am weak

For new is good
Brighter and true
New is love
New is YOU

Now down this road
Is where I'll go
Without YOUR love
I'll end below

But if I walk
Down the road
I head into
A world unknown

I feel numb.
My emotions as empty
As my expression.
Thinking that maybe this
Can be this thing people call
Depression.
After weeks of suppressing
All these emotions,
I so badly want to feel them again.
It’s that one missing
Piece to this puzzle
Of what it’s like
To normal and whole.
You’re living and breathing
Like a normal human being,
But you can’t fully function
Like one.
Your drowning in the lack of emotions
That you would even kill
To feel anything.
Even if takes
A silver blade
That tears apart your flesh
And your mind.

The walls of my room are closing in again.
how can a room so empty feel so small?

i have to wear my hoodie to hide the pain that isn’t there
i’m starting to wish it was again.

why does my chest feel so heavy?
why does my stomach feel so dark?
why am i still here
even though so many years have passed

i wonder why i still feel like i’m waiting
for someone else to die
for something so horrible to happen,
that i’ll do something so desperate
i’ll end up in the hospital or in the ground.

i don’t know if i’m wasting my days
or this is as it should be
but i’m starting to feel desperate for a different feeling
anything
anything
even if it’s pain, so long as it’s different,


that scares me.

it’s been a long time since i felt that way.

maybe it really is bad
maybe i should stop pretending it got better
but didn’t it?

i can’t trust my thoughts again.

i’m in this same pain again
this same place
this same me.

Has nothing really changed?

I dont know you,
I dont know your smile,
Your laugh,
Or your pain.

What struggles and trials,
That have brought you to me,
Reading my poem,
Hearing my heart.

My heart that breaks for your pain,
And cries for your wounds.

I dont know you,
But I wish I could stand
Between the wall of guilt and shame,
And the shivering,
Quivering outline of your heart.

I wish I had the words to heal you,
I won't pretend I do.

Just know that you're not worthless,
You're worth something to me.

A lie must be spoken,
For the spell to be broken,

While trapped deep inside,
When it seems all hope has died,
Is a seed waiting silently,
Waiting for sunlight to come.

One day the sun will rise,
Will you let the lie win,
Or to its surprise,
Will you water the seed deep within?