mythie 34m

Have you ever wondered what it's like to kill someone?
I have.

I imagined it being an exhilarating experience.
One I will never forget.

Of course, you have to make sure you do it properly.
You don't want to get caught, do you?

I remember her watery, crystal eyes.
Her violet wrists and ankles.

The way her hair stood up when I touched her.
The way she winced whenever my cool blade touched her.

Was she panicking?

I remember her gasps for air.
Her hoarse, croaky voice.

One stab.
A velvet sea laid out in front of me.

Two stabs.
Red, glittery hands.

Three stabs.
It's getter harder to see.

Four stabs.
I fall down.

I smear the blood on the wall.
As if it were a cry for help.

I wanted to do this so badly.
Why am I now regretting it?

Guilt swarms my body.
My head aches.

Have you ever wanted to kill somebody?
Because I have.

Today's the day I fucked a blade into my stomach.
A crimson waterfall.

My final words are yours to read.
On this bloody sheet of paper.

Today's the day I shivered with a blade to my wrist.
Hesitation, but the urge to die.

My final words are yours to read.
On this creme coloured wall in red writing.

Today's the day I

Jessica 11h

Sometimes I think
About all my flaws
So I take the blade
To my bare wrist
And make a slice
Into my skin

Sometimes when there are pills in my house
Or nearby to where I am
I get an urge
To find the bottle
And swallow its contents

Sometimes when I’m alone
In my bedroom at night
I think about how much I hate myself
And that I would be better off dead

But if it weren’t for my mom
And my dad
And my friends
Those “sometimes” would be “all the times”
And I would be dead

Alex 1d

he had always wanted to be an artist
except he practiced it
with his wrist as the canvas
his blood as the paint
and scissors, knives, and pencils
as the paintbrushes

Alec 3d

Do you remember that trick
That was taught to us
When we were making a fuss.
We’d just tumbled or stumbled and hurt ourselves.

And our family said to bite our cheek or tongue or finger because it helps.
We started doing it all the time
Every time we got hurt, but the trick kinda internalized.

Learning to stop one pain with another,
The flame doesn’t hurt your skin if you’re being smothered.
So you’d have bite marks on your finger
Nail imprints on your hands,
Pain that lingered.

But then that wasn’t enough
And you had to keep trying new things
Because you were getting too tough.
Bruises in places where no one would see.
Hidden nicely behind a tee.

And suddenly the pain started being in your heart and head
And you were so confused
How do you stop this pain with something greater
Until you finally figured it out, how to stop this blues.

Your trick still works,
It just needs to sting
No more nails, you want metallic imprints from the tines of your fork
Biting down on your pillow as you dig deeper into your skin
Trying to find some way to overcome what’s inside and win.

Battling fire with fuel.
Why isn’t it working?
Why is the pain you feel still there, still real?
But it doesn’t stop.
It never stops.
And now you don’t know how to stop.

Ben Kaw 3d

Chewing and swallowing is a hassle.
I wish it weren't taboo to cut
open my stomach and insert the meal through the wound. Nothing would go to waste.

Mastication is unsightly. It rots your mind and teeth. It tears and mashes what you love into paste, leaving nothing but bones.

At least suck the marrow dry.

Would you eat something someone else spat out? You are food too. You are slathered in someone else's slime.

I try to slice away the mold that consumes him but the mold is all over. Even a little bit of mold on a treat like him is a sign that it's everywhere, that it's toxic, but I keep carving away, believing there is something that can be salvaged.

December 12, 2017

A prose poem about struggling to connect with a boy and wishing it were easier.
Annie 3d

Do you ever feel like you're standing in the centre of a big, dark circle? Feel like everyone around you is only drifting away –one by one, step by step?
Do you ever yearn to not just be cared for, but also care for someone so much that you stop worrying about anything else? Do you ever long –not just to be loved, but to love? Do you feel like your circle is too big for you, but too small for someone else to fit in? Does it leave you wondering that maybe you're toxic? So everyone just leaves, as if no one can be faithful to you because you're so useless. Perhaps, it is your circle – and eventually your own circle begins to bury you within. Is that not sad? Is that not treacherous that no one in this world really knows you? No one bothers to look into your eyes and see the tears you've never cried.
And I feel like my circle is only growing bigger. It's eating me inside out and I can't even tell someone. There's no one.

mythie 4d

Magenta lights flashing through my window.
Muffled groans and cries echo from my pillow.

Humid air, kicking off sheets.
I can hear cars driving on the streets.

Birds singing happily in the night sky.
I sink into the bath and begin to cry.

Lavender scent, filling the air.
Scrubbing my body, my body is bare.

Red marks wherever I scrub.
Slowly but surely red drips into the tub.

No matter how hard, how rough I've been.
I know it in my heart, I'll never be clean.

Small, silver tool on top of the sink.
It all happened so fast, happened in a blink.

Submerged in the water I breathe.
Across my flesh, I feel the metal sheathe.

The water is now red.
It shows how much I've bled.

I tilt my head back and look out the glass.
I can see the sunrise, bright green grass.

Birds are singing outside cheerily.
I close my eyes and exhale drearily.

Bathing in crimson, my heart starts to sink.
The only thought I have is what my mother will think.

There will come a day I know it,
When you'll love yourself as I love you,
And you won't view your scars as ugly,
But a tally of times you made it through.

I love you's.
Jessica 4d

the other day
I had my first kiss
the first time my lips came in contact with another human
it was magical

I was on cloud nine the entire time on my ride home
I was happy
I couldn’t stop smiling
genuinely smiling

when I got home I cried uncontrollably
but they weren’t tears of joy
they were tears of sadness and fear

I was sad because I thought he wouldn’t want a relationship
I was scared because I thought he wouldn’t want me
why would he want me and all my problems?

I have depression
I’m suicidal
I slit my wrists
no one wants to deal with my problems

I’m fat, ugly and rude
no one wants me
but I don’t blame them
I don’t even want myself

I remember
Laughing until we couldn’t breathe
In the back of my mom’s car
And I remember
How just a month before
I started struggling with self harm

I remember
Laughing until I couldn’t breathe
Over the phone as you drove your car
And I remember
How just a day later
You would loose a friend

I remember
Crying together over the phone
Feeling so angry and helpless
And I remember
How just a few months before
You cut again

I remember
Crying while we texted
And asking you why it hurt so much
And I remember
How you told me
It was because my heart was too big

I remember
Telling you about the life
That died inside of my mom
And I remember
How the night of your 16th birthday
You almost died

I remember
Telling each other
That one day life would get better
And I remember
How we both wanted to die
More than we wanted to live

I remember
Holding each other for hours
Because we were both falling apart
And I remember
How no one else knew
That you were the only reason I was still alive

I remember
Holding you after months
Of pain and not communicating
And I remember
How small you felt
In my arms despite your height

I remember
Eating steak and pancakes together
In your kitchen at midnight
And I remember
How you were the only one
Who ever noticed when I lost weight

I remember
Eating cake on my 18th birthday
And how you wore a unicorn onesie
And I remember
How aware I was of the fact
That neither of us thought we’d see that day

I remember
Watching LOTR at your house
Screaming when Legolas was on screen
And I remember
How much fun I had
Despite my recent diagnosis

I remember
Watching you on stage
As you were your final and best role
And I remember
How we met in the very same place
9 and 10 with too much pain between us

I remember
Talking to you about Star Wars
While we were supposed to play kickball
And I remember
How you were the only person
Who never told me to shut up

I remember
Talking together on your couch
While our dads talked in the kitchen
And I remember
How we both talked
And listened just as much as we needed

I remember
Writing poems for each other
Because email could cross the distance
And I remember
How words couldn’t really express
The fear you felt in your own home

I remember
Writing Brightsoul for the first time
Because you had named me Lightheart
And I remember
How those names were wishes
And promises of what we saw past the pain

I remember
Missing you so much
My insides felt all cut up and bleeding
And I remember
How hearing your voice
Was enough to get me through the week

I remember
Missing all the good things
Your parents ought to have given you
And I remember
How we fed fish and ducks
And tried to figure out how to make it better

I remember
Feeling so sad I couldn’t move
So I stayed on the couch the whole day
And I remember
How proud of you I was
When your name followed “Highest Honors”

I remember
Feeling each other’s hands
In our hair as we styled it for fun
And I remember
How scared you were
As we hid in your room when that man came

I remember
Knowing the names
Of all the men who’d ever hurt you
And I remember
How much I wanted to run
To your house to punch your father’s face

I remember
Knowing the same God
That had never once left us
And I remember
How you pulled me behind you
To protect me from that oncoming vehicle

I remember
Growing older with you
But still loving unicorns the same
And I remember
How you were never really
As young as you should have been

I remember
Growing the unicorn
That you brought back from Florida
And I remember
How we named a turtle Andy
In the midst of my two good months

I remember
Leaving the flip flops I bought at the mall
At your house all summer
And I remember
How you cried
When I kissed your forehead goodnight

I remember
Leaving abusive friendships
Was something we both had to do
And I remember
How “We Don’t Have To Dance”
Was a song we could both feel ourselves in

I remember
Smiling was something we were both
Really good at faking
And I remember
How you were the only person
Who could make me believe I was cute

I remember
Smiling as I gave you a puzzle
For Mother’s day that had glitter on it
And I remember
How you made me fancy hot chocolate
With your love and Starbucks skills

I remember
Breaking down at 3AM
And thinking I must be loosing my mind
And I remember
How the thought of you kept me alive
For one more night in Mordor

I remember
Breaking your own microwave was
Something you thought of doing to see me
And I remember
How time didn’t heal like we thought it would
But somehow it was okay

I remember
How bad always followed good
And life always followed death
How I cried more than I laughed
But always felt better with you
How you heard more lies than truth
But believed what I told you
And how somehow we were still together
And somehow we stayed alive
And how no matter what I always knew that
Are my best friend and
Am your Sam and
I think
We’ll be okay because
Are Lightheart and Brightsoul and

For my Brightsoul, always <3
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