I was 13 when I found myself scratching my hands Fighting with the feelings from some unexplored land A land of mortifying hurt and pain A land that I never want to see again But 2 years on, I still visit daily Cause I'm still addicted to the feelings of agony And taking them out on my body, battered and bruised Much like myself it's been tortured and used Not just scratching now but much more too Doing things to my flesh that I know I shouldnt do But the feelings they build, with every passing hour I'm not doing this to hurt others I'm not bitter or sour I'm doing this because I'm addicted to the feeling The rush of endorphins When my head is reeling The racing heartbeat thumping in my chest Cause my heart knows I shouldnt My heart knows best But my mind is warped and confused and a mess From fear and anxiety and depression and stress So much so that I start to feel numb Not feeling anything So desperate to not succumb To the darkness of empty That fills up my head As I lie upside down in the dark on my bed So desperate to feel something Anything at all That again, I find cuts and scratches, Appalled at myself Knowing I cant afford to lose my existence to this But still I keep cutting and scratching and all Cause when I'm in the moment, It feels like bliss That feeling as your soul ignites with sensation I visit that place and it's become a great nation That so many others visit now too But you cant reach them Stuck in your own private battle Fighting the voices that have appeared in my head Whispering the words that I've learnt to dread "Just one more cut" "One more scratch" They say And I'm trying to tell them I dont wanna play this game But the voices get louder And louder And louder All I need is to go back With a sprinkle of forgetting powder I just want to turn around Go back to the start But I can't, and you know why? Because in part The reason i did this The reason i began Was because i wanted the feel of that land.
(C) 2022 Trigger warning: non-suicidal self injury. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE NOT IN A SAFE HEADSPACE. THIS PIECE DOES NOT PROMOTE SELF INJURY. IT'S AN EXPRESSION OF HOW IT FEELS. I AM NOT BY ANY MEANS PERSUADING ANY READERS OF ANY DEMOGRAPHIC TO ENGAGE IN THIS BEHAVIOUR.