The first time you broke me was your own fault,
the second time, my ignorant hope was to blame.
The third and fourth and fifth times were self-harm.
I crossed my heart and hoped to die
that this would be the last time you would ever hurt me.
But maybe now, this isn't about all of the promises you didn't keep,
maybe this is about not keeping promises to myself.
I said cross my heart and hope to die,
and now I have to deal with the crushing pain in my chest.
My eyes are closed
My snores take up the air
Your hand slides up my
Thigh and your fingers
Run through my hair
My eyes stay shut
And your hands roam
My cries stay silent
As you are in my room
Your hands venture deeper
Than any had gone
My eyes watered and
I tried to yawn
My cry turned to a sob
As I realized I could not
Tell my mom
As I looked in the mirror
That next day
I realized bad things
Seemed to always come my way
My eyes welled with tears
And I pulled out my hair
Screaming but still
Knowing no one
her heart was paralyzed
and her hair growing thin
their love she idolized
left marks on her skin
she flushed all her pills
she trashed all her blades
but heartbreak still kills
and the pain never fades
she wanted all she could
and she gave it all she had
her intentions-- they were good
but she was just too sad
The girl in the hallway,
You always assume she's alright,
Hides her face in the pillows,
She cries herself to sleep at night;
The boy on the track team,
He just won the team race,
You assume he's obviously happy,
But he wears a fake smile on his face;
You come home to see your sister,
Slipping away to her bedroom,
Doesn't speak a word,
You assume she is tired from the day,
Only little do you know,
Her twelve-year old self downs a hand-full of pills to take the pain away;
Torment surrounds you although you are unaware,
Chaos and rage flood through the streets,
Yet no one speaks up to seek prayer;
Your own family fell to infinite pieces,
When you believed your dad was just asleep;
Not knowing a part of him was sick deep inside,
Every night he went out to get high,
Seeking to escape his real life,
How would you ever know,
All you ever knew were his pretty white lies,
You always pictured him a happy man,
His hurt was exposed shortly after he died;
The world holds many secrets,
Most of which none want to know,
In a world full of lies,
How will you ever hear someone's true cries?
In a world full of lies,
Holds pounds of pain upon pain,
Holding you captive to death with nothing to gain.
In a world full of lies,
Mistrust becomes common,
Yet no ones cares to change the problem
Stuck in this with only ourselves to blame,
Revolving continuously in a world of lies,
People search for death to ease their pain,
No sprout of life comes from living this way
Look around and notice the need,
Silent screams for revival roar with plead,
Learn to extend a hand, or two;
You never know what a little kindness can do.
You could change tear drops to warm hearts,
Then watch deaths transform into new life;
The work of true love restores truth to the world,
For the world full of lies finally has no place to take hold.
after kaveh akbar
you'll get it over it - lil uzi vert
oh uzi/beast/gun/green/baby boy
i tried, but my stomach nearly
disintegrated, my skin nearly
slid off, leaving me red as a anxiety-
irritated wound, i nearly
killed myself, & i'm not
just joking, like kids
at my school who
yell go kill yourself
across the hallways,
i'm not that immature
sometimes you remind me
of my mother's disappointed eyes
when i rolled up
and how she took me
to get frozen yogurt
she told me not to
go crazy on the candy,
but i drowned myself
in mochi, because
i couldn't drown
myself in real
Everything in my life is a constant cycle of dipping my feet into the waters of recovery and falling back into the thicketed woods of trauma.
When things seem to be looking up for me a thunderstorm forms,
I see it hovering above hours after another has just passed.
Meer moments of sunshine and clarity are what I cling to when the downpour begins again.
But lately these storms have been more like hurricanes,
my secure branches are breaking and there is no longer anything for me to hold.
I find myself being swept along a riverbed where the bank is now too far for me to reach.
How long do I have left until I fall over the edge of a waterfall.
How long until I crack my skull, break my bones.
And find my last breathes choked from water.
I never imagined my life to be like this.
My mother calls me a pessimist, my therapist's call me an optimist.
Does anyone know who i truly am?
My mothers eyes glaze over and her lips begin to quiver when once again at 2am I stand stagnant but shaking, confessing over a cigarette that another person has hurt me again.
She doesn't deserve this pain I feed her.
You cannot become full from fear,
you cannot become healthy through abandonment.
My tears only dehydrate her.
My therapists sigh as they write down on clipboards that once again I am not able to find myself a healthy relationship.
My safety warnings raised higher as they know once again will come late nights washing blood stains of my bedsheets and cleaning vomit off the bathroom floor.
Deep in the early hours of the morning I find myself staring up to the sky.
Wondering what I did wrong to deserve the punishment I receive.
No matter how much I squint my eyes the stars never formate me an answer.
So I conclude this hollow, hurtful, fearful life my destiny.
I convince myself that at least if I get hurt, someone else doesn't.
So Take my organs, take my soul, take my flesh and take my bones.
Utilise me for what you need until there is nothing left of me.
I hear the faint rush of the waterfall in the distance.
I smile to myself knowing soon this will all be over.
I wonder how many more times I will be scarred before I cascade over the edge into the plummet below.
I have no motivation to do anything
It's really not showing
I still manage to replicate the perfect student
Remodel human being
They think my mind is on my grades
My mind is set on ending my pain
I'll only fade
I'll only fade
And this time they all know
They just won't give me the help I need
So don't tell me you care about me
Don't even say you know me
If you're trying to tell me you know what I'm feeling
Don't say you know what I'm dealing with
Cause you're not the one who can never sleep
You're not the one shaking cause your wrist is aching for a blade
You're not going to help me so I should drop all hope
I have no reason to live
And the blood drops at my finger tips
Are screaming cave in ....
A steel paintbrush in hand, my canvas lays on my thigh. One cut, two cut, three cut, four. I've already started I might as well do more. Paint on my arm, paint on my thighs. This feeling that it gives me is better than a high. Painting to show the scars buried deep, painting to show the secrets that I keep. Painting to show the pain I hide well. Painting to show my final farewell.