Written 26 August 2016:
today, just like every day, your song plays, on a constant loop,
in the background of my mind.
it never stops. i don’t know how to turn it off.
i can’t hold onto you, though.
i can’t keep you.
i wish i could mend the broken pieces of your heart that keep pushing me away.
i can wish, all day every day.
i have been, for years. i don’t know where it ends.
i’m here...alone, sitting on the swing that we built together...
and all i want is
To Be Where You Are.
i still wake up looking for you.
For five years, we were
together -- then apart.
we were madly in love -- then I was in love with the memory of who he was, before more dance with pills, a “This is the last time, for real”
i saw his soul, one time, and only once, as i locked eyes with him. he let me in, through his water-blue eyes, and i sat with him in a boat on a placid, still-and-calm-as-glass lake, sharing space together, in a heavenly vacuum of peace.
never before, never again, have i Ever experienced anything so profound.
2017 september: i drove him to the airport for his flight to a treatment center in florida...where he would stay for one year. “You can visit me after 30 days, and I’ll write you as often as they’ll let me. I’ll come back for you. Will you wait for me?” the letters stopped coming in the summer of 2017. it was a year in september of 2018. it’s february 2019. i think of him almost every day, and i wonder where he is and how he is doing. i can’t help but wonder what we might have built together. i would have liked to meet him for the first time.