Jonathan 5h

Lonely sleepless night here i am once again
with my heart and soul up against the wall
Gasping for the air from this nightmare is unfair
Sweet deliverance from my lies gives no reward

Wishing to erase away
the mistakes i’ve blindly made
I’m falling apart inside of you

Weeping tears and frowns
Alone and cold
Your trust i’ve caused to drown

these old feelings i have wish to withhold
to make atonement before my farewell
our shadows sink furthermore apart
time is running short to end this nightmare

Wishing to erase away
the mistakes i’ve blindly made
I've found the way out the door

Weeping tears and frowns
Alone and cold
Your trust i’ve caused to drown

dropping to my knees
with weary eyes
looking up to the morning star
with a quick dare
life is just a dream
on the way to death

Song for my band
Jonathan 1d

Desire of the night on the streets
i'm embracing you
On this cloudy night with pretty lips
i’m kissing you
My misty red scarlet night
you’re my pastime
For the night

Through the city gates we go our way
To the den of vice we make our way

With your hand in mine our energies combine
desire of the night with your touch
i feel alive

In your den of vice at the door
we find ourselves
with rose petal trails on the floor
to lead the way
Candlelights and deep stares with your eyes
I’m led astray
for the night

To your web of lust i’m led astray
To your arms i make my way

With your hand in mine our energies combine
desire of the night with your touch  
i feel alive

you're the pastime of the night
you're the nights delight to me
you're the hearts desperate need
you're the nights gift to me

I wrote this out in so many ways using different words that represent the same meaning and this is my fave of them all.
requiEM 1d

I still keep your voicemails
To travel back in time.

You used to speak to me
With kindness in your words
And hope on your breath
And resistance in your goodbyes.

What I would give
To listen to your words
Intertwine with laughter
And echo down my spine.

Destiny told me,
That today is not the end,
Tomorrow just a beginning,
And come what may,
We'll always find a way,
Back to love again;

Maybe time will tell,
Even when it stands still,
No hour passing by,
Just a change in scenery,
From day to night,
A different pace,
A brand new phase,
And lovely faces,
One you've seen in dreams,
Put can never seem to place,
Because destiny told me,
That maybe we're meant to be,
Not right now, baby,
But eventually,
If only you understand the possibility,
Of how you complement me,
The way I love you completely.


I'm losing my focus
so hard to concentrate
my mind is bouncing
like a rubber ball on
glass walls

Everything is weighing on me
like the fact it's been nearly
120 days since I last spoke
to the woman I love without

Or that I'm struggling
with my close friend
trying to mend the bridge
of the relationship is hard
when she never replies

Or the fact that my addiction
is spiraling out of control
burning me alive and yet
I can't bear to sleep with
a woman since my last

I'm losing sleep even faster
than the US debt is growing
no matter how exhausted i am
I wake up feeling drained
mostly dead

The worst thing about this is
I can't even commit suicide
because I'd rather murder me
a little each day with the pain
because I hate myself

“I wanted to kill the me underneath. That fact haunted my days and nights. When you realize you hate yourself so much, when you realize that you cannot stand who you are, and this deep spite has been the motivation behind your behavior for many years, your brain can’t quite deal with it. It will try very hard to avoid that realization; it will try, in a last-ditch effort to keep your remaining parts alive, to remake the rest of you. This is, I believe, different from the suicidal wish of those who are in so much pain that death feels like relief, different from the suicide I would later attempt, trying to escape that pain. This is a wish to murder yourself; the connotation of kill is too mild. This is a belief that you deserve slow torture, violent death.”
― Marya Hornbacher, Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia
Ree 3d

my first love left me
when he realized that i'll never be quite as whole
as when he first met me
my first love left me
because he did not know that every day spent with him
was me sharing bits and pieces
of my once whole self
my first love left me
after teaching me that sharing was caring
that we were forever, always
my first love left me
without saying goodbye
with memories of false promises
with an aching heart

janelle 4d

when i was younger,
i was told to stay away from knives,
or anything else that could potentially harm me.

when i got older,
i realized that my hands were more lethal
than the razor blades and scissors
because these skinny fingers of mine
are made up of bones and sin,
wherein every joint marks a knot
my distressed brain could manipulate
and that scares me.

i look for you
in crowded places
but all i can see
are unknown faces
wondering where you are
maybe you're somewhere far
even now i'm feeling blue
you don't even have a clue
keeping our memories together
though i can't have you forever


Whatever it was, I felt it in my gut. Organically. Euphorically. Even when it came back up, I did not mind the taste. You made me feel like I could stomach anything though I always hated sour food, I spent my afternoons kissing you when I should have been at school. My grades started to drop and you told me college was a waste because the world did not need my help, you did. So I started learning how to fix broken things. There isn't much literature about broken people. They say you aren't there to fix them, but to love them instead but you drilled it in my head that those two were the same and that if I didn't do it I was useless so I ran myself thin trying to piece you back together. You never even told me what broke you in the first place. I spent months trying to get into your headspace to figure it out and you boarded the windows on our apartment so the heat could not get out, or that's what you told me anyway. I guess I never told you how I felt about all of this and I'll never get the chance, but you made me feel something I still can't. I look for it, believe me. I tried everything. Nothing matches the rush I got when you would knock me down then pick me back up. Nothing struck quite like your words even when they were used to step on the path I was planting for myself, but I never asked for help because I didn't know it was wrong. And now I don't know how to fix it, or me. I should have looked harder for those books on how to fix people, I guess.

Before the ride begins, you always look over the rules and regulations. You look ahead as the group in front of you gets on, and you expect something similar. You've never been on before, and it seems fine enough. You're scared, but he takes your hand and swears that things will be fine. He's been here before when things were a little rocky, but he assures you that this time around, things will be smooth sailing. Glancing over your shoulder, you see the group that was in front having a fun time. The group and his words are enough to convince you that it's okay to get on.
          The ride starts out a bit slow, building up your anticipation. This is how it started with the last group, so things should be fine. He holds onto your hand even tighter, and tells you that things will only go up from here. The ride takes you higher and higher, and the view looks amazing from where you are. Everything seems so perfect, so wonderful. You look down to see the clouds below dancing around, and he looks amazed as he looks at you. This is an amazing time, this is what you had been hoping for. This was all you could have ever wanted. And then, that's when the ride stopped.
          Things were going just fine, so you start to panic a bit. He tells you that this is normal, and that things will pick up once again. You don't recall the other groups stopping completely, but you have a bit of faith in the situation. You believe that things will eventually be okay, but that doesn't stop you from freaking out. You are new to this, it's understandable. Some things are just a bit unprecedented and you can't predict these situations. And as you start calming yourself down, things start moving again. But they move downward.
          Rapidly, your stomach lunges towards your heart and your heart towards your head. You can barely breathe as this downward spiral takes control of you, and there seems to be little you can do. When there isn't any room for you to be in control, it worries you sick. And i'm the midst of all that is going on around, he lets go of your hand and reaches for his own safety feature. Falling, you shut your eyes tightly and pray that it's over soon, though you never did believe in that higher being much.
          All you can think about is how this wasn't so visible before. The other group still held onto one another when things seemed to go downward, and it didn't seem to go nearly as fast. And you didn't expect him to let go of your hand, you needed that reassurance constantly, and he let go. But he needed his own reassurance, so that is perfectly fine. You are understanding, and you just silently cry as the ride seems to go on forever downhill.
          Until, it climbs again. You open your left eye to peek to make sure you are still alive after such a traumatic point. You look towards him, and though before he did let go, he was still there. And he weakly smiles at you, and grabs your hand again. "Sorry." he mutters. And you gladly accept it. You understand now that things aren't going to be perfect all the time. It will take patience and trust and only then will things be okay in the end. It is slow to the top once again, and though you know that eventually, things will go downhill, this time you are prepared. And though he may just let go again for his own safety, you still will hold on until the ride is over. That is what you must do.

originally written 11/20/16
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