Two letters. One syllable. Packing more punch than an insect striking a windshield. At least in that scenario, the pain is momentary, release is instant.
But you. You said that simple word and the emptiness in the silence that followed was anything but. Because what it truly meant was disappointment. Confusion. Regret.
“I wish I would have known”
That’s why I was telling you now. Shouldn’t that have accounted for something? Shouldn’t you have seen it was hard for me to tell you that.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to know what was going on inside of your head because **** me, I liked you now and then that happened and now I felt uneasy of myself. Of my worth. All of it through the lens of you.
I feel like something is wrong but I don’t know what. Did I do something, or is it because of what I didn’t do? Just speak your truth to me.
With an emoji. Does that equate emotion? Or is it a filler for words you don’t know how to say, feelings you can’t convey, the way you’ll break my heart eventually but for now I should ‘sleep well’, sleep well.
Well it’s hard to sleep when the person you care about is the one keeping you awake at night. Do you even still care.
I say. But what I really mean is I miss you. Do you miss me? I miss your touch, your laugh, the way you slightly smile when you pull back from kissing me, the way you looked at me as you hovered above: that look of genuine desire. Was it all just physical?
Only time will tell. But in the meantime I hate the social constructs that tell me to play this game, to wait it out? To not look clingy? To not want someone. I hate it. But that’s the rules of the game.
So. Your move.
© Joanna Mrsich. All rights reserved