Casualty: my interest fading
Once waxing moon now seen waning
And I did concede your irksome warning
And watched as the rest played out

So let bygones be gone, fallen out by the side
Of this road, worn down, still restless, keeping straight
Eyes glinting off token little bits of hospitality
Mother nature being so inclined at times

The stress so unnerving, I hardly doubt it
But tension is eased once it comes to acceptance
And I accept in full, finding time to unwind
Winding stretch of lonely road, dotted here and there by
An occasional landmark
Or a lonely tractor pulling behind it
Iron bars, old and rusted
Found in their hold
Bales of hay or
A small little pond
With a bench beside it
Holding initials carved against the grain

With a heart surrounding

As mine beats slower

At last, the sun begins going down

And the moon grows brighter
Even in its state
And my feet move faster
Though my body is withering
I feel this separation growing
As my mind takes flight and leaves me

Behind, in the twisting twilight
And alone, I walk along

Solvent and solution
Kept assuaged for so long
Treading in the selfishness of my subconscious state
Of barely traceable memories, spurred on by the gravity of time spent
At the briefest hint at past involvement

Each leaf falls, eventually.
Every pristine little well formed tended to.
Each nurtured, cared for, parcel or idea.

I can watch them for hours
Watching them fall, one by one, for hours.
When days start to bleed together, out of the corner of my eye,
I can always see them, marking progression.
Collecting in drifts, then, taken by the wind, then
The rot sets in.

I used to watch this.

I used to find time.

The roof cast me in its shadow, even standing along the banister that runs along the length

Even as the final rays of sun start to vanish one at a time

Tipping point reached, one final breath
Let the waves of inertia crash, contaminate

....

Alone in complexity, machinery, and everything
Perfectly formed human being
Slowly turning sour by the minute

Stale air, only growing in its bitter taste as
Seconds that feel like hours, add to feel like years
All the plans i made
All the plans i planned to make
Gone, but not forgotten

But then they were gone
Truer statement never read then
What i read on the back of the final bit found
Within my reach
Filtered through a layer of sediment
settled over my vision
Sanitized as life had been

But my shelter having been breached
To seep much longer...

Too accustomed, but it doesn't help

Found lacking in the company I had hoped to keep

A poor atonement, sinking further

Or, it kept rising

I was nearly covered.

.....

They stepped a little closer
And left appalled by what they found
Rotting in the dark, silently

Defensive at the outset, shaking at the sound
Sounding incomplete

Face down this
Eventual ending
For me

It's still not ok, but then again, when has it ever been...

There's nothing but grey skies
I can just about glimpse them through the door
As much as I tried
I still find it hard
Sitting on the lowest stair
Watching through the screen door

A simple comfort, it always is
Watching as the first few drops fall from the sheets of clouds
Creating channels across the dirt on the glass
Bright, despite everything
Bright against the pale white paint

Its good to not have to think
It can get overwhelming
And I'll admit to one thing
As much as I'm remiss to static opinion
Catching just a glimpse or two of
A passing black bird or
Something...

Just to remind me

Grinding....

Leaving it silenced, drawn and quartered
Clawing for the scraps left over

Predicament I found myself in
Or, towards the end of it
Slipping from the edges
Forager focused on finding any way back home
Sidetracked by some apparition left crying
Alone, in the corner

Grinding...

Paused, with rain drops weighted, heavy sense in the air
I can feel my lips turning blue and
Twitching

It's more literal than I would dare dream in a waking nightmare
The smell of every molecule tantamount to another realm

Hangs motionless in the air
The stone transposed becomes a rooftop asylum, overlooking such uncouth misanthropic parcels, self absorbed in this grotesque imagery, a veritable wall of self hate puzzle pieces

Grinding...

Low, on an almost ominous note, still grows colder in my ears
Blowing on winds filled with the spite and righteous
Anti holy
Fully rupturing sound of far off laughter of the
New root

My lips still moving
No sound produced
And my mind
Grinding...

I still pray to god for you
Beset on all sides by the same wickedness
Still afflicted by myself

Argue for arguments sake
****** up on the uptake
I thought that you might want it
I guess I forgot all the subtle ways
The fires spring to life at night

Arguably the wrong choice is
Looking at him
I try not to
Catch that glimpse in his eye
Already my mind races
And my bones are shivering
At the thought alone

Brickwork backing
Still swells maggots
And filing paperwork
For entrapment habits

Grinding

Under the mantle of this world
The thickness of the storm clouds
Perpetual, thorough
Meeting the foam crest of the waves
Dark enough to hide intentions

Walking along the tired rocky shore
A stretch common, tasteless to all but the vaguest sense
Some spray, felt deep along the sides of the tongue
The sobering corpse, I found
Still clawing at the stones

I can feel the tears well in my eyes
There is nothing I can do
Empathetic thoughts blow through my mind
Cold strains of tainted breath
His voice is cold air, so dissimilar
And with every trace of dogma
Such overused platitudes
Yet I hold fast to that stringent emotion  

He knows me
He knows what I used to be, and what brought me to who I am
I watch him

He tries to pry, bone exposed at the fingertips
Why did this come to me
Remorse
Filled with pity, I bend down
I comfort him

The host burst
And now I feel it
Moving though the back of my skull
It's tendrils become rooted
The eyes see though my own
And it swallows what It will

The desperate remains inside me scream at it
But it's just rotten flesh

And there's nothing left for me
Now and forever

A blinding
Hopeless inclination towards a blending of nostalgia
And something just a twinge surreal.
Too enraptured, perhaps, or too locked inside the senses
The search takes me places, to small shards that I don't quite comprehend.
Still unsure why, if I can't, or I just don't want to.

It's old and familiar
Soaking in solitude, rife with memory.
Touched lightly by the hem of rose tint, blooming in the spreading flames.
As the old wooden paneling, tried as a tinderbox
Begins to peel away, affected by the heat.
A fire, awakening with the first rays of morning.
To warm up the little room, as the walls softly fall, turning to ashes.
Revealing the bare frame.
And the fauna outside begins to show itself
Sprinkled with dew, gently coaxing away the flames.
Rooted too close, it would seem
As they progress, slowly wither under ash

But for now, I still crawl through creation.
Hopeless, I'll never recapture...
Ignoring new context, engulfed in this fruitless rapture
With the past still dancing through my head.

Stake claim, enslave
Falling behind
A wake so odd
Cosmic, wretched truth
Will all compose
With repetition
Til all devolves

Equally wrong choices, with dire stakes
Options weighed, time again

Derived presets, and presupposition
Derivative motion,  placed on this clean slate
And left for a lifetime
Of horrid substitutions

Every passing moment
Caught staring at the blissful sky
Decorating the ceiling

Awash in the glow
Of light that hides away just out of frame
It's been burning low

Thoughts of my life still beckon, as the world takes a somber tone
But the timing is right, pulled in this effortless misdirection
It's numbing

Found myself here
Why isn't that enough...

A gilded cage. Maybe
I guess
I'd rather let the summer air drench the weathered wood
Another recessed cycle, all timeless til its over
Lie here lifeless
With nothing left to fight
Only time

Rusted iron bar
Rough against my wrist
Trapping all the moonlight
Under crystal waves

****** mason jars
Menial joyless tryst
Draining all the starlight
Through crystal waves

Far as you are far
Listless in your way
Searching in your headlights
Flooding in my head

Rustic open scar
The grit all washed away
Deep beneath the moonlight
In crystal waves

I just can't no longer see
Without your rapidly deteriorating interest interest
What's killing me

Causality
Couldn't care less
It's killing me

Whatever life spared to see
Couldn't care less

The softest whispers of
Past ideas, and inclinations
Postulating long ignored dreams
Of long dried progenitors
Upon which we now look down

From the mouths that pour out banal well wishes
To the frozen digits, attached to architects and engineers

Most come to understand the past lies in fragments

Crucial details overlooked, time and time again
Lost amid a sea of bleak optimism
Futurism has its place, along side the winds
The ones that bring the same tired tides

I've drawn myself yet another line in the sand
The definition is as lucid as I could possibly be
Maybe a reflection of identity
It keeps shifting

Stepping forward, though unsure why
Commandeering tidal waves
Building bridges between figments in the skies
Attention drawn
To the edges of half way signs

"Onward and forward", the dead still proclaim
Long after the earth is packed
After death, so many still remain, if for the moment
Apparitions, spiritual possession of discourse
Tearing away from the pale, and digging deep into the fresh crop

You'll be gone soon enough
Into the standstill, though
The dead see it differently

Cosmic mistrust, a classic case
To free yourself from the very shackles
Blood had prepared you for, oxygen raised you for
Natural order now spurned
Floor to ceiling, ceiling to walls
Connected them seamlessly

What are you still fighting for, now?

hollow summer tomb, could be worse
Waiting in your dark, this single world
Keeps wasting away, I keep taking notes
on truth that I find, in stories you tell

Everything I fear, I see in you
A poor disguise of choice, over wicked truth
You're here for a while, I hope for the worst
For all the other times, you still get through

Cryptic walking
In the daylight
A feeling familiar
Lost as it is
Right now
for now


Something brushes
past my shoulder
Seething restless but
We're not scared
For now

Circled round the moon, now sentient
Curses lived in full, souls born to rend
My best attempt, braced for the worst
I know we'll find our ourselves. Again

Lost inside the aftermath
Finalize our disarray
Starting down another path
Of cold decay

bought ourselves a little more
Could've done with clarity
Sunlight outside the tomb
For the time remains

But what I fear I see in you
This unnerving wicked truth
Why you're wrong I'll never say
I hope for the worst

I can't get so bogged down
Like i do now
So often its
Boring to be found and
Lost at the same time
Finding time to lie in
My bed, or a coffin
Whatever works
For better or worse

Plans I don't make
Can't really change
Or fall through at all
Funny enough
My whole things been
Mauled and I'm standing here
Coughing and blocking out
More ideas

Pretentious melody's play in my head
But I can't slip into
Real world explanations
The sky can only be one of two colors
A sentiment tied to
One or the other
Or I'm left wondering why
It has to be

I'm still sick of every friendship I make
Its hard to examine the memorys
What I take, and what i leave behind
Trivial, and i wish i had a bit more
Control

I don't care about my future
Irregardless people will still be
And treat me the same
Way, and I'll still be pining for
The same things
Guarded and
Mostly friendless

Intensity
A single word, all that comes to mind
Propensity
For thought, or setting things aside

All the glowing neon signs
And everything that I try so desperately to convey
I just can't find the right words

It's got to have rain
No doubt
And light as well, so long as it's gray
Or neon red, with hues of blue
As long as its night
Or something tangible in white
Something representing past days

Ages ago, but familiar feeling as well
Ages, only years maybe
As long as its different

Some otherwise abandoned alleyway
Shipping bay turned rave
Abandoned shopping malls
Frozen over lakes

Minimalist design
Clean, and insulated against
Nature

The heart of the woodlands
Something like a cabin where
The lines between the outside and
Not are too disjointed to
Make a distinction

Maybe half the magic comes from
The inability to capture outside of
The occasional photograph that strikes
up some match
A spark or something
I don't know for sure
But if I capture it maybe
I don't have to feel it any more
I'm not sure if I'd be any
Happier
Or just worse off.

There's something wrong, hanging in the air
Tastes sweet, and fetid, we feel it on the wind
In the dying heat, seeping through the screen
And it catches your attention

You don't seem to notice that I follow you outside
Watch you worm your way past the trees
I hesitate, for a second, something in my throat
you start to run, as you gain distance, my chest feels tight

You disappear inside. Through the open door
A trail of residue, marking your every step
I feel it on each rung, in my apprehension
I'm overcome with dread

And in that sordid loft, I find you in the shade
I feel my throat convulse and I collapse

Mind scattered, sickness takes its way, I'm trying to hold
Myself together, I can't think straight
Appalled beyond remnants of my faith

Intrinsic repulsion, at every sickened sound you make
Pity rends at my soul, as I watch as you rise
Against the shadow, I can see your eyes
As you start to see me, in a different light

So finding myself alone, i clung to your affidavit
I guess you got me in your own way, in a misguided attempt at reconciliation
You locked me out of my own heart, out of my mind
And swore up and down that you'd done nothing of the sort

I can no longer find the will of better self
A promise that I could relate the truths I found

In my game everything goes a little better
In my life victory taste a little bitter
Im far too cold to care about the weather
I guess god is right and i am just a sinner

I hope you leave so I can start to miss you
Fearing the world is a step too far
I like to live in a special place of solitude
I guess it helps to wonder where you are

When will the rain come and segrigate
The orgin and the man so intertwined
When did the hateful consumate
I guess i'll leave my identity in mind

And when the times comes
Dont get me wrong, i hope it does too
And when the last chime rings
Dont get me wrong, i hear them too
And when the lights start flickering
Dont misunderstand my state of mind
And when someone comes looking


I'll drag my nails acrost the chalkboard
So i can stay here forever, and create clever pictures

Vanity, a flippant curse of heart and mind
Conjoined as one, feeble as the end produced
The whole mass aches and shivers
What I tell myself, and what I know as truth
Are two separate things entirely

Humility, an apparition of soul and spirit
Unity at the cost of knowledge and it's pursuit
My thoughts elapse, and it all slips further
What I told myself before, in this exchange is forgotten
And I'm something else entirely

Morality, in arbitration, I ground myself clear
Wrought against the will of better self
Tooth and nail ground against my gaunt spine
All the words said before, robbed of meaning
In the context I find them, am I something else?

Are you a part of me?
Why can't I hear you
Deep inside these walls
Aimless, seizing
Are you through with me?
I cannot hear you
Can't feel your echo
Only creeping residue

I saved you once

Implanted in my mind
Harder to find than you might admit to
The pinnacle of existence
I can see, as you can see
You're far from blind
I know you've seen my truth
Reflective persistence

I'm not trying to bug you
But I've got what you're missing
As you're fishing for something
Somewhere inside you
Take a look

I might as well be an open book
With false pretenses
Ill make amends
And tend to the gaping wounds
Limbs rotting off

The soft landing is to get sawed off
You head case
Its so cold alone
On the floor
Something new is just in store

Open up
The time is soon approaching
Dramatic I know
But either I stay, or I've got to go
I'd hate to leave you in this state
But you've got to have it some type of way

I can feel it too
Burning down the back of my throat
Gagging on reality
Mortality is such a joke
Poke the bear
To get mauled
Fallen off

...

I've still got you
The true one you
Cannot live up too

Still in my mind
Still biding my time

Nobody likes me now
I don't care
Everybody hates me now
They've got some nerve..
Everybody's looking down
I'm feeling cyclical
What should I do about

These *******

Pariah
Sin in over abundance
Liar
Reality could never change
Despondent
Sacrifice util it's incumbent
Pariah
You love the fair exchange

Gauge the metric
By which you judge
The proper usage

Harsher than the light on my keyboard

Often peckish
Killing skeptics
The proper usage
It all falls in the same vein

Forgiveness to a fault line
My god
All I've ever wanted was a new design
Hiding away in the suffering
Fudge the figure for the slumbering

Drab as they may come
Welcome to the whole **** phylum
Encroaching on the underlying theming
And everyone seems confused

I took the world
In my hands
Looked down
Then up again
They all were screaming
About the meaning
Under god
Claiming that they were free men

No resolve left, I stopped listening

Threading this needle through
Each element incomplete
Tied together with the roughest sinews
Slowly leaving the whole for me

Slowly life becomes whole for me

Blowing in the morning breeze
Like each blade between the weeds
Delicate reeds, unresistant
Pulled so consistently, but still unbroken

Before I know it
I'm draining the filth from the basin
Within my bones
Flowing freely through my soul
And at last away from my core

A neon glow around the only
Temporary
Sun I have

Necessity can be persuasive
In bringing out the best I have

A short walk away
Waves barely breaking
Rocks and sand might not make
For the prettiest scene up close
But from my post here
They mostly look right

Entrapped by the dying light
Enthralled as the last rays fade
As the night slowly takes
The sky away from the blazing heat
The hues fade
Blink once and nothing changes

Close your eyes and it will change

Companionship in solitude
Finding yourself alone, even as
The one you found a home with
Sits mere feet away
That's only how it seems
Longing for it to stay this way

Life and brevity
A match made once
Strike it up
And go up in smoke
The flames may warm
But warmth in cold
That's something real
If you can manage

Leaden feet
Soul heavy
Constriction wracks my chest
Eyesight fading out at best

Every step
Burdens me
Drowing out my screams
They don't know what i mean

Cold are we
Faceless sea
The crowd is sundered
With a sound of thunder

Chemical feeling
Rising faster
Black metal plating
Hidden by color

Nausea knowlage
Turning over
Sterile and voiceless
Overpowered

The second freezes and the door explodes
One or two to every home
The crowd plays on
A silver show
And all of mine
are on their own

Masqurade
The masks are on
Every sillable
of every song
The Loss of feeling
I have no doubt
And they are carried off

A few rounds pop off
The music stops
For a split second order holds everyone still as stone
Then my life is taken before my naked eyes
And I wake up here, alone, surrounded by the flock


My heart has been torn from my chest
God give me strength

Another sunbeam, lost along the way
Remembering, long gone summer days
When the world was calmer
Everything sounded clear
But now your words keep falling
Ever further from my ears

Another sunbeam, lost along the way
lost to the elements, that pull like tidal waves
eroding further
Now the chaos reigns
Lost amid its shadow
Til its slowly pulled away

Do you think you'll look back at this moment in the same way
Since its not so disimilar
Since it sparked that particular memory

No

Identify at once
The words jumble in my throat
Retribution shock
Governing by my ticking clocks
Spewing wind to fill the sails

Empty boats
Floating down
Glinding along gilded banks
Wheat can seldom feed a soul
Only bloat the burdend mind

How does the horizion break?
When did all my buds bloom
Long into the night
And slowly wither away
But never die

Change is mine
And when it comes to me
My will I cannot abide
There will be no sacrifice
I live my life by the dimmest light

The words I could speak
To blow it out
Flowing over the tip of my tounge
But Seldom ever spoken
Silence is golden

And the danger may be closer than it appears
And you'll never know if the end is near
And the ones i loved, cherished and relied most heavily upon
Can slip god through my viens...

And yet the new ones
The immitators I've neglected
Seldom speak to me, irony a bitter curse

And up untill this day, and onwards down the current
the words still escape me

Just for a time
I thought it might be nice
To hold onto something fleeting
Something outside my might

Like, a few notes played over ivory keys
Plastic and pristine as they still seem
Can make something change for a day or so
There's something to be said about the whole
Being more
Than the sum

Old grounds
Older groundskeeper
Feeble and perturbed
A victim of himself
And his age

Mental anomaly still feels fine
Tiny little levers getting flipped around
Creating new demons to exorcise
But barring sudden
Static shock
It might as well happen

Can't change
Won't change

It would happen anyway

****

I haven't felt too happy, as of late
Questioning just how long to wait
Before dropping off the map
A whole new life tempts and attracts
Closer and closer

Drifting into the unknown
****, the magic only comes around once
Barring me out
Leaving me stuck
Bricked up the ways in which I've come
To each new dead end
Hungry for change
But unwilling to amend

And I don't know why this world keeps turning
Tried and true
As I keep burning through
Exhausting words, and things to prove

Honestly, I've never felt alone
My thoughts keep hitting a depressing tone
Light in life, keep it light
Fear the dark, keep it right
People make me lose my ****
I've long since had my finger on it
There's something to be said about solitude
Mental gymnist mindset feud

I've been fed too much too long
Now its all I can taste
Fall in line or fall apart
The choice; voicless restless ill never make
Structurally sound, yeah maybe so
The footing never lets me down
But walls I cannot abide
Living life or letting die

Can't have it both ways
Shameful
What a **** shame
So ungrateful
Sitting bankrupt, linen table
I won the world and still feel
Like someone somewhere owes me something
Take the second
Grasp it
Something you would have sooner wasted
Self reflect
Can you taste it?

It might not be up to you
But either way you get to choose

This is expository in nature
Hang on tight

Serenity of life
Gray skies for the choices I
Find time to make
Right up until the rain
Comes down
Real time precipitation
For the sole reason
Of flooding my soul

Charging the clouds
With negative energy
Eventuality says they'll burst
Sooner or later
And as the water flows down to the earth
Then up and over my teeth
Nearly up to my shoulders
Growing ever higher
Ever getting closer
It was all inevitability

Trying to change the sky
Is slowly ******* killing me
With every single storm
That rolls by

Its beyond me
And you too

Too soon

When will I be taken?
Who can tell
But hell, if I don't know when
When time itself never began
**** estimations, and **** plans

One way to escape

We all know the way

A darkened cave
A lonely overhang

No one dares approach for
Fear of going missing


There's so much more I wanted to say
Words and phrases before
I made my final escape
This cave I know
May be too cold
For The embolden spirits
Who hold on dearly to
Earthy merit

But know this
No one will be missed
In a minute

Fine things lining pockets
And flawed gems from a faucet
It took a month to mar the clauses
long forgotten fiends and flowing
Nature lost scenery

It might be menial, but if I don't like the imagery
I'd use a run on and run on, running on
Fumes like carbon clouds, bowing at the center
Of the hopelessness I've found

Of moths and flame, danger and wanting
Nature and harboring diseases and watching
Crystalline precipices overblown from cold
Rain, eroding stone long since lain

Homes blown through in half a day
Another half century laid waste
Forage a new course for the streams
The selfish, like me only disagree

Despite the discontent
Restless nights and fires burning low
Into the biting air, a show of flair
Its not right, or fair to vent

Hollow, it would seem
Still stable, the ecosystem of
Constant change
Trying to be heard over a flood of filth

Tidal waves painting fields
Recessing long since venerated guest
Retaking ocean lost to sandy beaches
And kids with half a dream left in them
I spent my last penny on a whim

High pitch community
From one single tone
Can go from home
To a killing floor

Made all the more harrowing
Toxic trauma of the mind

Freeze up they said

Yet we push on
And we pushed hard
We pushed it too far
Then let down our gard

And now the lights flicker from green to red
A premonition of bloodshed
Locked inside the voice of
A brother or a friend
Neither one is talking now

Survive it says
Static cuts through
And the line drops dead
Outside my head the night goes on
Cheery faces basking in the light
Permissive out of innocence

Enjoying spite out of spite
Who is right
It doesn't matter
My eyes burn bright
But no one can hear

Screams are echoed all around
But transaction leaves my words devoid
Bliss is heard amiss, above
We coveted and now we pay

The price of our sin

Parishioners gather around me
God has taken my mind
My god is splayed before me
Forming dust from thought in time

The ones like us

The ones, they've never come up
And all the ones, they don't deserve
And I

I don't deserve love

Silently burrow
Burning bright
Guiding light
To find me
The organs groan, than make me high
Each new motion besets me

My god is burrowed into the sand
Mocking me
As I am mocking you

My motives burrowed into mind
And you won't survive me god

Every six months, my thoughts change
Any time is too long
Every hour is droning on
Before I wake up, incomplete

We've cast aside distant memories
God is dead
What was once old is still old
Carry on

Robotic

Antibiotic

Symbiotic

Still we remain...


My newly bothered brothers
And sisters, so lovely
So come with me
Into this night

We are the new vicars
The world will bow
And we are the new gods
The sum of which is god

Holed up in a closet with half a pint or so
Too slowly disheartening for the time it takes
And far too enigmatic for the plans I've yet to make
Yet I move with every atom drawn emancipated

Yet the context of neurons
And bitter sweet memory all a fabrication
Another thin layer of nostalgia to force feed the sleeping beast
And even as I disregard, it comes up through the latency so brazen
Another helpless mess of chemicals to feast upon

Boring

A **** shame as well
Charismatic yet moments away from being half adjusted
Using every empty vow of justice to reciprocate
He must've mustered every ounce of faith based forgery
And the internal jury applauds

All is for naught, but drowning in waste deep
Self pity is for suckers
I can drown in less than half an inch

Selfishness is only realized once
Pride stops you from making friends
Maybe the fear hits nearer to home
Reopen its wounds like the case that lay dormant but provable
Felonious though it may be once you disregard empathy
You know he did

And yet it bleeds

Still it moves

Cognition taken for granted, but by who?
Sure, the long since departed had so much to lose
But If with every passing breath they would've ****** down oxygen
With the same callousness he possessed
When cutting off their heads

Doesn't the burden fall on you as well...
Sending a man to hell is no easy task

Bask in the grace you made for yourself
Bending the page with ink that you've layerd
With blood and homage to past ruling lieges
That murdered their wives for no ******* reason

Tragedy only strikes in pairs
Taking the same heads off twice
One visible, the other not so much

Though I see well enough
Lucidity escapes me
Left withering and splintering
In the face of change
In spite of the ending
Something writhes inside of me
A solitary heave
Railing against eternity

But I still cling
To the bits of shade

Every death is unique
As detailed as a fingerprint
I'm still not sure how to communicate
This intrusive thought, it never goes away

Please...
I need is to die knowing
That it wasn't all for nothing
That I gave this life for something

Maybe I've been too detached
Maybe I've been contradicting
Falling fast from what I'm needing
In hopes of finding something real

So outside the mind, enhanced
I see visions of my self
Inside my skull I sit and wait, pondering
If I'm even alive, as eternity
Stretches out before me, but
Nothing scratches that itch
Waiting for a fabrication to take me in
In the days to come...

I'll still cling
To the bits of shade

You caught me off guard, could you let me get my story straight
It's difficult to comprehend a ****** word you say
If you walk away this time, well, this is probably it
But I can't find a single reason for you to stay

Give me a second, let me get my thoughts right
You got me this time, feels like my tongue is in a vice
I try and say as much, but can't explain
So I try and fail to wear sympathetic face

That look you're giving, It's obvious you're not amused
I Suppress the urge to ***** out another thin excuse
You turn tail, stirring panic up inside of me
But despite everything, I just up and watch you leave

It's in obscure recollection
I wonder if it's falsified
Hesitant about the path I can't abandon now
Finding new ways to survive

Bathed in the rays of the sun
Fraught with uncertainty
I wasn't prepared for the atmosphere
Losing my chance to speak

I never had a key
It fell in place
Though I still sleep
I hold to grace
Hoping to recover what's around me

I guess It's still on me
I don't feel the same
Lost in this sleep
I hold to grace
With the colors all around me

But your words
They always bleed through

I'm aware
You think the ways I do

And your words
They always ring true

And your words
They'll always bleed through

I held in vain
The hope that you'd change
And stop making me feel
Like I'm doing something wrong

In future, will, tended to how it ends, etched into the slate
Ground straight through our skin from birth, what we choose to replicate
Pointless as a new endeavor, still, another sick debate
Debased all sense of decency, enough to incriminate

Hopeless days
Keep passing by
Complete and vacant
Yet I still try

Arguably, far too jaded for this measure of reality
Wrested from our nestled coffins, directly into sleep
Fleeting things, though labeled clearly, time will never tell
Entrancing, some formality, a sliver of repetition is

But I stayed
The same
For all this time
In the hopes
You'd see me off

Still, crawling to the overture, slight against the weak
Long, death still operates, each future growing bleak
Shrouded heart of all uncertainty, for myths, voluminous  
Captive, my apotheosis, in a metric of release

At the end
I still respect
The autonomy, I can see you smile
So go ahead
I won't keep you waiting

I'd leave a perfect world
by my own virtue it would seldom ever grow
I watched this, your flag unfurl
Never though a match could make me feel so low

I stand and watch it burn
Crushed by the silence you began to show
There is no lesson learned
I walk away, yet you don't watch me go

Step inside see my life from my own perspective
Witness my infanticide
Crumbling cursed, each new notion rejected

I am my one true love
But still infatuation leaves me feeling breathless
Unfit unfaithful holy one
Did you belive you could disconnect me

This city has a gun
Evidence is mounting all against me
Witness the setting sun
Smoking skyline sick, and watch it fall free

Counter terrorist far too late
My toll I took, all I could take
Robbery of the first degree
First degree burns
God you're so **** pretty

There was always a disconnect
This life promises to be full of discontent
And regret
Make no mistake
Every time I set something fake
Into concrete and incased
My free will it was faux
I let my emotion lay low
And now I'm going

Sorry about the mess, man

I am scarier as an invitational being
Draw me a context and watch me come to life
Strive with me, we will be friends
Come and watch as unity does commence

Try and wake up in Arcadia
And watch as you lie still
The rings of Saturn turn
And the world turns downright cold

But you won't wake up again

Trust me; I've never been so timid
Every grin grimace is as lifeless as my own
Even our souls have begun to tendril shut
Forward thinking and forward feeling
Did I take you? Sorry, I didn’t mean to

Each breath drawn colder
Each breath taken lightly
Shoulder to shoulder
Beings of all shapes
Beings with minds shaped, molded and singular

They all hunger

For you, one way or another

The eyes once drawn apart
Have found their way together
Right and left
Every breath
Working on into forever
Like it or not
And I'm sure you don’t know
We will surface soon
And then we will float

Try waking up in Arcadia
You will never wake up in Arcadia
The rings of Saturn turn
And the world became void
But the dream is all there is
You have been awake
There is no awareness
I am doomed

Could you stay the same
For just one more day

Could you stay
The same
For
Just
One more day

Do you feel that weight?
Starting to shake
Distant thunder begins to roar

I exist through sleepless nights
And the chances
As the first few drops start falling down

Pleasure and pain
Human traits
Vying for attention in the back of lucid nightmares

Everyone is the same, after all

Could you stay the same
For
One
More
Day

It never dies but never stays the same
And I must admit I like to watch it change
Cause the world is empty and I am as well
Skipping down to the sound of a funeral bell
But I still love and I'm still alive
Give it time; I'm sure I'll turn out fine
Lonely only in my mind

Something I can't grasp but
Makes me feel so self-aware
A little bit of sorrow
To compliment an empty stare
That never lies
But truth be told, I've paid my fines
And I've never felt better
Than I do when I

Let it all unwind
Ease the burden of my crimes
And hesitate or meditate on what I'll leave behind
Thinking of the end never made it get here any faster
And if I've got to be thinking all the time

Yeah, maybe
Free will is a little bold
Everyone is bought and sold
The sale is final and denial
Never helped out anyway
Maybe living for a dollar is as bad as they say
But make no mistake
I wouldn’t have it any other way

It sounded like a gunshot
Ripping through an open door
I never know what I want
But I've never wanted something more

Don't take me as an insult
Lying on my bedroom floor
Life sounds so simple
Treat me like a mind explored

I hate myself
And I just want to feel alive
I found out all I find
Dies just the same in time

It sounded like a gunshot
Bleeding out for a taste of fun
The wound is looking red hot
I am waiting here for anyone

To survive
Who will make it out alive?

I survived
And now I feel so lonely

Ha

Surprise, its me again
Full frontal, coming up again
Stripping out your mind
You all look just the same
Take your time
How'd you like a name?

Just survive, and you can have it

Will of the world
Freedom for all
God given right. To ****. Them all.

Now we go

It's time to fall
Right out of line
It's time to go

We go

Round and round on the circle
Live by and die
For what
This force
Drives home

÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷
Music box ticks out a song

Then stops

Wind it back up
÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷

Just like
The lamb
I came
Blind and mute to the slaughter
The same

The same way

As it goes

It's just the same
There is

No longer hope

Round and round on the circle
We live and die
For what
This force
Drives home

Pouring my
Iron down into the mold
It glows
Across my face
My hands
They quake
And as it sets
I can start to see

My
Face

Round and round on the circle
I watch them go
Living to die
By the hand
Of a force
Bringing them home

And it's not much of
A strech
Ive come to second guess

÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷
The music box shatters

Deep inside me something feels chains crawling all along its back.

I changed my mind
I know I never cared enough
The weight inside
Never seems to let up

Suddenly, I can't find the words to say
I can feel the rhythm of your heart beat in my hands
When I'm alone

Another road
When did I lose myself again?
There's no control
Once the rot sets in

Suddenly, everything I understand
All the seconds in my head just ticking away
Never mattered at all

I don't care if I ever live valuable
As long as someone cries at my funeral

Finality is becoming more palpable
With every moment left becoming so pitiful

There's no longer incentive to create
When you feel like will has been replaced

Do you want to die, five days after you retire?
Or live to mire, a hedonistic empire

A week is too long to go without human contact
Or so someone thinks
I'm not human, and I never signed your contract
Life is lived on the brink

I hear people go crazy, start hearing voices
I hear they got old folks on lithium
Still hearing voices
In nursing homes

I swear, I'll die a kid
Severed from my interest
Reality is giving me chest pains
Everyone is getting heart attacks

Not so lucky, when you count down to fifty
****** up and missing
Any sort of point
A king of self doubt
Self crowned
Holed up in doorless cell
-------------------------------------
In my opinion, the point of suicide
Is a more accurate representation of a life lived
Than the funeral

I hope no one cries at my funeral

It's often the weak
And seemingly frail
That find themselves thirsty
Beyond the pale

The gutters churn under the strain
Blood rushes down through city veins
The streets ablaze with tinted moonlight
Devoid of any flame

As gods and heathens burn the same
The hearts all pumping without aim
No lungs to fill, and yet still choking
On the meat we flay

The needle drops
The records play
Everyone stops
Praying that the day might break

My iron rusted
Hinges combust, dusk bled
Swung open portal
Stifling chortle I open up
Progressing slowly
In soul or sprit
But running fast and flowing

Over strewn corpse cobbles
Harbinger paver, larder baubles
Stocking lye
Stalking eyes, new crime
Commit to the violence or ****** die
Perish inside then out
It's no use gasping or
Grasping
Stranger clout
 
Each new version a variant curse
Every cursed being awaiting rebirth
New age swift death
My time is little, I have **** all left
Gliding abreast
The beast glisten already
Peeter out slice and grip
My jowls are aglow
Siphoning light from the sky above
The creatures of the dark sky rip
Beneath my leather
Each new stab a death blow

I feast
**** them all
I rip out their ******* guts
And mash them
Flesh blood and bone complete
Cycles though my very being
Tearing rending breaking
Everything
**** these dogs

The heart of the city
A drum
Plucking tendon
Plucky young thing

My weapon is serrated
My steel is ****** already

She asked me what I was living for
And I gave her this confession

In this realm of population
In the sanctum that is living
This world only exist in
The spaces that demand it
Beings who's lives surround
Boundaries required to sustain
Thoughts and queries somehow persist
Against the grain
Pain and longing don't exist outside the brain
Its in this environment, a hostile place

We come face to face with the tantamount lack of grace
Perfection has no enemies because it has no face to hate
Emptiness is something to which each of us relate
Its all enveloped in the great cold distance

Developed in the river swiftly grinding our roots away
Drab and lifeless as a surprising softness sickening and meaningless
Blending together with the coarsest feathers to create the bed on which we lay
In lieu of living organs, please send your deepest thanks

And we both looked down into the grave
A connection in contrast to
The depth of recession all around us

And the ending's always the same
Each and every host finds themselves in a less than stellar place
Every spectacle and spec of plot laden hero
Is slowly digested

Among the monstrosities and grotesque scenery
Something else can take shape
And grow metaphysically
Fake though it may be in the face
Of such bleak uncertainty

Electricity

The confusion collapses around me
A torrent of emotion barreling though members of the crowd
But it only takes a second

Now everything is clear

And....

Honestly
All I ever wanted was to be cut free
Is that as shallow as it seems?
In my heart
I know
No one will mourn
Only regret
For what could of been

You'll never know it
But i fought for you
I worked this breif day away
I sutured the pain
I sewed my mouth
And threw my soul
All of this
To gain or regain

Now no one knows
And yet they care
Or i know they would've
Had they seen me

As this here, or, my world
Is pulled undone and beams of light
Pierce the darkness and my eyes
Lifting up
I've yet so much to do
Help me

Can you belive it?

Belive me when I say
I used to trust myself
In any way
This silver cord is shorter
Now I've all but lost my health

Poor forked forced set of mental blind
Heady terminal path soon to be mine
Grimy iron taste so sublime
Salt water spilling into overtime

(*****)

I hated that
Complete tripe
*******, ******* subjective

Yeah, I AM glad you died
Like, in a present for my future
It's all mine, you...

It is all mine.

Low end rent roach
Bring around the stage coach
Pick myself a lane

*******

Classic trepidation, stationary with the aura of
Coincidence, slit myself and call it skyward thinking
Sinking feelings that argue for a sudden resignation
Conscientiousness, leprous and typesetting

Intimate knowledge that I disclose verbatim cannot, and should not, ever be used against me.
Interest infected through wavelengths, non responsive partly cause of the rupturing that's been running through my dreams.
Scant as fixes to the problems, overblown and oft forgotten, lisping when I speak of this Epiphany.
Taxidermist furnish houses, howling wolves that get devoured, sounds like God and hell and them finally worked out peace.

Just cosmetic, slightly pathetic the ease at which the mind elapses
Classics retconned till nothing's left except the years of influence
Invested in the melancholy, snobs lobbyist and in distant memories

The tension is rising slowly, as the blood pools beneath fingernails
I can hear the ropes start snapping, brittle as a leaf
The bells begin tolling, the vultures swirl amid the frigid air
Of the televised devastation of the week

I hide my true intentions, I do
Somewhat well, if I must then
Admit to something,
I didn't really care too

Stop me if you've heard this one before
Or heard it better, somewhere else
---------------------------------------------------
Sending money through the wire
Never ending crimson flow

Past the thoughts of victims
Intuition caught in undertow

Masqurades with musket powder, kegs
And lampshades tinted red

Festering my own psychotic
Philanthropic need for death

Sending money through a wire
Rising slowly through the smoke

Laughter bursting through the cracks
Of somebody's final joke

Celebrations, conversation
Windowpains and slitting throats

Powers set to loosen grips
But destitute, watch me still choke

I think its time we could talk about the ending
Open the intent that we're pretending
Its something to be said aloud
Lost within the frigid clouds above

Oceans slowly forming up above
torrents under spoken like a flood

Oceans slowly forming up above
The mainland

Syllable death knoll
This appropriate age ends
Busting out its rib cage

The dreams I have tonight are going to haunt me for the rest of my life
Staying awake is only postponing the inevitable 
I quest for heaven if only for the piece of mind
But it's much too hard to find
And praying is eating up my pride

Living, eating up my time
Dying isn't what I got in mind
But the night draws ever closer
As I'm drawing darkness in my mind

Imaging the pain is far worse or so they say
Living either way is having it no other way
Before the daylight breaks
I'll be a different thing

Self made imagery complicates things
But stains brought on by fear
Morality and what it brings

Resignation known as giving up
But you don't see the end
Trading in the destination
For a life that's on the mend
As you rend your resignation
And resign to a fate
Behold your ******* nightmares come