UV rays tickle the hair on my skin
The Sun shines on the son of sin
goosebumps tell me lies
as if my emotions were alive
somehow i reside
in a cold happiness its alright
opposites attract is a detraction to reality
maybe ask me later if im happy when i lose my sobriety
lost where only my eyes can see
with hell in my brain
it came to be in such pain
time to be a man
flipflop heres a new plan
could i move forward with you in reverse
time continues on till im in a hearse
but whats worse
is that i created a curse
on a spellbook i found
searching to be bound
in solidarity for clarity
even fucked up the memory
when death doesn't seem like a solution
look towards a new resolution
compromise on my conscience
meet me halfway oh stop this
naivety dictates i stay and wait
intuition remedies a stray straight
paths onward unfolds
as so its been told
Substance heavy, sedate me.
Mentally erase me.
Just like I do you.
Emotion weary, intimidate me.
Critically hate me.
Just like I do you.
Fuck me over, break me.
Ironically elate me.
Just like I do you.
Please fucking erase me.
So I can you..
I can go days without talking to you now.
Do you remember how different it used to be? I couldn't go minutes with you unhappy before succumbing to the lump in my throat, swallowing it with my pride, my dignity, and my general well being, getting out of our bed and walking to the couch where you rested your pretty little head.
Does it bother you that I learned to not allow you to manipulate everything I do? Do you feel proud that I've grown up? I remember one of the first times you ever made my soul bleed, I thought life as I knew it was over. I allowed you to do it nearly thousands of times before I took the scissors away, I was standing there with a bald head and an emancipated figure, still crying out for another chance.
Do you remember how you constantly acted like your short comings were my doing? You would still wake up in the morning with nothing on your body except the stains of my love. You would still sing to me in the night time, but only in my head, and when you actually came home from work usually there was a problem that had to be sorted out because you and peace were enemies.
I never felt like your enemy until I saw you kissing her. I realized in that moment that I don't love you anymore, but a part of me still thinks I need you. The last time I ever felt comforted was when I allowed myself to pretend you were there for me, but you weren't. Emotionally, I was starved, but at least there was body warmth in my bed making me think it was all okay.
Do you remember what I said to you when I initially decided to leave? I was so sure, matter of fact. I knew I couldn't survive off the scraps of food you threw off the kitchen table I bought for much longer, and I had stopped being able to focus on anything other than my growling stomach. I told you I had reached my final straw, I had nothing left to give and no space inside my body to accept something so weathered any longer. You laughed it off. We were going to be fine, I stuck around for a little while longer. I shouldn't have.
Do you know that you are my first love? I still love you to this day. I thought I didn't, but I also spend a lot of my time distracting myself away from my own head so maybe deep down you have always rested inside of me. You took a piece of me with you when you left and I'm not exactly sure what it was. For a period of time I thought it was just my ability to read a situation with my sanity, that I was simply addicted to your chaos and had recovered after some time away from the high of it all. Next, I blamed the loneliness, because it's really so unbearable sometimes. I crave a connection I can only get when I allow my soul to take over the rest of my body, and I did that every single day with you.
Please don't think I still love you in the same way that I did, because it's much different. Do you remember how convinced I was that I couldn't live without you? It's been a few months short of a year. I'm doing it. I can't say I'm fine because I'm having another one of these days, but maybe that's okay every now and again. It's been awhile since the last time I considered calling you and begging for another chance. It raises a really difficult question inside of my bones; why do I go there? Why are you the person my subconscience connects to? I hate mostly everything about you. I know now, without a reason of a doubt, that if I had stayed much longer I not only would have lost every good thing about me but I would have stolen parts of you too.
Do you think maybe the piece of myself that I gave you, right in the beginning, was a part I really needed? What if it was something that makes me who I am, allows me to breathe, allows my antidepressants to work?
I hate you for kissing her, for wanting her, for calling me every few weeks because you know there was something there that might never be replaced. I absolutely despise every thing inside of you for being happy without me. The thing that we had, that connection we shared or the fire we created, it wasn't something good so don't get me wrong. It was electrifying in the worst way, the type of pain that feels good, the space right between never and again and me convincing myself that you weren't karma out to get me. But how did you get over it? How can you not live without it?
You used to call me sadistic, told me I loved my misery. Is that why I stayed as long as I did? Is that why I'm scared to death that I miss you?
A good one, if I got any sleep last night that wasn't interrupted
by your elbow in my back
it felt eerily like a knife I thought, but how unfortunate for me,
when you woke up to find
I'm laying on the floor, finally finding my rest, however poor,
so you complain of love lost
and knowing your fondess for storming out doors, still I wait
with the words on my tongue
my body reverberating the tense energy swirling around us,
because if you do what I think
than what else could be said to mend to cracks in our image?
not much I gathered from the look in your eyes
a look I didn't have long to memorize
you were here, and then not
faster then I could summarize