And I say I’m fine, the same night I sit, rock and cry
I’m just trying to hide, all this pain buried inside
And you don’t know how broken you are
Until the tears fall from your mother’s eyes

I scooped up a shovel full of dark brown dirt.
The midday sun beats down causing sweat to drench my t-shirt.

Soon this will be all over, right?
I guess i’ll feel more at ease when it becomes night.

Another scoop of thick hard soil.
With each motion i feel my burning arms recoil.

I cannot believe i got myself into this.
This is something I’ll definitely never be able to dismiss.

Is it wrong that I am barely feeling guilty?
I think i’m more concerned how my clothes are so filthy.

I roughly once again dig deep into the earth with a large amount of force.
Perhaps there will be one day where i’ll finally feel remorse.

Finally the hole is covered.
Fingers crossed that it doesn’t ever get discovered

I blink my heavy eyes open to look around, but instead, I’m greeted with darkness.
The sounds of shifting dirt fill my lightly ringing ears.
My mind rattled out theories about what the sound was and if it was harmless.
The noise stopped, confirming my fears.

My breath got heavy and my heart began to race.
I yell and I shout, but nobody answers my horrified screams.
My mind began to bend as I broke down in the enclosed space.
Clawing and thrashing and crying streams.

Digging my fingernails into the wood.
Terror filling every inch of my shaking body.
Crying and screeching as loud as I could.
Quickly, and feebly praying to everything godly.

My head pounded and my hands grew weak.
Falling down the rabbit hole of despair.
My wheezing turned to a quiet screech.
My lungs screamed for more than the dank, thin air.

Knocking on my casket with one fist full of crumbling hope
Laying alone in my coffin of terror.
How much longer do I lay here and mope?
This has to be a dream, an error.

I slam my fist one last time.

This has to be a mistake! I’m Alive!

•
•
•

I blink my heavy eyes open to look around, but instead, I’m greeted with darkness.
The sounds of shifting dirt fill my lightly ringing ears.

Here in this silence, deep in the dirt...

[a head full of darkness, a heart filled with hurt]

...

The cracks where I've hidden this monster inside;
She waits for me there, though leave her I've tried...

...

For I am the darkness, enveloped in light;
And I am the sunrise, shrouded by night.
If this be my monster, then I shall not hide;
And I'll walk along shadows, with her by my side...


For our joys and our sorrows we all must embrace;
And the sins and the sadness we'll carry with grace.
Deep in our hearts, where darkness is found;
And our demons are buried, under the ground...

...

So here in the silence, I lie by her side;
    And the dark I embrace, from myself I won't hide...

I am tirelessly tormented by black thoughts that mercilessly mock
shame and scar my broken body.

My worked worn bones bend
as I will my bruised body to rise on shattered limping legs.

I’m forced to lift myself off the cold cruel ground once more.

I climb out the grave that
I
decided to dig.
While a dark hazed figure tries to bury me alive

I see the cold shaking hands of insecurity shrouded in a dark cloak standing by my side

As we look over the pit I escaped.

I intentionally let a sadistic smile slip. Laughing with an unwavering stare.

I grabbed his  old steel shovel
and filled my grave

M.O.I