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How could I tell you something that shames so much?
Now we could never really talk about feelings,
Always such a distance touch,
An impenetrable wall we both couldn't nudge,
So I've learned to fight my own demons,
Barely escaping ****** and beaten.

How could I tell you that you do not know me like you think you do,
And that I've lied to you,
Over and over,
And maybe that's why we aren't closer
I remember your stern eyes making wish
For an eternal slumber.

How could I tell you that I know I am your biggest disappointment?
That it hurts me to the bone because you have kept me in such high regard
But you only admire and are proud of a simple facade
And that you could never love the person I truly embody
As your perception of who I am is foggy
Not the son you wanted me to be,
But the one who will smash your vision of clarity.

How could I tell you that for so long I've cried myself to sleep,
The denial it ran so so deep,
Me and self-love are strangers without your acceptance,
Despite the nights I prayed for repentance,
None came just Divine resentment.

How could I tell you that even though you've suffered through so much pain,
That I'm just another hatchet that will bury deep within your skin,
That I'm the loser and there's no way to win,
Fresh scars of your hopes and dreams,
Faded dim,
Your affection of me, I know, will wain thin.

How could I tell you that I remember the look in your eyes when I exposed my naked truth,
As innocent as the boy in my youth,
You met me with harsh shards of reality,
Scorned my vulnerability and crushed my sensibilities
Searching for love unsteadily,
Screaming and crying wearily,
Desperately looking for light in those eyes,
But you met me with rejection;
Needing poetry to escape into my own fantasy,
Your eyes will forever haunt me.

How could I tell you that I have always loved you,
Despite the pain in my heart you put me through,
Like any child I cling to the memory of you,
So that you could proudly call me Son,
But you realise your expectations are undone?

No, Mum I don't want a wife and I don't like sports and I hate the taste of beer and I'm never going to be the man you want so preciously and I hate the sound of your voice when you shout 'cause it reminds me of the time you told me to get out,
So I tried to destroy myself.
Intoxicate myself.
Harm myself.
Laugh at myself.

How could I tell you that the reason I always look dead behind these eyes is that my home felt like a prison,
With you as the jailer,
Nervous and petrified if anyone would see my indecision if asked a simple question "Got a girlfriend Janal?".

How could I tell you that I love you,
But I can't change the way I am,
Despite the amount of times I've tried,
I can't go on living in a lie,
And I know you'll be ashamed of me,
And your heart will break
But I am not putting on a face to be fake.

How could I tell you that your real son is ***?
And that he hasn't changed and still loves you?
And he hopes that maybe one day,
You'll love him too?
This is my coming out poem to my Mum. If you're LGBT and have traditional/strict religious parents you'll know and unfortunately share the pain expressed in this poem. It was really important to me to show my feelings of not wanting to hurt my Mum with the truth, even if it needed to be said.

If Anyone is struggling with this please, please, please inbox me I'll always give you an online shoulder to cry on!
I'm nearly 20.
I thought by now I would be able to see clearly,
But it's cold outside and a little foggy,
Don't really feel in control of my life

I'm a little dizzy

I feel naive, trying to plan my life out,
Truth is those plans drive me crazy,
I'm lost in the moments of adolescence,
Makes me sick, makes me weary,
I thought my life would nourish me plenty,
Not to say I'm simply unhappy,
It's just that i can't help but think that...

Why have things turned out so differently?
What is life trying to tell me? To teach me?

I'm nearly 20.
I look like a delicate seed but feel like an old oak tree,
Worn in, old and bashed against the sea,
Feel like I'm drifting motionlessly,

Into that sea

The captain's dead and rafts are broken,
haven't got any sense of direction,
Wonder where i am going,
Floating in introspection,
And I just can't help but think that,

Why have things turned out so differently,
What is life trying to teach me? To show me?

I'm nearly 20.
Lost my childhood, sadly
I'd be lying if I said i haven't lost more, frankly,
But no regrets, they've shaped me into the man I am, even if it's been crazy
And i just can't help but think that

Why have things turned out so differently,
What is life trying to teach me? To show me?

I'm nearly 20.
Thought I loved him
Boy did he put me in a frenzy,
Shame you were a waste of time and money,
But I'll never forget your eyes- soft blue eyes staring at me kindly,

I found a home in them,unexpectedly,
Don't worry though, I will still be friendly,
And i just can't help but think that

Why have things turned out so differently,
What is life trying to teach me? To show me?

I'm nearly 20.
I've not been a saint, incidentally
Realize I've made bad choices, with and without company,
Ready to put them a cemetery,
Bury them into soil and dirt,

Maybe then I can look back and feel less hurt so i just can't help but think that

Why have things turned out so differently,
What is life trying to teach me? To show me?

I'm nearly 20.
Still writing sad poetry
Listening to the same old bands,
Unfortunately,
Feel like I'm changing, not the same old me
So much more I could be,
What happens now, I don't really know,
But I'm nearly 20,
So I guess we'll see.
Wrote this one a while ago.
Kail Oct 12
So it's National Coming Out day.
A moment to get it off your chest and say
that you're transgender, bisexual, lesbian or ***.
A lot of my friends I know feel this way.

I have brothers and sisters within Church walls
who feel this way too, but are terrifed to be called
any of these labels, lest they lose their home
and get stripped of everything they've ever known

their desires are talked about like these diseases
creases on their soul for which they could never atone
or iron out with good behavior
or the most devout times of prayer

I think of this, and my heart breaks for you
because I admit, I've been there too
wanting for things I'm afraid to say
because of the way that I could be shamed

I don't quite agree with calling myself ***
because Christ doesn't identify me this way
yet I can't help at times but be distracted
by the reality that I'm same-*** attracted

The church, I think, is too afraid
to face the fact that there are many who feel the same
we shame these desires from a distance,
talking like it's us VS them, as if that ecplises
the fact that this can happen to any of us

can we trust that Jesus is not afraid of this?
That his body is meant to be a safe haven
not a place where anyone fears being hated
for things they have no idea how how to change
as if anyone had a clue in the first place

I'm not here to justify my sin, or anyone else's
I'm not here to inspire sympathy or make excuses
I just want to admit that I'm not perfect
and if someone else is able to say it too because of me,

I think that's worth it.
A poem I wrote for #comingoutday.
B00ks101 Oct 10
20000 miles and all the wonders of the world behind you,  ahead the sparkle of love and tears in the eyes of those that have missed you most.
Invisible Oct 7
The world goes round.
So why do we go straight?
A set path we have paved,
Through the blood of Earth.

This is the way of the world.
The way of the world is us.
Drowning our guilt,
In the Earth's innocence.

One's an accident.
Twice, a coincident.
Three's a pattern.
Four's just pushing it.

Soon we'll be lying on our backs,
Eyes half-closed, minds so cold,
In the shallows of what we have broken,
In the pain of what we leave behind.

We are in the center
The center will hold
But our center has already fallen
It cannot hold any longer.
William Yeats - The Second Coming
Another anniversary

Of my coming into this world.

Thoughts of the road I’ve traveled

Where I have yet to roam

Fill my heart with a song unfurled.

Sounding not just the cheers of my survival of life

However, the need to conquer the emptiness of lacking others you need

Successes you seek

And needed support to be given there.

It’s a weight in which we carry but warnings we never heed

To the usage of time

Past and present

I celebrate not just this anniversary of my coming into this world..

I celebrate those who stuck with me

Those we just stood and wished to be part of

The road with me that is life

Twists

Turns

Storms

Sun

Gifts

Hands held strongly onto your comrades

It’s a blessing of a needed mixture

To share

Until growing older

Holding our glasses to cheer our union

When the future brings a wife

Promises

Unseen unless youth

Survival of the harshest of burdens

Relief of the pains of judgement

And growing with life….

Such is a never challenged

Or forgotten truth.
You better practice.
The alacrity with which we crawl is grievous

We aren't laughing.
We're the ******* and you can not deceive us

We remember

We envelope the view of stolen streets
and only speak
to show the fury stoked beneath the yoke
and only speak until we don't

We know that it's enough.
We know that's all it takes.
To only speak.

For us to say that you are weak
and you rely on our feet
for what's involved in your deceit

That's all it takes for you to falter.
We chew the noose and loosen off your halter

But once the halter loosens your abuses,
still within the 'blood and soil',
boil over our brims and filter fire out
from within.

We're coming.
Contain us or try.
It won't matter.
We know the saints and the lies,
and you'll get fatter.
And you'll be food for the flies
and we won't choose to abide;
to let the bruises subside.
We're unhinged in every way we know can chew you inside.
It won't be talking.

We know that it's enough to scare you
But your fear won't be enough to spare you.
The Whisper Jul 15
I tell myself that I’ll one day,
Have everything I’ve always wanted
And more.
But as life passes and my time on Earth
Grows shorter and shorter.
And my struggles only seem to get harder
And more trivial at the same time,
I wonder if it’s even worth losing my hair or if I have invested enough, or even at all.
Johnny walker Jun 25
And never stop wishing you were still with me never stop wishing you to be here with me for Im lost and lonely without
you
Just smile from your pretty face could turn a bad day to good and a kiss from your  sweet lips that could warm to coldest of
days
Wraped myself In your  body on bitterly cold winter days such a beautiful warmth I would Ibernate In through to the spring and the winter
thraw
I feel so new,
Like I'll never age,
I'm a flower made of fabric,
A doll of plastic,
And yet,
There is a weight,
On my shoulders,
On my heart,
And if it gets any heavier,
They might just break.
Forever 16,
Spend eternity on tight dresses
And bedazzled jeans,
Don't you remember,
When things were simple,
When you had dreams?
When you were forever 16.
Rambles
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