Sometimes I feel awkward
I'm standing in a group of people
and they are staring
Because, at first, I was speaking
but now I'm silent
and they are uncomfortable
so am I

Sometimes I feel dumb
I'm searching for words
but I find none
I have no words when you're
standing in front of me
yet I choose to write poetry
Ironic isn't it?

Sometimes I feel trapped
Trapped in social disorder
that limits my ability
to communicate with others
Alone when I don't want to be
When I don't have to be

And yet

Sometimes I feel hope
because the more I write
the better I get with words
and the easier it gets

solfang 1d

I'm addicted to my favourite
non-existent recreational drug,
cueing in; compulsive lying.

The additional side effects
to my mind, soul and heart,
ain't as bad as I thought.

When I'm being questioned
about my troubling mental health,
I lied straight through my teeth,
that nothing could kill me,
yet I wanted to kill myself
the exact same hour.

I once lied to a friend that,
I will stay by her side
but in actuality,
I didn't even want to
stay in this world

But the biggest lie
that ever happened
is by telling myself
that I will soon be alright,
and lying is my only
coping mechanism

I think.

You know what I love
about this addiction,
is that it's a distraction
from the real harm,
which is self-actualisation,
of my ailing self.

sometimes things aren't the way I want it. And lying makes me believe that there's still hope in this world
Natalie 5d

maybe it's the fact i've been living in garbage, surrounded by rotting food and dirty laundry, because i can't find the energy to get out of bed, because i've been to depressed to anything but eat and feel sorry for myself and stew in not only my own sweat and dirt but my suicidal thoughts.

maybe it's the yellowing teeth because of the countless cigarettes i smoked to get the approval i craved of my boyfriend--sorry, EX boyfriend--who dumped me for seeking acceptance from his friends because it reeked of narcissism, because i was acting out of low self esteem and desire for validation.

maybe from the early signs of gum disease because of the substance abuse i was groomed to believe was the new vogue, or because blacking out every night is what freshman do and not a concerning coping mechanism i was using to hide a bigger issue.

maybe it's a result of the judgmental looks and comments on my worth from men and women alike because of my self medication in the form of intimacy and sexual attention--the ease at which i could be led to bed: through a lazy, slurred compliment and promises of a ride home in the morning (and not to mention means of keeping my mind off of my trauma.) or how after spending my last $10 at the bar i would consistently rely on my ability to give a peep show of the same body that was violated a year ago for a free shot of tequila that burned all the way down and a grimy slice of lime.

or maybe it's because despite it being over 365...366...367...too many fucking days since his filthy hands and body introduced itself to mine uninvited, despite not 1 but 2 police reports, despite 5...6...7...endless calls with victims advocates, despite 1...2...who knows how many failed semesters, despite 1 too many failed suicide attempts....

i was still raped.

trigger warning: sexual assault, substance abuse, depression, PTSD, panic disorder, suicide
Ry 7d

I lack the motivation to put on my backpack.

I drag it with my hand as I step on the bus.

Why is it so dark?

& why can't anyone hear me?

Sitting on a lumpy seat with my head banging on the window as the bus drives,
I'll bury my head into my scarf and close my eyes.

If I cry & no one is around,
did I actually cry?

I feel like life has constantly punched me in the nose.

& when I am drained I somehow craft enough strength from an endless stream of self deprecating thoughts to make it through the day.

I need someone;
Wait, leave me alone.

I want to eat bread
& play video games.

I'll talk shit while the people talk back about my dick size through the text chat.

I want to be unnoticed.

When will I stop asking coworkers an uncaring 'How are you?'

& I'm worried I will never care about anything again.

ashes to flashes
once i had a girl
now i have swirls
ashes to flashes
once i had a fighter
now my visions gotten lighter
ashes to flashes
her skin was like torn cream
but now im left with broken dreams
my sight goes black as control dims
from my hands and from my limbs
and what i see in my mental bender
is the time with her i still remember
it wasn't magical, it wasn't grand
but it was the best time i ever had
thinking back to it makes me sad
if only because she was always so mad
remembering it makes me slack
as i recreate the scars on her back
each memory hits like an attack
im taken to the black
my control lacks
again again
fuck
ashes to flashes
my seizures get worse
its a curse
i need a nurse
take the coins from my purse
then throw me in a fucking hearse
i want to die
let me try
ill run into a lorry
let out all this worry
until all i can muster is
"please"
"why"
and "im sorry"

she was so sad
Her Nov 27

i have battled enough wars
with these issues we call demons
i have battled enough in my only 21 years of living

every night while i lay my head down
to find peace
a war begins

every day while the sun is shining
and i look into the mirror
a war begins

every time i try to trust someone, anyone
whether it is a new friend, hook up, or stranger
a war begins

everytime i have flashbacks
of my childhood room
a war begins

you see, i do not trust often
hell i do not even trust myself fully
but that is where i must start
if i wish to find peace within my demons

i must learn to trust myself again
to find the sun again
to be the sun again

but i am scared
RisingUp Nov 23

I listened to Ed
Down a path I was led

A path of self destruction.

Oh no that won't work.
He's just a jerk.

Time to get back on track.

Weight restored.
Mind is torn.

How can I possibly cope?

I can't go back
Down that dangerous path.

No matter what my mind says.

I will fight for recovery
Challenge my thoughts
Disobey those inclinations
Until that voice rots
It only tells me lies
I don't care about my size.
I want to be free
To truly be me.

Zero Nine Nov 23

Sipping on OJ after sex, after sucking on a cigarette
   Night outside grows frozen as Autumn slips into Winter
She the Fire sleeps deeply, deep inside of me
   She's determined to hang moss bangs over Her face
      Block Her view from death's stony stare
         She's determined to sleep forever

What if I cut, what if I dig the skin to wake Her?
                   What if I starve the stomach?
Heave the breast toward the hand upon the chest with razor?

We all need Fire in the coldest days
Don't tell me   I'm in control
As you speak them, I speak too
We all say
   We all say
Don't tell me   I'm in control
We all break
   We all break
We've all broken ourselves

She's determined to sleep forever
   I'll
      wake
         Her

i'm ready
olive Nov 20

my mind becomes jmulebd
and it's hurting to eat

my mind is a p uz zl e
that i can't complete

my mind feels so e m p t y
and this one's on me

nonsense
Carter Ginter Nov 17

Fresh baked bread
Layered in death and vegetation
My insides burn with withdrawal
It's been almost 24 hours now
How much longer will it take?
To either cave in unwillingly
Or to die painfully slow?

If I had not forgotten my cash
I'd have given in to my survival drives
I'm happy I forgot it
Because I can't stomach the idea of food
Let alone choke down something so revolting
Only because it pulls me further away from death

Instead I flood my veins with nicotine
Desperately trying to curb these cravings
My legs threaten to give out
With each step I take
Even now, scratching this among global fem notes
Dissociated entirely from class
My hands won't stop shaking

Is it nerves?
Or physical deterioration?
Or the panic lying under the surface?
Deafening screams ricochet through my mind
As I try to drown these feelings
But they won't disappear

I've dropped significant weight
And I don't want it back
I don't feel the need to lose more
But still it falls away
And eventually leaves nothing but skin and bones
Fueled by electrifying anxiety

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