Autumn 5h
You left, like everyone else.
Excuses you spat, just to get away. Just like that.
“Too thin” you said, but you never complained in bed.
“Not healthy enough”, oh those words were rough.
I begged your forgiveness, not caring who witnessed.
“I’ll eat more, I promise.”, hoping my words would give you solace.
My only desire was to keep you. But away you flew.
Along with my sanity, where’s your humanity?
You didn’t care that I was sick, oh no, now I know your trick.
Just another guy thinking with his dick.
How could you, I was at my peak.
I should’ve known, you only prey on the weak.
Sienna 2d
Cold washes over
descending lower and lower
I grip onto my own being
but rejected again, I can't stop seeing
please take out my eyes, take out my mind
Shaking and bending
No concept of time
The sore returns, replacing my spine
I beg and I plead, give me a sign
I cannot seem to get out of my mind
But despite it all
I'll still manage to say,
"I'm just fine"
Sienna 2d
I feel the fade
coming on
I feel the panic
sing a song
My heart beats fast
can't stay for long;
can't breathe right now

I fade,
off and on.
Angel 2d
Over the bathroom scale because I think the numbers are taunting
Because if people actually saw how I was feeling they'd avoid me.
Because I'd rather bottle it up than tell anyone
Because not eating is more appealing than being happy.
Angel 3d
I feel it
I hate it
I can stop it. I can eat.
Food tastes guilty.
I lie,
I starve.
I hide the fact that I'm hungry,
But I'm not going to eat.
Not yet.
Not until I've taken control
I skipped lunch again.
I can hear my friends saying,
"You're not fat!", "You're already skinny", "just eat".
I tell them not to worry, I'll be fine,
What they don't know is that I'm not fine.
I'm not fine because that voice in the back of my mind is screaming whenever I take a bite.
That voice is mocking me whenever I step on the scale and it's one pound heavier then the last weigh in.
All I hear is "You're eating again?", "Don't you think you've had enough to eat?", "You're going to be overweight before you graduate."
That voice has been overpowering the others for a long time.
But I didn't make her.
In fact,
She made me.
Thanks, mom.
I skipped lunch frequently during school and because of this I lost many relationships with some of the most amazing people I know. If they ever read this, now you know why and I'm sorry.
Dear Body,

I am sorry
for the pain
I've put you through.

The problem never really was you.

The problem was my goal for perfection.

Be perfect or be nothing.

Doesn't make much sense.
Yet this thought made my life very intense.

I hated you deeply all of grade twelve
In dieting and restricting I began to delve

Desperately trying to diminish you.

Sadly it worked, and you became hurt.

Yet even when I was scarily thin
I never loved the skin I was in

Recovery was hard, but I did gain weight.
But relapse was my impending fate.

I loved feeling accomplished watching the number go down
But my mood and personality fatally drowned.

Who did I become?

My low mood drove me to change my ways
To try to brighten all the darker days

I regained weight.

Eating disorders are not all about weight
Or body image.

They're about repairing your relationship with yourself.

I tortured my body to achieve a goal
Hoping it would make me feel more whole.

And now here I am.

Still fighting.
Fighting to ignore the thoughts in my head
That tell me to hurt you again.

But you don't deserve that
You're worth so much more
Being perfect isn't what you were given to me for.

I am worth so much more than a number on a scale.

I must ignore the thoughts in my head
And treat my body with some respect.

Nourish and care for it, it's the only one I've got
Let media and culture's images brutally rot.
Have my drive for perfection no longer be a thought.
Accept myself and explore a lot.
Pradeep Mar 6
Too much, too less,
pulling in every direction.
Why do you call me,
now and then, and often.

So often I get lost,
in a distant world my own,
I jump to another very fast,
as if on a supersonic plane.

'Dreamer', 'fuzzy', 'lazy', 'lil crazy',
said well wishers.
'work hard', 'just focus',
advised freelance advisors.

I read books self-help,
and comics, novels plenty.
they prodded and poked,
'so whats wrong with you',
'why not academic books too?'

If they focused, they would see,
I seek stimulation, novelty.
I learned this late,
when I had all but accepted my fate.

Impatient, impulsive,
I speak before you are done,
can't help it, not for fun,
wish I could wait for my turn.

I delay, I procrastinate,
I pay taxes years alternate.
When close to a deadline,
always on the run.

I am creative, I am funny,
can write a poem, a play,
can raise your spirits, make your day.

Few saw that part of me,
they pointed my flaws,
analyzed my shortcomings.
Now, who has a problem with focus?
When our mind is set in one way, it is easier to live our life.
When our mind is seeing two opposite things, it is draining and difficult.
When anorexia consumed me, it was easy: don't eat.
When my family made me get help, I started seeing another side.
"It is okay to eat".
When your mind is telling you two extreme opposites, it is emotionally and physically draining, makes me tired physically and mentally.
The emotional battle.
The heaviest thing would be the fork to my mouth, to finish the long difficult stride from the fork to my mouth, or to hide the food in my pockets so my family thinks I ate it.
Give in to my stomach roaring like a lion and tame the lion, or to ignore it like how I have usually done and feel myself getting skinnier to give in to the demons.
It was more distinct and different than: night and day, black and white, fire and water.
I was having a civil war with myself,
Constant battling and war in my head
"Eat" or "Don't Eat"
This was much harder than having only one thought in my mind.
My best friend's nickname is Ana.
No one can see her, but only I can feel her, everybody can see her in me.
I take it as a compliment because I am winning.
But everyone who says they love and care for me sees it as me losing and need help.
But I am winning and don't need help, winning at being the skinniest, winning at eating no calories. Winning at seeing and feeling the bones spike through my body. Doing all of this with the help of my best friend Ana. Shes all I need.
Why does everyone say I am losing, when I am winning?
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