jai 2d
aside from shame, i think fear is the worst feeling there is
it’s one of the ones that physically affects you
it causes intense pounding in the chest, but not from your heart beating
no it more like someone banging on the inside your chest cavity as if it’s filling up with water and they’re drowning
it makes you weak at the knees, and fingertips
your whole body is jumbled with muscle jerks and trembles
and my gosh
your mind
imagine being stabbed in the skull in eight different spots all at once
over and over and over
and you go mute
unable to express any of this outwardly
you just look odd
but your body is in flight or fight mode
and you’re just choosing to sit
and that’s what you do
you sit in it
let it eat you up in every way
terrified out of your fucking mind
i have severe abandonment issues
my boyfriend took my car this night, and had gotten lost with no way to contact me
every other possible scenario had run thru my mind during the 5 hours he was lost
jai 3d
i hate the way my stomach feels when it’s literally caving into itself, you know? like when you got suppppper close to your first kiss at church camp the year before your grandma died? and then it felt the same way the year she did die and you let that 22 year old feel you up on your first kiss even though you were only 12. sort of like the time you had your first true heart break, you know when he showed you what it was like to not be taken advantage of, and then time that he did take advantage of you? or the time he cheated? or how the night your soul broke because of it and your mom and sisters literally held you down and wept the whole time, begging you to not do this to yourself. you know the build up and drop you get doing a new drug for the first time, and then the 1000th?

yeah it honestly makes me sick, and it’s not just my stomach that’s affected.
we all have those things
those things that just take us back and remind us of a time we would much rather not be reminded of
jai 3d
today i woke up and felt somehow smaller
smaller in the sense that the warmth from the flame inside my belly has gone lukewarm
smaller like my voice, just yesterday, was booming and running at a million miles an hour, and today i’ve cleared my throat 32 times so far because it keeps coming out as a whisper and getting stuck behind my teeth
i mean smaller because food is nonexistent today, only lithium touches my tongue
the only thing that hasn’t retracted at all are my thoughts
no those have stayed loud and clear and plenty at that

but everything else just seems sort of small
sometimes i shrink inside of myself
this describes that
jai 3d
i waited for you to come back
and you never did
and i know you didn’t do that to hurt me
but my chest is tight and my eyes are wet and i can’t stop these thoughts
thoughts of not being enough of a reason for you to come back up the stairs and hold me
thoughts of being a little girl and waking up and walking thru the house to find no one
you can’t fake that kind of empty
you can’t fake that kind of fear
thoughts of how because of this, i hate myself
i hate myself for allowing this meaningless act to make or break my entire day
i hate myself for letting irrational fears of the little girl inside me dictate my self worth
i hate that now that you’re back my butterflies have been replaced with razor blades
i hate that now i can’t look you in your eyes because i’m scared that perhaps maybe my thoughts are right, and your eyes will confirm it
and in all honesty i’d rather look at the ground and i hate myself, than to ever meet your eyes and have them hate me
i woke up to an empty bed and my boyfriend gone
i was so triggered
jai 3d
my first thought when i look at you
oh my gosh, he’s so beautiful
my first thought when you look at me
oh my gosh, he doesn’t get to experience that same thought

and instantly i’m filled with both guilt and pure sympathy
because how dare i not be enough for him
how dare he not be able to have someone that is enough for him

(looking in her eyes)
he gazed upon the inner galaxy, that sets within her. wdym

What does he do? does he kiss her? tell her she’s beautiful?
by then she says “I love you” and you say it too.
Words, Actions, Art, or Poetry..
can’t express the feelings given, and the feelings received.
she’s the world, the beginning of the family tree in which you’ll protect and care for.

just like how you cared for her in the very beginning...yet again,
your mind has thoughts like these constantly, all because of a simple glance in her eyes.
the galaxy that makes you who you are, but most importantly what you want to be.
i wrote the top part of this poem, and then my boyfriend came across it and read it one day and wrote the bottom half as a response
jai 3d
you can’t tell me that i don’t hate myself
when i’m upset and the only image in my mind is that of hurting myself
when the constant thought running through my head is me dragging a razor blade over every surface of my body
i feel as though peace will come once i’m covered in a thick dark sticky layer of red
i get intense flashes of self hate
for no reason
anything triggers it honestly
jai 3d
the joy that had risen in me is abruptly deflated
the rise of emotion had my body electrified for hours, and still my bones feel as though they are shaking, buzzing, reverberating with the left over ghosts that represent my happy
and it hurts

i’m so good at preparing for the worst
it could be years away, and i’ll get a hint of defeat, and ill be damned if i wait for my demise
no, i’ll make it known the second it crosses my fucked up mind
i hate when i have these moments.
it’s probably the feeling the makes me want to die the most
not necessarily just the lonely
but the lonely inside of the happy
jai 3d
shattered starlight is seeping from the holes i made

it is a sure sign of my defeat

im here with a blank face unable to process the hurricane of emotions wrecking my insides

not a single thought is one i’m able to capture

so here i lay

in a puddle of pulverized universes

dimming ever so slowly
i wrote this at 4:22am, the morning after i put a needle in my arm.
i fucking hate coming down
jai 3d
what the fuck am i supposed to do
i feel so empty
the thought of trying to pick up the pieces i’ve scattered around me makes me sick
my stomach aches with self hatred and guilt
and not anything that i can think of can make it go away
in all honesty i would be better off killing myself.
that sounds like a better option than getting high
or getting help
or getting fucked
than any of it.
maybe tonight that’s what i’m supposed to do.

end it all.
i wrote this the night i shot up meth for the first time
jai 3d
my hands look thinner
i guess you could say i’ve been working out
working out how many days i can go without
without nurturing myself properly

i just hate eating, and i just love looking great.
i won’t lie, on top of everything else, i also suffer from an eating disorder i’ve developed over the last few years. the drugs of course don’t help, but ultimately it’s my choice to live like this.
i’ve lost 100 pounds in a year.
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