Whether I live or die
Has become decided by
A game of
"how many meals is one too few?"

- p. winter

She hit rock bottom
When the doctor diagnosed her
As anorexic
And she smiled
Because it meant
Her plan was working.

- p. winter

I could fight this till the end
I have a heart full of pain,
A heart full of dread
The devil, she sits
Across the room
She has long hair
A skinny body too
Mascara on
Now look at you
Sleepless eyes
No gap between your thighs
Your stomach is full
You just want to cry
"Are you not ashamed!?
of this image you hold"
Is this devil to blame?
No, now your body is cold
She smiles instead
"Finally, that stupid girl is dead"

You know when you feel sad?
It's like that, except all the time.

You know when you have a bad hair day?
It's like that, except it doesn't matter what your hair looks like.

You know when things just don't go right?
It's like that, except you're always expecting it.

You know when you get a flat tire and you're late to work?
It's like that, except you don't have a good excuse.

You know that feeling of nausea when you're sick?
It's like that, except there's no cure.

You know when you're jealous of how other people live?
It's like that, except you're jealous of how other people die.

You know when you feel useless?
It's like that, except you actually are.

You know when you're angry and want to punch something?
It's like that, except you want to punch yourself.

You know that creeping feeling of guilt?
It's like that, except your fingers creep down your throat.

You know when you're really scared and can't breathe?
It's like that, except you can never breathe.

You know?
Except you don't.

Silence Oct 11

My depression is like a far away friend who showed up
And you didn't want them to show up

My anxiety is like when you had to get on stage as a kid and perform
Except I never get over the nervousness

My ADD is like when you would stare out the window for a test
But I can not stop looking at the window

My Bipolar disorder is like a rollercoaster
Except I never get off of the ride

My paranoia is like when you used to think someone didn't like you
Except I think everyone I know and love doesn't like me

My insomnia is like when you would pull all nighters
But I pull them everyday

My mental disorders are not what defines me
Its what you do in my daily life that triggers them and then they take over like when an emperor takes over his empire
Or when the president takes over his country

This is about my mental disorders in hopes you understand what I go through everyday
Mandy Arc Oct 9

You tap the lights three times
Because the world around you is dull
And dangerous
And cruel
And the number three is safe
And spontaneous
And comforting
But you look like an idiot tapping the lights three times
And washing your hand five times
And reciting numbers people can not hear clearly under your breath
And they look at you
Like the rare deformity
In the city zoo
Because things that are different
Don't fascinate people like they should
But they scare
And repel
And deflect others
And I can't help but feel alone in a world
Where the tide pushes against me
Trying it’s best to get me out of their vicinity
I don't mean to think over things that are dangerous and scary
And I don't mean to fall into a deep hole of endless sinking
But the words around me are groggy
And thick
Like fog
On a hot humid day
It’s so thick its feels like swimming in quicksand
But I don't know how to swim in quicksand
And the number one rule when caught in quicksand
Is to not panic
Because then you will drown
But no one tells me this when I need to hear it most
And I am the queen of panic
So I struggle
And fight
And flail
Only to fall to an endless doom of deep dark nothing
Where blood is thick like maple syrup
And people are as concealed as concrete
My insides turn into this consistency
Of dog shit and bleach
And it burns my throat
And makes me cry
As I choke on my thoughts
Because by the time I reached the pit of the quicksand
I begin to absorb it
And I then become
The things people call me
When they are most upset with me

be afraid, be very afraid

I want to be perfect- not like those who let food control them. I want to be beautiful, to sprout wings of feathery white and soar away at will. I want a body made of lace and silk, not cotton and burlap and worms who open their mouths to bare their razor-sharp teeth and coil into tight, sloppy balls of grease inside my veins. I want to live clean, but I don't want to die empty. I don't want the fate of the doily-boned girls who haunt the dusty corridors of psychiatric units, scurrying about, waiting to expire like meals hidden beneath bed frames and floor boards. I don't want to smell of mold, to have an empty heart or a dehydrated brain that can only form thoughts of calorie intake and deficits. And yet, I want to be perfect. I want to dance atop snow and leave no footprints. I want to fly high enough that the birds are jealous and wish to know my infinity. But I will not fall head over heels in love with an empty plate and a vacant body. I will not lay to waste the fertile soil of my womanhood and become best friends with a barren womb. I will not allow double digits to seduce me and dizzy blackouts to consume me. I will fight. I will fight, tooth and nail these demons that inhabit my tiny frame and play music of nightmares on the bones of my ribcage. I will honor the memories of the emaciated valkyries lost in battle before me by never letting Ana defeat me. She lies and consumes the meat of you, chunk by chunk until all that is left is your sorry, broken soul, riddled with wormholes. So no, I will not give in. I will not lose all that is good and pure in me for the promise of weightless perfection. I will feed my body and I will love myself and I will tattoo it on my ribs and the bones of my spinal cord- "I am enough."

Rebecca Madeira
2.21.16 (C)

I want
Ben bryant Sep 30

I can change my mood at the drop of a hat
One extreme to another; I'm the epitome of that

Selfishly I'll draw u in because I need ur touch
I'll push u away just as fast coz I care too much

Emotionally I'm wounded and don't know how to heal
I think things I shouldn't think and feel things I shouldn't feel

I take solace in silence rather than speak
I don't want to be vunerable I hate that I'm weak

I analyze our conversations, I break down every word
You could be singing praises but it wasn't what I heard

I always tend to listen to the voice I shouldnt hear
The haunting words of rejection, abandonment and fear

My triggers change daily, im so hard to predict
Happy one minute, the next moment; conflict

Pain,rejection, exhile and shame
I know I'm at fault but its you that I blame

I blame you for not knowing exactly what to say
I judge you for not doing the things I want done in a very particular way

Logically I get it, I understand the way I act
I don't how to fix myself, it's just a skill I lack

With all of my quirks and personality flaws
I feel it's for the best that I'm behind closed doors

Safer on my own so there's no pain's involved
Alone isn't ideal, but how else will my issues be solved

I can be me when I'm away from the crowd
I can just be myself cause I say I'm allowed

Where's this happy person that other people see?
It's time for me to let him out, time to be set free

Leah Hodgkiss Sep 27

i'm tired of making myself small, my spine so brittle i could bend over backwards trying to

keep you and you'd barely hear it break. i'm tired of hearing you yell, your voice so loud

i'll drive myself crazy trying to silence the screams. it's only when i hear nothing

that i realize how much i've come to need the hurt. i can't keep making up excuses for all

of these bruises, my body's screaming for help but my mind's been tricked by every one of your

slurred words. i'm not sure when i started calling those love. i'm tired of keeping myself secret,

one only you get to know. i can't keep saying no, i need to grow and your shame will kill me if i let it.

the closets of my heart are overflowing and i shouldn't have to hide you behind closed doors.

my nights shouldn't be sleepless and full of countless hours trying to justify the harm

you've caused. love shouldn't have to hurt. we've got an obsession and it's abusive, i don't think that

i can do this. i'm tired of having nothing but some sort of warped pride when i hear growls from

the pit of my stomach, tired of being full of anger and the monstrosity i've let rule my body. i'm tired

of feeling like i no longer have one to own. this twisted mastery i've let you have over me

is driving me to exhaustion and i need to go to bed. i don't love you, i never really did.

i love myself more than i could ever love this shadow of a human i'm forcing out the door.

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