I woke up this morning.
Then I went back to sleep.
Twenty minutes past my alarm, I realized that public education has been ranked as something mildly important, so I got out of bed and dressed myself in the clothing that I had picked out the night before - varying shades of grey. Not fifty. I'd say about four.
Sometimes it hurts to breathe.
Other times I'm running on automatic.
Sometimes I'm in control - which leads me to question the God that thought it was a good idea to put somebody like me in charge of the vital function of getting the air into my lungs.
But most of the time, I'm not.
I don't focus on breathing.
So it goes up and down and speeds up and slows down and comes out heavy and comes out quietly a n d t h e n i t s t o p s
And I'm free for a moment.
Someday I pray
I'll be given the chance
To explain it ALL
And I will not hesitate or second glance
Or question myself
In that moment when it presents itself
I will not falter
I will not fall
I will simply speak and share with you
ALL of the memories and ALL of the understandings
Which I've built up here
Inside of it ALL
Will you be the one to hear my voice?
Will yours be the name I get to call?
God only knows, although I dream
And can guarantee, that it will be, ALL
You are no longer in my dreams
As far as i'm concerned
You only exist in the moments
I see you in the hallway or out the window of the bus
You are the underlying definition of irrelevance
You are nobody
You are a stranger
A stranger that I shared more with than anyone else
A stranger that used me and didn't think twice about it
You are vile
You hold your drugs and hormones
As an excuse
But there is no excuse for the way you made me feel
Or how much time i've spent on thoughts of you
There is no possible excuse for how you consumed my life
How you plagued every thought
And for a while every tear as well
But i'd only let so many tears fall
One day everyone will turn against you
And believe me i've been there it will happen
You would have no one to turn to
And you would be alone and in this time
But no matter what you did to me
If you need someone I will be there
Because that is who I am
I hold everyone up except for myself
Even when I collapsed I will still struggle to hold everyone else up
When the very ground itself opens up beneath me
I will carry everyone down and soften their landing
i never knew silence that much
until that very afternoon
when i tried so much
to hold my teardrops
and hide the sobs
that were exploding inside
my weary body
and my wrecked soul
if i was found dead that day,
would they think 'twas suicide
or would the police say,
"she was slain by the silence
that was enclasped within her solitude"?
Signing up for this certain road
Foreseeable or not
Be it windingly long, or deafeningly smooth
Makes no difference to me
Because to get to the end of it
To the end of it all
And to drive on like this
Is to get to be with, and be beside you
When I think of you too much,
my eyes lull
my ears drop off
my mouth becomes a field
never ripened enough
to pick from.
Everyday tasks grow fercious
with their complexities,
even the necessaries
I've come to
such as drinking,
eating and sleeping
are shot up
a giant's leg of a stalk,
and you know
I can't climb that high up, my love.
So I sit here, in a daze
at the world growing grey,
has not crossed over it yet,
have not spoken enough
for me to draw out
your words have yet
to tangle themselves tightly
around my tongue,
and I find
when you are not here,
but have no air left in me
when you are.