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Chiara Sep 25
I hold back the tears that want to spill over,
My light slowly grows dimmer as my heart grows colder.
The world all around me, just dark shades of grey;
I cannot escape it, not even a day.
Anna Sep 21
Men, oh the men
They burnt my version of whispering woods
Now all I can see is grey
And all I can smell is the smoke
I have ashes over my cactuses
My uncle is awake
And he is crying
Because he knows it won't go back
To how it was even if it grows again
And I'm crying
Because I know it's true.
katherine Sep 19
"I hear a song like lullaby
a flick that slips a butterfly
dust and small branches in her hair
sorrowful dream of Autumn Fae"
Katherine KSB
A poem for a painting
Call it a necklace, noose, lead or leash
that we willfully wear
as under the poke and ****
of societies brand we still let it steer.

Living for Friday Saturday and *Sinday
throwing rain at the clouds
while we let time trickle away wastefully
out the hour Glass.

But when going against the grain
is like running into a sand storm,
we would rather let the days die
like they weren't worth remembering

Like a vapour, memories fade away
In a clumping mass of evaporating
                                                     ­      grey

                                  Then

call me a fool for standing in a sand storm
traping trickling time
in the hour glass
faster than it falls as I make
Many more colorful memories.

Gaze as I turn the dam ocean upside down
Repouring the rain I caught into the clouds
As I burn the tie
fray the noose
   loose the lead
leave the leash round societies neck
And I burn it with my own brand.
Time is valuable, so don't let others and their ideas or expectations steal your time, don't live a nine to five life, each day is a colorful memory to be made.
Nylee Sep 15
A clear sky
No grey sight
With fist full of desires
green dreamy eyes
I fly away
.
GreyEyes Aug 19
Shaken awake within these sounding walls
The stars no longer shine and night falls
In this place time is endless
Once again I am completely restless
Tired I am not
Simply trapped within this thought
This place remains unknown
But I feel so at home
Lack of emotion crowds this hallow room
This bed is my waiting tomb

This ambience is as empty as this skin
The lights only growing dim
Fully immersed in this devastating calm
In failure I must be a paragon
Everything here is a reflecting grey
In this unfading void I lay
Nothing exists beyond This
From waking life is there anything to miss?
My voice is left unheard
Is it here I will discover my worth?
Last monsoons the Champak tree
Was all abloom
The breeze lightly swayed the branches
The heady fragrance wafted through the air

The monsoon showers
this year
Wilted away the flowers
too soon

Less is more, I do believe
As the blooms wilted away too soon
Now the tree laden with fruits, ripe and red
Inviting birds of many species
Mornings are especially beautiful
Waking up to chirps and tweets
Of many a mynahs, bulbuls and
purple-yellow sunbirds

This morning as I watched them feast
To my surprise
There was, Indian grey hornbill
Beautiful and majestic as it can be
May 22, 2016

Toes warming up
You are waking up to
The fact that your house
Is on fire

No escape
Your eyes awake to
See flames covering the door
The only way out of the
Master bedroom

.....
Skip Scene
.....

You open your eyes
Jesus Christ!

Is before you a Man
Like no other!!

Glowing White

White robes
White skin
White teeth

He smiles
Like he
Has been
Waiting
For
Forever

Just For You

You think you must be in shock

But if you were in shock...
Why am I moving?
Is this a
Dream?

I pinch
Myself

But he's still
There smiling at me
Ouch I think

I notice that I am swaying
Back and forth
Back
Forth
Back
And then it
Changes into a four step 1,2,3,4

1,2,3,4
1,
2,
3,
4
1,2,3,4

Am I cha-cha-ing
Right now?
Jesus Christ!!

Is watching me!
So I make sure to put on
A good show

Fortnite dances
Come to mind
I floss

Floss like no one is watching
Jesus is watching
But I dance like there is no one

Breaking down now
I get on my knees

My stomach
I lay
Prostrate
On the
Ground now

I wriggle
Like a worm
A worm like no other

Now
Spinning
Now

I don't remember
Dancing
Like this before

When
I was alive...

I must
Be
Dead

Now

Only an angel could
Dance the way
I twerked
Then
A bit
For Jesus
Not too much
We don't want him to

Get any wrong impressions
About who we are
Or who we were
We don't give
Our-self
Away

Not for free
Anymore
No free
Lunches
Or free dances

The only thing
Free is salvation
I guess cause I thought
I was going to Hell
Before

I start to shimmy now
Shaking our money
Makers
Like an
Anaconda we got
Back and we know it

We give Him
Everything

All That We Have

Then...

We turn away...

Facing the stairway downwards
We take two steps down
Towards Hell

We don't want to worry Jesus
But we do really
Like to make men sweat

Just
A little bit

And then we bend like
We dropped a
Coin
Pick
That up I'm
Wearing a robe too now!

Feels like a dress I let my
Legs show for Jesus
Ankles to the knees I show

Skin
White
Skin

These robes are nice
But I know my Jesus likes
My skin and bones
More than any old rags

Here it comes
I feel myself
Backing up

Beep
Beep
Beep

Oh no! This is no dream
This is a real
Nightmare

I back up and back
Up until I'm
Grinding
On Jesus or
He's grinding on me

Facing hell I don't
Even know His reaction
Is anymore?

Wait what has His
Reaction been this whole time?
Speak lightly  don’t abrupt my social anxiety
Said you’re Tired of me well that makes three
Since I’m always tired looking at thee
It’s 7:30 in the morning and sunlight looking oddly boring
Haven’t been outside only working mostly

These are all the sentences that go through my mind in split seconds
Moving like bullets my head is really a lethal weapon
Other option slow my movement or distorted to a bliss
yea like the way you miss
For endorphins, working only when the body is working.


Another confidence scheme towards my low self esteem.
Yea it works wonders only when the audience is at ease.
Mannnnn....
Casey W. E. Robinson
Facebook Post

October 7, 2018

Today, I filled out a survey regarding physical, emotional, and ****** abuse suffered within the asexual community. As I wrote down one of my answers, I remembered one of the hardest days of my life. And what made me the most sad, was how invisible my experience was. How to this day, only a handful of people know what I went through. But things don’t change if we don’t tell our stories and so I decided I want to share my story today. Here is my answer to the survey question:

“I grew up Mormon. In order to be married within the Mormon faith, you have to pass an interview to deem your worthiness. Only by passing the interview can you be married in the temple which allows your marriage to continue after death. I was 22 when I got engaged. I was concerned about my future marriage because I am ***-repulsed and asexual. My fiance was aware of this and said she still wanted to marry me, but I was afraid that she was making a mistake. I didn’t know if someone could possibly consent to a sexless monogamous marriage at such a young age and with so little experience. How could she make a well-informed decision about whether or not to give up *** for me when she hadn’t even had *** before?”

“I loved her, but I was afraid. I was afraid we would get married and she would regret the sacrifices she had to make for me. I was afraid she would be unhappy and I would be reminded of my shortcomings every time I looked into her sad eyes. I already felt like a freak because of my sexuality and I was terrified that being married would remind me of how I felt every single day. But I wasn’t just afraid of getting married, I was also afraid of ending the relationship. This may be the only person I’ll ever find who agrees to be with me, I thought. More than my fear of marriage, I was afraid of being alone.”

“A couple months before the wedding, I had my worthiness interview. The interview is done with a Stake President, the highest authority in a local area. I decided to share my concerns in hopes that he could provide me some inspired counsel. What I received was anything but. He told me he would not let me be married. He had seen other men who lacked a desire to have *** with their fiances and they always ended up being ***. And when the man was ***, marriages were destined for failure. He could not let that happen to my poor fiance. He counseled that for me to stay in favor with the Lord, I would have to stay single for the rest of my life. And then he walked me out of his office.”

“With one short interview, everything I planned for myself came crashing down. After 22 years of filling my head with dreams of eternal companionship and raising children, I was suddenly told to throw it all away. Love was for other people, not me. I was too broken. I was a freak, the freak I always believed myself to be.”

“I quickly made my way back to my car so I could have some privacy. With the door shut, I exploded. I felt utterly devastated. I could handle neither the long-term implications of what I just been told, nor the short term implications. I was now supposed to call my fiance, who I loved, and tell her it was over. I was supposed to announce to my friends and family that the wedding was off. They would surely ask me why. And the only answer I had for them was that I was a freak, I was not meant for love.”

“I felt my blood boil as I screamed and sobbed in the car. I was overcome with anger and sorrow. Unfortunately, it was not safe for me at the time to direct my anger at the most logical place it was due - my religion. Everyone I knew and loved was Mormon. The university I attended was Mormon. I could lose everything if I directed my anger in the wrong place. So I took it all out on the only person I knew how to - myself. I found a paperclip in my car and started digging into my arms ferociously. I hated myself for being different and the only thing that could grant me temporary forgiveness was to feel blood trickling down my arms.”

“This was the single worst instance of emotional abuse I suffered as an asexual person. Unfortunately, it was far from the only abuse I suffered. By my early teens, I had already internalized being different as being broken. And to hide my brokenness, I betrayed myself over and over and over again. I joined with my friends in stating which girls in school I would “tap”, knowing full well I hoped to never “tap” anyone ever. I kissed girls and tried to contort my face to show passion instead of discomfort. I made sure to never talk about my deepest fears.”

“And over time as I hid myself more and more, I found that I stopped existing altogether. All that was left of me was a teeny glimmer of consciousness observing as the people-pleasing puppet I created continued through the motions of what was supposed to be my life. I spent years and years of therapy trying to get myself back, but was unsuccessful. I was diagnosed first with depression and later with PTSD. I tried all the medicines, all the therapeutic modalities, and 10 rounds of electroshock therapy. Everything failed - nothing could change the hate I felt deep down for myself.”

“I continued to experience daily suicidal ideation until late last year when I finally found the key to saving my life - MDMA assisted therapy. MDMA is the pure form of the street drug known as ecstacy. By doing therapy while on MDMA, a person is able to feel safe and secure enough to bring light into their deepest, darkest spaces. In the first 2 rounds of FDA trials, MDMA therapy has found a 70% cure rate for treatment resistant PTSD. I am incredibly grateful to be among the cured.”

However, now that I finally on the other side in my own personal healing, what still breaks my heart is knowing that there are thousands of kids and teenagers out there internalizing their differences to mean that they are broken. And just like me, those internalizations will stay with them for years, if not the rest of their lives. Like me, it will cause them to dissociate, to hide, to cut themselves, to attempt suicide. And it breaks my heart to see family members and friends raise their kids in the same environment that has the potential to cause all this pain.

As I see references to the Mormon general conference all over my Facebook wall this weekend, my heart aches for those that are still stuck in it. Stuck believing in a God that asks them to betray their own health and well being. Stuck hoping for a change. I wish so badly I could drag them all out of it. It is hard to transition but it so, so, so much better on the other side.

Over the years, I’ve had some more open-minded Mormons ask me how they can be allies to their LGBTQ brothers and sisters. Here is the hard truth that I’ve only fully learned since leaving myself - you can’t. You can not be a good ally and believe in a God that asks people to betray themselves. You can not be a good ally and pay 10% of your earnings to an organization that contributes to LGBTQ people’s suffering and suicides. You simply can not. You can either walk the tightrope of non-orthodox Mormondom or you can walk away completely. But you can not be both a good ally to LGBTQ people and have an uncomplicated relationship with the Mormon church - it is not possible.

Thanks for listening to my story.
Came up today
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