I heard a loud rasp on my big wooden door
Worry had shown up knocking once more
What do you want? I cursed at the wind.
He was looking for Trouble, his dear, childhood friend.
As Worry went in by me- a strange car appeared.
Anxiety, Fear, and Doubt were all here!
Well, isn’t this great? I didn’t know they could drive!?
Either way, it was clear- my new guests had arrived.
They stumbled over each other as I clung to my door…
leaving invisible smudges across my clean kitchen floor.
They greeted the others who sat perched on my couch.
Trouble grinned extra wide, an otherwise grouch.
They made so much noise that I now couldn’t think.
So I unwisely offered them all something cool to drink.
They mumbled, “No thanks. We’re doing just fine.”
Anxiety seemed nervous, and couldn’t decide.
Please state your purpose? Why are you here?
I shouted above them to make myself clear.
“We don’t really know. Remember? You let us in?”
They all stared blankly back from my once cozy den.
“What’s wrong? Don’t you like us here?” quipped Mr. Doubt.
Fear nudged the others, “Hey? Is he kicking us out?”
Now I had their attention as they huddled together.
A fresh breeze named courage had altered their weather.
Why I’ve just discovered, I have no more space!
No room for your game of ‘cat and mouse’ chase!
As my faith-filled the room they saw I believed…
they shrunk and took notice and each started to leave.
I rattled off scriptures…all unrehearsed.
Can’t remember the chapters or exactly each verse.
Soon it was quiet- peaceful order restored.
I pressed my door to and gave thanks to the Lord.
Plenty of regret looming in
My disturbed mind as I try
To find some sense to make
Out of all this only thing to
Do now is to correct all of
Those wrongs but what if it's
Too late years from now potential
For happiness but now all I feel
Is grief and dissatisfaction lessons
To be learned plans to be followed
And dreams to be appreciated soon..
You know, the better I get overall the worse my relationship with sleep gets.
I keep on trying. I know its healthier. I know its good for me. But no matter how hard I try, its so easy to forget. So easy to just keep going.
I'm not good at stopping. I don't like to stop.
I'm like a telegram with run-on sentences. Sometimes, innovative and brilliant. other times, incomprehensible.
I'm on the precipice of so much excitement and joy that, per usual, sleep takes a back seat. I'm bad at not letting it take a back seat. Its just so good at taking the back seat.
To be honest, I'm better with sleep with him around. And its less because he's some magic cure-all, and more he makes me calmer and I can't stay on my phone haphazardly or turn on the lights and write with another person in the bed.
More to be honest, this has less of a point and more a myriad of ramblings in hope to get myself sleepy and able to fall asleep. Because despite my rebellious mindset, I do wish to sleep eventually.
I even tried waking up early yesterday. Didn't work.
I dunno what to do. I'm pretty bad at this. If my insides aren't screaming I tend to question it less. But, perhaps, as an adult, I should question it a little more.
Maybe sleep's just heading in my bedhead.
When you are working on that really important history project, before you can even begin, there is always that one person who asks: "So how much is this worth? How much will this count towards our mark?"
Ugh. Welcome to the Bauer state of mind everybody!
All that matters in life is how successful you are. And as long as your average is a constant 100%, you do not need to worry about anything else.
What a life huh?
These people are the perfect people for office job life. Nothing but numbers, no life, no soul.
Nothing else matters to them.
And singling these people out in high school is the saddest thing, and the most hilarious thing I've done.
Because these people brag at 100% and cry at 99%.
How can you not be satisfied with anything less than overdoing it?
I mean, you go on and live your life.
But I'll stay here with a more than satisfactory 85%.
I can work with that.
There's a guy I know who once used an entire 2nd period class to draw out his entire family line on the white board.
He explains in great detail the divorces, the half siblings, the brothers he truly cares for. And you forget that somewhere in this family tree, he exists.
And he talks....and talks....
It gets to a point where you forget he's monologging.
He stops talking about and slowly begins talking about his view on love and relationships. I forget that he comes from a somewhat messed up family.
I mean, I'm still optimistic about love. So much so that I forget that people don't see the world the way I do.
And he is... not as optimistic about love.
Or rather, he just doesn't see love as an opportunity worth chasing. He explains it as, "I can develop feeling for someone, but I don't act on them because I don't see the point."
Or something like that...
And well, I can't think like that.
So I'll leave this mindset here. I guess it's something worth talking about. I guess...
The amorphous world hates each and every creative soul
Another, I can't name
Except the idols held in such high regard
Excluding the ones I disavow
Save a few, all ideas are below me now
The masses all bleed but not all bleed red
Some bleed black, and some bleed falsehoods.
Our perfect community has more common ground with the enemy than the elitist ground we've come to sacrafice our lives and time defending
If only for the present my perception is less muddled
Before I cloud my mind with hurdles
Future fleshing out
Stout lies, watching promises
Fall by the way side
I will rise
I repeat the faster I sink
This elevator ideology is showing no signs
As it drags me to hell
One intention at a time
Marching round in time
Circling, quickening my pace
Winning a race
Invented for me
By people like me
How about you try me
And then we'll see just how deep
The mitre has me
The mindset grasps me
And chains around me
Feel soft as feathers
The wings I fly on are burdens beneath my feet
My brothers and sisters hold the keys to my shackles but have mistaken them for unspeakable horrors.
It has been a very long time
I miss your skin, your eyes
The wild soul you carried always
I asked how you were
I told you I still wander
I wanted to say that
I had fallen in love with you
But I knew not what it meant
For me, for you, for us
I didn't understand anything,
Inside the storm which controls me
I know this only because
I still think about your hair
Floating with a soft breeze
Everything around me is quiet,
When my eyes are shut
The glow in your eyes
The tone of your voice
The tender touch of your lips
I hope you are well, my dear friend
They bleach our brains
Forming a blank canvas
Painting thick brush strokes
Of their beliefs
"Its a process of a growing mindset"
We are blossoming wild weeds beat with chemicals
Alive on the outside but drained inside
we start to wilt
They spray some more
Until we complain