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Oct 4 · 130
Heat
Saint Audrey Oct 4
She stood on the edge of the cliff, suspended somewhere in the distance between me and the setting sun. She looked back towards me, waiting patiently at the foot of her elongated shadow.

Her eyes were brimming with tears. Barely visible streaks of salt water already stained her cheeks, but across her lips, a smile. Wide enough to show nearly all her perfectly aligned teeth, her lips taught, almost painfully stretched across her face.

A laugh escaped her throat, something between a laugh and a sob and a cry, cut short as her lungs forced her to gasp, then falling into a spasm of short, shallow breaths.

The words fell like diamonds from her mouth to my ears, scoring my brain with their edges, blinding my inner light with their aura.

I was swept away in the moment, which I thought could never possibly end. But of course it did. And the silence that followed left me shattered and alone.

An escape made in earnest
The quiet upkeep of missing links
An upheaval of something good
To relinquish all sanity
As cracks begin to race across the surface
Dividing the tension across abstract faces
The sound of a jet engine
And the wind that grows ever warmer
The final rays of light
On this endless, waxing summer
In a chemical solution
Saint Audrey Sep 23
I always wake up feeling tired
Maybe more like exhausted
It's a struggle pulling myself out of bed
Maybe I've got a deficiency
My diet hasn't been great recently, so
It's always a possibility, I guess
I really should go get it checked
I haven't seen a doctor in years
But the lethargy won't let up enough
I feel no motivation
Sometimes, I'll get this ringing in my ears
That'll last for a while
It comes and goes, but
It's starting to freak me out

I tried getting a new haircut
It didn't seem to help
I'm just so tired all the time
dumb
May 12 · 256
Camera Phone
Saint Audrey May 12
This perfect moment
Slipping right on by
Already gone

I couldn't take it
Sorry
It didn't save it


Sorry...
May 12 · 207
Unexpected
Saint Audrey May 12
Daybreak
Sunlight washing over me
The end of senseless tragedy
Letting go of pain

Dry spells and misery
Inflaming all my past regrets
For a while, lived sight unseen
Another mile, on a vacant road

Never thought It'd feel this real
Like I could a life in memory
It's been a while since we parted ways
But all those days still seem clear to me
I know the future is fixed in place
But it never felt that way to me
Ever longing for simplicity
Never feeling real

Secluded out here, In the passing trees
Wreathed in light of gaias halo
Through shadows washing over me
In the calm, quiet calamity

Another fantasy I can't fulfill
Or live up to, as evidenced
Imagination of the heartless soul
I never can forget
Nursing wounds that could never close
Something crawling up my throat
To watch the rain fall inside my head
From my bedroom floor

Don't wait
Why would I lie to you?
As ash peels from the coals
That bittersweet hanging rope
Don't you want to let it go?
Cause it's never getting better than this
There's no going anywhere next
Think of something you love
All things you held close

Daybreak
Sunlight washing over me
The end of senseless tragedy
Letting go of pain
May 8 · 226
Inevitability
Saint Audrey May 8
Concessions since made
As hearts coincide
A flash in the eyes
And it'll end fine

You're not in the wrong
Not sure If I am
But it's never much
We rise with the tides

Everything moves in chaotic motion
The more things stay the same
Sometimes I try
But I never find the right words to say
If we don't see the light tomorrow
If you don't come out the same
I hope you recover
And keep your will to change

I always feel your words glow
If I'm asleep or not, I don't want to know
In losing, I only hope that it starts to show
This structural integrity

I'm still awake
I'm scared to die
Scared of all the little deaths
That come with change
Am I in the wrong?
It was just a mistake
Like everyone makes
Or so they say
Apr 28 · 239
Still awake, for now
Saint Audrey Apr 28
Simple life, lived as a vintage television set
Ornate, one of the few luxuries exclusively for the well off
Useless.
Kitschy
A banal dream with pleasures devoid of an iota of venom
In a construct, a forsaken place, a planet without form
A perfect encapsulation, almost a replica
Of status, a microcosm
Head in the clouds.
Soul in the blood and bone
Desperate, claimed slowly by unrepentant chunks of flesh
I see the breeze on the horizon, sweeping through the fields

So I
Wake up

I never expected. It's not something I asked for.
But I rise all the same.
Once more, one more story to add to the pile

And as it turns out, I found the cure
Deep within the growths sprouting, and the sick smell
To rise once more
In the conclusion of it, I was an island to myself, but I felt at peace.
As my boots strike the sand, and my heart sinks a little lower
The pinch doesn't feel quite as real.

I could take some dedication to the facts that remain, as a claimant
Vigor worn to a shaggy pulp, my lungs crumble in a wave of synthetic dust
The scorn faced, the harsh lights shone on me, the blistering heat...
Unforgivable, as any reasonable man might conclude
I absolve no one of anything, but it all slips further from my mind, day in and day out
If I want it too or not.

To be so sure I'm awake...
How crazy am I?
The whole world breathes, exhales, in a layer of grey smoke, that soon condenses into clouds to shade me personally in my inaccessible fantasy.

The whole world's slipping further into those muted, docile gray shades.
A whole symphony of colors for these starved eyes
So hollow now...
Along barren halls, I'll run my fingers, across the faces of dead, rotted saints and take my gratification
In simple motions, drinking in the vibrancy, all the intricacy bleeding through the mock notions of simplicity

It didn't feel real then. I remember it all, in vivid detail
In those few moments, though branched and snaking through the tunnels of my fleshy wiring
I didn't feel anything.

The pinch doesn't feel real anymore
I can touch the sides of the sink.
My fingers, with gentle pressure applied, can sink into my skin
It only seems to matter when I touch it...

I stopped bothering doing it, a long time ago
It slipped from my memory
Apr 25 · 251
Isolation
Saint Audrey Apr 25
So integral, this feeling
I can't make myself ignore it

The waves seep chill from off the wind
My thoughts, caught up in the current

I found the beauty in the lake
If only for a moment.

I ignored it for so long
But it's mine, just for a second

The calming wind over the lake
Caught in the skin of this horrid face

Scared and truly alone.

If I could only drift away...
Apr 25 · 283
The latest diaspora
Saint Audrey Apr 25
Though I see well enough
Lucidity escapes me
Left withering and splintering
In the face of change
In spite of the ending
Something writhes inside of me
A solitary heave
Railing against eternity

But I still cling
To the bits of shade

Every death is unique
As detailed as a fingerprint
I'm still not sure how to communicate
This intrusive thought, it never goes away

Please...
I need is to die knowing
That it wasn't all for nothing
That I gave this life for something

Maybe I've been too detached
Maybe I've been contradicting
Falling fast from what I'm needing
In hopes of finding something real

So outside the mind, enhanced
I see visions of my self
Inside my skull I sit and wait, pondering
If I'm even alive, as eternity
Stretches out before me, but
Nothing scratches that itch
Waiting for a fabrication to take me in
In the days to come...

I'll still cling
To the bits of shade
Apr 23 · 194
Dolls
Saint Audrey Apr 23
We are what we are
I am what I am

Nothing but a replica
Of imagined will
For all this effort
Scrapes don't fade
On porcelain skin
Apr 22 · 480
Suddenly
Saint Audrey Apr 22
I changed my mind
I know I never cared enough
The weight inside
Never seems to let up

Suddenly, I can't find the words to say
I can feel the rhythm of your heart beat in my hands
When I'm alone

Another road
When did I lose myself again?
There's no control
Once the rot sets in

Suddenly, everything I understand
All the seconds in my head just ticking away
Never mattered at all
Mar 24 · 151
Tomorrow is a new day...
Saint Audrey Mar 24
I'm feeling harmony, looking in your eyes
I always feel alright, when I'm with you
It's this sense of empathy I can't feel otherwise
I always feel alright when we're together

Emotional currency creating dependence
Once dissonant tones start weaving together on repeated listens
Love and joy, the heartache and pain
Harp on these notes till they all bleed together

It'll always be different, don't you
remember how you feel when you're alone?
Suffer from this static human conditioning
Blacking out whenever connections form

Memory doesn't appear to be part of this game
Disharmonious thoughts, that we refuse to explore

In defense of myself, there's nothing I won't explore
Identity flux cauldron, mixture of various inputs
and Impulses I might've felt as a kid or even earlier

That's how it is, but maybe not how it should be
But natural order will sort itself out, so I digress
One thing hardly taken into consideration
Our own aptitude for our self destruction

It's internal loathing, perhaps rightfully deserved
I can feel it too, every second glance in a mirror
Could we still strive for a better end?
Tomorrow is a new day, after all

...

Vanity in sacrifice, adorned in white
Polished posture, so significant it seems
Furrowed brow, heavy with self occupation
Empty vessel, paraded, held in no regard
But the construct of time will tell
Reveal true motivations

Self aggrandizing, should death be your value
Well groomed in your simple wooden box
But inlaid with ivory, paid for with suggestions
Carefully plotted, like paving stones

Considering bitter ends, a new pass time
In some attempt to add a bit of sweetness to the taste

...

I fear I'm deflecting again
You, the brunt of my dissatisfaction
Erroneously placed, if I err, stay with me
Or I might drift away while I sleep
Mar 17 · 173
Soap
Saint Audrey Mar 17
I think it's safe to assume
I will change, but it won't be soon
Maybe once I know what I want to say

You're one tough act that I don't want to follow
Watching you run towards tomorrow
Leaves me wishing that I could have today

You always talk fast, I'm trying to wade through
I can't unpack your constant deluge
Give me a second, let me concentrate

I don't understand the your phantom pressures
I can't figure out how you communicate
Or find the source of your endless grace

There's no such thing as true evil
Across all cultures and creeds, evil exists
All relegated to human existence
It's a byproduct of our own physicality
There's a million neurons firing constantly
Fueling immeasurable transfers of information
Constantly, across the whole of the race
Across the face of the planet
It's just one massive web of ideas
We're all afraid of death, its terrifying
We hate the idea that we won't exist
And our group instinct drives us together
Empathy binds us like that, and we feel a false sense that
We're moral beings, because we treat others with respect
But we're only looking out for ourselves
And we can quickly kid ourselves
Systemic evil is just everyone tricking themselves in a million different ways
All tricks coming in different directions
And when tragedy strikes, we all like to look at the end result
We all point at the ******, ugly end and say
That's evil
And then we try and scapegoat, look for easy solutions
But really, we're all culpable
Saint Audrey Mar 7
It never takes much
I wonder what I could possibly do to impress her
She's plucking gold threads in the air
Bits of string she finds hanging all around her
When she's flying like that
When she's hanging like that
Even her feet trace above my head

When she's human
I feel sick
Because I feel lucky

You know those wraps on her wrists
She keeps them bound up for a reason
She needs the memory, but it's not for me

She's not like me
So distinctive, in all the ways she knows
In all the lines she's memorized
And in that saccharine emulsion
Still seeping from her
I hate the taste of it

Gently floating on the breeze
Walking across lilies
I wonder what I could possibly do
To impress her.
Mar 6 · 131
Rip
Saint Audrey Mar 6
Rip
Stay true to your mind
Inner calm, inner calm
Inner...
...
Buckling under pressure
Stay true to yourself
A few minutes
All these questions
Could've...
Thought...
About...
That...
Before...

Stop­.

...

Inner calm
Breathe

It's cold
It's too ******* cold
Help
Help
It's getting worse
Help.

What's that?
I think it's the door
I focus on that little worming, niggling voice
Burning
In the back of my throat

There's no point.
Help.
HELP
Mar 6 · 368
Sim Card
Saint Audrey Mar 6
You caught me off guard, could you let me get my story straight
It's difficult to comprehend a ****** word you say
If you walk away this time, well, this is probably it
But I can't find a single reason for you to stay

Give me a second, let me get my thoughts right
You got me this time, feels like my tongue is in a vice
I try and say as much, but can't explain
So I try and fail to wear sympathetic face

That look you're giving, It's obvious you're not amused
I Suppress the urge to ***** out another thin excuse
You turn tail, stirring panic up inside of me
But despite everything, I just up and watch you leave
Saint Audrey Mar 5
There's something wrong, hanging in the air
Tastes sweet, and fetid, we feel it on the wind
In the dying heat, seeping through the screen
And it catches your attention

You don't seem to notice that I follow you outside
Watch you worm your way past the trees
I hesitate, for a second, something in my throat
you start to run, as you gain distance, my chest feels tight

You disappear inside. Through the open door
A trail of residue, marking your every step
I feel it on each rung, in my apprehension
I'm overcome with dread

And in that sordid loft, I find you in the shade
I feel my throat convulse and I collapse

Mind scattered, sickness takes its way, I'm trying to hold
Myself together, I can't think straight
Appalled beyond remnants of my faith

Intrinsic repulsion, at every sickened sound you make
Pity rends at my soul, as I watch as you rise
Against the shadow, I can see your eyes
As you start to see me, in a different light

So finding myself alone, i clung to your affidavit
I guess you got me in your own way, in a misguided attempt at reconciliation
You locked me out of my own heart, out of my mind
And swore up and down that you'd done nothing of the sort

I can no longer find the will of better self
A promise that I could relate the truths I found
Feb 19 · 210
Shaky
Saint Audrey Feb 19
Reveling in
Simple things
Loved before they're gone

Playing down
Entropy
For the moment
We should let it go

Aware of
All the things
Thing's I can't control

In finding
Evidence
Of another
Brighter type of dawn

Out here
Past the point
Never quite alone

Resonate
In bitter sweet
Little moments
In the undertow

Aware of
All the things
Thing's I can't control

In finding
Evidence
Of another
Brighter type of dawn
Feb 14 · 395
For a split second
Saint Audrey Feb 14
It's in obscure recollection
I wonder if it's falsified
Hesitant about the path I can't abandon now
Finding new ways to survive

Bathed in the rays of the sun
Fraught with uncertainty
I wasn't prepared for the atmosphere
Losing my chance to speak

I never had a key
It fell in place
Though I still sleep
I hold to grace
Hoping to recover what's around me

I guess It's still on me
I don't feel the same
Lost in this sleep
I hold to grace
With the colors all around me

But your words
They always bleed through

I'm aware
You think the ways I do

And your words
They always ring true

And your words
They'll always bleed through
Jan 24 · 248
A Brief Recollection
Saint Audrey Jan 24
Off the edge
We took from another life
Seeing Your
face is a cold reprise

Thinning down
collapsed against the wall
Our shared sense
Of being lost again

We only run
Once there's nowhere left to hide
Jan 11 · 147
Litany
Saint Audrey Jan 11
Broken security, better left to fend for
Single motives
I didn't care, or maybe couldn't
Prolonging my litany

Bad ideas, and all encompassed
Condensed in soil
All that weight that had at one time escaped me
Rooted in
Bound limb, still barely shaking in the wind

Rushing in, though silent
In the darkness, remained for the time being
For a while after
It remained unseen, and I never let it break
Unless I were to lose more in the crest
Than in the gentle erosion

Wistful despite my destitute
Predetermination
As the hallowed ground, ebbing between the night air
Saturated in amenity
Became all it could be

Should it have a will of its own
Saturated in its bleak acceptance
Breathing in the cold satisfaction

As slow and listless as the realization that
Dawned across the shallow boughs
In the fragile shadows stretching across the
Few stragglers
Ill content to let the ground below
Starved fields
Go unrepentant, for even the time being
And slowly, I look up
See the world stretching on
It's not for
The wait
For the post-mortem
So selflessly fed that disconnect
Stop calling me pretentious mom! You just don't understand my self expression!
Jan 10 · 824
Nobody tells me anything
Saint Audrey Jan 10
Vanity, a flippant curse of heart and mind
Conjoined as one, feeble as the end produced
The whole mass aches and shivers
What I tell myself, and what I know as truth
Are two separate things entirely

Humility, an apparition of soul and spirit
Unity at the cost of knowledge and it's pursuit
My thoughts elapse, and it all slips further
What I told myself before, in this exchange is forgotten
And I'm something else entirely

Morality, in arbitration, I ground myself clear
Wrought against the will of better self
Tooth and nail ground against my gaunt spine
All the words said before, robbed of meaning
In the context I find them, am I something else?

Are you a part of me?
Why can't I hear you
Deep inside these walls
Aimless, seizing
Are you through with me?
I cannot hear you
Can't feel your echo
Only creeping residue
Dec 2018 · 198
In Absence Of Change
Saint Audrey Dec 2018
Glanced at my hands
And told me where I'd been
Something she said
I hadn't gone that far

Fell short again
Woke up in the back
With the sun setting

I will see you
Again, some day
It's not hopeless
It's something to reclaim

Living in our
Past mistakes that
Willfully, we recreate
Will end no better
Watching as this
Fade away
I'd be remiss not to say
I'll see you after

Through the smoke
We keep regressing
Though I
Let it go
I still hope
I'll see you after
Dec 2018 · 1.1k
Graveyard Sun
Saint Audrey Dec 2018
hollow summer tomb, could be worse
Waiting in your dark, this single world
Keeps wasting away, I keep taking notes
on truth that I find, in stories you tell

Everything I fear, I see in you
A poor disguise of choice, over wicked truth
You're here for a while, I hope for the worst
For all the other times, you still get through

Cryptic walking
In the daylight
A feeling familiar
Lost as it is
Right now
for now


Something brushes
past my shoulder
Seething restless but
We're not scared
For now

Circled round the moon, now sentient
Curses lived in full, souls born to rend
My best attempt, braced for the worst
I know we'll find our ourselves. Again

Lost inside the aftermath
Finalize our disarray
Starting down another path
Of cold decay

bought ourselves a little more
Could've done with clarity
Sunlight outside the tomb
For the time remains

But what I fear I see in you
This unnerving wicked truth
Why you're wrong I'll never say
I hope for the worst
Dec 2018 · 237
Tainted Snowfall
Saint Audrey Dec 2018
Chill seeps from the river
Current rushing over me
Barren tree, standing
Branches listless in the wind

All i could count on
In the howling of wolves

Pull these roots from shore
Wrap me in, this cold embrace
In the cold, I'll become one
With withering frost,
It seeps into my veins
Across my eyelids
The crystals formed
From my extremities
Ice
Dec 2018 · 179
Understudy
Saint Audrey Dec 2018
Did you
figure out how to feel
I've bled
Into all the colors here

Destined
To somehow die alone
I still
Don't understand the throne

Reverence
The summit's height
To capture
Finally fading light

It's all over
Before its begun
It's all over

Wonder why I can't give a ****
Something in the air's got me ******
I don't know, I just woke up
What can I say?
Nov 2018 · 131
Sunset Vibes
Saint Audrey Nov 2018
I can't see the bright side
Why'd you look me in the eyes
This time

But let's
Go
Out or something
Lately
I've been feeling
Like its Sunday

So let's
Head
Down to the lake house
Lately
I've been feeling
Like its Sunday
All the time
Nov 2018 · 138
It's all over.
Saint Audrey Nov 2018
Break apart another thing
Another ****** part of me
I still won't be taking anything from you

Exacting prices of my needs
I don't need a ****** thing
I won't be taking any more from you

Find the center of desire, til it all turns south
the bitterness still carried, clinging to your mouth
Another open flame, crumbling to dust
Leave me choking on the ashes, final remnants of this trust

When it all goes down
Will you still be right here waiting
For another chance
At this final undertaking
Down
It falls
Nov 2018 · 259
Barely
Saint Audrey Nov 2018
Dignified
A generic question
You're all right
Stop this misdirection

So defined
Now that the past is over
The simplest mistakes
About to ******* over

Nothing's real
What's the strength of reason
You aren't real
There's nothing left to ground you

So ill defined in your heinous head start
Ill fitting precedence, tear me apart
Providence save me, i need your autonomy
I need your everything, what will you save for me

Take what is mine, a good enough start
Betting it all on this myopic part
I don't need your foresight
Don't need your "told you so"
All I can hope for
In this, just my clarity
Nov 2018 · 202
Same
Saint Audrey Nov 2018
I can't seem to understand
What could be done to soothe this ache
Ripped from a broken rib cage
Measure up all my mistakes

Coloring the glass
Staining all my liquor red
Leave me buried in the past
Spent every last second

Draining the last drops
Strained through broken teeth
Working for the sound of
Something that's worth healing

Finally myself if
Only for the moment
My truth is that I'm lost
In this current, vacant motion

How'd I lose my way
Nov 2018 · 131
A Thief In the Night
Saint Audrey Nov 2018
Conflicting me
How you can't sleep
Despite the way
I hold the shape of you

In restless dreams
Should we be
Together now
Or is it overdue?

It's hopeless, true
Somehow we find
Despite our luck
The tables refuse to move

To sever us
From the past mistakes
We might've made

But time is falling again
And we're falling along side
The sun is burning again
For the first time, in a long time

We're better off
Can't you see
Our lights are dead and gone

Without the light of the world
We can take to the sea

And without a trace, we'll disappear
Beyond the tallest waves
That separate
And in the night

Maybe you'll be complete
Oct 2018 · 156
T w i s t e d
Saint Audrey Oct 2018
Hidden in sight, just another shadow waiting
Past the light, hanging on the wall, stagnating
Watching, loathing, holding on so tight
Chest constricting, as the night goes on

T o n i g h t

Steeling glances, repeat my selfish motives
Mantra's bloated, overtaking every motion
Sway in time, as the light begins to waver
So inspired
to make this mine

T o n i g h t

In this reality
Things are seldom what they seem
Your lights are fading
Soon you will see what I can see

You will see the whole of me

Can't you empathize with me?
Take another moment, of your mediocrity
As I envy your stagnation
Bloated mess of everything I
Have ever
wanted

T o n i g h t

You're wrong

You are so ******* wrong

In the mirror
Thing's are seldom what they seem
Your poor morality
Leads into a fever dream

The light's been wavering
Won't be long before I'm free
The sun is setting
In the night I will be

Everything

T o n i g h t
Oct 2018 · 170
These things happen.
Saint Audrey Oct 2018
Who carries enough weight already
Shoulders taught, bowing backs under
The extent that is already carried
Strength born from what was torn asunder

That the burden we all place
From misguided necessity
Would hardly disrupt their pace
Sheltered from all uncertainty

A true hero, to save us from ourselves
To walk their fragile line, keeping us afloat
Lest we drown somehow, in our own murk
Shifting, grounding

Shouting out our names
From somewhere behind us
Furthering our doubt
While always reassuring
Keeping us in place
Granting us our freedom
To ignore what we came from
Picking up our broken remnants

Engorging always
To feed a toxic ego
Reaching out ahead
Affixing our alluring
Goal, so we would miss
How it's come to be
What we would achieve
If given half a chance

I guess we'd be indignant
Should we shoulder burdens
Similar in scope
To struggle with the truth

Internalize the world
How it is, not how we'd like it to be
Or how it's been perceived for us
Oct 2018 · 1.2k
Under the Crystal Waves
Saint Audrey Oct 2018
Rusted iron bar
Rough against my wrist
Trapping all the moonlight
Under crystal waves

****** mason jars
Menial joyless tryst
Draining all the starlight
Through crystal waves

Far as you are far
Listless in your way
Searching in your headlights
Flooding in my head

Rustic open scar
The grit all washed away
Deep beneath the moonlight
In crystal waves

I just can't no longer see
Without your rapidly deteriorating interest interest
What's killing me

Causality
Couldn't care less
It's killing me

Whatever life spared to see
Couldn't care less
Oct 2018 · 110
Right again
Saint Audrey Oct 2018
A secret undiscovered
What was that thing you mentioned?
Keep changing stories round til
We run out of happy endings
Maybe I was mistaken
Is that a risk worth taking?

If I don't fall apart
Could I catch the bits of falling star
If I replay the words you said
Could I somehow make this right again?

Or do we fall apart?
Memories go bad before they're gone
Just how we live this life
Nothing.
Never.
It isn't right.

Saying no one's to blame
I bet that's easy for you to say
You say you're not to blame
Isn't that easy for you
To
Say.

And in the morning light I
Woke up with your reflection
A picture perfect doll that
Sparks the best, my recollection
Igniting passions left so
**** unattended

So quick to move ahead
We might've left it wrong again
Is there anything that we could save?
As we dig another shallow grave

And then we fall apart
Memories turn bad, and then are gone
Burning fragmented lives
Turn on each other, out of spite

And you say no one's to blame
I bet that's easy for you to say
Sep 2018 · 173
Gummy Bears And Ice Tea
Saint Audrey Sep 2018
chasing shades across the borderline
Living shadows leave me misaligned
Shaking hands, release compounded ideas
Violent dreams

Slipping farther from an open mind
Blue and broken, for end of time
Parting ways, never could decide
Just how it should be

Counted down all the time i spent
Reuniting with my arguments
Running lists of all types, worthlessness
Not that hard to see
Sep 2018 · 253
Sunday
Saint Audrey Sep 2018
Could you stay the same
For just one more day

Could you stay
The same
For
Just
One more day

Do you feel that weight?
Starting to shake
Distant thunder begins to roar

I exist through sleepless nights
And the chances
As the first few drops start falling down

Pleasure and pain
Human traits
Vying for attention in the back of lucid nightmares

Everyone is the same, after all

Could you stay the same
For
One
More
Day
Saint Audrey Sep 2018
Everything will fade away
Eventually
But I'll still be staying here
In my crumbling dream

Nothing for this ache
Ironically
Bright against the light of day
The centerpiece

For the first time, in a long time
For the very first time...

Vacate every side in space
Ironically
One last chance that we could take
Anarchy

Moth writhing in the flames
Never meant to be
Drawn up to the ledge I found
waking soulless sleep

For the first time, in a long time
Maybe for the the last time...

Take a deep breath
Sort out your answers
Take off the mask
Look through your own eyes, again
Take a deep breath
Brace for impact
Aug 2018 · 946
Oddity
Saint Audrey Aug 2018
Intensity
A single word, all that comes to mind
Propensity
For thought, or setting things aside

All the glowing neon signs
And everything that I try so desperately to convey
I just can't find the right words

It's got to have rain
No doubt
And light as well, so long as it's gray
Or neon red, with hues of blue
As long as its night
Or something tangible in white
Something representing past days

Ages ago, but familiar feeling as well
Ages, only years maybe
As long as its different

Some otherwise abandoned alleyway
Shipping bay turned rave
Abandoned shopping malls
Frozen over lakes

Minimalist design
Clean, and insulated against
Nature

The heart of the woodlands
Something like a cabin where
The lines between the outside and
Not are too disjointed to
Make a distinction

Maybe half the magic comes from
The inability to capture outside of
The occasional photograph that strikes
up some match
A spark or something
I don't know for sure
But if I capture it maybe
I don't have to feel it any more
I'm not sure if I'd be any
Happier
Or just worse off.
Aug 2018 · 211
Don't take hot showers
Saint Audrey Aug 2018
It's still not ok
But then again, when has it ever been

Keep on screaming "its ****** up"
Take back your words, but you'll never take back enough
I've got a feeling over time
You'll stumble over what you didn't want to find

Keep throwing bricks against the stone
Chipping away, until you wear it down to bone
And you've broken everything away
I'm leaving you to rubble, burying your turn of phrase

And keep on screaming "its ****** up"
Save the world, but It will never be safe enough
And all your pity is in vein
Tripping over syllables, you never planned to say

It's not ok
But when has it ever been

It's still not ok
But I'm guessing that's the way it will stay

So keep on pouring out your guts
Slick as the ropes that I never thought I'd cut
And break yourself against the stone
Amid the bricks, you'll quickly find yourself alone

Not sure what to say
Not looking so happy now
Never a bad day
Still not ok
It's still not ok
Aug 2018 · 494
Saturday
Saint Audrey Aug 2018
Another sunbeam, lost along the way
Remembering, long gone summer days
When the world was calmer
Everything sounded clear
But now your words keep falling
Ever further from my ears

Another sunbeam, lost along the way
lost to the elements, that pull like tidal waves
eroding further
Now the chaos reigns
Lost amid its shadow
Til its slowly pulled away

Do you think you'll look back at this moment in the same way
Since its not so disimilar
Since it sparked that particular memory

No
Jul 2018 · 177
Blackened wings
Saint Audrey Jul 2018
One:
My eventide, prime of life held dear
Perfect token, held in such high regard by myself
Human nature, aligned itself
Beside myself, looking through the lenses of my own craftsmanship
So perfect, so perfectly aligned

Two:
Spider web cracks, for half a moment held in their complete pattern
So entirely unique
And then the next
I snapped
Earth, brazen in its physicality, held in the cracks between concrete
Shards, broken to bits below my hammering
Raking claws of bone, stronger than iron
Muscles tensing so, constricted as I still felt the earth break
My chest equally constricted, feeling the pressure of
A new form, taking root
Crawling through, my true self waxing

Three:

And my blackened wings burned in the naked sun

Standing on feet unfamiliar, but mine in their entirety
Clawed
Burning bone, and the steam rising from my corpse
As I clawed
Rising to reveal
My wingspan, bone, brittle
Decorated with the ash
Jul 2018 · 4.3k
Shelter
Saint Audrey Jul 2018
Tipping point reached, one final breath
Let the waves of inertia crash, contaminate

....

Alone in complexity, machinery, and everything
Perfectly formed human being
Slowly turning sour by the minute

Stale air, only growing in its bitter taste as
Seconds that feel like hours, add to feel like years
All the plans i made
All the plans i planned to make
Gone, but not forgotten

But then they were gone
Truer statement never read then
What i read on the back of the final bit found
Within my reach
Filtered through a layer of sediment
settled over my vision
Sanitized as life had been

But my shelter having been breached
To seep much longer...

Too accustomed, but it doesn't help

Found lacking in the company I had hoped to keep

A poor atonement, sinking further

Or, it kept rising

I was nearly covered.

.....

They stepped a little closer
And left appalled by what they found
Rotting in the dark, silently

Defensive at the outset, shaking at the sound
Sounding incomplete

Face down this
Eventual ending
For me
Jul 2018 · 24.3k
Friday
Saint Audrey Jul 2018
Casualty: my interest fading
Once waxing moon now seen waning
And I did concede your irksome warning
And watched as the rest played out

So let bygones be gone, fallen out by the side
Of this road, worn down, still restless, keeping straight
Eyes glinting off token little bits of hospitality
Mother nature being so inclined at times

The stress so unnerving, I hardly doubt it
But tension is eased once it comes to acceptance
And I accept in full, finding time to unwind
Winding stretch of lonely road, dotted here and there by
An occasional landmark
Or a lonely tractor pulling behind it
Iron bars, old and rusted
Found in their hold
Bales of hay or
A small little pond
With a bench beside it
Holding initials carved against the grain

With a heart surrounding

As mine beats slower

At last, the sun begins going down

And the moon grows brighter
Even in its state
And my feet move faster
Though my body is withering
I feel this separation growing
As my mind takes flight and leaves me

Behind, in the twisting twilight
And alone, I walk along
Jul 2018 · 214
My love life is a catch 22
Saint Audrey Jul 2018
Monsoon morning glow, glinting off another dying ditch
Littering, barely twitching instrument of compact destruction.

Noticeably different, near juxtaposed against the back light.
Noticeably strained, a coming age relegated to natural composition

It's hard to hold, memory, fragile fleeting
Slipped from its hold so easily, another piece shattering as it falls.

Repetition breeding more empathy than I can continually malign.
Forceful premonitions, until the choice to deny is taken from me.
All my thoughts, premeditated, actions, all deliberate
The illusion of choice shattered before me, as I take up my ill gotten arms.

Bolster myself with courage I no longer deserve.

And I get scared about just having to wake up sometimes.
Dumb
Jul 2018 · 321
Excuse for not reading more
Saint Audrey Jul 2018
And I did feel the hands of flightless nights
The gentle pull of fear, mixed into the very heart of bravado
The slightest brush of something wholesome to be found
In a mixture of perverse excitement.

To be found and lost at the same time, the most delicate balance to strike.

Genuine emotion, and the feeling of finding some camaraderie
A shared connection to be found within the binding of togetherness
All for a common intent
An extended hand, reaching out every member

At the peak of deprivation, I've only felt empty
Yet It encompasses completely, immersive like a dream
I comply wholeheartedly
For a poor and bitter end, no doubt
But an airing of my personal grievance, I can't imagine a worse outcome

Segregate, more than human kind all brought together
The kind of closed off system that one can only find in narratives
Completion of which results in a stark understanding that
Time passes
Jun 2018 · 1.8k
Latency
Saint Audrey Jun 2018
Stake claim, enslave
Falling behind
A wake so odd
Cosmic, wretched truth
Will all compose
With repetition
Til all devolves

Equally wrong choices, with dire stakes
Options weighed, time again

Derived presets, and presupposition
Derivative motion,  placed on this clean slate
And left for a lifetime
Of horrid substitutions
Jun 2018 · 1.9k
Thursday
Saint Audrey Jun 2018
A blinding
Hopeless inclination towards a blending of nostalgia
And something just a twinge surreal.
Too enraptured, perhaps, or too locked inside the senses
The search takes me places, to small shards that I don't quite comprehend.
Still unsure why, if I can't, or I just don't want to.

It's old and familiar
Soaking in solitude, rife with memory.
Touched lightly by the hem of rose tint, blooming in the spreading flames.
As the old wooden paneling, tried as a tinderbox
Begins to peel away, affected by the heat.
A fire, awakening with the first rays of morning.
To warm up the little room, as the walls softly fall, turning to ashes.
Revealing the bare frame.
And the fauna outside begins to show itself
Sprinkled with dew, gently coaxing away the flames.
Rooted too close, it would seem
As they progress, slowly wither under ash

But for now, I still crawl through creation.
Hopeless, I'll never recapture...
Ignoring new context, engulfed in this fruitless rapture
With the past still dancing through my head.
May 2018 · 344
Autonomy
Saint Audrey May 2018
I held in vain
The hope that you'd change
And stop making me feel
Like I'm doing something wrong

In future, will, tended to how it ends, etched into the slate
Ground straight through our skin from birth, what we choose to replicate
Pointless as a new endeavor, still, another sick debate
Debased all sense of decency, enough to incriminate

Hopeless days
Keep passing by
Complete and vacant
Yet I still try

Arguably, far too jaded for this measure of reality
Wrested from our nestled coffins, directly into sleep
Fleeting things, though labeled clearly, time will never tell
Entrancing, some formality, a sliver of repetition is

But I stayed
The same
For all this time
In the hopes
You'd see me off

Still, crawling to the overture, slight against the weak
Long, death still operates, each future growing bleak
Shrouded heart of all uncertainty, for myths, voluminous  
Captive, my apotheosis, in a metric of release

At the end
I still respect
The autonomy, I can see you smile
So go ahead
I won't keep you waiting
Mood
May 2018 · 221
Good lord
Saint Audrey May 2018
I sought out just what I've become

Numb to trepidation, apposed to emotions
I choke on sensations, opening to oceans
Of blood soaked remnants I can't fathom
Begin to comprehend, or otherwise justify
To myself

And It's square on my shoulders

If I like it or not

Sating my lust for life, finding out how
To revel in spite, in spite of myself, honestly
Grating, the thoughts that haunt me through
Sleepless hours and all the mindless rambling I do
To myself

I wanted to change, and I did

I did change

Bought at the current rate
Life condensed to a price
I wanted everyone to pay
Besides me. Never me

I thought it free, until someone came around with
The promise that they'd take it all away

Breaking ground, like the words I said
What I say in my day to day
Breaking ground, foray into something
I'd call a grave mistake

Try to justify it, screaming at the sky
Trying hard to hide what I swear I left behind
Blame it on society. A scapegoat that never falters
Hurdles that I prayed would change, and yet
They never falter
So, I blame it on you, and then you blame it on me

I blame it on myself

...

I blame myself.

What it always comes down to

And I turned into what I had always planned to turn into
Go figure.
Apr 2018 · 280
I'm not very good at this
Saint Audrey Apr 2018
Classic trepidation, stationary with the aura of
Coincidence, slit myself and call it skyward thinking
Sinking feelings that argue for a sudden resignation
Conscientiousness, leprous and typesetting

Intimate knowledge that I disclose verbatim cannot, and should not, ever be used against me.
Interest infected through wavelengths, non responsive partly cause of the rupturing that's been running through my dreams.
Scant as fixes to the problems, overblown and oft forgotten, lisping when I speak of this Epiphany.
Taxidermist furnish houses, howling wolves that get devoured, sounds like God and hell and them finally worked out peace.

Just cosmetic, slightly pathetic the ease at which the mind elapses
Classics retconned till nothing's left except the years of influence
Invested in the melancholy, snobs lobbyist and in distant memories
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