keep me awake
i keep falling asleep

i keep forgetting 
that i have
fearfully crawled
into places filled
to the brim with
heartbeats and
suffocating heat
just to find myself
with dry palms
and a soft jaw
minutes later

i hold my tongue
only to cut it off
when i hate
the feeling of it
inside my mouth
and leave it for
him to hold
all pink and slimy
and frantic and cruel
and wonder
why it’s hard for him
to read my poetry

and every night
i lie my head
against the chest
of indifference
and swear that
i can hear the
lazy thump of
his affection
resting shallowly
below thin ribs

i am kept awake
through the
loneliness hours
considering
my own
self-inflicted
wounds
instead of dressing
the deep cut
we both share

and so it goes
another morning in bed
and another night looking in the mirror
wondering if
i'm a start or an end
or
if love is one big game
and i was never told
how to play
just sold the pieces
and scolded
for not putting it together myself
but maybe
this beer will tell me
how to build
a heart
from the pieces i was handed
and this **** cycle
will break
and i'll go to a place
where love is not of ****
and trust is a fact
and not a prelude
where i'm not
spending my nights
drinking
and writing
of dead ends
and dead dreams
that still cling to me
and really
in the grand end
i just want to be loved

My heart is torn
Between logic and beating
So I start overthinking
When I start overfeeling

Why do I break everything I touch?
It's almost as if my fingers are razor blades  

But that's not even the worst part.
The worst part is the words that come out of my mouth
After my heart feels like it's been torn into shreds by your blades.

And baby even that, that's not even the worst part.
The worst part is I cant even tell
If my thoughts are real
If my feelings are rational

Baby please help me because sometimes I get lost in my own mind

Theres demons that live up there and they take over sometimes.

It's hard for me to know,
To tell the difference

Between a feeling that deserves to be felt
And a feeling that shouldn't really be there.

I've spent the better part of my life being told that what I feel isnt real.

I've spent the last 4 years questioning myself,
And quite frankly my whole life.

Desperately trying to figure out
Whether I deserve to feel this way

Or somehow I've asked for this.

Did I create this darkness myself?

Does my mind somehow convince me that everything and everyone
In this world
Is only going to hurt me?

Is it my fault if it does?

I wish I had the wisdom
And the rational

Between reality
And insanity

Baby please believe me when I tell you

"I didnt ask to be this way ! I want a way out I want an escape. I don't want to feel this way tonight, tomorrow, or ever again!"

I've tried to explain
Theres no quick fix to this.

Theres trauma.
There's questions unanswered.
Memories blocked out to help
Avoid the pain.

But a person can only handle this constant
"I hate you."
"I love you."
"Don't leave me."

For so long
Before they ***** too.

Have I weighed you down too
With this awful demon.
While trying to fight off my own?

If I can identify the problems with
the actions that I take, and the moves that I make
mere seconds after flapping my lips, or
twisting my lips, then

why do I do what I do?
I don't know.
If you're asking whether I think
it's a good thing, or
a bad thing. . .


How long   is it before
"just what I do"    delivers
you to prison walls from paradise?
How far   is too far, to
let my personality drag my brain around?

If I'm self aware, I'm on the borderline.
Control me, will you, my rampant ways?
I have you centered in my sights better
than I ever have, and it's now I think to tell
myself, Action must yield choices more
than Piety or Wantonness. As a for instance,
if I see myself clearly, can I drop the gun
as long as I develop disclosure and transparency?

I'm ******* you, I already know my answer's yes.
From my experience, honesty invites
the utter end of communion,
and from this, you inherit an abject loneliness.

Worthless dumb baby trapped in a clueless adults skin.
Too loud, too emotional, too needy, too lost.
Self destructive but never self reliant.
I'm a leech to the people I love.
I can't function without their aid,
I can't live without their validation.

The feelings I express with never be reciprocated to how my brain desires.
Normal people do not burst and burn when feeling something.
They don't ache for companionship.
They don't regress for love.  

My body is covered in 1,000 marks where I took it out on myself for simply feeling.
Too overwhelmed by the sensations in my body and brain.
Too overly stimulated to function.

I cry when the tone of someone's voice doesn't make sense in my head.
I feel sick when people are not how I want them perceived.

My world is black and white.
All I know is love and hate.
A false sense of security and a stand-still fear.
Infatuation and obsession.
Boredom and demotivation.
If I'm not feeling like I'm about to explode what's the point in feeling at all.

Neutrality and a 'happy medium' only make me feel unsafe, empty and numbed, I'm never satisfied.
To feel so strongly is a blessing and a curse.
When it works its perfect.
When it fails it's fatal.

Attempts of my life over and over again at the fear of never being accepted or loved.
That someone will leave when you give them all your trust.
That someone will hurt you for simply opening up.

I know I'm a lot to handle, too much at times.
Like a newborn child I need looking after continuously.
Attention and affection 24/7 around the clock.
I'd hate to be close to me, I hate being me.

Intelligent and eloquent but my emotional permanence is zero.
I don't know how to function, I don't know how to be human.
They say it's my quirks, they say its unique.
How expressive I am is what people like about me...
Only when its suitable for them,
where they have something to gain.
Not when i'm crying at 4am, screaming at midday, rambling spiel for hours on end.

I'm exhausted of me and I wish everyone else was too.
I wouldn't take a single thought of not ending my life if I was truly alone.
I've tried to push everyone away but I missed the feeling of being in love.

No matter what state I'm never happy and I fear I never will be.
I wish I had no emotions, I wish I was nothing.

She was hungry, peaked and breathless
“I’m starving”
Words meant to manipulate
I capitulate
“How big is the salami?”
“Roll it up with cream cheese, have you ever
Had it like that?”
I go to the kitchen
And carefully, lovingly roll the soft, silky cheese
Into slices of bologna.  
This was not salami.  
“What the **** is this?  This is not salami.”
“I’m sorry, baby.  I didn’t realize it until...”
“*******, you’re ******.  Get out of my face.
Now two pieces
Of bologna have gone to waste”.
I look over gently, “I’m sorry”.
She says “shut up, don’t touch me, how could you?” with venom
I was guilty of not knowing my lunch meats
And wasting the precious cheeses within them.

i always associated the colour scarlett with a brightness.
the love of valentines day or the blush filling one's cheeks on a chilly saturday.
scarlett meant life to me,
and i never thought it'd represent opposite.

scarlett was love.

scarlett was a heart shaped box of chocolates,
the sparkle of fireworks,
a can of cranberry sauce on thanksgiving day.

scarlett was optimism.

scarlett was a thank you card,
a bright balloon at a birthday celebration,
or the painted lips of a woman on a first date.

scarlett was never meant to be pain.

scarlett wasn't meant to be a sharp bracelet of numbness,
a sleeve of anger that melted into the floor,
or the cold emptiness that accompanied silver.

scarlett wasn never meant to be anger.

scarlett wasn't meant to be the screaming i hear in my head at night,
the holes in the door,
or the deep stain of aggression falling against my knuckles.

the first syllable seems to fit too well nowadays.

Dream
Wait
Meet
Trust
Hold
Love
Hide
Lie
Fight
Escape
Sleep
Sadne­ss
Grow
Return

Unholy slash on the hip.
Upper leg.
Close to the sensitive areas.

No one would look there.

Ahaha..
I love seeing..
            seeing..
             seeing..
              seeing..
               seeing..
                seeing..
                 seeing...
                          seeing..
                   seeing..
                                    seeing.. seeing.. seeing.. seeing..

The red

      F
           L
      
          O
        
            W
                                        F
                                              L
                                                     O
                                                                 W
F
   L
             O
         W

          
D                                       D
O                                       O
W                                      W
N                                       N
.                                         .
.                                         .
.                                         .


IT Is So CAlMIng.

   S
     o
                    g e n t l e . . .

But..


   M a y b e
    I  c o u l d . . .

                 D o   i t  a g a i n . . .


juST a LiTTlE
                        biT

                                                              HaRdER.


harder. harder. harder. harder.
  harder.                       harder.
    harder.                  harder.
       harder.           harder.
          harder.     harder.
             harder. harder.
                   har der.

I ruined her.
I just-
                           I brought the discord.
                           It was me.

I don't want your Sertraline.

                             I don't want
your
                                                      fake
                     listening.


I can feel when
someone
    doesn't even

             want to
                     listen.

                         I feel
                            too much.

I fear to feel now.


              The fans have stopped working.

          
Overheat.
Overflow.

Attend to my wounds.. Lydia.
I want you to heal me.
I deserve death tonight.

Please..
Find me a way to watch
the crimson
run down me

with no punishments
no consequences
no outsider concerns
no social norms.

It feels..
    feels.
    feels
     feels
          feels
                        feels
         feels
      feels
     feels
    feels
    feels

                    W O N D E R F U L.
W O N D E R F U L.
                W O N D E R F U L.
     W O N D E R F U L.
                                                      W O N D E R F U L.
                                                               W O N D E R F U L.
                                           W O N D E R F U L.
          
                                    W O N D E R F U L.
                          W O N D E R F U L.
                                                        W O N D E R F U L.