Grief is not a feeling, but a force.
Like a boulder, I am confident in my place on Earth.
But after many setting suns, I start to feel the weight of time
under thousands of feet of
There's a push, and a pull
and I go falling.
A fragment of a fragment,
I tumble somewhere unfamiliar-
and it takes eons to reconnect to something bigger
than my pieces.
Brew tragedy tea
and drink without
Keep checking the meaning of
in case it's been redefined
in less absolute terms.
Shiver through the heatwave and watch
the colour bleed out of the summer.
Dig a hole that won't be deep enough.
Shower off the crazy sweat and grave dirt
and pretend like maybe
you'll do the dishes.
Rupture your inner workings
as you scream at the universe
for fucking up so badly.
Lapse into the cold, sterile embrace
of catatonia, grateful
to feel nothing for a while.
Cry so long and so hard you forget
why you're crying,
then remember and cry
longer and harder.
Try brokering a deal with fate's
Appeals Department: offer
your organs, your eyesight,
however many years off your life,
to get him back.
Search for meaning and find none.
Rage against the perversity of it all.
Howl that death shouldn't feel derivative.
Remind yourself that this
isn't just a sick joke.
Hate Elisabeth Kübler-Ross for being right
and yourself for being so generically human.
Realise how little
Reacquaint yourself with anhedonia.
Try not to hate the blue sky
or the birds who have returned
to sing in his back garden.
You do not call to me as
I thought you would
You do not call
I am not Heathcliff at the window
or in the moor's damp chill
Outside my thoughts that wail like a witness to a murder is a bludgeoned silence
the silence of ashes that
had been a fire yesterday
Extinguished! Everything that
burned is lifeless and my soul
is charred and cannot whisper
O but I had whispered to you in those days when you stood on the edge
sweet things I said to pull you back
and then God sweeter things to make you
and now I say nothing because
there is nothing
and you do not call to me
I can't look at glossy things
The Sun is the purest star
The Sun is blazing
Dazing and Gazing upon the lack of man
Oh, how I love the lack of man
I am a kaleidoscope, ever-changing
My mood goes from blue to red, blue to red
I flicker constantly among the only constant
Dazing and Fazing upon the lack of man,
Oh, how I miss the abundance of man
Music pours across the room,
Vibrating off the walls
I have a caged body, I long for something great, to make my life
a poetry book across wild and mild pages
Will this ever be?
When my kaleidoscope changes and flickers with each drop of rain
The black dog running after me,
I am half happiness, half a slope
Don't let it break your heart/Let it break your heart.
Giving up is the hardest part.
that was a hard goodbye...
you grabbed my hand so tight
exactly like the first time
i cried about your cancer
cancer is a bad word
revolving around a cynical industry
& plagued with fear and loss
.. i hate that word
you made that word beautiful somehow
you made that word whimper
with the light from your
nicotine stained smile
you made cancer your bitch
you told me not be dismal because
"I"ll be here tomorrow"
you told me not to cry because
"We have things to get done"
i still have things to get done
and so do you
i loathe that you aren't here to do them
We spent Friday nights together,
and lately they haven't been amazing, no,
but god, do I miss your breathing next to me,
your soft skin, the sun spots on your face,
illuminated by the lights outside your place.
The silhouette of your sleep.
It always got me to close my eyes.
I miss it bad on nights like these when I can't do just that.
Our nights had become later, jaded by quarrels of the day,
I wanted so badly to be kissed by you in ourdarkness
held close and reminded of my worth
but we were both too tired too oblige
too angry to see that what we needed more than anything was each other
not the parties, weed and drinks,
not the glow of our cellphones or the flash of our new clothes.
I cry more often lately,
than I have in long long time.
Back to my old ways, I suppose.
Mourning the loss of what was good.
I miss what we could have been always
but only were for a few nights at a time.
I forget the sting to lament what felt right.
I turn my wet pillows over and keep trying to sleep.
I don't think you'll ever know how much I weep.
Why couldn't we?
Unwind within me.
I knotted you up,
Crudely looped and tore at you,
Yet your strands were too strong,
Those ropes that bit into my flesh
Bound my wrists, held my legs.
I knotted you up
Into a bundle I could hold
Look at and investigate
Gain comfort from keeping you in my sights.
Better than not knowing your devious work
Not knowing which parts of my life
You were immobilizing.
I know you now,
I can see where you begin,
That frayed end,
Yet in the midst of the knots
I can’t find your resolution.
As I try to unwind you
Work this pain through
It is like trying to feed thread
through the eye of a needle.
These knots have become a hindrance
Trying to feed you through my mouth
Onto a page,
and now holding you has gained it’s own kind of pain
like I may never be rid of you.
I pray, unwind within me
Flee from me for I have had my fill,
Yet I know you won’t
For it was I who knotted you up,
So I must sit here and ceremoniously,
Ritually, unbind you.
I hear bullets piercing through the dry wind and then I remember my mission: to free those hopeless spirits who have sinned.
I fought for survival, hiding in the grass like a deceiving snake;
Slithering, swivelling, searching;
Searching for someone to lead me to my treacherous fate.
I am imploding with hurt, sorrow, suffering-
That I have contained for too long. Then a bullet fires
straight into my heart.
I loved you all those years
You raised me, shaped me, taught me how to be a soldier.
You were my guide, mother, forced me to overcome my fears.
I feel that fire burning inside of me now.
That fire that united me and you-
Only to be put out by the cruel water of my mission.
You were a patriot;
Gave up your body, life for your motherland. That anguish, ordeal
Still endures in my heart.
And it will be trapped there forever
Until I rest in a bath of worms and mud.
Betrayed by those who feared your beauty. They may known you as a dirty criminal...
But I knew you as a patriot,
Who saved the world.