i do not want to remember you
as you are right now -
all sticks and stones
and broken bones,
a rough sketch of a person,
shaky lines as if the artist
was having a panic attack in the corner of a coffee shop.
tears fall onto the page and blur the lines
so i do not know where you stop
and the medicated beat of your heart begins.
you were a work of art,
a statue carved out of marble,
the universe took its time creating you
long hair like princess
but the strength of a warrior.
but as you lay in your bed,
diseases erasing you so aggressively
they tore a hole right through the page
and we cannot color you in as fast
as you are fading.
you are fragile,
a paper doll
turned into a sympathy card
i'm sorry for your loss.
Digging after some small perfect diamond
To place into a hand that never fondled one before
Nor could even hold one now,
It’s corporeal being burned away in grieving,
I reach for my pen
I cannot find it with my vision pulsing so in liquid sorrow.
It is mislaid among the clutter
That booby traps my days and roils my mind in darkened hours
i want a drought.
i want the rain to stop hitting the roof like incessant knocks of a jehovah's witness
("have you been saved?")
you are unwelcome here.
i want a drought
because i don't think that my veins, running like rivers, my heart, swelling like a cloud about to burst with rain,
can handle one more phone call in the middle of the night,
one more stifled sob in the shower of an empty house.
on the day of my uncle's funeral,
(they called it a 'celebration of life'
but i've never seen a celebration
where there were so many people crying)
i thought that he would show a sign that he was here.
but it rained all day
and the only thing that i could hear over the noise
was his children crying.
a month ago, tucked into a booth at an italian restaurant,
my mom got the call that they were taking her off the ventilator the next morning.
i had never experienced the feeling of the world continuing to spin
until my mom was crying, my dad was praying, and families all around us
ate their pasta and drank their iced tea and laughed
while our family was falling apart.
the next day, it rained and rained
and stephanie passed away, as simple as a plug pulled out from behind a hospital bed, and a hand going cold.
when my friend took me for a drive,
so i could get out of the empty house,
so i could stop feeling like my throat was constantly on the verge of closing,
so close to suffocating, but never there,
the rain hit the windshield
and on any other day, i would've found it calming,
but it was mocking me.
today, your body lays in your bed, your arms so stick-thin that i don't think i will ever forget the shape of your bones,
your hands are too cold for your mother to hold any longer,
and your heart finally gave in,
and it is raining.
in little intervals,
like just when i think i am out of tears,
they come again,
sure as the setting sun,
hidden behind gray clouds.
rain, rain, go away.
let me breathe.
let me grieve,
let my eyes dry,
and let me go.
A trumpet blares
Throughout the night
Its sound, a nature call
Its tone is bright and vibrant
And it calls to one and all
It speaks not of the death and loss
We all must one day face
But of the life and joy we feel
When in our rightful place
Yes, sounds may laugh
And sounds may cry
And trumpets do their best
To play a melancholy tune
When one is laid to rest
I'm standing here,
My limbs are shaking,
I can hear my teeth rattling like the sound of a plastic Halloween skeleton blowing in the night air.
Speaking of, the wind is crisp,
It sends a message of ice down my spine.
It dances it's way into my lungs,
I'm breathing it in like cigarette smoke on an early morning.
My insides are slowly working like churning of thickened ice cream ,
And when I look at you it feels like the sudden drop of a bowling ball that has soon to land on a wooden floor in an empty room.
My eyes have leaked but the sprig is now frozen to my cheeks. My skin tingling with each crumpled movement of my face, slight sounds of my dried tears cracking is like the stepping on of thin frost on dewy grass.
I am cold but I will stand here.
My body is cold but your memory keeps me warm,
you're worth it,
I will stand in this cemetery if it means I can share some more moments with you.
The confusion collapses around me
A torrent of emotion barreling though members of the crowd
But it only takes a second
Now everything is clear
All I ever wanted was to be cut free
Is that as shallow as it seems?
In my heart
No one will mourn
For what could of been
You'll never know it
But i fought for you
I worked this breif day away
I sutured the pain
I sewed my mouth
And threw my soul
All of this
To gain or regain
Now no one knows
And yet they care
Or i know they would've
Had they seen me
As this here, or, my world
Is pulled undone and beams of light
Pierce the darkness and my eyes
I've yet so much to do
He lived a long life of 95 years
telling me stories had been music to my ears,
Life experiences of plenty he was never without a story for me.
Life without parents at such a young age
became a truly honorable man in times of pain he raised his sister
as brother/father figure to a degree of course he always protected Junie,
Never letting it destroy who he is or
his name he held his head up proudly!
A Handsome like a stud for back in those times,
He is a stealth lady killer for sure and Grandma won his heart and owned it and still does from heaven above which my friends is where you find Real Love.
Married for over 50 years they celebrated year after year
still making each other hearts warm and full.
He is the Best Man I knoW
I watched him and listened as I wanted to taste his wisdom,
And I had longed deeply to know more of who he is and what he lived! Because that is where my dad whom was my grandpa but father to me.
Robert C. Brown
a Navy Seal and War Vet as well
Flying Aircraft and maybe even one or two kills.
He is an amazing man who deserves to be acknowledged
if you know what I mean because not only was he honorable
he was the best Dill Pickle maker anyone has taste or seen!
Always did want him to go big and sell in the markets but Dad
is a humble man who did it for the fun and love of his family and Friends!
For us it was a treat and we all looked forward to eat,
That certain time of year was Ever so Sweet!
Waking up from a sleepover at Grandma and Grandpas house ~
Exciting for sure knowing we will awaken to dads famous so light & fluffy
Scrambled eggs~buttered toast~Jam with french as well !
Choices of hot syrup served and more than that too!!
Yes Waking up at our Grandparents in the mornings were a time for chatter and
being playful with Gma and Gpa at the breakfast table and us taking it all in that special gentle kindness they always did extend.
So Tall and stellar
truly like the old diner/navy cut style,
this man was quite Incredible that people may stop and stare
but Gpa waves his hands and says " Oh Phewy!" blushing a bit.
Survived Throat Cancer thrice ah yes"
he is a fighter won many times but his voice was got light and raspy a smidge louder
than a whisper which would frustrate him with gatherings on holiday times,
So I sat close near listening with an avid ear ; Taking minutes to look into his piercing blue eyes to see that smile time after time again.
Trying to absorb yet another smell of him a hug to feel his sweetness
Love a kiss to tell him how great he is ;
To feel the scruff of his growing back in beard against my cheek
Reminding him of how much I value him & his presence his love.
Always make sure to say Hello if you walk in the door don't waste a single moment!
Since everyone did know not to ignore him or you'd get a pop in the nose!!
Well he would chuckle and grin with sweet humor across his face
that is when Dad was the cutest in all times,
A joke to tell and a smile to give that is how dad chose to live!
whom I Adore
you will be missed
forever until my days end,
I will never forget you dad, My best friend.
Such an Honorable intelligent man watching you
helped me to pick out a Great man too as a husband.
I became extra picky because of seeing you and hearing you speak
watching you be the man you only knew to be and Jesus in your heart!
This too is amazing I say so what I want you to know is I love you still each and every single passing day,month and years until there is no more so thank you for being
thanks for leading me til the end. Lvuxoxome