My fish is dying
So is my grandmother
The scales on my fish are falling off
I have had him for so long
I forgot his name
I don’t like to feed my fish
Or go near his tank at all
His tail is torn
I can’t look at it
He is in a lot of pain
(My fish died
I am not sure how to dispose of the body
He was in a lot of pain
I cried by his tank
His scales were falling off)
We are hurt
We are not brave
Its a dessert with lot of feeling that keep us away from finding home.
Its a place with no exit .
Where I lost what I work for and my effort is vanished as the rain of sand at midnight.
Im a good person but theres evil that kills my fun and all that remain is nothing.
No way back to normality, what is this sensation in my heart when I think about it.
It penetrates so deeply that the emptiness feels alone too.
As the sky is full of stars but with no air.
Life whats this?
Might I be somewhere else and I'm attached to the idea of this eternally.
Let me go where I have to be now.
Where my questions become notes and my answers psychodelic music that trembles my soul and finally I might go.
I am afraid that the next thing I give
Will be the last thing I had left.
I don’t exactly have an inventory.
I haven’t checked in recently
To see how my stocks are doing.
I put my money on the wind
And the howling wolves
And the impossible way that two people’s bodies
Fit together sometimes.
I am afraid that I do not have enough left
That is just me,
That came from something that I am.
I worry that every time I open my eyes and ears
I breathe in other peoples’ lives
And other peoples’ stories
And now when I let something out
My stories and theirs get jumbled
Like the air in our dead end lungs.
And every kiss I give to you
Is a thousand words
That I can no longer say
And every wink is a painting that I won’t finish.
Every word I give to you
Is another that I can’t have for myself.
I don’t want to be selfish
I want to be able to give it away,
But I have seen too many women that I loved
Give themselves to people
Who collected all of their kisses and words in greedy fists
And never gave anything back.
I want to keep the unloveable,
Untamable, inimitable part of me
Close and secret.
So that when you break my heart
I won’t have to limp away
Missing a leg,
Missing an exit strategy,
Trying to fill the hole
There is a feeling inside my heart that’s hard to explain
It’s a hole, a void… An empty void
That makes its presence felt strongly.
Having nothing can hurt sometimes
In fact it hurts all the time
It’s the feeling you can’t avoid
Something you can’t escape.
Where will you escape to?
The alternative is the feeling of failure, guilt, hurt, a sadness you can’t explain,
But a sadness you constantly feel.
Sometimes you put pen to paper and say it out
Other times your mind freezes and your heart refuses
You forget how to feel anything
But the emptiness stays
Silently screaming to be filled.
You ask how
It says figure out
The cycle is exhausting
So you quietly close your eyes
Hoping to escape from it all for a while
Tomorrow is another day
And it might rain.
there's a lot of questions
regarding my heart
that remained unanswered.
is it made of fragile glass
or strong diamond?
is it fixable?
and drilling screws in
or we just glue it all back together?
what colour is my heart?
definitely not white.
is it red?
or merely grey?
is it beating
or maybe sound i've been hearing
were the marching parade
to respect the death of my heart?
is it broken
or it was never complete?
but then if it's broken, how can it still beat?
sit down beside me for a while
even if it hurts
there are packs of stray dogs in my mother's smile
nothing's gonna hurt my father's fists
darkness comes with soft paws and no affection after sex
they so weren't their bodies
that I had to not lose sight of the corpse of morning
I caught my eyes simply falling
waiting for the birds of prey
to tell their truth in our cage
what does it mean, you know, to have a soul
sit down beside me for a while
in this impossibly empty room
our flesh needs words
Emptiness is created by the idea of something missing.
But what if it is merely a failed realization of fullness?
I am already alive, living, crying, laughing, experiencing
Even though you are not here.
Pieces of my soul
Pieced together in memory
Starlight in a Black Hole
Of what never again shall be
A floating fading glow
Darkened room image clear
Now seeing IS believing
Desperate attempt at keeping
The fleeting specter in view
A faded dream of a
Once upon a dream come true
--Daniel Irwin Tucker