don't know how it'll feel
to see your face once again
it's been so long and so hard
not sure how to pull through

you gave me this life
and it hasn't gone well
but things are looking up and maybe, just maybe
this is the right thing to do

even though it may not seem
in the haze of this fucked up dream
that i haven't thought of you every day
and all the words i want to say

i'm sorry i lost myself
and through that, i lost you
worry kills relationships you know
but hope will pull us through

i love you and
i know we'll be
ok

I came in naive and unassuming
My life in bags and eyeballs gleaming.
Sun poured through window grills,
flushing the room in a rich gold fill;
And that's all it took for me to embrace
this 10 square feet of snuggle space.

But the room grew generous beyond its capacity,
accommodating all flavours of friends and familiarity;
And I learnt things here about my own disposition,
such as my lack of appetite for solitude & isolation.

The mirror saw me through my worst,
While the cupboard held my secrets closed;
And the glowing stars have, many a times,
watched me through nightmare cries.

The balcony made me believe in magic
Over sunset chai or a Midnight cigarette.
It mothered my plants despite my carelessness
And fostered friendships with unknown faces.
It showed me colours I'd never seen
of the cinematic sky and my own self-esteem.

And now that the moment to leave has arrived
A chunk of my heart aches to stay behind
for there's so much more these walls need to hear
and so many more nights that I want to spend here;
Between these sheets stained with love and Chefkraft sauces,
Between those stand-up specials and alternate sex poses.
Between ukulele evenings and fried egg mornings,
Between gusts of wind that stole all our cloth pins.

Between Oscar nominee films that I slept through
Between 4am phone calls and the sound of that flute.
Between washing dishes and power cut storms,
Between tangerine showers and hugs so long;
Between gin & tonic and the dance of bare feet;
Between folding clothes and deciding what to eat.

Between conversations that ended at dawn
Between agarbatti smells and deliveries from Amazon.
Between making plans for imaginary tomorrows;
Between the creases of unironed shirts I borrowed.  
Between food care packages and the smell of mutton curry.
Between the echoes of kisses and forgotten worries.

Five hundred days of three zero two
Flew often too fast, often too slow
Enough at times, to fill a book or a century
And sometimes too ephemeral to last that fickle memory.

Get me out of here,
I don't want it to be through.
I feel it choking the life out of me slowly.
One day it's gonna get me alone.
One day the night will never end.
That sun will never find my eyes.
Mocking me, burying my hope in the dirt.
All I needed was the most impossible.
Some things are better left in my head,
but I can't wait another day
as I pretend I'm okay with living a lie.
How can this smile come out
when there's nothing left inside?

How am I still here?
How am I still standing at all?
This is a sick game,
I want you to get me out of here.
The light is getting darker and darker
and soon enough I'll be in pitch black.

I'm sick of feeling this way,
every single day
is another declaration of defeat.
Is this how it is?
Another case of the winners and the losers,
is there no hope for the ones less fortunate?
Picking my battles never got me anywhere,
it only ever continued this inferiority.

Hell has a room waiting,
it's forever waiting for me.
It knows, it knows,
everyone knows that I'll fail.
This is another wasted day.

Pull it tight, don't fight,
let your weight choke it all out.
Lose sight, don't you fight,
let you take yourself out,
out of the picture.

Get me away, get me out.
I know my biggest enemy
has always been myself.
These walks have been
leading me up
to the hole in the ground.
It's only a matter of time.
I cannot escape.

Whatever one places their attention on will come to them
Therefore I say to focus on life and you shall have it
The mind can see one aspect at any given moment

The given moment can be populated with only one thought or intention
That which is NOW can only have one inhabitant, purpose, and meaning
That which is NOW is all which is

There can be no separation or distance between one time and another, just what exists here
The past is populated with dead images which cannot persist
Only with our attention can they come forth

So it is attention, I tell you, which must be controlled
Not by the swift hand but by the idle fisherman
Who allows his thoughts to drift from cloud to cloud

Not placing any importance on the meaning of one from the next
Or the worries of the day
Or what he has caught
Or what rests in his basket

But only that he may rest

And if someone should upset his rest he will continue
For he is a law unto himself
And his demeanor is based on his determination
And his determination his demeanor

The man who understands this
Will never worry
For worry is the source of worry
And a never-ending cycle of desperation

The man who seeks to avoid this
Should forget it exists

Because to those who forget
It does not.

A weeping heart
Mended by the realization
That to be open is to be free
And to be free is to be infinite

Cry not but turn to that
Which is above emotion, or mind
The VARDAN is the totality
And all comes from one source

All is truth
All is love
Do not believe the lie of negativity
Break the illusion and see
Your chains are your own doing

Your freedom is your determination
Seek HURAY and all will be revealed
IT is above all, above time and cares not
But expresses the deepest sympathies

For the Soul that is misguided
From her own Kingdom
To claim the right hand side of the Father
One must step beyond religion

And stare truth with one eye from afar
Close, effervescent and obliquely
Ever looking aside and forward
A dancing dervish in mind, power, body, spirit

To unify yourself
Realize what you are
You are above the body, but still an inhabitant

Rejoice for your vessel is as it should be
Seek now beyond and use it as an anchor

Feet on Earth and Soul with God

Gold thread like silk, or the wool of a golden lamb
The rumble and baa of a sheep's humble cry
Morning rises as the shepherd walks
Leading the flock to still, idyllic waters
As they drink they sip in peace
The VARDAN current, all but many
Satisfied by the river flow
Still but moving, reaching all

Unfortunately
I've lost my mind
Somewhere between the hours of
Four thirty
And nine
Or maybe it escaped
When I was at rest
Simply packed its bags
And left
In its place it left you
To haunt me all day
So please green eyes
Just go away