Sometimes waking up hurts
Try sleeping all week
I slept a whole year once
Didn't get much done
Try Ten years
and staying up
and then doing something
I get more done
get up in the
Within us, is a voice
that no one ever heard off.
A sound wanted to go out
Yet its forbidden
and not allowed
For we are always ask don't
Don't speak your mind.
It's what they always say
now you're silent
and you cant be
someone you are destined to become
Still we continued to be silent
For we are afraid,
Scared of what it can do
that's what on our mind
The little voice inside us
only wanted to be heard
Now we want it to drown
into the abyss of nothingness
and stay in that void
for we are afraid of what others think.
Not knowing its potential
it stayed there
stuck with all the other noises
Noises that always rendered
and deemed it as useless
Those noises kept you chained with
the guilt of voicing it out.
Dragging you further down.
Creativity and all of your
cant come out for its locked up
for you are SILENT
and always afraid of what others think,
always waits for the approval of others.
Now you kept it all in
You will never learn to fly
because you wrapped your VOICE
with fear and guilt.
Save me, please
Drowning from this black sea
Monster clawing inside of me
Dominating my being
Pulling me in his realm
Void of light
Black in sight
There's nothing right
Where they lurk in the shadows
Disguised as mellow
Be scared when they bellow
Their voices billow
How am I supposed to stay?
I can't even make my way
Up where I'm safe
Up where I'm saved
Will you save me?
Please, I believe in Thee
I know you'll hear me
I'm pleading you
Save me, please
Holá, "I never really feel a thing, I'm just kinda too frozen"
Only you, "you were the only one that ever came close."
Loving you is the best... "And another
Day goes by, So hold
Me tight or don't. Oh no, this isn't how our story
Took too many hits off this memory,
I need to come down."
Gonna love you forever and
Tight no matter what!
"Oh na na na na na na na...."
"Realized I can't not be with you Or be just your friend."
Down to be with you and
Only you! You're the love of my life
"Na na na na," I'm never coming down from
I'm so stressed out.
It feels like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders
It makes me want to shout
When life throws nothing in my direction but boulders.
Time is passing too fast
I feel like i barely have enough time to breathe
I wanna make every precious moment last
but everything that happens makes my insides seethe
I used to look at the world and wonder how people managed to not forgive. How they could bear the burden of questioning and guilt and grudge and "maybe it wasn't them, it was me". How could they cling so desperately to that anger, it becomes part of them. It dominates most parts. It takes over.
I used to watch all the fights and yells and screams that were so spiteful they sounded like an "I hate you" but really, they were just a "please don't leave me". I used to observe how hands flew in the air, wanting to pull away but also needing to hold onto something. How lips turned into a kiss goodbye that looked like a "fuck you" from afar. How features twisted and turned and gave in to the rage or maybe it was the loss. I don't really know.
All I know is that I find myself fighting with bitterness that isn't my own, it's theirs. I find myself yelling out words that mean nothing to me, that break my own heart on their way out, that I could have sworn I once spoke to myself in the mirror. I find myself clawing out my eyes that had seen too much and throwing them at their feet because they don't feel like they're mine anymore.
I wasn't always this angry. I swear I had a heart once. And there's still something there in my chest where it should have been. But it's a bit harsher, a bit more taunted, colored in black and navy and dark red instead of rainbows and whites and light beiges. I think it might be my soul but that too, looks like the blanket we covered my father's body with. Torn. Filthy. Irrevocably stained. And yeah, maybe it wasn't my soul after all.
It's the thing that reminds me to feel that pain everyday like my own dosage of medicine because if I don't feel the pain then I feel nothing at all and that's not good. That's not normal. But I can't be normal anymore and they don't understand that maybe I had never been and maybe the thing that's cut me open had done a shit job at stitching me back together. And maybe all the wounds are contaminated and the disease is slowly spreading through me and there's no way to stop it. Maybe that's why I get it now.
I get how you don't forgive because you can't. Because you're still having trouble forgiving your own self let alone anyone else. How you yell and kick and push people away because leaving has become another loose thread of your soul that's breaking away. Breaking apart. How you judge because you've always been your worst critic and something is always wrong and if it isn't with someone else then it's with you and you just can't afford having another thing being wrong with you. So maybe that burden of grudge isn't as heavy as your heart. Maybe that tear of goodbye is better done by your own shaky hands than theirs. Maybe you were never meant to forgive, only fault. Maybe you should have stopped wondering about the world because now you can't even solve the mystery of your being. You can't make sense of your own self, how did you expect to make sense of the world?
God, you’ve spilled a cup of lies,
For my heart has found you
Hiding in a closet next door.
God, I want you to be mine,
And me to be yours but you’re
Hiding in that closet next door.
God, you’re not alone,
You’ve found yourself a lover
And a follower—though only
If you’re ready to come out
Of that closet next door.
God, you’re pure,
You’re everything I want.
From under your blonde unkempt hair
Peek hazel brown eyes shining
Like sunlight on polished stone,
Though I can’t tell you which shirt to wear
When you’re locked in that closet next door.
God, why can’t you come down?
Is anything too difficult for the Lord?
Riots of color shine after fierce storms,
So let your colors shine God—come down
And tread the sweet grounds of my heart.
God, if you’re afraid that the woman
Who kissed you goodnight would never
Kiss you again, then I say the softness of her lips
Could have been nothing but a
Luscious dream in the stormy night.
God, if you’re afraid that the man
Who taught you how to ride a bike would never
Get to teaching you how to ride a car, then I say
The joy you saw in his face came
From a hollow heart.
God, if you’re afraid of god,
Then I say God fear god not,
Because I have found God
Not in the skies—but in a boy
Hiding in a closet next door.
God, you said it,
Life is love! Love is life only!
You won’t be lone in that closet anymore
But lone in my heart, be human, get out of that
Closet next door and kiss me hard
Like a human never did before.