Recently “minutes” or recently “hours”?
Recently, minutes were reasonably ours.
Like how I “recently” saw him at the grocery store,
And “recently” went back, hoping I might again.

Sure, we spoke…
Recently.

So I logged on, recently,
Just to see what’s up.
That’s how it always is,
And the status is always the same:
“Recently”

built up my walls
to avoid this
reinforced them with metal
lined up the windows with wood
bolted the doors
Swore on my life that I wouldn't let anyone through
but I missed a hole in the corner
and a little mouse snuck in somehow;  undetected
but I let it roam as it pleased
It wouldn't harm me?

little did I know he was a devil in disguise

it all just hits me sometimes, the weight of a million bricks all coming down
one by one
and then by groups
then huge chunks, until i can't breathe anymore

i'm sorry i couldn't be better for you
for everyone
i'm sorry for the burden i've become

i'll get better one day, i promise

the piercing screams of insults
ones that became engraved in your subconscious
just to be written in the back of your heart with a knife
another scar to add to your extensive list

run

like a plane crashing to the floor, millions of pieces breaking off in the air
similarly to how she always manages to fall apart in the most volatile way
each level of insanity leading to another part of my body becoming a target
she always manages to find another target

run

the wrath consuming me
years of pent up frustration, i eventually become my own worst enemy
all because of what? someone else's words? some insane person's actions?
but i can't control it, i can't help it, i can't do anything but think of the worst

run

in my fantasy, i'm soaring through the night sky
while a multitude of lights are shining beneath me
knowing my end, knowing my impending doom
but in that moment, i know she can't hurt me anymore - so i win

you can't run anymore. the run is over.

i knew deep down that the person in the picture wasn't really you
but in my fantasy you were everything i had ever wanted

but oh how i miss being held in your arms
in distressful times such as these, i find myself wanting to run to you

to feel your embrace
to feel your presence
to have the warmth of your cheeks pressed against my mine
when you ran your hand through my hair, reassuring me
that everything would be okay in the end
but it wasn't.

i quickly remind myself who you really were in the end
the disappointment still consumes me

as the years have gone by, i have learned that innocence is a virtue
it should be valued and not so easily thrown away
i wish i kept my innocence longer

being tossed around by men
like an object, pulled and tugged by them while their hands were all over me
has affected me in ways i can't even explain

although some of them did have genuine intentions,
it's the sole fact that i have been intimate with so many
any act of romance is now meaningless to me