the piercing screams of insults ones that became engraved in your subconscious just to be written in the back of your heart with a knife another scar to add to your extensive list
like a plane crashing to the floor, millions of pieces breaking off in the air similarly to how she always manages to fall apart in the most volatile way each level of insanity leading to another part of my body becoming a target she always manages to find another target
the wrath consuming me years of pent up frustration, i eventually become my own worst enemy all because of what? someone else's words? some insane person's actions? but i can't control it, i can't help it, i can't do anything but think of the worst
in my fantasy, i'm soaring through the night sky while a multitude of lights are shining beneath me knowing my end, knowing my impending doom but in that moment, i know she can't hurt me anymore - so i win
i knew deep down that the person in the picture wasn't really you but in my fantasy you were everything i had ever wanted
but oh how i miss being held in your arms in distressful times such as these, i find myself wanting to run to you
to feel your embrace to feel your presence to have the warmth of your cheeks pressed against my mine when you ran your hand through my hair, reassuring me that everything would be okay in the end but it wasn't.
i quickly remind myself who you really were in the end the disappointment still consumes me
do you still think about me? does your heart still ask about me the way mine asks about you? i wonder if any of our moments together ever cross your mind. or if you even cared to lose me. maybe you moved on, maybe you're with someone else by now. who knows.
the immaturity is what mainly drove me away but oh my love when you held me in your arms while caressing my face, us embracing our sheer vulnerability, i didn't care about who you were
isn't it odd that i feel more comfortable in a bed with you rather than out on a date, talking like normal people? in those short, intimate moments with you though you seemed sweeter than honey - oh how i was proven otherwise.
stuck in an endless cycle of criticism just to avoid the mere idea of being hurt the idea of letting someone fully into my heart, just to take another piece of it away? it's something my mind and heart cannot fathom yet again
is my judgement something that can be seen as egotistical? funny how i hate myself so much, yet try to hold you to such a high standard but i know love cannot be formed in this manner love isn't about changing someone into what you want but rather about accepting and loving them for who they are
my mind judges the immaturity you have, like any other teenage boy or the way you aren't my ideal person, academically yet i admire the way you talk about your passions or how you kiss me until i feel okay again maybe that's what matters more
maybe you're not my ideal person but you sure as hell make me feel safer than any other ever has
what a journey today was it was as if everything i envisioned became a reality sitting in the passenger seat, watching your ****** expressions as you spoke reminiscent of the times our lips would interlock reminiscent of when my gaze would be fixated on that smile of yours
it must be illegal, to even think of such a thought because you were the one who hurt me most yet today, speaking as if we were best friends felt so comfortable it felt as if time never passed speaking of our distant memories of when we were together as if it was some form of amusement only we could understand
the fact i'm even writing about you feels illegal but i can't help but think about how it felt looking in your eyes today the same pair of eyes i once used to think belonged to the man i loved i was freshly fifteen at the time, but my heart felt so attached to you and the fact that i'm an ice cold stone now, who can't feel anything, surprises me more
or so i think
this year is filled with plenty of surprises. i think the weirdest part of this all is that i suddenly feel so drawn to you again, curious as to what the outcome may be..