Getting out of bed is a feat some days
I just want to sleep some days
To get away. From the noise of the world

The guilt
The expectations
The intrusive memories of pain & blame that whisper loudly through my shame

The painstaking loudness is consuming and immense
It drains me of my lifeforce, my freeness, my subsistence

But I tread through the dark whirling water
I swim opposite the fierce tidal current, trying not to falter
If I let myself sink it will be too difficult to clear the heavy sandpapery water from my lungs

I see the light in brief gasps of red as I tread the voices in my head

Dysfunctional. Defective. Dead. like a battery
But I’m still Living. Operating. Performing.

Performing for most, a glimmer of a smile and a happy anecdote

But not all, not all of the Someones

I found the ones who breathe air into my tired lungs
The ones who offer me refuge on their lifeboats of truth
So that I may rest my weary body when I am too tired and it's too foggy

I heal, I recharge, I feel steady on their barge
Only then do I return to the waters
On my own
Maintaining
Building up
Becoming more resilient with each wave

it is no surprise
that it feels
so suffocating
with a mask held
this firmly in place

I can still taste the toothpaste,
my ears hold a dampness
from the flannel,
my pants give rise
to the airer’s freshness
and I’m yet to lose
the stiffness of my bed -

and yet
I remain hopeful of the day,
that it will weigh heavier,
grow mustier,
yield an aroma
I can relate to.

My heart remembers there is more than this.
It recalls there being something warm and infectious.
When the beat had purpose beyond mere survival.
A throbbing and pulsating that gave power to emotion.

My mind glimpses a past that held joyous moments.
It recalls there being sensation and a fire in my core.
When every dream and hope had shape and form.
A memory made and cherished immune to times' flow.

My body longs for the thrills it once knew when young.
It recalls the dexterity lost through its aches and pains.
When pleasures could be made through another's touch.
A yearning for something that ageing stole in the night.

My soul cries for the sake of heart, mind and body.
It recalls the strength of being someone made whole.
When joy, happiness and love were something real.
A time when life was all and ending was so far away.
Fragments I am become,
heart,
mind,
body,
soul...
Dismembered by life and time.

If time heals all wounds — I have petrified

turned to stone

can't decompose

As the night sky blooms
one by one
I watch the stars -
blossom

The earth is
jealous; I’m sinking in
I belong with
them
      the other hardened things

Dear Death, hand in
hand
you've walked me too long —
now so heavy
rotting pain
solidified

I'll watch
on this sandy dune. The
night lights sparkle
only for me; bloom in their heavenly
beauty

And as the sky is set alight - and our own star rises -
may it shine a
broken body
           Lifeless
                   if not from a warm
                            embrace

My hands
catch on the wind
drift
adding to a new dune
over yonder.
I'll smile, and the earth welcomes me - Home.

I am so tired
it seeps out my eyes
turns my bones to turmoil and grief
weariness wears me like a suit
adorns my movement like chains
dragging my thoughts out by the hours
days weeks
there is no laughter here in the silent room
of my sleepless night
there is only the ghostly glow of the television
its utterance soft-spoken lie
"sleep my friend" it taunts me
"dream as a child would
carefree and filled with smiles"
but my restless eyes wander the cracks
in the ceiling
my weary thoughts grind over the same
same same same things over and over
I am so tired
why can I not sleep

Dark of night surrounds me, pillow below my head.
How long the many hours since I tumbled onto my bed?

Mind so filled with thought that clearly has me stressed.
Racing, scattered thought that just wont let me rest.

Blanket that feels loose and shifts to feel oh so tight,
and so it sets the pattern for this never ending night.

I know that I must sleep before the rise again of the sun,
in a world that cant relent from insistence things must be done.

My body urgent in its craving to be silent and be still,
but my mind just wont give in possessing the stronger will.

A discomfort on my left side, so I roll again to my right.
Countless repetition through the hours of a god forsaken night.

Nothing that I do brings a sense my mind is nearing calm,
I must try to get some sleep before clock sounds its alarm.

So the hours go, too many hours surely for just one night,
but too late now to rest as window reveals dawns early light.