In the search of something more- Several doors I closed Only to be left Locked in a room on my own accord All entrances blocked Telling myself I will escape one day Except I do not accept reality- Destined to be isolated from the world.
When he left me his soul was gone for me and his body was still there. His anger was new his distance was new and his lack of touch too I was so confused. I was pregnant, then a mum. Untouched, the silence dumb. Bereaved, intense loss Husband won't touch me there's only frost. How do I even speak of this? he's doing the chores but there's such an abyss. Two years more and I realise depression brought this demise. Fool, it took me too long to understand what was wrong but this knowledge never did bring back his song. He remained, gone.
Here's me, trying to process and express how isolating and devastating my husband's depression was for me. I didn't know what it was for so long. He never came back to me, and I don't have any more give now. I will focus forward **
You step out into the world and its tendrils seek to entwine. It takes away my hopes and all the dreams I once held as mine.
You are faced with expectations and choices so not of your own. You come to think it not so bad when life is both empty and alone.
It becomes just easier to forget about hope and any form of dream. Responsible to self and away from expectations endless scream.
You close the world outside behind your safeties solid door. And give up on love and dream like clothes discarded on the floor.
You accept a life of little value and so too the feel it will never end. All for reassurance outside consequence wont reach in to offend.
I write of being sad and lonely in many of the poems that I write. But I am conscious, it is I who cast love and hope out into the night.
I know there are many who have come to feel this way. A loss of something that makes trusting the world and others just so difficult to do. Sometimes finding a light at the end of the tunnel doesn't have the appeal others may expect us to have. Controlling the light switch even in darkness offers a level of security that some of us prefer. Your expectations scare us and it is what made us seek darkness as refuge.