Do you remember
in the midst of December
over burnt down wood and ember
reminding you of distant warm memories
of a long gone September

Say, do you recall
the great and foreseen fall
the big curtain call
the end of it all

Did you feel cold
when the life you knew came to a halt
nothing made sense anymore
of what you've been told before

You thought of dying
by your own hands, no denying
til this new found will to live
now there was nothing left to forgive

Takes you back to the roots
proudly walking in those boots
Living off the land
bow in hand

Teaches you anew to be in awe
able to see the beauty of nature once more
shows you its forces and how it can make everything break
how it doesn't need your approval, how it can give and take

And you remember it now
as you saw yourself hanging of this bough
You asked for this
"give me a quiet apocalypse"

I don't know how much more
I can find trust ignoring the lore
That I keep on writing til my fingers are sore

This strange heavy book
with an even stranger look
that a stranger once took

I want to think
that it is full of insightful ink
giving me good reasons to always stay close to the brink

But when my heart grows fonder
today when I catch myself, ponder
my mind only recklessly starts to wonder

And I've been reckless before
my heart and soul given to a false poet who calls me a *****
it tinted my deepest thoughts, it might be blue forevermore

I'm an expert on overthinking
still can't help but drinking
Wonderland's poisons up til I'm shrinking

If I could only say
that on some distant day
I'd learned my lesson not to pray

For you can never know
maybe it's only the gardener, just a poet for show
beware of what he might sow

Maybe I can't tell
right from wrong
life from death
heaviness from emptiness
love from a lie
or your arms from mine

Still I'm sure to see
light inside something dark
matter inside the nothingness
heart inside an empty chest
care from broken hands

And when you say
the void is you
I shake my head
but follow through

Let me tell you what I see
A blackness that is dear to me
And even if you can't help but mind
my trust and care leaving your dark parts behind

I might as well be
A lantern, you see
And when the light catches you
We'll both follow through
One thing I can truthfully tell
it was never just darkness from the moment I fell

for you

I realize that
survival isn't
blowing out all my candles
so someone else can be my light

I cannot describe it
This black substance, holding on to me like a rusted hook
It's all around me when I think of you
It's everywhere I look

I'd wish to be untied
To be forever free
But it seems impossible
I see myself down on one ****** knee

It tugs on me
I feel too weak to stand my ground
I know there's light still
I feel too vigorous to make no sound

I leave it up to you, give you power over me
I let it be
I close my eyes
This you is all I see

Still I won't break
My soul is my own and it is free
You will always lose
For it belongs to only me

I see you proudly entering this room
Vanity your most precious trade
A thirst for eminence, for appreciation
Telling of honorable intentions but the truth follows you like a shade

Ruining strangers bodies like a persistent disease
Laughing at them for speaking true
After cutting their insides with poisonous knives
But you're never really listening, are you?

But remember, no lie lives forever
And I can already see you, see you vanish from all sights
And all your knives blunt-edged,
You, merely an unlovable memory, like a dying sea disappearing with all it's tides.

And we will all turn away
Forget you like you weren't anything but a bad dream
Woeful creature
All this useless self-doubt, nothing but hot steam

And I will remain
With one ****** knee on concrete, still surrounded,
The me will prevail and I will heal, get up and leave,
For I will no longer be wounded.

I'd like to
become see-through
For people to
know who
is hiding underneath
how lungs breathe
how bones shiver
of the stolen liver
throat that has to swallow hard
each broken promise shard
stomach digesting
loneliness from life's endless questing
these veins red and blue
this heart beating true
I wish to be see-through
see-through for you

Without it I'm sure
I look so pure
Til you see me sing the most beautiful song
with blood on my tongue

Can I come a little bit closer?
Like this?
That's okay?
I know I'm such a poser.
Feeling more like a loser.

Is it alright if I say this?
Too much?
Too soon?
Can't believe I already miss
your company when I'm supposed to be in his

Arms, strong enough to hold me
but what if I need softness to be
the strength I'm holding on to; she
gives me something more to see
in darkened eyes great honesty

I'll keep your words with great pride
Show yourself to me, don't hide
Let me stay a bit longer                                                    by your side.

I see them come
I see them go
Hope fails,
and it fails again, so?

What else to do
but to feel content
with every arrival
there's goodness to attend
to an end

An end
that surely leaves you
utterly lonely, maybe sad
and a bit changed too

Probably scary
that's usually how it goes
these things were never simple
you carry a bunch of "if so's"

Just go
just be you
they'll see
everyone did see you
one day they might know who

See, I'll tell you how it is
I don't really need any of this
All this random "he's mine, I'm his"
"There are already a thousand things I miss"

Sure, that's lovely, I admit
but could you slow down for a bit
You don't even know I'm it
And all it makes me think is "he might be full of ****"

I'm being very honest here, sorry
Just don't get why you would worry
about some girl you just met in a hurry
your view seems to be pretty blurry

Sure, everyone likes to hear sweet things
but if it's only that, no substance, the sweetness stings
I'm not sure I want your honey if a bee swarm is what it brings
I'm not your queen bee and here I see no kings

I'm not saying this is bad
This isn't even supposed to sound this mad
Being sweet is actually really rad
But I know how these things go and I'm done ending up being sad

Tell you what I'd be happy to see
Some interest in the actual me
Maybe believable honesty
Cause I ****** hate that I don't even get who you want to be

And he will think of me,
actually
maybe he won't

I want him to
eventually
possibly
I don't

I really shouldn't
probably
needless to say

Get out of my mind
I want you to stay
fearlessly

I'm so tired
terribly
uselessly

I should get some rest
finally
really

Tomorrow will hold more
hopefully
surely

A home is a home is a home
it's a place, it's a haven, it's a heart
my head, a heavy tome
but here, my pages, they easily part

A feeling is a feeling is a feeling
of belonging, of caring, of staying
here, my mind felt ease, I'm simply being
my body speaks tired, here, I'm not afraid of swaying

A lover is a lover is a lover
for I'm well fed, for I'm blanket-covered, for I'm hot-showered,
I'm being shared, my lover and my bed, and I'm undercover,
I do as I please, I'm undaunted or a coward

A house is a house is a house
sometimes old and weary, cold and eerie, sole and leery
it breathes in and out, familiar rhythm, one with my mouth
My home gives me the feeling that there's a lover in the house, here I saw ice being fiery

Who am I to keep you
from taking chances
stealing glances

Believe me when I say
I don't want to slow you down
by no means make you lose your crown

Quite the opposite it's true
I want you to hold this smile
for which I'd walk the extra mile

Simply what I'd love to have
is you to let me stand close to you
and maybe let me hold your hand then too

The only thing that troubles my mind
is not knowing if you want to share
your good life with me and if you think I'm worth the dare

Am I?

Ideas so vivid
of skin that's not timid
Be intimate
Just integrate
Your poetry
into me
and make me see
make me see
All the colors
that I yearn to be
you and me and ecstasy
til it all falls away from me
I sense a feeling of being free
free from empty words
keeping it though it hurts
in a puddle deep inside
where all my silly wishes hide
come to me
come for me
I'll let us be
poetry

In the damp morning streets of my mind
a smell of words so foul
phrases that bind
and forever hidden underneath a dark cowl

Walking neath a hollow sky
a living, breathing, stone-cold vaul
as a lovely darkness constantly spills over my mind's eye
but never reaching thy heart, this empty hall

Words luminous like stars
reflecting on the sea below my feet
my mirrored self gripping onto bars
this is where truth and make-believe meet

I ask the Great Ones to give me the wounds
I ask for those that I deserve
Waited to bleed for many moons
this body is eager and so is every nerve

I cannot live another day
living of the starlit night
hiding my sole purpose away
this fragile human shell, my endless fright

Is this my Anathema?
I feel endlessly accursed
This mind's life is nothing but a phantasma
and it seems nothing can collect what has once been dispersed

Am I not dead yet?
Is this not dying?
I was not hit but still I bled
Why have you taught me how to be death-defying?

Blinded by what is illuminated
I'm always drowing in the space between
a warm light that has faded
and a bright and terrifying fire burning so keen

So just finally set my flesh ablaze
break through this agony, a heart so tame
let this sea of blood erase
and overflow this frame

I ask you
'how have you been? Isn't this your favorite drink?'
but also
'I hope I'm not trying too hard'
I know I probably overthink

You say
'I had a great time with my friends. We had so much fun'
Sending a picture
'how was your weekend?'
Isn't that a strange mixture?

I grasp for something deeper still
Aren't you too?
I can't be the only one here that wants and will
Clearly you want to share as much as I do
So shouldn't you be willing also?

Why claiming, wanting
but then feel distant
Why do I feel like I need to be hunting
for anything resembling something subsistent
I don't want to feel like constantly being insistent

I sell my soul
for a pre-made bed
I give myself whole
for a sleeping spot in your head

I give my blood
for sacrifical purposes
I crawl through mud
til I no longer feel the worthlessness

I shed my fears
and all my dark feathers too
I spill them like tears
They fall of my leafs like new day dew

I pull out all my flowers
and plant them close to you
they will grow and become towers
which can only hold things that are true

And as my demons come for my lungs and liver
my hive heart will send all my bees
so these towers never wither
and this love never leaves

Dear blame
I carried you for so long
How come you still weigh so heavy on my shoulders?
All I ever wanted was to leave it all behind
and all I ever feared was to leave it behind me
So much that I used to know
emptied by the distance in front of me
behind me lies what feels hard to comprehend
and how seeing my reflection now doesn't feel like some kind of lament

Dear self-doubt
did you know I'm not hiding anymore?
I found peace in these walls made out of run-down things
There are roots now and green leaves grow
I think the way I feel is like a once abandoned building
taken back by nature
But not overgrown, no,
just filled with new life where there was only cold concrete before.

Dear father
you'll never know
And I'll surely never have a reason to tell
I hope you're okay
I'm okay without you
the heaviness doesn't weigh on me any longer
and it took some time for me to realize that this is alright
This girl is alright

Dear mother
your pain always hits closest to home
anger was always yours to portrait
I think I gave you enough, I gave it all
and for what it's worth I never dishonored your pride
if dishonoring didn't mean standing up in front of you
I will forever be angry with you
so my conscious heart left a very long time ago
I had to save myself
I apologize and wish you find peace in your own right

Dear me
I'm so proud of you
Do you remember how we used to look outside?
thinking we'd never made it, no chance
It felt like a silly dream
Is it real?
Did we manage to escape it all with merely some scars and bruises?
I think... I did.

Pretty sure
I'm transparent
See-through
Barely anything resembling
something living
Walking in this life
Not really knowing how to strive
My answer's mostly a deep long sigh
Sometimes I'm merely getting by
Dreaming the same silly dreams
as mostly anybody it seems
Writing funny poetry
not really funny, maybe poetry, just writing, you see

But who knows
maybe sharing at least shows
that words might fall short
and some thoughts you won't ever be able to sort
but they can also travel far
and while not everyone's appreciative, some surely are

Please be
more careful with me
Is it okay to say that?
I'm quite uncertain

My teary eyes are sure to
tell me something
about me
Still I'm unsure if
I can trust my own
eyes
the way
I trust you

Certainty
is thruthfully
lying
when I'm not
sure

But I know the reality of
things between you
and me
and the unspoken

And with certainty
I claim
nothing
I certainly can't
claim
you

Make sense of me
Unwind me

       Define me
       Don't decline me

                         See through
                         Make due

          Find me
          Don't bind me

                               Shake me
                               Don't fake for me

               Feel me
               Don't kneel for me

                                   Make sure
                                   Take me pure

         Don't hesitate
         I won't separate

                        

        
         I've come to evolve
                                                                                

                                                                             Don't let me dissolve

Can someone please stop me from pouring,
out, and out
I'm afraid I might be emptied soon from crying out,
loud, so loud

Please let me find some peace of mind,
self, myself
Let me put this thing off, put it on the furthest,
shelf, rusted shelf

I'm so tired, so worn out,
letting, always letting
My veins are bruised from all of it,
fretting, all the fretting

Aren't you fed yet?
from the blood, so much blood
It starts to become one with
the mud, grey thick mud

I'm fed up with your decency,
irony, oh the irony
Full and fat of life's endless travesty
tragedy, it's a tragedy

Let me out of lying honesty,
don't talk to me, don't talk
I'm sick and tired of this car,
I rather walk, I will walk

I'll get somewhere eventually,
probably, mh, surely
Or maybe I'll get hit by one again on my way there,
pleasant thought, purely

Today
I hang
I hang myself
I hang myself onto
I hang myself onto the branches
of this old tree
just to go, to flee
of too much probability

Tonight
I shoot
I shoot myself
I shoot myself a picture
I shoot myself a picture of me
in front of my favorite old tree
so I can remember thee
so there can be another me
so in this picture I can also be

Yesterday
I killed
I killed myself
I killed myself in a picture
I killed myself in a picture that shows
another me
in memory
but if she's dead
who's sitting on this chair
a me in disguise
I think I killed myself twice
or how many times?

Humble
I tumble
through a silver lining
eyes peeking out of a blinding
light travels fast
further yet to meet at last
between two sides
of the same mind
bodies lying on many tides
dancing over water to unwind

Today
I heard myself mumble
"I'm waiting for the moon to drop down
crush these stones, flush my sight and make me drown"
then
flesh turns soft pink into shades of light blue
like sunrise
becoming the sea's painted sky, wide and true
I realize
I became one with the tide
birds flying in my sight
I'm their reservoir
everyday they will tell me au revoir

and I'll tenderly embrace
oceans weary face
and make it mine
make it mine

Light
                                                inside
    ­                                                 defies

                                       a love that denies


                                           Flight
                                               height
                                                     petrifies

                                       a promise that lies


                                            Bright
       ­                                         delight
                ­                                      collide

                  ­                     with heartache in sight


                                           Provide
                                                subside
 ­                                                        hide


                                       Another stolen night

Quite tired and worn out
So?
I know there's nothing left to say
Alright.

Yeah, I wasted some time
And?
I understand I can be an easy prey
I'ts not right.

Sure, now I'm bleeding
Worries?
Ah, just a few new hospital bills to pay
Healing on the outside.

You know I might have been mousetrapped
Captured?
Well, some additional scars you may carve
I always put up a fight.

And the thing is, when you realize I got away
Sorry?
You are the one who will starve
I'll be alright.

Why are you so afraid?
Who takes the courage out of us
and leaves empty pages on our doorsteps?

If you'd ask me nicely I gladly lend you my aid
In return just be as good as you allow yourself to be and thus
I promise silently to instead of one I'll make two beds

Inside of these four sides and many scriptless lines
My love's never quite sure how to call itself
I call her by the only name that I know
but know that it's not enough, not quite

If I wouldn't know better I would beg for your trust in these strong-rooted vines
All I want is to let me be me for the sake of myself
And hold closely and in full daylight my beloved stranger, reflected in fresh-fallen snow
For I'd never want to be ashamed of keeping a feeling whole and tight

Please don't ever let me lose my hope in a strangers mind,
it's all I got left in a world full of shallow familiars and quiet pretenders
Don't let me go stray and leave the path less traveled

Let me have
one hand that's tender
that isn't my own
trying hard to hold
on to slippery simplicity

And tell me why
are
you
so
afraid,
heart?

Today autumn arrived
I watched it creep into my room
through an open window

In my bones a familiar feeling thrived
I watched the leafs fall around noon
from the trees below

Coldness came to greet me anew
a comfort of sorts
and I felt so very calm

Warmth came to meet me too
the rooms of one's own turn into charming resorts
candles, tea and a blanket become a weary soul's balm

With it came nostalgia
it slowly made its way under my skin
while colors change the outside

Do you know of this certain cardialgia
your heart is heavy but light but also filled to the brim
while memories of distant winters reach far and wide

Welcome my chilling beloved
my cold season of frozen solid dreams
I was eagerly waiting for your return

For you I ready my coat, already half gloved
I give myself to you by all means
and underneath my halcyon flesh I will quietly yearn

I noticed that my veins are blue
maybe that's the reason why
my insides have no clue
and my hands keep reaching out while I cry

over and over and
over
in an instant
silent
again
already
really?

I think this time I broke a record
how fast can you lose?
All those poems, while may be deep, still seem to fall short
and the right thoughts I easily diffuse
For

an answer
a clear head
a simple feeling
a loveable thread

Yeah, that is maybe
what I want exactly
for you to threaten me
with pure intensity

Where do all those empties come from anway?
Am I so full that I count for two
And only the shallows look my way,
are you one of them, too?

Let me die
in a battle
with sharpened metal
As I put down my weapon of distance
til now a bow has always been my choice of resistance

Or
let me be an animal
tearing flesh from my enemy
with sharpened teeth
the breaking of bones
skin tightens, body crumbles underneath
I'll go back to stick and stones
Bleeding til I'm dry
finally feeling terribly alive
before I end and die

But before
let me run
with wolves across these snowy hills
let me paint in red
in the heat of the midday sun
let me be the whale close to the shore
til the hunters come to get their kills
Bleeding til I'm dry
before I end and die

But until then
let me be courageous
let me be poison and contagious
like a venomous reptile
trying to survive me will be futile
I'll take all those who lay their hands on me
with me into agony
finally understanding the beauty
of life and death
I will show my natural fury
and never again be silent nor deaf
Bleeding til I'm dry
before I end and die

Wild and burning in life's fire
insight will come as my flames grow taller
And I know only in the wilderness
I won't be doomed as a pariah
Only there I can find the truth
and there is none to confess
As I bleed and live another day
far away
from human's self-glorifying mess
Bleeding til I'm dry
before I end
and
die

I am content
with thy firmament
In silence I hold my lament
My fear is my strength
it unfolds to earths length
Beyond what my eyes may see
I lay my trusty words upon thee
Home is far from blinded sight
A life hidden in a darkened night
There we fell into closeness
An abundance of things to confess
In simple wholesomeness we linger
Til I can reach thy lips with my finger

I am content
with thy firmament
the same one it will be
when we look up we'll see

Today my brain is twisted
thoughts are misted
I want to write of the beauty that is
The beauty that I miss
The knowing that I crave
the one that would save
me from agony
and a life empty
of hope and filled with recollection
of needs and attraction
for something simple and true
like a tree that is green under a sky so blue
My ears are filled
My glass is chilled
My glass heart might break
if you try to take
part in my endeavor
to see lifes tangled parts clearer
But I'm okay with that
I'm ready to bet
My heart against another
let's smother
the pain we felt
and how we dealt
with lovelessness
I'll gladly confess
before you I'm bare
and I'd dare

again, and again, and again...

Decisions
         made
  I don't believe in
         fate
  everything is subjective
  even hearts have their own perspective

  You gave me an
         essay
  of things that
         may
  be the transparent you
  let's be risible true

  Am I visible to
         you
  are my hands reachable
         too?
  Is my brain a beautiful mess
  Anything else to confess?

         No.

  It's all a little
         so and so
  Nothing to be ashamed of
  Even if there will be love

  Yeah,
         uncertainty
  can be quite
         heavy

  But that's okay
  I might as well stay
  
  for a little bit longer. Or more.

Washed up on the shore
of the oceans, your waters inside
I left an armada of paper boats
folded from all the letters I wrote to you
In my mind, in my mind
For you to never find
For my pride to unwind
For love to be kind

I flew across a mountain high
The edges of your mind
And shed the feathers from my sacrificial bird
in hopes you'd make a pillow to rest your head
On my thigh, on my thigh
For you to be nigh
For my lips to gift you a relieved sigh
For love to get by

I sat underneath the tallest tree
the growth of me and you
and tried to capture the play of light and shadow on photographs
in an attempt to keep all memories safe for your return
To my side, to my side
For you to let your insecurities hide
For my arms to be open wide
For love to abide

Your awkwardness is infectious
These words can never really catch us
Would you say I'm making a fuss

Maybe this is normal
you just can't help but being formal
I know all of this seems quite suboptimal

But you know
I didn't think of this like a great show
Are we still going with the flow

I don't know what to tell you
if we both agree on this how could we be through
My thoughts are always overflowing, your words are few

So is it okay if you maybe
phrase your intentions more clearly
all I want is to talk with you freely

Like we talked when we saw
each other with loving awe
and being open and true was the law

Life
force me to
go back and
build a
hive

Bees
will have a
place to go
to all
she's

Full
of a thought
once there was
and now
dull

Die
let the idea
dry out and
be one
lie

Nothing
where it meant
to grow but
one day
something

Feel like I went
somewhere wrong
People look but
they don't hold on
And I so crave
for interaction
For a poetic
intersection
I can't
stop writing
It's reverse writer's block
that I'm fighting
When all I can do
is oversharing
the pressure in my head
is overbearing

I know we are all
most interested in ourselves
Standing tall
in front of our virtual bookshelves
Not much wrong with it
It's only human nature
we wait for our creations to be a hit
so we feel a little bit more mature

Our intentions must be
somewhat the same
Am I wrong in thinking that we all
want a little bit of fame
Maybe the word falls short to describe
I mean we all want to be seen
Make a small impact, "please subscribe"
Everyone wants to be part of the scene

Oh but "I don't care what I am",
that's not what I do
Ah but unfortunately
that's not even half true
I didn't care much when
I started out
Simply because
I wasn't so proud
Of being able to write
my most inner thoughts down
and still call them
my own
And I still don't feel
proud in comparison
All these beautiful souls on here
This lyrical ship has quite a strong garrison

But it makes me sad and I wonder
about some of you
and that's why I started to ponder
cause I have no clue
What does "a follow for a follow" mean
If that's all we do
what does it matter, why so keen

Do you think it's only fair
I follow you, you follow me
But I want you to really care
To click because you want to see
Silly little adventures that I share
and who I want to be

I still strive to feel connected
I read of you
til I'm feeling like everything's collected
Is it too much to ask to wish you'd too

Overly emotional
strangely proportional
partly suboptimal
highly improbable

Easily
devided
by truth and anger
and all that subsided

I'm trying
I'm hiding
Bad at denying
I need to feel
I need to scream
mostly defying
the urge to break
the urge to destroy
to disappear, to dissolve
I might be lying

To myself
to myself
My need for leaving or staying
is always unmet
with internal bleeding
my thoughts are paying
and these monsters
in my head
keep eating
Did I really put them there
myself?
Or did it happen back
when I was twelve?

I hear you
but your breath is so cold
I wanted to believe
in anything but you
But I think we got too old
and the house
my heart grew in
has long been sold

And when I'm drinking
you get angry
but what should I do?
My thoughts feel so scattered
and you can't pull me through

I'm trying
I'm fighting
Bad at denying
I need to feel
I need to dream
mostly defying
the urge to fake
the urge to decoy
to reappear, to resolve
I might be lying

to myself