i love all of the words
that are not mine
just as i love all of the people
who i can never have
i am a cycle of paradoxes
contradictory and scared
i repair the things
that should be left to crumble
and i destroy the things
that were meant to stand
i apologize when i dont mean it
(no im not)
the eighth deadly sin twice removed
i have no place
is an emotional struggle
so do not send me onto the warpath
because eventually i wont know
if im looking to kill you or myself
so dont use your words as gasoline
because you will burn with me
I stand on the edge
of the obsidian water
that has pooled together
Touching the tips
of my bare toes
of my bare bones
I am curious
to see what lies
on the other side
of the water
and my reflection
but it is different than I
I am strong
I am the swell of the ocean
I am natural
I am a petal refusing to bow to the rain
I am exposed
I am content in my nakedness
But my reflection is inviting
as she waves to me
to come over to the other side
I am falling head first
into the pool
and I feel every hair
being ripped and laid
perfectly in place
and I feel my face
become malleable wax
And as I emerge
from the pool
on the other side
I am gasping
My skin is red and smooth
My hair is shiny and long
My face is smiling and demure
But my ocean is a puddle to be stepped in
But my petals are to be plucked at any given moment
But my nakedness is to be shamed and clothed
And as I look around
a myriad of pools
who are just as horrified
as I am
because we are not who we are.
I have a scar on my right hand, directly below my middle finger knuckle.
It is from my teeth digging into my skin while I shoved my fingers down my throat.
It is from me trying to rid myself of hate,
To rid myself of ugly.
To rid myself of the thought that, "I am not worthy if I am fat".
It has been exactly 1 year and 3 months since I last forced myself to vomit.
And I can tell.
I can see every single calorie that was not purged,
Every single pound that my body has held on to,
And every single dirty look in the mirror.
But for some reason, you don't see that.
You undress me and you call me beautiful.
It makes me want to vomit.
You touch me and i flinch.
You tell me you love me and I ask how?
The only time I feel worthy is when I'm gagging into a toilet bowl with swollen eyes.
I've got tiny hands but the biggest feet
My face isn't asymetrical like the models in the magazines
The body I've got curves but not in the right spots
I can't find one bracelet that fits me
I find myself wanting to be a boy
I struggle with my weight but I'm clinically underweight
I go between wanting to go out and wanting to stay in within moments
I rarely feel comfortable in large crowds but that's where action lives
Talking, yeah, I do too much
I put up a front to make everyone think I'm strong but I crumble
Certain songs will make me cry and cry and cry and cry
I can never make up my mind
I'm highly self destructive and it's ever present in my life
My brain can't help but think lowly of me
It's almost like I'm trying to not believe in myself
I love too easy and get dragged a mile before I realize they don't deserve it
I'll come back after you've hurt me and come with a new naive grin
Hate controls my life and I can't let the past go
I want to lash out at everyone at the most random times
I can't do anything of which I set my mind
Success to me is monetary
I worry about things way way way too much
Craving touch is something that comes regularly for me
Loneliness caresses my days
So, when you ask me "Why not?"
Why you shouldn't fall in love with me.
If I told you about everything,
all the truth kept locked inside
If I made you a promise that
forbade me to lie
I'd tell you how fucked up I am,
of the thoughts I keep at bay
I'd show you all the scars I've made,
then I'd run away
If I couldn't hide myself behind
my broken shades
There would be no point in living,
my life driven by my shame