My body wouldn't move my feet
My feet wouldn't move the car
A pain like no other
A sledge hammer to the heart
I'm blazed out of my brain
I can feel my heart race when I think of you
I can feel my body ache when I imagine you
But I'll be okay
And so will you
Because that's what humans do.
She's tired of being a doll.
She no longer wants to be locked in a drawer with her pale pink dainty lips pressed against the ceiling of her rose-petal scented nightmare chamber.
She's old news now, Julie is the one to they all dote over, her hair's a shade lighter and glossier and her little boots are a more brilliant pink. Julie's dress isn't frayed like Arleta's, the flowers on the new doll's dress are more detailed and eye-catching.
Julie's perfumed with lemon and jasmine, Arleta used to smell of roses plucked at dawn after rain, now the once-sweet scent is toxic and she can't escape it.
She met a boy-doll once; Marr.. he looked at her as if she was a ship freshly painted and awaiting her maiden voyage over apple-green seas. Her tiny china heart had flipped that day and then never beat with such lovestruck ferosity again.
He'd fallen from a 3rd storey window and had been too broken to be mended, just like her worn little doll-heart.
But if she could dance like the young girls in the village do, in the buttercup fields.. if she could share carrot cake as dusk approached across the river and could sleep the night away in a hot air balloon!
If her legs could run and leap, and her delicate lips could kiss a charming boy..
She holds hope in her chest and crosses her porcelain fingers, maybe luck will fall into her lonely life like a jewel in a hail-storm.
the final words that you had uttered,
cling onto me as my heart fluttered.
“thank you so much!”, you stuttered,
my heart leapt, for i was flattered.
now that seven days have hurtled by,
and i hadn't had a chance to say goodbye.
i couldn't help but to sigh,
so i wrote this piece as a small reply.
as soon as the curtain was drawn,
i realised i had started to fawn.
i stayed up until the crack of dawn,
listening to your songs and suppressing a yawn.
the days after felt particularly empty,
even though i had looped the song “twenty”.
the feeling in my heart was still empty,
even after looking at images of you aplenty.
it was terribly obvious that something was missing,
my thoughts just had to do a little fishing.
my mind was no use, for it kept dismissing,
my heart knew better, for it was reminiscing.
two days ago i found out what was missing of mine,
i don't know why it took long, it was such a telltale sign,
i was on cloud-nine, and it was so divine,
i had realised i was missing my sunshine.
They keep telling me I'm brave.
That my determination will get me to shore..
That I'm inspiring.
I don't feel brave.
I feel weak. Like I'm hanging on a thin thread.
It's a dark lonely place where I'm at.
I have no choice but to just keep going.
I so desperately want this all to be over.
The sad reality is that it won't ever "be gone."
Maybe the wounds will heal over time but I know there will always be scars left on my soul.
I keep doing all the scary vulnerable things.
I feel dead already anyways.
Might as well give something else a try.
I'm so tired. So so so tired.
It all feels dark.
I'm told there's light somewhere in the distance, so I just have to blindly have faith and believe that there actually is.
Some days though, I have a hard time believing.
Have you walked in my darkness?
Can you feel my pain?
Brave or not, I want to give up.
My soul yearns for some rest.
I can't use my old coping mechanisms.
So I'm stuck with all these feelings of pain.
It's suffocating me.
Does anyone see my pain?
I don't know how to tell you.
But please don't make me show you.
Cause oh I could show you...
but it wouldn't be pretty and I might as well be dead because I wouldn't really be present anymore.
Somebody please help me.
be with me in the darkness and shine some light and hope.
Cause some days I really want to put myself out of misery.
Oh my souls yearns for some rest.
If only my words had
of their own.
They'd fly free flowing like open arms
our celestial song.
If only my thoughts
bellowing from my soul.
your heart's drum beat,
a harmonic hummm.
If only my love could burn through
your closed mind.
Oh, the treasure to find!
Books bound in leather,
Bunnies breeze by.
floating like paper trees.
On the cover,
and the man of my dreams.
Light as a feather
whispy little wings,
If only my words had
of their own.
They would harmonize
with yours in cosmic song.
Blue skies with
No such clouds
Cool air from a
faint morning breeze
Though such beauty
The heaviness i feel
Weak flesh upon standing
The cold stone tightness
With arms in disarray
And the ticker
Sludge that demands
Always to exist
Feel just once more
To a light feeling mist
tassels like little golden angels dancing in pattern without discernible sustainability some it seems fallen skirts blown back, or else kicking high in un-understandable ecstasy, beyond the grasp of my limited recognition of cognition, of understanding fullest being, expressive nonsense..Acceptance that this is not so, or at least only partially so, one being one mind one heart soul eternal there is only peace. Joy. Love. the depths of despair are only a manifestation of too deep a rut, too deep a meshing in the superficial nature of things, reality. Simple truths seen as incomprehensible because they are seen from eyes flipped upside down, backward set them right with the primal pattern which always is and always will be. See from the heart and the mind will settle in peaceful abandon...
Write to recognize the depths of confusion throw it away when one wishes to see the truth beyond limitation...mind not good not bad one with all a recognition of the truth is by no means necessary, only be, the fullest extent of yourself nothing means anything beyond there is nothing beyond self, which is all things...there is only being. Ever-present within without the dynamic expression change is an illusion fostered in the depths of blind submergence...
I opened my eyes this morning
And still i see I am alone
No one to blame however
Because still I would push you away
That comes natural with me
I dare to say
It's true I need you
but will fear you instead
It's an action i call push and pull
and push away again
I must say I'm sorry
But that is my way!