No, my heart did not beat faster
When I caught that glimmer in your eyes
No, it is not a home for secrets masqueraded in laughs
Nor a drunken love in disguise
No. My pillow is not a rainforest
Holding my tears, my cries
And I am certainly not enamoured enough
To suffer the low lows, climb the high highs
Of course I do not expect the universe
To let your whimsical words actualize
No. I do not whisper your name in the dark,
When the fear intensifies
No. I do not want to hear your voice
Your cheers of victory or exasperated sighs
The tears keep rolling down my face
I guess I'm good at telling lies.
even your mother is afraid of speaking your name.
she looks at her shaking hands,
tears on her eye ducts,
lips barley parted,
you never quite came back.
the paintings of you and her
can never describe
the burn she feels on her tongue
when she is forced to call
you are the lullaby
she sings every night,
while doused in witch hazel.
how silly it is
that even though she is
the giver of life,
she yearns for it
at every mention
of your absence.
Capturing a moment
A quick blink of the camera's eye
Curiously I stare back at me
The smile that just touches my lips
A lovely face unmarred by pain
How well hidden
The darkness that festers
With anger and churning fear
Preparing for battle
Once again this yearning need
Escape the cage
Trying to drown me
I'm completely comfortable, but I'm not.
I'm sinking into my bed, under warm blankets with happy thoughts of us.
Until I remember... you're not beside me. My heart aches as I'm reminded of how comfortably uncomfortable I am. Knowing you're not holding me now, but you are.
I hear words ringing in my head,
They are your voice;
Your existence is to the point where now all things remind me of you.
places of fond memories.
Why does it hurt?
This heavy feeling of the chest;
it is so, so uncomfortable.
Tell me why, please.
With that voice of yours,
My body wouldn't move my feet
My feet wouldn't move the car
A pain like no other
A sledge hammer to the heart
I'm blazed out of my brain
I can feel my heart race when I think of you
I can feel my body ache when I imagine you
But I'll be okay
And so will you
Because that's what humans do.
She's tired of being a doll.
She no longer wants to be locked in a drawer with her pale pink dainty lips pressed against the ceiling of her rose-petal scented nightmare chamber.
She's old news now, Julie is the one to they all dote over, her hair's a shade lighter and glossier and her little boots are a more brilliant pink. Julie's dress isn't frayed like Arleta's, the flowers on the new doll's dress are more detailed and eye-catching.
Julie's perfumed with lemon and jasmine, Arleta used to smell of roses plucked at dawn after rain, now the once-sweet scent is toxic and she can't escape it.
She met a boy-doll once; Marr.. he looked at her as if she was a ship freshly painted and awaiting her maiden voyage over apple-green seas. Her tiny china heart had flipped that day and then never beat with such lovestruck ferosity again.
He'd fallen from a 3rd storey window and had been too broken to be mended, just like her worn little doll-heart.
But if she could dance like the young girls in the village do, in the buttercup fields.. if she could share carrot cake as dusk approached across the river and could sleep the night away in a hot air balloon!
If her legs could run and leap, and her delicate lips could kiss a charming boy..
She holds hope in her chest and crosses her porcelain fingers, maybe luck will fall into her lonely life like a jewel in a hail-storm.
the final words that you had uttered,
cling onto me as my heart fluttered.
“thank you so much!”, you stuttered,
my heart leapt, for i was flattered.
now that seven days have hurtled by,
and i hadn't had a chance to say goodbye.
i couldn't help but to sigh,
so i wrote this piece as a small reply.
as soon as the curtain was drawn,
i realised i had started to fawn.
i stayed up until the crack of dawn,
listening to your songs and suppressing a yawn.
the days after felt particularly empty,
even though i had looped the song “twenty”.
the feeling in my heart was still empty,
even after looking at images of you aplenty.
it was terribly obvious that something was missing,
my thoughts just had to do a little fishing.
my mind was no use, for it kept dismissing,
my heart knew better, for it was reminiscing.
two days ago i found out what was missing of mine,
i don't know why it took long, it was such a telltale sign,
i was on cloud-nine, and it was so divine,
i had realised i was missing my sunshine.
They keep telling me I'm brave.
That my determination will get me to shore..
That I'm inspiring.
I don't feel brave.
I feel weak. Like I'm hanging on a thin thread.
It's a dark lonely place where I'm at.
I have no choice but to just keep going.
I so desperately want this all to be over.
The sad reality is that it won't ever "be gone."
Maybe the wounds will heal over time but I know there will always be scars left on my soul.
I keep doing all the scary vulnerable things.
I feel dead already anyways.
Might as well give something else a try.
I'm so tired. So so so tired.
It all feels dark.
I'm told there's light somewhere in the distance, so I just have to blindly have faith and believe that there actually is.
Some days though, I have a hard time believing.
Have you walked in my darkness?
Can you feel my pain?
Brave or not, I want to give up.
My soul yearns for some rest.
I can't use my old coping mechanisms.
So I'm stuck with all these feelings of pain.
It's suffocating me.
Does anyone see my pain?
I don't know how to tell you.
But please don't make me show you.
Cause oh I could show you...
but it wouldn't be pretty and I might as well be dead because I wouldn't really be present anymore.
Somebody please help me.
be with me in the darkness and shine some light and hope.
Cause some days I really want to put myself out of misery.
Oh my souls yearns for some rest.