If you really wanted to see me
Raw and exposed,
The depths of who I am,
You should’ve seen the scars on my skin.
The ones that have faded
And the ones that still bleed
The ones that healed to tell stories
And the ones that have not yet spoken.
Too fresh to be honest
Unable to preach healing when they are still wide open.
The places where pain escaped
But really got trapped deeper inside
A diversion from the real turmoil,
Sharp pain replaced worse pain.
They remind me I am still living.
I made a promise to keep it that way.
Though sometimes I do fear I will break that promise
Because I’ve broken others
And when everything turns to chaos inside of me,
I feel the pain in every part of my body.
Sometimes my mind suffocates and my lungs start to, too.
And there is no steady ground to lie down
And it feels okay to let go
Ok to leave permanent marks on my skin
Ok to leave the one permanent mark.
I love so much
God, I love so much.
But I hurt
And there is a piece of me
That I’m striving to find,
Looking for in myself,
In the future,
In a new beginning,
But I don’t think she’s there anymore.
She wants me to reunite on the other side, So I can find her there,
Or live life without her
Always wondering what will fill that hole
Before the hole fills me.
I can’t imagine much more of this.
I pray there is no more,
I pray that I can be whole.
I’m mourning the death of myself
All the sirens that pass reignite the loss
Cut even deeper,
Because there were days those sirens were meant for me
And days I feel them coming after me.
I’m out at sea
Looking for anything to stay afloat
But what I want I can’t have,
What I need is not mine,
What I lost is nowhere to be found,
It is only what little is left
That has not let me drown.
I’m looking for my next step
And it’s not one foot in front of the other,
It is something much more.
What is it?
I should figure that out soon.