i take what i love about myself and wear it as a badge of honor, but at night i stare at the ceiling and list all the things i hate. i stamp it in a journal and time-date it, bookmark the page i left off on and i put the leather bound away. once a year i visit what i hate about myself and find that as long as the feelings are inked on a page and not weighing heavy on my chest, there isn’t much to hate at all.
I don't recognize this face in the mirror, this didn't use to be me, what am I? How far away am I? All the damage I've seen, all the harm I've done, maybe I deserve to be uncertain. All the life has been ****** out of me, I might've done this to myself, I could be held accountable. I try to be smart enough to show what's inside, I don't believe I am, no words seem to be enough to show what I mean. Is this all just selfish of me? Narcissism, is it what this is all about? Not everything is about me, why do I feel all the pain? Can anyone tell me what this is all about? I'm scared, hopeless, and alone. Every sentence might be the last.
All my stuff might as well be tagged sad or depressive.
Laying beside Direction the same Aligned against Hands on your stomach Staring at the black threads That streak down Never out of place I memorize each thread Questioning if you even Recognize me After gazing at the wall for so long Almost lifeless But laying alone, myself, I'd rather be buried.
It kills me knowing You're away in your head Not present to feel The touch of my fingertips Or the silent breathing Against skin
I lay in wishing With each breath That you'll remember me Longer than the next morning I lay in hope That when you face me You won't tire of what you see.
I lay in desperation And in fear Of losing you With ourselves sitting, Watching These eyes and heart Fading away Less than an arm's reach From the desired dream Less than an arm's reach When I'll lose you
And I'll be cast Into detriment Soaked in self-loathing Screaming internally At my mistakes.
This carving knife Tears skin Like plucking threads; The pain of the mind Let out Through physical response, Immeasurable. A tear, A grain of sand, Time ticks Present to past. It’s an awful state To survive In such a way; Not even living, Just pulling through On a razor blade To appease the nightmare— The shadow; What an awful presence.
I'm asking you to look at me What do you think you see Chances are it's not what's really there A color faded through overuse In search of a simple truth Chances are it was never really there
Can't pacify the unsatisfied Or rectify hurt caused by lies Can't change the past Can't change the past
Dying behind a liar's grin Just let me sleep again Chances are I'm rotten to the bone If I'm around you should walk away I've nothing good to say Chances are I should always be alone
Can't justify how I terrorized Your entire life with all my lies Can't take it back Can't take it back
A billion or so other men Would treat you better than I ever can They'd give you the world and Ask nothing in return Honestly I'd like to see You kick the dust from your tired feet And never look back Just let me ******* burn
But your eyes show another life Where maybe I can make things right Forget the past Forget the past
"It's just so hard to live with someone who is so ******* miserable all the ******* time." "He's always been such a frustratingly depressing guy." "I don't like you." "You do nothing. You're useless." "What do you mean, you feel like a failure? Never mind. I don't want to talk about that." "You've got so much potential." "Well, you're a ray of ******* sunshine." "Have you tried being happy?" "You're giving off vibes of tension and frustration." "The kids are scared of you." "Jesus! What are you so sad about?!"
They're not wrong. Eggshells, eggshells, step gently around Joe. I don't bring joy, and I don't get more likeable. I am miserable. I just wish I didn't bring others down with me.
No, they're not wrong, but I really wish they were.
And now what? (now nothing) Self-saboteur, unhappy with being only unhappy, will you not stop until you are completely miserable? (i do not deserve happiness) Will you continue until nothing is good and your company is avoided? (i do not deserve goodness or friends) Why do you so strangely insist on thwarting contentment? (i do not deserve to be unbroken) Why will you not love you? (i am unlovable) But we care, we do care. (then you are wrong) We want to see you smile. (only poison comes from my mouth) We want to see you happy. (you are not listening)