I came in naive and unassuming
My life in bags and eyeballs gleaming.
Sun poured through window grills,
flushing the room in a rich gold fill;
And that's all it took for me to embrace
this 10 square feet of snuggle space.
But the room grew generous beyond its capacity,
accommodating all flavours of friends and familiarity;
And I learnt things here about my own disposition,
such as my lack of appetite for solitude & isolation.
The mirror saw me through my worst,
While the cupboard held my secrets closed;
And the glowing stars have, many a times,
watched me through nightmare cries.
The balcony made me believe in magic
Over sunset chai or a Midnight cigarette.
It mothered my plants despite my carelessness
And fostered friendships with unknown faces.
It showed me colours I'd never seen
of the cinematic sky and my own self-esteem.
And now that the moment to leave has arrived
A chunk of my heart aches to stay behind
for there's so much more these walls need to hear
and so many more nights that I want to spend here;
Between these sheets stained with love and Chefkraft sauces,
Between those stand-up specials and alternate sex poses.
Between ukulele evenings and fried egg mornings,
Between gusts of wind that stole all our cloth pins.
Between Oscar nominee films that I slept through
Between 4am phone calls and the sound of that flute.
Between washing dishes and power cut storms,
Between tangerine showers and hugs so long;
Between gin & tonic and the dance of bare feet;
Between folding clothes and deciding what to eat.
Between conversations that ended at dawn
Between agarbatti smells and deliveries from Amazon.
Between making plans for imaginary tomorrows;
Between the creases of unironed shirts I borrowed.
Between food care packages and the smell of mutton curry.
Between the echoes of kisses and forgotten worries.
Five hundred days of three zero two
Flew often too fast, often too slow
Enough at times, to fill a book or a century
And sometimes too ephemeral to last that fickle memory.
I explored all there was to see
cities, islands, mountains
there was a new place to visit every single day
each one full of life
I could see my dreams coming alive
but in my heart was a pang of longingness
I love all these places but at the end of the day
I just want to go back home and sleep in the same bed that I used to when I was a kid.
I always take the long way home
And I always wind up being late
And everyone just thinks I'm slow
But I like the scenic route
I like taking my time in arriving
And savoring experiences and feelings
I'm not wallowing in myself and my darkness
I'm wallowing in the flavors that burst
And drip down my chin
With every bite I take from life
So what if arrive a little sticky and filthy?
When I reach home
I'll remove the garments obscuring the me
Step into the shower
And under the cool waterfall
Wash away the pain and the anguish
Sooth and cool my aching muscles
Because all this walking has them seizing
And maybe I'll ask you to join me
So I can love you once again
Because when I reach home
Without a doubt
You'll be there waiting.
I sit here on this messed up balcony that has all essence of home
All i think about is the view right before me
The size of the mountains repel me
But that makes me more drawn to its diabolic beauty
Flashes of every story and legend I've read takes place in those mountains
And my eyes betray me by refusing to look away from this dream catcher
In the distance the rain collapses and it reminds me why i live in this town
Of my love towards the smell of the rain provides
Nothing is more hypnotizing
It gives me a chillingly warm feeling as the chains hold me in this messed up hell of a balcony
i long for a place i have been in dreams
My soul longs for all the lives I've lived
Lifetimes ago I was someone different
Maybe once long ago, riches dripped from the curves of my being
Maybe whiskey graced my lips far to often
Maybe smoke stained my lungs
Maybe my feet touched mountains
Maybe in a life long ago, my figure was shrouded in darkness
Maybe it was helpless
or not, maybe it was a warrior, hard and sharp and deadly
Maybe my back was once adorned with wings
Maybe satin dripped from my lips
Maybe symbols littered by skin
Maybe my name was death,
Maybe I died for love
for my cause
I have lived many lives
and I long for them all
My soul longs for its place, its home
a home I have no memory of
I am filled with an unyielding ache for things I know nothing of
My ears long for words from worlds long ago
My skin craves the ink that once ran from my fingers so freely
My hands ache to dig into the earth to which they have been stranger to for so long
My skin aches for the long forgotten bite of steel that had once been so familiar
I am homesick for places that have never been my home,
My soul is cursed to spend its eternity searching for its place.