I want to cry
I want to scream
But I won’t do it
I want to laugh instead
I need to laugh instead
I should laugh instead
I’m going to laugh instead

What do I deserve
How strong am I really
What do I deserve
How blessed am I really
What do I deserve
How privileged am I really
I know how much
I know how much
I know how much

I feel everything you do
But it looks like I’m numb
Or maybe it’s that I don’t feel
At least not the way you can

I want to be your shoulder
I want to be your heart
I want to cry for you
I want to inspire you
But how can I
When I only think of myself

No I’m not going to cry
And I know the reason why
I know what I deserve
And it’s not my own tears
It’s not my own tears
It’s only yours
Because I did it to you
Because life did it to you
And I’m still here
The same as ever
How can I cry
When you beat me to it?

I look at the sun and sky
I squint not in cynical repose
It’s just that it hurts
It’s that simple sometimes
I know why things happened
I was there the whole time
I can take it
I can take being wrong
I can take being strong
Because I am
I am because I can cry
But not about me
Not about me
Only about you
I can cry about you
Even walking the streets
Like being asleep with my eyes open
I can cry
And they won’t know it
Because it’s on the inside
And they think my eyes are red
Because I stared at the sun
And I did
Yes I did
You were the one who burned me
So why do I keep looking up?

But I’ve not had enough
I won’t sink too far
I like to swim
I won’t tell anyone how deep
They might try to save me
I know how long I can hold my breath
Maybe it’s that we’re in the same place
And if you see me then you know
You know how bad it is
Because that’s how bad it is for you
We can swim alone
Or together
But oceans aren’t for dying my friend
It’s only a place to fall
It’s the quiet life
Where everything can only stare
The way I am walking the streets
Dodging the light from above
Because I know it’s you

To seek refuge in hollow whims
Sanctuary is for whomever it fits
Emboldened by the size of our coalition
We stretched for home when it hit

These walls had holes that exposed lives
They sought out permission to secure
Home can't fault when our hands stay firm
We stayed until midnight for stars to cheer

Eclipses of life illuminates violent rays
Devastation creates fear in the air
These walls will stay sound for centuries
Pearl gates held still as endings felt near

You can't lose what was taken from you
We reached for balloons that reach back
Knights cleared up space for grieving
Our strength stands tall for our very last

every time you teach her that masculinity is strength,
you put a nail in her newborn coffin.
because you have taught her that she is simply an extra to a man's story,
she will wander hopelessly trying to find that strength in men who will only give her half-truths.
she will endure pain because she is nothing but a weak willed woman.

every time you teach him that feminity is weakness,
you have tied the noose for his little neck.
because he will always put himself down because he should be a man not a boy and weakness just doesn't fit in that box,
he will never learn how crying is an artform.
he will forever be a boy.

so keep your bigoted ideologies inside and throw away the key,
because the greatest gift you could give to your darling is to be free.

i wish to carry such strength
that even gravity
will be utterly amazed
at how well
i keep all of my broken pieces
together

s.s

I remember sitting on my bedroom floor in a flood of tears, asking God for strength to hold on.

I remember my past trauma and how badly the weight of it fell upon me over and over again.

I remember my Mother's blank expression during events such as parent teacher conferences and family dinners.

I remember the marks on her body she tried hiding and the silence that screamed for release.

My Father was a monster.
My Mother and I were his prey.

I remember not knowing how to socialize in school and being disregarded because of it.

I remember having to lie about certain situations regarding my absences and behavior.

I remember maturing into a woman and feeling so insecure in my own skin.

I remember the first time I allowed a man to touch my body and my Father being my first thought.

I remember the first man I truly loved and how much he was exactly like my Father: an alcoholic, stubborn, and manipulative.

I remember tears streaming down his face the second and final time I walked out on him.

I remember self harming and the release inflicting pain on myself brought.

I remember the blood on the sheets, uncomfortable stinging, and feeling distant.

I remember being suicidal and the "what if?" thoughts being the only thing refraining me.

I began focusing on bettering MYSELF.
I began loving MYSELF.

I continue this pattern, but I always remember.