we are only doing
what our parents
told us not to:
*misbehaving.

if i am smiling,
it doesn't mean
i'm happy,
if i am laughing,
it doesn't mean
i'm happy,
if i am having fun,
it doesn't mean
i'm happy,
it only means
i'm too sad
to do anything else,
besides hide under
masks which include
fake smiles and
a happy soul.

today I realized that
you haven't left my heart completely,
there is still so much more of
you in there,
I realized love was blind and
not even a thousands poems
will matter to you,
I realized I filled myself
with lies I didn't even believe,
I filled myself with hatred,
I realized I still give a ****
about you, I still think of you
when the night settles,
and no matter how many
playlists I make you and
no matter how many songs
will be written about you,
you will never look at me
the way I look at you,
and I'm sorry it took me
this long to realize
that I'm not worth your time,
no matter how many times
I see you in my eyes,
I realized we will never fit,
we don't match, no matter
how many times I try to
capture your attention
with my cherry lips and
emerald eyes.

i.
i met a boy with light brown eyes
and a nice smile, with glitter in his hair
and no blood on his hands, and
he reminded me of the rain and
sun at the same time.

  *ii.
he sometimes looked at me but it
wasn't with the same passionte eyes
i viewed him and i was certain he wasn't
longing for me to kiss his neck and graze
my teeth on the thin skin of his collarbone.

   iii.
he fascinated me in ways i couldn't even explain,
his mind was the ocean i wanted to dive in and explore,
but i found myself unable to swim in the deep water,
and i couldn't find a way out on the surface, i felt myself
drowning and his arms, which didn't even reach out for me,
couldn't save me.

    iv.*
i was buried by his laugh and drugged on his smile
but i couldn't wish for a more lovelier death.

i have noticed recently,
that her green eyes are darker,
her shiny hair is darker,
her soft lips are darker,
her flushed cheeks are darker,
her ****** thoughts are darker,
and her twisted soul is darker.
but even like this,
with her changed,
i still love her with
that dark glow that
shines over her.

i like the way
he smokes his cigarettes,
a puff of smoke
coming out of
his curved lips,
lips that
give me a wicked
smile before
walking away
without a word,
and i am left once
again, imagining
of seeing him again,
and gathering some
courage to tell him
everything,
but that courage
disappears everytime
he appears in front
of me, with another
lit cigarette, and
another wicked smile.

maybe it's sort of pathetic how you were my very first thought in 2015
and how i couldn't watch you smile as the clock struck twelve but i guess i'm just never good enough for your presence
i hate how you're cold and i always burn and you could freeze me with your eyes if you‘d ever look at me but i'm only firing flames and you don't seem to notice and you're clueless to my sadness or just want to be
and you don't look at me anymore
you never smile and i never smile and i guess the world is a sad place and the stars don't shine and my heart doesn't sing and my lungs dont breathe without your smile
the sound of your name is my favourite melody and your voice is my favourite tune and you're the song i can't stop listening
and i noticed how your friend mentioned your name and then searched for a reaction in my eyes, he would stop for a second and scan my face for a change of the sound of your name and i feared they might see you behind my eyes because it's all i ever see,
he told me tales of how you missed your bus and chased it and i could just imagine your flushed cheeks, i guess you're used to this weather and he asked me about you and i just smiled and denied but it was all a lie since i still love you but to be honest i never actually stopped no matter how much i tell myself i did
you were my first dream of 2015 and i fear you're gonna stay just that when i want you in reality and i know these two weeks are gonna be hell without you but maybe hell is exactly what i need since you're my heaven, the heaven i don't even deserve and the moon is hidden behind the clouds and it feels like you're hidden behind time
i hope time doesn't erase you from my heart no matter how much i hate you,
maybe you'll never understand that you are the sun with a soul of a winter and i'm just a storm with a loud thunder.

you will
certainly be
the ultimate,
paining death
of me.

an illusion,
a superior mirage,
one that is complex and
unusual,
is often the most beautiful
of all.
complexity is stronger,
more beautiful and more powerful than you
because you're just
simple and ordinary,
nobody wants that,
nobody wants you.

a sophisticated
dance, in the
empty ballroom,
at ten pm,
while everybody
else is drunk in
the next room,
we are dancing,
sober and alive,
*for the first time,
ever.

but she brought the rain
and clouds and storm
and thunder.

and all he brought was
the sun, and it outshined
her completely.

after all, everyone liked
the sun and
no one liked the rain.

maybe* i am better off alone,

maybe i am not worth anymore,

maybe i shouldn't breathe,

maybe i should take the razor,

maybe i should draw red lines on my skin,

maybe blood will come out and run,

maybe i will lose conscience,

maybe i will fall on the floor,

maybe no one will find me,

maybe i will finally be at peace.

you,
unlike mom,
were always calm
and collected.
but you were so
oblivious,
you had no idea what she did
to me,
that monster you loved so much
was so unfair to me,
but you were too clueless to notice.
i can not blame you, dad,
she always put that mask around
you, so you couldn't figure it out,
even if you wanted to.

i cried for a month straight
when you passed away,
and mom was so calm
about it, i don't think
she ever loved you.

but i still love you, dad,
i love you in ways she never could,
i still love you, even though
your feet no longer walk
on this earth.

*and i am sorry, that i turned into
her,
so, so sorry,
i never wanted to
disappoint you,

i lost you, and with that,
                  i lost myself.


                             **i just gotta accept the fact that
                             the girl who is gonna leave her
                             taste on your tongue realizes
                             how lucky she is going to be
                             to just touch your lips and
                             make you laugh.

your brown eyes
are enough to make me
fight for you,
your childish smile
is enough to make me
want you,
your tender hands
are enough to make me
only yours,
                            *and i wanna be only yours.

let's go away at night.
go to our imaginary land and take your guitar.
i'll play away the time, singing our song.
joining the stars in the beautiful dance,
the dance of happy tears.
let's scream as loud as we can,
let the world know we're awake at night.
let's create a dream,
a dream we should visualize when we're feeling down.
let's leave this world and go away together.
go live a perfect dream.

ignited**
by you
and the love that
you don't give.

i want to disappear
from this world,
this planet because
i can not be reminded
of you, anymore.
all this reminiscing and
memories are just too much
for my empty soul.
i ignore you and try
to forget you,
but it's impossible.
i want to avoid you,
and maybe i am succeeding
at it,
but i also want to find you
because you seem to
disappear lately, too.
all i need is closure,
because without it
i cannot move on,
and maybe,
i do not want to,
maybe i want to
love you until
the end of time,
but i also want to
forget you and
escape the spell you
had cast on me.
i don't want you
to invade my thoughts,
anymore.

I wanna get really drunk and tell you all the things I'm too afraid to tell you sober,
and I want you to call me drunk and whisper my name and tell me that you've been in love with me all along but we both know how stubborn i am and how proud you are and we both know that you deleted my phone number a long time ago and you're not planning on calling it any time soon but that's okay,
I'm okay.
I'm fine without you, no matter how much my heart burns and my head aches of your absence and how I find relief in my own puddle of tears, mixed with blood, bled only for you.
You were my sunshine when i wanted rain, and my star when I wanted clouds and I guess I was just the skip of your heartbeat, and just a mere breath taken away,
I still think about kissing you all the time, but it seems to hurt much more now as my hopes turned to cigarette butts and you being mine turned to dust.
I guess you were just the fog polluting the air, and I found it hard to breathe around you, you were the summer rain nobody wanted but I liked summer rains, they washed all my pain away, while the sun was still shining.
Maybe I was just the dirt on your shoes, you cleaned me over and over again, making me disappear and I always came back on rainy days where you accidentally step into a puddle of mud and I'm once again stuck on your shoes.
The frickle of sparkle in your eyes has me thinking and everytime I look myself in the mirror and focus on my dull eyes, all I see is you.
I wonder what kind of thoughts cross your mind every time you lay your eyes on me, and it's so wrong of me to be satisfied with the smile of pity on your face everytime you see me.
And i keep rereading all the sad poems I ever wrote you and it made me realize how much I was in love with you and how that unrequited love is slowly dying and fading away, the wind taking all the dust and broken pieces you left of me and making them sink into the sea.
Maybe this is your way of showing your power, the control you have over me, to brag to your friends about the pathetic girl who is in love with you and sees you through different eyes and finds you eternally fascinating.
And as i look through the window pane of my dad's car while we‘re driving through town, i see you in my own reflection and I see you on the sidewalk holding some other's girl hand and I see you in the moon and all the stars and rushing cars and I can't help it but you're my every thought, you have possesed me and I don't think I'm gonna survive this storm and I'm not even sure that I want to.
You're the fire and flame and I'm just a melted candle under your stare.

yellow primroses,
in your blonde hair,
the summer wind blowing
and messing it up.
you are dancing without
a care in the green meadow
that you adore
and the village where you
grew up.
floral wreaths on top
of your head,
the sun is beaming over you.
and like this,
with flowers in your hair,
flowers that almost
match your hair color,
and that sun dress that i adore,
you are still perfect,
and you'll always be.