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Amanda Kay Burke Jan 2021
Think about your face all the time
Climbing the wall I'm stuck behind
Before you left felt so strong
Now just feel strung along
You spun webs of silken lies
I am the prey you caught that dies
One day say you love me
Next nothing at all
Since I've still been waiting for a single message or call
Something has changed the way that you feel
More likely
Feelings weren't real
Your words can con anybody with enough charm
What do you gain by causing me harm?
**** relationship with stupid mistakes
Suspect are choices you intentionally make
You are a person I don't even recognize
Where best friend stood is a stranger with blue eyes
Happiness stolen by time's vicious stare
****** up to the point beyond repair
We are both ruined
Amanda Kay Burke Dec 2020
We are a little ****** up inside
The parts of ourselves we try to hide
Some of us dwell in trenches deep
Just like those up hills so steep

Looking at the life I know
Stars above
Ground below
Everything we do not share weighs us down
In the stress we'll eventually drown

Is knowledge we are missing too hard to reach?
Can be the one to show me how and teach
More bad habits every day
But you can take them away

Is more serotonin what I need?
Expensive to sense/cents to feed
Rather fix hormones in my brain
Than leave be and go insane

A long way to go
Climb off my knees
Halfway there start to wheeze
Missed shot
I'm on the bench
Opportunity failed
Fists clenched

Throw confidence against wall
Kindness shown to others
Not self at all
And around in circles I run
Like clock hands thoughts are never done

Confetti exploding
Colorful shower
Pieces of heart shredded by the hour
No bravery
No guts
No *****
No spine
Days will never again be mine

No hurry to grow older
Faint embers to smolder
Story etched
Layers of stone
Exhausted to skin and bone

Walking motion
Too worn out to sprint
Precious time now viewed with tint
Inhumane way of wearing death out
Lies before infinite route

Mirror whispers
"You are not good enough"
Existing breath hated and rough
Body in conflict with the voice in my head
Dangling from a solitary thread

The day hazy because I am confused
Hop from mistake to mistake unexcused
Revealing that despair is long
Unchanging as I mosey along

My heart warming
Trying change
And thawing as flaws disarrange
Can think I'll get better
I never will
Spending time savoring that thrill

Laughing days that passed by in a rush
Sharing stories we gush
We are only distracting from the pain
Is a point ever reached
Where you slip down the drain?

A need to fix
Need to heal
No way of stopping the bad **** I feel
Move feet but I'm stuck in place
****** up all I can't erase
Its so hard to let go of the past
Amanda Kay Burke Dec 2020
I think the reason so many of us hide
We are a little ****** up inside
Or a lot ****** up if you are like me
J Nov 2020
No like seriously what jlihjhbjyh the **** is wrong with me. See that? That beautiful little key smash? I misspelled something and then proceeded to ******* aosdklfjaksetiovarkjgozlscrmfkajzhulfkj, aZDk,avjz.zdkf,zvjukfjcufck happened again but because I got mad that it wasn't loading faster so I'll ******* type later or something *******.

Edit: I'm sorry. I'm sort of hanging by fragile strings, and I think that I'm going to end up really ******' something up because I just can't ******' do this, y'know? Every little thing ****** me off. And I know for a fact that no one is going to get exactly how I feel, which just frustrates me. It also makes me happy, because as long as no one knows how this feels, they won't feel this pain, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. I wish I'd just do it already, **** myself and ****. I don't know why I haven't, maybe I'm just hopeful that MAYBE ******' MAYBE it'll get better. MAYBE I'll learn **** better, and get over everything better and ******' survive and ****, I'll like. IDK. Be better one day maybe. BUT ISN'T THAT *******? Is anyone really gonna ever ******' be better? EVER? I doubt it. we're all ****** up, and there's really no fixing it. If I don't ******' hurry and **** my ****** self someone else needs to do it. ******' shoot me, please. Carve these ****** arms and legs, this stomach, this chest, these ******* eyes need to come out, c u t m e. If I scream, take out my tongue, I deserve this. I deserve these feelings, don't I? Why would I have them if I didn't deserve them, where the **** is my ******* serotonin. I hate it here. I ******', well hell. WHAT THE **** IS WRONG WITH ME.

I'm a little upset that this isn't very long. Nowhere as long as the others, and a  huge part of me is worried that I'm losing motivation and words and that I'll be repetitive, so all I have is this last thing, and then maybe I'll never really write again.

just kidding, I have something in my drafts that I've been working on.
I'm just ******.

I don't like being touched but I think I want to be hugged right now if that makes sense?

But don't touch me, I don't want to be touched. I really don't. I want to just.. ******'. I don't know.

I want to be talked to, yknow?

But at the same time, I'm not gonna ******' open up about ****.

I mostly just want to talk to my girlfriend, but now I've got it in my head that all I ever do is talk about myself, which makes me ******, but now that I have to talk or else I might actually just ******* end it- it's a bit ****** y'know? I don't know what the **** I'm doing.

edit part two: Jesus **** she ******* hates me doesn't she, I should shut up I should never ever ever talk I should never talk shut up shut up holy **** I really hurt her don't I
she's been hurt so ******* much why
why do I have to make it worse for her
I swear I love her I swear I love her
I swear I do.
I'm so ******.
I'm the toxic one.

it's always been me.

I'm so sorry. I'm going to work on it. I'll carve my issues from my skin until you love me again. I can be worthy of your love I promise.
had my first little breakdown on the phone with my girlfriend today (November 10) and i'm still not sure what to do about it. so, as always, I just kind of write and then post and wonder if maybe someone ******' gets it. and if not, well, suppose i'll suffer? ****, I dunno. I don't think i'll stay here much longer. crazy.
E Sep 2020
uncommon grows normal
routine with procedure
getaways, paradise, heaven
bare, void, blank
air occupies what was
take afoot inside
think comfort, warmth
ignited with flames
books of wisdom
books of happy
books of reflection
raveled with devouring famine
scorching heat searing
the leather casing
the thin sheets
the purpose of it all
all that's left
crumbled cracking at the seams
indistinguisable at corners
words left legible
smack dab middle
with colors reminiscent
pouring white milk
into black coffee
only this time
an odor intoxicating as gasoline
Fireflies Aug 2020
A dream, a crave, a love engraved
A desire, a fire, a vision so dazed
Every thought, so fleeting, only this held tight
Every tear, such failure, for this i fight
Such pain, still settling, that road was rough
Such anger, ****** up, passion is never enough
We may be passionate about something, but sometimes just passion is not enough to reach your goals. You need resources, support and a whole lot of talent. Sad but true.
Raven Aug 2020
Why was I made to exist? To merely experience life through sorrowful eyes.

I drown so deep, I question all my feelings and try to make excuses as to why I feel a certain way.
Certain ways I don’t even understand.
If I was made to bring a revolution and change perception, then why should I **** myself just by doing so?
So empty and hollow, the wall has enclosed.
If I was born to be misunderstood, why is it so easy for me to understand and accept everyone else, even those who discredit me.

The voices in my twisted mind. Who are they? Are they real? Is it my intuition? Or is it intuition turned into nerve aching anxiety.
Writhing inside of me, eating every part of my disillusioned sanity.
If I seize to exist to help those who put me down and call me crazy, then why is it worth it?

If I could hang myself right now tight around the neck where I might snap my spine... why would it matter?
I’ve accepted being alone, being lonely is now contentment. Peace.
Drained by others negativity, pulling me down like strings by their problems.
If I was meant to show my true form, why is it that I live in different facades.
Questioning who I am every single ****** day.

I hear people constantly talk about me, in my mind.
Is it intuition? Or mere delusion.

I’m dead. Empty. My purpose in life is to physically die so I can finally go back to where I came from. Other dimensions where I truly belong.

Disentanglement, I lose myself in fear.
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