Night crawls like lizards
with tongues of opalescent horror
Sleep is a blanket on someone else's bed
and I jolt and gasp like she had
connected by that plastic tube
to a life finally withdrawn
Sleep is torn from my lungs which choke on fears that close around me as coal dust
and all I see in the dark are the
worst things she suffered
from cancer's tongues of horror
Then radiance reaches from your woken soul and you recite Quran over me
like a Southern faith healer
with laying on of hands
They slither away from the light you've conjured and I sleep oh I sleep
Daylight memories appear as camera flashes
petty poltergeists easily banished
Yet darkness always follows day as an anxious housemaid
Memories slip their skins and crawl from discarded scales again where they shouldn't
within my veins and arteries
Every inch of my skin
with needles dripping toxins.
Hair falls out from my head
until there is nothing
but my ashen skin exposed.
My head feels dizzy,
even without doing anything
but wait for my time.
I feel nauseous
even without touching food
for the last two days.
I lie in bed all day,
not only as a tired person,
but as the terminally-ill.
All of this I endure,
hoping that one more day
will be added
between this day
and my untimely quietus.
A death certificate opened
on my computer screen
like a white rose in a light mist
Immaculate and orderly
words parading like graduating cadets
The name of that beast hidden in Latin like a mystery from the Revelation
yet I had seen it
eating without distraction
without looking up
a lion on a dying calf
eyes wide and realising
I had seen your light dim
and closed your lids with a moist thumb
Now words say nothing of the ravages and the wild
the predators or the prey
I'll forward that lifeless paper to the bank and you'll simply disappear back into quiet emptiness and shadow
my heart has an empty hole in it where you once lived
now i'm stuck loving someone who is six feet under the ground
your words from years ago suffocate and it's hard to breathe
i feel like i'm losing space
the flowers you planted in my chest have stopped growing
one by one the petals are plucked away
and still under everything in both of us is each other
so please tell me how i'm supposed to love anyone the way i loved you?
you made your mark on me and now i'm left to continue on with the pain
while you're six feet under the ground
Bent like an ancient oak with rivulets of
A simpler time
Running deep through etched lines
And leathered hands whose grasp tells stories
Of cows, and dirt, and constant work;
A lifetime of losses buried beneath the skin,
And in the earth.
Warm the way he coddles my babies,
Tussles their hair and stares
As if cradling diamonds laid bare
Against his work-worn arms.
Laughing, his eyes dance from face to face
As if he can trace the cords that tie,
That bind and intertwine,
So many generations.
Worn thin and torn, that same old shirt, those wrangler jeans,
Socks pulled up to his knees,
And a ratty baseball cap, covered in grease;
It still reads, “Hereford beef.”
And now, the ashes of a cigarette, a favorite coffee mug,
The scent of hay, the settled dust,
muddy footprints on the rug
In a quiet house,
For grandpa to win this bout,
To overcome the longest drought,
The meanest stud,
The cancer that cripples him up
In a hospital far away.
Be anticipative and breathe every day!
Believe in an enhanced tomorrow and pray.
Please be not a grumpy, thoughtless fool!
With its unwise judgment, a senseless ghoul.
Be a wise who has touched the peak of knowledge
Explore and love; be not in a painful cage!
Love, for it is the sweetest gift we can provide.
Guide the similar people who have cried.
Smile for it’s the most beautiful view.
Like a sunshine shining upon morning dew.
Don’t discard the precious flow of time!
By hatred or envy for they are heinous crime.
Believe me you are not the only.
So please end considering yourself lonely!
We are here to support you,
Trust me, I know it’s true…
Deadly cells find comfort in my body
They grow and destroy my mind
inside I slowly die, my soul turns into a graveyard
this pain robs me of energy
cancer oh how I hate what you have done to me
you infect me with agony that spreads like the ocean
touching every corner of my body
leaving me to fight this pain
which makes me deserted in a world full of many
Inside its cold and lonely, outside feels so empty
I fought you for years, gave you so many tears
as you flirted with my fears
cancer what do you want from me
if it is my life you seek, my life you won't get
for that I will fight till the end of time
I will not give up, for I am a survivor
I was born to be stronger, hold on longer
Fight this battle with the love I get from others
Cancer I will overcome you one way or another
for I am a survivor
I watch you sink inside
retreat from light
I watch your chest rise
To where have you withdrawn?
some vast cathedral of confusion?
a cell with a sentence?
a single memory of warm things?
Are you with devils or angels?
It is a wall
I search for a door
I cannot enter
I cannot pull you back
hold you here
you are falling
I am far already
and nothing I can do
can stop the depths
reaching up to swallow you
The Reaper may or may not be our friend,
depends on how much pain needs be reduced.
In time each one of us will meet our end;
we live as if we've not been introduced.
I wasn't prepared
for this amazing joy
that found its way to me
when you and I
decided to once again be
man and wife--
I hope you will forever be
a huge part of my life
and that we can slay the dragon
that threatens to steal you away
I'm sure we'll win--Cancer
won't have its final say--
we'll beat it back with our love and strength
and you know without doubt,
I'll go to any length
to fight for you and make sure we win
so for now...let's just live life
and truly begin
our life united in love forevermore
and when Cancer comes knocking
we'll not even answer the door!
©Pamela Rae 05.09.2017