I’ve always seen the world
Through rose-colored glasses
Teal glitter
Sunflowers and Baby’s Breath-
Something happy
And beautiful

Then you died.

The rosy lens shattered
Piercing my eyes
Drawing blood and tears,
Scouring the oceanic glitter
Staining the flowers
Forcing them to wilt.

Killing them as you were killed.

Gutting me of every sense
Of security I possessed
Clogging my veins
And fraying my nerves
Until I was so devoid of sensation
And stripped down
I became empty and numb

the numbness wasn’t terrible
It was bearable-
Comfortable and safe
Sustainable and sustaining
I fell in and out of love,
pushed myself harder than usual,
Isolated myself  
I didn’t care that was painful-
At least I could hurt
In a less tragic
And obvious way.

And to keep you with me?

I pulled all the photos of us
Out of the dusty album
That lives in our basement-
the pictures began to leave
The ghostly scent
of flowers on my skin

I re-read old letters, cards, and texts
Called your phone even though I knew
You wouldn’t answer-
I found specks of dusty blue glitter
Accumulating in the corners of my room
Between bed sheets
and at the bottom of my bathtub

Then I cried
When no one was there
When it hurt the most to miss you
When I wouldn’t cause a scene-
The tears washed my eyes raw
But that rosy hue
Never returned

through this shattering
through this torture
through this tragedy

I began to realize what it meant
To love someone
And not realize how centra
l they are to your life
Until they’re not here anymore
They can’t hug you
and tell you its going to be okay
You won’t ever see them smile
You will never be able to them you love them
And hear them say it back.

They are gone.
And you can’t do anything about it.
i tried to write a happy ending here
but it was unfitting.
julianna Mar 10
Cancer free
Cancer free
My old best friend is cancer free
He didn't share his cancer with me
The cancer that was in his knee
We passed the hospital at three
And my heart had anxiety
But there was cancer in his knee
He had cancer, but we're both scarred and I can only blame myself.
I've caught the fever
Love is making me hopelessly sick
It degrades my body
It rots my souls
It distracts my mind
My cornea is misted over with a filter
Blinding me only to reality
A cancer of the heart
In need of fixing, I must return
To soft dark rooms with photographs
The echoing clicks of typists,
ticking away
Article after article about failed love
The anxious tapping of doctors,
scribbling away
Paper after paper about broken hearts
To sell to my waiting-room magazines
About all the treatments available:
Pseudoscientific daily medications
Holistic healing remedies
Statistically determined vaccinations
Nutrition centric routines

And not a cure in sight-
A sequel to arrhythmia
Im counting down the ways to go
Days until my mental mess ups will rob my youth
Without permission it took my hair
It took my future
It is taking ME away from my family
But cancer cant give anything back
My bone frame and withering marrow
Causing me to be a flower that refuses to grow
I'm stuck in an underland of sterile sheets and life monitors
On repeat...
Until a day comes by when the sun hadn't yet arose
And the failing use of my heart leaps while it tries to restart
The watchdog that kept tabs on my life starts to screech
Nurses rush in and attempt CPR
Punching their way to my receding heart
When i was alive
The most sad thing i encountered was the fact that ice cream was bottemless
That was when i realized there was nothing they could do
Ice Cream cant save lives !
Yet the nurses had the audacity to ask  "One more ?"
Arsenals of shots and tests
For nothing
Terminal cancer is a hateful coward
dedicated to the families who lost loved ones to cancer . my heart is with yours

One means hope
Thinned hair


Two frays your nerves
Bald heads
Tired limbs


Three brings pain
Chemo filled veins
Faltering hearts


Four is the end
Fills you up
Destroys you

“Life is a precious thing. I've learned that in my time on this earth.”
Life is a precious thing. I’ve learned that in my time on this earth.

“15 whole years of being a speck in oblivion.”
Seventeen years of being a speck in oblivion.

“I'm crying as I speak these words. I wish I could have made a mark on this world.”
This time I’m not crying as I write this. I see that I don’t need to make my mark.

“You know...... Just one thing to be remembered by. God this is so fault in our stars.”
I don’t need to be remembered widely. Living in a few hearts is all I need.

“I'm not ready for this. Three weeks to do what? Sit here and rot away?”
I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready but everyday is a gift to live and enjoy.

“Sleep and say goodbye to everyone I care about. This isn't how life should work.”
Goodbyes will never get easier but they’re never forever and that’s how life should work.

“You're supposed to grow old with the man of your dreams and tell stories to your grandkids.”
I’m going to grow old with the love of my life and recall my glory days with them.

“To get married and run off with cans on the back of your car.”
I’m going to get married in an old church and drive off in a classic car.

“I haven't even gotten to go to prom and dance with the guy I like.”
Prom this past year was amazing. I’ve never felt more loved than dancing in his arms.

“Because I don't care what people think. I want to go to college and stress out about school and homework and tests.”
I could care less what people think. I’m going off to college next year. I’m stressed about applications, and homework, and papers.

“That’s what teenagers do. They don't have to worry about how long their going to live and if their best friend will come and say goodbye.”
That’s just what teenagers do. I’m lucky that I no longer have to worry about how long I’m going to live.

“They have two arms and two legs. They do sports and hang in groups.”
I’m missing one of my legs. I run track and play basketball. I see my friends most every weekend.

“They go to the mall and the skate park. They don't have to care about anything, but I can't help but care because I can't stand see someone suffer the way I have.”
We hang out at the mall and each others’ houses. We all care about something, we’ve all felt pain, and we all don’t want another to feel the pain we’ve had.

“I know things could be worse, but they could be better too.”
Things could always be worse, but they don’t get better than this.
A response to 15 year old me's poem "Me ranting and Crying about wanting what can never happen"
They can't cut out her sin
That will live inside her
Until her last breath,
Sure to come too soon
© LadyofRavenhill 2018
tye wilt Feb 26
I remember the weekends away—
I thought nothing of them until I grew older
and understood—
you needed time
or for yourself.

He was preparing
himself, I imagine, to
that long night
on the horizon.

I think of the hills in the
countryside where I would stay;
sudden, drops
from their glossy tops
to the bottom
near a mop of thorn and itch.

How I would stand at the top
and then fall,
catching my feet beneath me
at the last moment
and kick my feet
to race my fall and keep composure—

and I never won,
ending up atop the
splinters of grass that tangled
and intertwined each blade
into a cool bed of green over
the pale earth

and it would tickle
at the nape of my neck as I’d wonder
and think to move
but could not possess the will
to escape
the meaninglessness—
this memory
where the air is still fresh
and I am content.
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