i no longer wish to be exceptional. be boring. be ordinary. do not stand out. be real. be authentic. cleanse your mind and body and start over. it’s never too late to start over.

i only wish to exist, that’s all. it takes a lot of strength to exist when sorrow, disruption, and misery follow you around, swirling like a black fog that constantly engulfs you. it takes so much willpower to see through the fog that when i stumble out or gasp for breath, i realize that ordinary IS exceptional. to survive the absolute hatred of being forced to live, i only wish to exist, that’s all.

If you don't admit, you never did.

You can think and shout, to solidify yourself and enforce who you are and what to do. Or else you invite the liquidity of your progress.

I have an attention problem. And a reluctance to deal with things that hurt me.

I have an internet addition, an avoidance of confrontations, a lack of will to follow through. Am I air? Evade the senses that bother you. Coast and coast.

I write to hold myself in one spot. To put my focus and attention into the repeating letters I know in patterns that form the words I know. My function is to imitate and apply here to the best of my abilities. Machines can perfectly imitate and apply but it is the eyes of a person to perceive and feel.

I am the owner of the actions. I could possibly not own this paper or this pen, but I have paid my attention and actions into this. The fingers, wrist, eyes, tendons. I am the puppet master of this stringed body I inhabit. Without me, this body is a shell. Your life, moments and sense of self are precious.

I am cold, lonely and bored. My confidence in self hasn't been awarded so I don't try. Where are my rewards? Where are my victories? What do I want? Can I stop retreating to my slumber and solitude? Quietly and slowly existing.

I beg for freedom. To venture out. To see and touch the dark side of the sun. May that convey.

I exist
But dreams turn into dust
And every breath reminds me of last

I exist
But world is so blurry
Contained of hopes I had to burry

I exist
But there’s only blank space
That’s highlighting every wasted chance

I exist
But time turned into slow motion
I’m drowning in an endless ocean

I exist
Joyful dance, cheerfull smile
Did someone say I was fragile!?

I’m alright
Look at me
So delighted to exist

Existence is an ocean."



The body is a vessel, this life is a sea.

God brings the winds that fill its sails,

But it's captain is only me.

Other ships may come and fire against us

My crew may plot a mutiny,

If succeed they do, and if I lose

My ship goes down with me.



No one else will tell me how,

Or why, or what, or when.

Till the sea swallows us up,

And it's waters birth us anew.

Till I say good bye, the final time,

And sail those seas again.

Why is existing so exhausting?

Connecting starlight over rooftops,
Pleading to save my soul.
I look to the night sky to make me feel whole.
Perhaps it's the beauty
Or is it its presence?
When all else fails to be,
It is.

I was broken, and there you were existing.