I go to a party.
You ask to come along.
You join us, you make a mess, we leave and then return...
I try to help.
I always try to help.
I have to take you home, in the end.
You apologise profusely, but I deny your apologies.
I am happy to help.
I feel useful, for once.
Comforting friends is one of the few ways in which I manage to feel useful.
You get home safe.
I'm relieved.
But then she saddens...
She tries to laugh it off, as she says that she's not okay.
As soon as I let her know that it's okay to not be okay, she loses it.
I hold her.
I hold her so tightly.
I rub her arm and pull her body closer to mine.
She feels warm, but I can only imagine how cold she is on the inside.
I make an attempt, but I have no clue how to cheer her up.
If I'm honest, I don't think that she needs to be cheered up at all.
She needs to feel this pain.
She is so incredibly strong and I know that she should let herself feel it.
She needs to accept that it's over.
He's gone.
It's terrible, but he's ******* gone.
"It's sore, it's so sore," she tells me, through her sobs...
I pull her closer still.
I won't ever let her feel this hurt again.
I love her.
More and more friends gather around us and they all love her as much as I do.
As much as he should.
That ******* ****.
We cheer her up, temporarily, and she moves back onto the dancefloor.
They all dance and I go for some air.
They tell me that I am a man in their eyes.
I thank them, and I mean it, yet I can't help but feel sort of off...
I cherish their words, of course, but it shouldn't have to be like this.
I need a distraction.
Whether it be blood trickling down my arm, or smoke filling up my lungs, I want to **** it.
I want to **** this dysphoria.
This feeling of being wrong.
I'd love to feel right, for a change.
Why am I such an outcast?
I don't stand out, because no one sees me, but I definitely don't fit in...
I just want to be myself, inside and out, but I don't have the consent to do so.
They should've realised by now that this is what I need.
I need help.
I need more than just beautiful friends and family and alcohol and pain...
I need reassignment, not just reformation.
I need medical help, not just therapeutical.
I need love, not just care.
Love...
True love.
Sure, the thought counts, but I am in need of one ******* gesture.
One in particular.
I need it to be consensual.
You give me consent to kiss you.
I argue.
YOU DON'T WANT ME.
But you swear that you do.
"I don't want you to feel things," you admit, with tears flooding down your face.
Well, neither do I!
But I can't ******* help it.
I should really sleep, but now I need to feel things.
Something.
Anything.
Even if it is just the tears that I'm crying.
At least it's something.
But sometimes nothing is better than something.
I think we both need to remember that.
So forget your apologies.
I apologise.
I can't feel anything anymore...
I just want to feel euphoria.

Meeting friendly people, in knowing
That friendship was never an option here
Slow journeys, with heavy eyelids
Wondering when home will return
For home is not a location
But a mere fly on the wall

Hopeful fingers reaching out
Searching for more than we need
Greed exists within us all
Without denial, without a doubt
Hope, hope, hope...
Right beneath the surface

I sit back, listening to the morning songs and reminisce about how creative I once was
Not taking into consideration the way in which I live my life, day by day
Pushing the boundaries, breaking the binaries and bruising
Hoping that some day, alongside the sunshine, it will all end up okay

Stars amaze us...
There must be life somewhere else.
Possibly more than imaginable,
Yet possibly all illusive.
Big dipper, little dipper...
We're aging, still.
I wonder about you.
I apologise profusely.
I admit things that I shouldn't,
But not what I should.
Not yet, at least.
Tomorrow is exciting,
But yet to come.
Today is nice,
But wasting away.
I spend my life worrying.
Just calm down.
If anxiety were a super-power,
I'd be heroic by now.
I'd be Hurrisome Worrisome,
Except slow.
Don't test me,
For I may not pass.
I can not study for this.
Should we just leave it then?
You were closing the door,
Until I jammed my foot in it.
Let the sirens ring...
I'm not going anywhere.
Moths are drawn to the light,
But burnt on their arrival,
Like grim fireflies,
In the garden's glow...
Glass shatters.
My static scars shine through.
My starry stay continues.
Your eyes wander to the sky,
But mine remain locked on you.
*So where's the moon?

I am inferior... Semilunar, even. It's on nights like these that I can taste the stars. They shine almost as brightly as your eyes.

Your eyes continue to amuse me, to consume me... I suffocate, deprived of key elements of freedom.

A conscience says a lot about a person. Your conscience is as pure as gold. Why don't you bite down on me? See if I am authentic. I promise you that I am worthy. We are worthy.

The sky's teasing crescent is enough to push you to let go. You are so in love with the idea of a world beyond Earth. I can see a whole solar system in your eyes' smile.

You admit that this is a new kind of journey for you. It's a journey all the way through my mind. I'm aware that things are still a bit behind.

I guess now we are looking for more than just a shallow dip. We want deep water. We want the opportunity to drown.

You know, the only way to truly satisfy me would be to reveal your methods of survival... My favourite scent rolls off the tight knot that is your tongue. Cherries.

You dismantle my heart and then build it back up, by my side. You say that you love me and begin to cry. It is beautiful. The misery even surprises you. I see no teardrops.

Amongst others, we have to stay in touch with who we are... For there is no more than one person displayed in my shadow.

Because my body belongs to me. It is mine and mine only. It is a home. I invite you to come and sit by the fireplace... My heart is a fire... Your eyes are its flames.

He looks at me with such love
I see my reflection and hate it
Too insecure to understand
But, regardless, I appreciate it

He kisses me passionately
And, believe me, I kiss him back
But he makes no sense to me
And I can never keep on track

I am told that in order to love
Anybody, yes, anyone at all
I must first learn to love
Myself and embrace my flaws

I cannot do that, so please tell me
Is L.O.V.E. really impossible?
I have experienced so many things
My heart is simply irresponsible

And then
The young boy
Pushed through
And he fell
And he tumbled
But, somehow,
Managed to land
Higher than
He was before

He was sat upon
His own shoulders
Seemingly broader, now
And he grinned
Victoriously
About the man
That he would become
In the years
To come

One minute we were sitting down
The next our bodies were entwined
I rested my head on your chest
And I listened to your heartbeat

It was so fast...
And, in that moment,
I wanted to kiss you
I probably should have

But I thought that you didn't
Until you kissed my cheek
And my head spun and I blushed
And I didn't know what it meant

You said that you like what I don't
About myself, about my body
Complimenting my love handles
As you handled them yourself

You stroked my hair, gently
Exploring my broken body's pathway
But I overthought the situation
Concluding that it was platonic

Alas, looking back on it now
I was somewhat mistaken
I misread your not-so-subtlety
Even when you kissed my raw neck

I jumped away and told you off
I had to explain it all to you
I'd forgotten that you don't know me
As well as the others

But you are learning with every
Hold of my hand, stroke of my hair
You don't know what I did last week
And yet, I like it that way

You don't have to know it all
You'll know me in time, if you please
You tell me that I have soft lips
"So I've been told," I laugh it off

I don't often kiss bearded folk
But your moustache is not harsh
We joke about it further
And I kiss you again, goodbye

And I will not apologise

I am... undeniably attracted to you
Not necessarily every part, but I do
Lust for us and your brown eyes
Alas, this must come as no surprise

Just beware that when we quit
There is no winner, we both lose
Welcoming lips and fingertips
That we somehow did not choose

I don't know where to go from here
Has this gone on too long?
These feelings won't just disappear
Our chemistry is too strong

The girl who fell head over heels
And split her chin, that night
Can't help but leave me feeling torn
As this is wrong, but feels so right