5 years ago I wrote a poem with the exact title
desperate and hopeless
losing myself and I really don't know who I am

Some years I tried to seek the truth
about why am I like this
what happened to me
where did it go wrong
when did it happened
and who am I?

I seek proper medication
proper healing
burned a whole money bucks
but it worth it

with hundred things to avoid
thousand things to be lessen
some prescription things to be taken

now, today, may 18th
I got to feel the most normal birthday ever
I found her, vividly I saw her
in blue, grey, red, orange, and every dawn
in every scenery
I found her, happy
but maybe still feel a little pain
but at least she could control what she couldn't before
I lover her before
and I lover her after
I love you

it ain't easy

two lessons that I got
to reach out whenever you feel sad
and to be happy in secretive

Jakarta, 18 May 2022.

The stove tops warm
The chattering of dinner conversation fill the air
We would talk about our day, or something funny that we found

Sometimes our hands would smell like newspaper ink
from an article you shared
Or you would make fun of the chubby catfish in the tank

The food warms our hearts, no restaurant could compare
The softness of the rice reminds me of the softness of your heart
The vegetables remind me of your love
The meat and tofu remind me to stay strong
and that you are someone I can rely on

Friends may come and go
And all of us grow old
But your laughter at the dinner table
Is something my heart will always know

Because of you I smile with nonsense
I feel blessed to be here, and to hear the same old songs
Because of you I recovered pieces of trust that were lost in the track
Because you I get lost in time and with the rain drops find again my way to a state of calm
forever grateful

Don't go there, Kid
You need to breathe.
Don't want it too fast,
Time, it will pass.
My heart is sick,
Of the poison I'm feeding it.
I'm damnation, Incarnation
A weary soul,
bleeding for a better life.

Don't go there, kid
Hope, you still have it.
Cope, you can grab it.
Be grateful and stack it.
Mirrors crack, but you'll still survive.
And when all hell breaks loose,
Don't journey to the other side
Write it down, burn it.
And live.
God please live.
You've earned it.
In times of darkness,
the pain will thrive.
Through the night,
You're a gift in my eyes.
And tomorrow,
like today,
like tomorrow
the sun will rise.

It was a long day and now it's night,
you have lived 85 years with your hands held tight.

You have lived a life, provided light and
became many people's flower oh! so bright.

Many people didn't expect this moment, even I couldn't guess it.
But on this day forward, no promises can be made.
I know you dreamt of peace, peace within our family.
Forgive us all, because until the end only a new war was created.

Thank you for all battles that you fought for us,
the ones you won with us, thank you for being with us.

Today is your 31325th day in this vast world, with a long journey within your memories. With broken heart and scattered feelings,
with the cure of the ones who loved you and the wholeness of those you loved.

I know tomorrow might get better, but I'll just hold on to this pain
a little longer... as I wave goodbye and kiss you from afar, I was grateful to be by your side when I was able.

I was and still am! grateful of every inch of you grace and blessing.
It was hard seeing you in pain, though we know one day it'll come... but the bus just came too soon.

Lastly, we promise to achieve our dreams, to continue our passion.
To love our parents, to love our siblings, to love one another as it was your dream before the light turned green.

Farewell, my lola! It was an honor to serve you and love you!
it was an honor to be loved and supported by you.
We will still go on, move on, stay on the ground and
keep our heads high!

But fear not! we promise to bring you memories with us!
To keep your teachings, to appreciate your lectures
and to give our all, just like you did...
I love love love you with all my heart and soul!

Be grateful,
always love yourself every day.
Love your life now.
Be kind to everyone and to yourself.
Look around you,
and look at yourself now.
You have grown
to be a better person
than you were before.
You are a special person
and good people have surrounded you.
You are great.
Be grateful,
always do good to all,
also to yourself.
No need to think about things
that make you fall asleep with sadness,
you can definitely get through it.
Stay strong,
be strong,
you can.
You can do it.
You're a good and nice.
Be kind.
Be happy.
Show them your most beautiful smile.