The thought of drinking with them again makes me sick,
I had to wake up and say no.
The killing myself life long misery so quick,
The last bile in me was a blow.
Funny how life works things cared about so strong,
Sooner or later catches up.
Regret and pain knowing who I hurt for so long,
Pouring my life away in cup.
I always asked something selfish of the All High,
Never realising friendship had.
All I ask now is not even to say goodbye,
Thought of losing them makes me sad.
Keep them safe soul from poison God let me go first,
For I know and You know the pain before its worst…

I know I’m a disappointment—don’t say I’m not.
You gave me trust, and I let it rot.
I see it in your eyes, even when you smile,
That quiet hurt you’ve been hiding for a while.
You tell me it’s okay, but we both know the truth—
I’m the burden you carry, the bruise beneath the soothe.
I just wanted to make you proud,
but here I am—still failing you.
And in your silence—i fail myself too.

I hope to god that I go first
Because I wouldn’t know what to do without you
Because the thought of being without you is genuinely too painful
And a lifetime with you simply wouldn’t be enough
So I hope I go first
Because I know you’d be strong for our girls
Because I know that you’d be okay without me until I could see you again
Because I know that you’re a stronger person than me
But then
I hope you’re not far behind
Because you’ve told me you don’t want to be alone
Because I know how much you secretly love affection
Because I know that when the beds empty you get confused as to why I’m not there stealing the quilt or snoring
But if you do go first
Know that
I’d be counting the days until I saw you again
I’d get a dog to keep your side of the bed warm and wake me up with snores
I’d re watch supernatural to fall asleep to re live our memories
And I’d make sure that I’d stay strong for these girls

I tore my flesh off
Ripped off my muscles
To give to you
But when you asked
For my soul
You deemed me selfish
For refusing to let it go