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KJ Sep 24
I thought my heart was dead.
That I couldn’t feel affection for anyone,
not after everything he had done to me.

But then you came into my life,
so suddenly, I couldn’t see it coming.
I didn’t expect to like you.

I told myself I wouldn’t, or couldn’t, care for you.
You aren’t mine.
I don’t even know if you’re interested.

But thank you for reviving a part of myself
I thought I’d never see again.
Even if this is only a crush,

I’m glad my first was on you.
In a moment,
I saw anger flash behind your eyes,
and you grabbed me.
As if to shake all of the feelings you were feeling
into my being.
And as quickly as you let your fingers sink into my skin,
you stopped.
Because you knew.
You knew that if you continued,
your father would have been reborn.
Into your fingertips.
And you have always sworn that you would never become your father.
Amaris Jul 24
You gave me silken scarves and solitude
To weave my own bindings
You gave me surpluses of satin
Bandages for skin you broke
You gave me Swarovski accessories
As if it excused your absences
You gave me smooth apologies
A salve to my twisted fingers
The Spider Jul 18
I guess I find I'm not surprised
That all your words were filled with lies.
I just thought that you were perfect;
All this time that I deserved it.

All this time I pined for you;
And you didn't even love me true.
I had to find out about you secondhand,
and the taste of your specific brand.

I thought it would be shocking
to hear that you were **** talking.
Anxious about feeling the fury,
but all it did was humor me.

I don't feel anything anymore.
Anger, sadness, rage, all out the door.
It's not because I'm cold hearted.
It's just that now my heart's departed.

Broken, ******, battle scars;
Clearly we're not in the stars.
I will never love again,
For fear that they'll all be the same.
I will never speak your name again
****. I can't believe I made it,
my peace every night I prayed for it.
Yeah I was in love I thought I found the one,
Until the day came where I was completely done.
When the love stopped and the hate just begun.
Man I begged for the light I cried for my sanity,
I looked for the confidence I no longer had within me.
Blood drippin on the floor,
just hoping I could make it to the door,
Scars left inside that I just can't ignore.
They expect you to get over it fast,
but on god they don't know my past,
I really thought we was supposed to last.
They say when they show you who they are believe them the first time,
But I would shake it off and say I'm fine.
I'm not okay I'm not alright,
I never won cause I didn't wanna fight.
Most times I gave up just so you can be right.
****..
What happened to me??
Where accepting abuse was okay to me?
Where being myself was no longer allowed for me?
**** who am I supposed to be?
How did I get to a spot where I lost all reality?
****..
It's like it came to you almost naturally.
How could I be so blind,
How was it so easy for you to loose your mind,
.. ****..
I guess your love was never really mine.
I played the fool to your messed up game,
Never again will I fall in love the same.
I wrote this when I was in a physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive relationship. Abusive relationships can mentally destroy a person and it destroyed me for years. Even after it was over. If you are in an abusive relationship PLEASE GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN. Some people don't make it out and it's really sad. I almost didn't. No abuse is okay whether it's physical or not. Get help, tell someone, do whatever it takes to leave because your life is worth more, trust that.
I wonder if the person inside is still there,
I wonder if they still care.
Does she still love..?
Does she still speak to the man above...?
Is she just as alone ? Or has her heart turned to stone?  

Questions.
Their confusing, answers change.  Questions.
Mostly amusing, mostly strange.

They take your mental to hell.
I wonder what will break the spell..?
Love, was it real? Was It fake?
Im not sure how much of this I can take.
Are you safe? Are you okay?
Do you struggle through the night to  last another day?  
Each night, where is it that you lay your head?
Each night, Is someone else besides me, holding you instead?
Do you cry for me? Do you still feel the love from when we used to "be"?
No longer are we a "We". That is killing me, can't anyone see?

Questions.
Nothings Changed my answers are still the same..
Do you agree or was I just a piece of the game?

I ask the man above,
That one day he'll bring me back your love.
I'm tired of all these questions with no answers to 'em.
**** I miss you, I'm back to old surroundings, I ain't accustomed to 'em.
Waking up not to feel your arms wrapped around me..
Going to bed without hearing your voice speaking you love me.
If the situation was different, would we still be together, going strong?
Will our love continue to grow and move along?
Or did it end just the same? With the sad love song..?
I dunno where to go I dunno who to trust.
Your the only one I want and without you I feel my heart about to bust.
I need to hear your voice as I did before.
I need to feel your touch, that still to this day, I adore.
I love you and I dont take that lightly.
I wont speak the words loosely  and letting go is highly unlikely.
Im loosing my mind...
I refuse to believe your love wasnt mine.
One day you will feel it.
One day you will see it,
One day you will know that we can still be it.
We can still be us you just have to come back.
I'll provide you the things you now lack.
I would bring you the world just to put the smile on your face.
Since you been gone I promise noone has taken your place.
Noone has been in your space.
I'm writing you a poem with the question in my head,
Wondering if your alive or dead..?

My mind, my enemy, feel my worry, feel me...

Im standing on a ledge,
Nothin blocking the edge.
My emotions run so deep,
all I want is sleep.
Sick stomach, head pounding.
I feel myself drifting, I need some grounding.
Will you come back?
I wish I knew where you was at..
Questions with no answers its still mind-blowing.
After its said and done, My love, I'm still not tired of showing.
Come back to me.. I promise you will see..
I am still the person you wanted me to be.
Do you feel me?
This was in a time when I was in an abusive relationship and I still felt like I was the problem. That even when weeks would go by of not hearing from this person I felt broken. It's crazy how manipulated I was. If you are in an abusive relationship please GET OUT. You are worth so much more. Please leave the situation while you can. Some people don't make it out..
Ella Aug 5
account total: $1912.92

i already work a 9 to 5
to pay my rent and cigarette cravings
that pops kernels in my chest
and burns my knees
but that pain
was a needle's *****
compared to not having you
by my side

of course
love was more than pocket change
so i bought you a plane ticket (-six hundred dollars)
and the fastest booked train ticket (-ten dollars)
to see you

on our date
we had sushi (-twenty five dollars) and drank merlot (-twelve dollars)
our intoxication engulfed the best of us
and we made love in the back of my chevy until the morning hit

our souls intertwined
to be one being
after work
i used to buy you flowers (-eight dollars)
tied with ribbons
that matched your favorite yellow sweater

some nights
our stove light would burn away and need repair (-three hundred and twenty dollars)
so we would bus down edgewood road (-four dollars and forty-two cents)
to get ourselves takeout at seven pm (-fifteen dollars)
then sit on a bench in the mall while we licked ice cream off our fingers (-six dollars and fifty cents)
i would reach into my coat
and light a cigarette from the pack (-nine dollars)
for us to share

we used to sit and talk about life
the drugs we tried
the theories of aliens that roamed the galaxies
our passion and sadness
rolled into one blunt of conversation
that we used to occasionally share in highschool

if life gave me lemons
i would buy you an orchard to pass-through
i would buy you your favorite shampoo (-fourteen dollars)
and watch the suds crawl down your back while i brushed my teeth
every tuesday morning

we would make breakfast from last night's grocery shopping (-one hundred thirty-two dollars)
and listen to the sounds of the city
that shouted outside our 2 bedroom apartment
that only i pay for
and it caused us to stay awake and scream until we numbed the burning in our lungs with the sounds of *******
trying to find the music in all this anger
for i couldn't feed you the foods you wished to dine upon
or fetch the duvet you hoped to be sprawled whoreishly upon our fading mattress that smushed our boxspring

but sometimes
the *** wouldn't help
and you would come home with wads of one-dollar bills
crumpled up in your pockets
and it makes me wonder if my love no longer sells for you
sometimes
our anger spills in copious drops of alcohol (-37 dollars)
and crashes into shards of fine (-300 dollar) china my mother bought to brighten the rooms
sometimes
i find myself waking up to an empty bedside
with you curled up on my couch with hair knotted on your head
and (-10 dollar) mascara staining your face like coffee flowing from the lips of my ***

because i don't have enough money to give to soothe your soul
for loving you is a fortune
that turned dollars into pocket change to drop on the streets

and the bank came in with a statement that fined you the money you owed my account
so you packed your (-400 dollar) suitcases and fled with the glass of my heart still pricked within your palms
and the receipts of cash licking my doorstep clean

because loving you is expensive

account total: $10
i want just one day
where i’m alive
and you aren’t.
or where you’re in jail
and i’m feeling the warmth of the sun.
i just want one day
where i don’t have to be scared
of you
anymore.

// q.h.
June 27, 2019
i hate punishing other people
for the hell you gave to me
all because they share your name.
i know they aren’t you, they’re good people,
but i can’t help but feel uneasy about it.
i hear your name and it rings in my head.
it takes me back to where i was
when i knew you, when i cared about you,
when you lied to me, when you ruined me,
and it brings the sinking feeling in my stomach
and the pain in my chest that i once felt
all over again.
i feel the familiar and dark shades of gray all over again.
i feel the dullness all over again.
i feel the fear all over again.
i feel the weight on my shoulders all over again.
i feel the pain in my soul all over again.
i feel the coldness in everything all over again.
i feel the putrid disgust all over again.
i feel the disconnection from myself all over again.
i feel the anger all over again.
i feel my guard go up all over again.
i feel the distaste in my all over mouth.
i feel the burning in my veins all over again.
i feel your radiating hate all over again.
when i hear those four letters
it takes me back to where i was
where my youth and sense of safety
was forcefully stolen.

- you forever ruined your name for me

// q.h.
June 27, 2019
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