I fell for you like an autumn leaf,
but you never really admired me.
You just went all over me,
Crunch crunch crunch.

Now I am the flower of the spring,
and here you are.

But it’s too late
For the season has changed.
I am no longer falling,
but blooming

I forgive you for hurting me.
I forgive you for lying to me,
for betraying me,
for leaving me all alone,
and for ignoring me.
I forgive you
Because hating you hurts.
The memories are like anchor holding me back
Thinking about you.
That time just makes my
Wounds sore,
Brain bruise,
Heart heavy
and the poison in my veins
is hurting me.
So I forgive you.
I know the poison will leave slowly,
so I forgive you to heal me.
I’ll let go of the grudges
To find peace.

I heard the lines you never said.
I care for you,
but not as much I do for her.
I love you,
but not as much as I love her.
For I was the girl that could never make you happy
as much as her smile simply did.

I kept it in;
the words,
the pain,
the sea lapping against the **** walls
constantly urging to spill.

But I silenced the crashing waves,
muted my voice box
while it was hurting me.

I was internally raging and bleeding
but there were no bruises,
scars or lines for you to read.
Just a plastered smile on my face
while I was sulking internally.

I was choking on the words within me
Hoping my feelings would drown
Hoping that I would forget
But I never did.

They lived
ebbing and flowing through my veins
Making me feel Inhibited and limited
Till it broke open and rained down.

No one could see
Till the day tears started to roll down my cheeks
And that's when everything started
to come down as ashes
words and bullets.

“I’ll get over you”
I whisper to myself through the nights
memories haunt me
and your voice that taunts me.

But there are tears on my pillow,
tears on the ground.

My tears flow like the ocean,
dripping in slow motion,
scraping my skin
and bringing me down to my knees.

I find myself turning into a storm,
howling like the wind.
Clutching my heart
as though it was ripped apart.

I am unable to escape from the pain and ache
The constant search for your face
in the passing cars and soaring clouds.

My breath is stolen and gut twisted
at the sight of someone similar to you,
face turning to the side your name is called.

When will these feelings end?
When will I escape
from the shadow
that lurks in my mind and heart?

The loss that ran deep,
breaks open through resonating heartbreaking songs.

But I know the pain will wash out
and you will leave me
like a distant memory.

I’ll pick myself up
and won’t be feeling blue.
I know I’ll find love again
if I start loving myself.

I feel like an unsolved rubiks cube;
higgledy-piggledy.
Indecisive and confused,
Chaotic and muddled,
Vague and hazy.

Tongue twisted is what I feel
When someone asks;
for I can not say
anything for sure .

I am lost in the galaxy,
wandering through the forests -
I don’t know what path to take
to reach the destination set for me.

Oblivious to what I want
or what to do,
everything feels
unsure and unsteady
“It’s just a phase” is all I say .

For one day I will know,
the floor will not be unsteady
and it will be clear.

For I hold on to the hope
that one day
the rubiks cube will be solved

Peace and Tranquility is what existed before you came
But you stepped in once more
Making my heart create chaos with every rapid heartbeat
Leaving me indecisive between my fragile heart and wise mind every step of the way
You leave me ambivalent, conflicted, entangled within a cobweb of emotions and thoughts
Contradicting one another and tearing me apart

Inhale,
love, compassion and kindness.
Inhale,
care, positivity and happiness.
Your soul needs it’s replenishment,
before you exhale it out as others encouragement.
So sow and grow fields of flowers,
flourish, bloom and bathe in the sunlights nourishment.
Then give, give and give.
For what we give,
enriches us as well, from day to day.

An integral trait
that protected and built
in her, withers.
Curses slowly slithers
off her tongue
leaving her soul stung,
for she swore never to say
on any day.

Reputation tarnished;
label faded;
mind polluted,
for she no longer felt demure
and pure.

Enticed by the modern world;
contamination injects,
mutating and leaving her
not able to recognize herself.
For now she stares in the
restroom mirror,
shedding tears
over her shedding skin.

Talking to you
when I felt weird,
makes me feel insane and crazy.

Talking to you
when I am sad
makes me feel I am sensitive and emotional.

You made me feel all this in the worst of ways,
because I met someone who,
when I was crazy, was crazy with me.
When I was sad, they understood me.

In their acceptance I found who I was
and embraced myself for who I am.

Your tone was like a blade,
that skimmed her skin.
Your words had cut deep,
stabbed her heart;
scarred her soul
and embedded itself into her memory,
playing like a loop in her head.
For your words are now ghosts that hunt her
in the darkest of times,
making her sweat smell like terror.

Amongst the forgotten,
at the back of one's mind.
In the corner of the room
I sat there with my head in the book,
blending with the shadow and air.

My love invisible,
thoughts indecipherable,
words soft to be heard
and clothes made of invisible thread;
I felt I did not matter.

Not my emotions,
nor my words
or my vote
for my presence was as good as my absence.

I want to pick your brain for lunch to discuss the ongoings in this world and your views on controversial topics. I want to talk about the various books you read, the various shows and movies that entertain you. I want to know more about your beliefs, what appeals, riles, fascinates and triggers you. I want to know what makes you glow and dim. to watch you paint with different hues, form various constellation and explore the black hole of unexplored matter. I want to converse about the uncanny topics and the stigmatized ones. To know more about the philosophy, biology and chemistry of your existence and this world. I want to know about the intricacy, profundity and complexity around rather than keep to the surface topics.

A ocean,
an urge
A waterfall all ready to pour out.
But not a single drop trickles down.

It's all in
drowning
and swimming;
gasping
and breathing ;
emotional
and impulsive.

I am crying words,
but there are no tears.

Every day you stay,
it becomes tougher to get out.
Each day you stay,
you become more comfortable with being alone.
With each day your fear grows,
and it becomes harder to take that step.
Each day consumes you,
and you become further away from this world.
So take the chance,
while you still have and
save yourself.
Take the first step,
for now that's all that matters
and the rest will follow.

Here comes the friend who calls, to use me.
Here comes the friend who plans, to ditch me.
Here comes the friend who messages, to lie.

You don’t matter no more
For I no longer want be hurt any more.
So take your pain
that you wrap as presents,
Because I no longer want it no more.

Don’t you keep calling me babe any more
Don’t keep calling me your best friend any more
For it no longer means anything no more.

Because these words
are just labels that mean nothing anymore.

Nothing matters anymore
No one understand me no more
So leave me
Desert me
Lie to me
Ditch me
Use me
Betray me
It no longer matters to me anymore.

I wanted you to stay
and not to be scared away.

Just tell me you would still be my friend
if I ever where to go batty, loony
weird, crazy or delirious.

Tell me you would still be by my side
if I were to send hour long of voice notes,
text messages dictating stories
and emotions flowing out like a waterfall.

Tell me you would still care
if I were to become a extra version of myself,
feeling more sensitive and deep than my usual self.

Tell me you you wouldn’t judge me by your eyes,
rumor me away by your tongue.

I wanted you to tell me,
and actually mean it.

I drank poison
of hate and resentment tonight.

I wonder whether my eyes
will be tumid tomorrow
of all the tears that were shed
and glow with malevolence
or wouldn't event want to lift an eyelid.

I wonder whether my
tongue will spew the vile remaining
or it wouldn't even utter a word.

I wonder whether my muscles will
fulminate with the energy of hate
or it would be too heavy to get off
bed tomorrow.

I wonder if my mind will be raging
tomorrow or would've drowned and
been dissolved by the venom coursing through me.

I wonder as I slip into sleep.

Talking about others,
trying to invoke jealousy
in hearts of one another
To see if we still care.

Hopes and dreams
are soft and fragile
as the petals above.
Bathing and blossoming
in the radiating warmth,
love and happiness
of the sun.
But attached to these
fragrant petals
are thorny stems
the one needs to climb
to bathe and breathe
the intoxicating and enriching aura.

Her stained thoughts manifest
as reckless voice that
critiques and confines.

Her words jars authenticity
and snubs their narrative,
cooked from their perspective,
and experience.

Flames of disapproval,
burn brighter with every beat
as incompetency bites
and acceptance withers.

She captures snapshots,
and confines them into
stereotyped framed
of idiosyncratic value.

But steadily,
as she delayers,
scrubs the scrutiny of judgements
of her thoughts, and emotions —
she steps off the battleground
of others skin
and becomes the change of creating
a embracing society.

The soft and delicate kindness
shining so bright in the darkness
as though it was the moonlight
calming all the sadness.

Kindness,
seeping through smiles
traveling miles,
as though it were the moonlight.

Kindness,
the one mistaken as weakness
when it is actually the fiery courage,
that wraps one soul like a blanket.

Kindness,
the reflection of the magnanimity of ones soul
and compassion in their action.

- Beautiful Sensitive Soul

In the ocean, when I sink
Pull me up, but not out
Let me learn how to swim,
stay with me patiently
till our skin wrinkles.

On the battlefield,
let me fight,
for I don’t need a knight in shining armor to save me,
but an army to fight along with me.

Let me explore the depths of the ocean and cave,
Let me see the shades of emotions;
from dawn to dusk that reflects on the sky.

Let me sway with the breeze
and sail turbulent waves.
let me be, but don’t let me go.

She sat there with her rusty voice box, a  drought on her tongue and a pen aching to flood the pristine sheet with blue ink.
She poured pain into words of refuge and tucked the love etched memories into words.
She wrote to the ones she loved, who made her heart beat ever so intensely. For who rooted her strengthening her spine with courage. For the ones who betrayed, abandoned and hurt making her swallow sorrows whole on empty stomach.
She undressed her truth as she painted shades of past, resurfacing the suppressed from the dustiest parts of her mind, reigniting the dying embers. As she wrote thoughts screamed to be heard, memories weeped to be replayed as she crafted sentences, paragraphs, beginning and ends, sunrises and sunsets; the breathing of her heart allowing her to feel a sense of relief.
But she never sent them, for they were riskier to be read by them than to be tucked safely away.

Passions, pleasure now feel like a chore,
making my life a bore
and my mind sore.
Tick, tock
Time is valuable
panic rises,
for there is a mental rigid routine to abide by.
But now my soul wears a dress,
which is stress.
Watching shows, self care and reading books
which once upon a time used to be relaxation,
have now become a cross off a to do list.
Losing interest in my mundane life,
I find my breath meaningless,
waking up pointless and have  
life just drag my corpse with time.
There are mountains;
burdening my mind and scraping my heart.
A soul of a robot is what I have,
except that I have a voice that complains
and ears that hear commands,
creating havoc on my mood and mind.
All what I loved, became
‘have to’ and ‘should do’,
a daunting tasks
requiring more effort than it did before.
Life seem drudgery and draining to wake up to.

But It was all about approach and perception.
Digging deeper with why,
I found reasons and meaning behind my life.
It was about relishing in the process,
rather than completing them.
In the errands for others; I searched for joy of my own.
Unleashing creativity in daily mundane activities,
it did not seem robotic no more.
Rediscovering happiness and enthusiasm,
making it interesting by sharing and snapping,
I set lose from the chains of my routine by reinvigorating spontaneity.
For what felt like burden, wasn’t meant to be felt like a burden.

I am losing myself
Everything is
crumbling
shattering
snd scattering.

Masks are coming off
Truth is coming to light.
Fake ones start to claim their identity
and people are leaving,
the ones I thought wouldn’t leave.

The light escapes me
and dull colors swift past me.

I have lost my care
I have lost my love
Lost my innocence
And lost my guilt.
Everything that made me, me
Is now gone.

So tell me,
is it me who you’re looking for?
Because that girl is breathing no more.

Maybe our past version
could never make it work.
Maybe they weren't meant to be.
They knew to little
and felt too much.

But now that we've picked up
our broken pieces
and rebuilt ourselves.

Reconnected with ourselves.
Changed, grown
and matured.

I wonder if it is meant to
be between these two
evolved souls.

So maybe, we are glow sticks,
that need to break to glow.

So maybe, we are caterpillars
who digest themselves during metamorphosis,
to transform into a butterfly.

So maybe, we are stars
that need to collapse
in order to shine brightly.

So maybe, we need to breakdown,
to pick up the pieces and cast ourselves
as someone different.

So maybe, we need to shed
to become a better version.

So maybe, all this
crumbling
breaking
collapsing
was never a destruction
but a birth to something beautiful.

Frozen memories start to melt,
allowing my past to be relived all over again.
Then comes the wave in motion,
drowning me in my emotion.

My feelings live on,
because of the memories.
I keep feeding them,
by constantly replaying it in my mind.
You are alive within me.
because of the fragments of memories
I made you from.
You are alive within me,
because I kept you unintentionally
and intentionally.

Mental illness is rising
Psychologists' career are blooming
Social media is redefining
Making it a beautiful suffering

Sadness has become boring
Misery has become enchanting
Scar has become beauty
Grief has become engaging
Depression has become alluring

Emotions have become art
Heartbreak has become a heart-wrenching song
Pain has become poetry
and mental illness has become a edgy-trending label.

When did they start to disguise agony behind such beauty?

Mental illness is rising
psychologists's career are booming,
social media is redefining
making it a beautiful suffering.

Sadness has become boring,
misery has become enchanting.
Scars have become beauty,
grief has become engaging
and depression has become alluring.

Emotions have become art,
heartbreak has become a heart wrenching song.
pain has become poetry
and mental illness has become
edgy-tending label.

When did they start to disguise agony
behind such beauty?

Mind block feels like a curse,
for it is an empty purse of ideas.
Because as an artist,
you are broke.

You were lying,
I was believing.
You were deceiving,
I was trusting.
You were pretending,
I was loving.
You were manipulating,
I was falling.

A web of thoughts in my mind
Coursing emotions in my veins;
Leave me indecisive about the action to take.

I try to find a balance
only to discover myself in a tug of war
between the impulsive-fragile heart
and logical brain.

Doubt, chaos and fear
Overpower certitude, tranquility and confidence
Leaving me feeling ambivalent
about my thoughts and emotions
that overplay and overstay.

Because
If I don't act in accordance to my mind,
I face consequences.
If I don't abide by my heart,
I remorse.
If proven wrong,
I criticize myself.

Web of thoughts in my mind
Flow of emotions in my veins
Leaving me indecisive about the action to take.

I try to find a balance,
only to find myself in a tug of war
between my impulsive-fragile heart and wise brain.

Incertitudes, chaos, doubt, and fear
overpower certitude, tranquility, trust, and confidence.
leaving me ambivalent about my thoughts and emotions
overthinking and overanalyzing.

Because if I don't act accordance to my mind,
I face consequences.
If I don't abide by my heart,
I regret.

People are here.
I reach out deep within
to the place of various hue and vibrancy
to paint it in the air and on me
but that place is empty.

I feel the ebbing flow
of venomous pain in my veins.
I feel the thoughts like bullets to my brain,
the emotions crashing down like turbulent waves.
I see the scars
rawer than before.
So here I am,
listening to music
louder than before.
Painting my heart
with more colors than before,
because it all hurts more than before.

The pain rots and sheds,
as it smoulders her bones
and burns her skin third degree.

Loss and jealousy enwrap
her scorched heart into ashes,
while lava flows off her tongue
as it promises vengeance.

She becomes a vortex of emotions
engulfing her own life,
dwelling in the
merry go round thoughts.

Until she picks up the pen
and tucks the rage and ache
within the 26 alphabets
stringing words,
to sentences to paragraphs.

Ashes and embers stain the paper
as they ebb, blot and flow,
crafting the cathartic relief
until the paper stains darker
than the shades of her mind.

The blues that would pour,
become the budding flowers
in her chest.

She remodifies
cobblestones into steppingstones,
amplifying her narrative.

She tosses the losses
into words
and crosses beyond the horizon.

A candle flame burns deep
inside her solar plexus
as she transmogrifies the shards into a mosaic;
the strings of the web she was entangled in
weaved into embroidery to embellish her soul.

The cries and lies,
made her wise
as she built from the same sorrows
she was drowning in.

She put her ache on cadence
and turned up a brain wavelength.

She finally found her salvation
from abandonment
a dive deep and wide into
the depth of introspection
pulling from the cronies and nooks
the parts built and undiscovered.

She armed herself with
empathy fueled passion
as she has burnt, learnt
and learn to yearn the better
while she steers forward
with a transfigured mindset.

For the people who came,
now leave as poems.

I have a voice
behind this tongue
that is quiet and sky
and knotted in my throat.

I have a voice
that whispers to me
but i fear to amplify,
for you see it reflects on who am I.

I fear of what they might think,
as it is not an attempt at speaking
but an insight to my perspective,
and thoughts
allowing them to know and judge.
It's a fear I dread to face,
that consumes me everyday,
I don't face.

I have a voice,
its mine
and I don't want it to be
muted by people
and neither fear.

I have voice,
that it is all mine,
that I will amplify.

For it is a part of
who I am, my opinions
my thoughts,
I choose for it not to be taken away,
neither suppressed.

I give it a platform,
a channel,
and courage
to let it speak
its very own language.

Liberating me
with every syllable it lets slip.

There are days when negativity seeps in,
draining your energy
turning your mind into a battlefield
making your heartache
stealing your happiness with haste
breaking your self esteem
fading away your belief
festering your mood
and stamping out your light
to leave you parched-desecrated soul
with venomous whispers slithering from cell to cell
cracking and wounding your heart
leaving your mind toiling in negativity.

These are the days you hold onto words
to keep yourself together
and let go of words to express yourself.

You try embracing positivity,
focusing on yourself
and pursuing your passions.
You try to hold on to what
and who make you feel better.

Once upon a time
They used to be lost in woods
But now they are lost in their thoughts.
Once upon a time
They used to drown in oceans
But now they drown in their own thoughts.
Once upon a time
They used to be stabbed by their enemies
But now they hold the blades to their skin.
Once upon a time
They used to be bullied by the bullies
But now they are bullied by their minds.
Once upon a time
They used to pray to live
And now they pray to die.

Shut mouth,
mute voice,
bruised mind,
scarred body,
fearful heart,
invaded privacy,
numb skin,
tear welling eyes
and invalid soul.
This is what you made
me feel by just one touch.

Once upon a time
I was sweet, soft and bright
Now I am dry, hard and dark
When did I stop looking at the sky,
chasing the warm sensuality
and start slouching to the ground.

Hue and texture are no longer the same,
my thorns have been magnified
with the petals of my love
crumbled and withered away.
I am no longer the same.

With her jagged edges she stands,
gazing upon the connection between the well versed,
as her language remains misunderstood,
dark and chaotic.

Her edges are sharp,
and grooves are too deep.
The rhythm of her heart
& blood pulsation
feel out of orbit.

An outsider,
an outcast
trying to jam to fit in puzzles;
blunting her edges,
painting herself with different hues to blend.
Yet within she is out of tune.

It is true pain changes people.
But you know what pain also does;
it hurts you,
it breaks you,
it drains you,
it disconnects you from the
people around you at times.

It sometimes makes you feel
like giving up on your life.
But maybe that's just a phase.

Maybe we have to break to heal.
Maybe we have to fall to rise.
Maybe we give up to fight.
Maybe we have to make mistakes to learn.
Maybe we have to tear to be courageous.

Maybe we have to go through chaos to find peace.
Maybe we have to feel weak to be strong.
Maybe we have to get messed up before we step up.
Maybe going down was a part of the plan of rising
up once again better.

Pain brings out the worst,
the best and sometimes
it is just different.
And you get to choose
who you get to cast yourself as.

You get to pick up those pieces
and place them the way you want to be.
Sometimes it isn't bad, it isn't good,
it's just different.
And that's alright.

Her pain dissolves into fear,
her hurt dissolves into anger
and bitterness seeps through cracks
in her clenched fists
as she expels her anger
upon others.

She is hurting,
her anger swells
as she dwells
even when she knows
she should not,
but oh well.

Regret is what follows,
after pain is swallowed -
the consequences of her action.

She wants someone to listen,
yet does not tell anyone.
She wants to be helped,
but accepts no one's hand.

My heart is pacing
thudding against my ear drums
like I just ran a marathon.

I feel nauseous and light.
Breathe
But somehow this word doesn't seem to make a difference.
Breathe
But no sir seems to find a way into my lungs.
Breathe
But somehow all I find myself is being a sympathetic nervous system.
With self doubt crashing
and enveloping me.

My hands are trembling with
jittering nerves passing underlyingly.
Somehow nothing is soothing
Or calming me.

Invisible people
Figment of my imagination
Borrowed in my subconscious
touching and reaching
grabbing and pulling
whispering and fueling
Fear and doubt
Insecurities and pain
Every second
Of every day.

Their whispers
perforates my self-esteem
withers my self-belief
deteriorates my self-image.

My mind feels like a battlefield
A constant fight of not caring
of what they think
or say.

For there are days
When I set my mind
In to prioritizing my moment
passion, purpose, fun, and life
And not care.

But some days
they encroach into my mind
Seep through the cracks
Diffuse between the synapses
firing terror.

Letting me stare once more
at my own abyss.

You are calling
and I just keep staring
frozen
my heart resonates
to the vibration of the ringing phone.

My eyes are hazzy
My mind is fuzzy
I don't know what to say
For I fear I will make a fool of myself
leaving to end the conversation
on an awkward note.

The call ends
I breathe
to calm my nervous nerves.

I call back
only to find myself stutteringg
and being overly conscience
with every word I say
dreading to have called
as the call ends.