Pick it up
Bring back old times
Talk of new
Remember the friendship
That continually grew
Talk for hours
Talk of old friends
That you may miss
Now the bill is increasing
It's time to go
There will be more times
To say hello
For it is no big task
To make a call
Just pick up the phone
That hangs on the wall
I constantly call them up
and cut before
they can reach their phone.
I have so much to tell them
but the voice,
it has nothing to say now.
I really want to communicate
the hurt I felt,
but really they do not deserve that.
It has always been my problem
and they were part
that had shaped it certain way.
Maybe it was destiny playing its part,
karma leaving its mark,
or me just moving with the dark.
I leave yet another miss call,
and switched my phone off.
Need to ask a question,
Not afraid of the answer,
But my soul tends to feel,
Not getting it is for the better,
Is there an end to this hell we go through?
I never thought that the one to break me is you,
Surrounded by faith,
Provoked by snakes,
They come pretending to be friends,
When in reality they make you faint,
Just hear my voice and focus on what it says,
Because it never once spoke out in vain,
I can't believe that I'm falling apart,
The ones behind this are closest the most,
I need to know is there an end to heal my mind,
I need to cure this broken thing we call our heart,
It's never too far to feel the hate,
Coming from within it makes it so hard,
And when I close my eyes I see my life.
So just close yours and focus on mine,
We need to know is this worth the fight,
We need to also master this sort of art,
We grieve alone, it's so insane,
I came tonight, looking for a way,
I want out, this is just too much,
I can't withstand, it's just so hard,
We feel a knife through the heart,
We need to die just to feel alive,
Our suffering ends when we fall apart,
If not we go right to the start.
I'm sitting there on the train,
on my way home.
I get a phone call from my ex-step mum who previously terminated all contact with myself following a court case involving my father. She told me to not contact her and that my little brother and sister will be having no contact with me whatsoever. So you can imagine my surprise receiving this phone call...
I pick up, I'm accused of 'doing over' her car and her husbands van, she expresses how she'll be pissed if its me.
As I said, I was on my way home, I'd been out of county all week.
Following this call, I was in tears- I haven't heard her voice in over two years and she was such a large part of my life and she ripped that away, leaving me raw and bleeding.
So can you imagine the pain I was feeling?
Why do these people think I'm such a monster? I'd never do such a thing.
Do you know how hard it is people thinking you are such a cruel person, because it's truly heart breaking.
Imagine being part of a family, a family that's taken you in, made you their own, they buy you daughter cards for your birthday and you are part of all the family celebrations. Then imagine, after 4 years you finally find the courage to speak out and tell your story about what happened to you, the abuse you suffered from your father. But as soon as you tell your therapist, you are told you cannot say anymore because now an investigation opens up. Then imagine this, your step-mum is engaged to someone new, lets call him Thomas, Thomas is adopting your younger siblings and they said they'd adopt you if they could but they simply cannot afford it and you bravely say (at the age of 13), that you'd rather go into foster care and know you can see them often without that pressure then put them through it. Now your step-mum is planning her wedding, you're supposed to be her bridesmaid. This family are your world.
But now imagine, receiving a text saying that your step mum is terminating all contact with you, without even speaking to you, allowing you to explain. No, she doesn't believe you.
Two years later, she's married, you weren't invited to the wedding. Their two little ones of whom they classed as your siblings, have now grown and you haven't seen the littlest since she was a tiny baby. You haven't seen the extended family, you haven't seen your little brother and sister. Even their nan who classed you as her granddaughter slowly drifted away and no longer returns your calls.
Imagine all of this and now you feel like a monster, you lost everything trying to speak out and protect other children.
Imagine losing your whole world and trying to rebuild yourself, but each day you battle so many knock backs.
How on earth do you keep going?
How do you still feel love and compassion after receiving so much hate?
Now do you understand the trauma of this phone call. How badly it triggered me, knowing people you love so much think you are a monster, think you are capable of lying in a court of a law, capable of damaging property.
I am innocent and I wish people could see, I'd never do such awful things. Stop living in denial and open your eyes, I'm telling the truth. Please stop hating me.
Imagine having experienced such great abandonment- would you still be ok?
That time when you were calling.
You were talking, I was just listening.
Random thoughts you were saying.
Throughout, we were both laughing.
You said your hands were shaking.
And I asked if you were okay.
You and all of these little things.
So much to tell, words I couldn't say.
I felt a little bad after you hung up.
You said hearing me laugh is enough.
You comforted me same as always.
You'll wait even if it takes days.
Roughly a month from that day,
We planned to do it again.
Three sentences as promised.
And that chance was not missed.
At first I hung up so many times.
You were patient until I got it right,
finally had the courage to say hi.
We never wanted to say good bye.
We called that phone call a date.
We did that for two weeks straight.
And I guess now we are addicted,
To hearing each other's voice as predicted.
We took it one step at a time.
Now I can't let a day pass by,
Even just to hear you for a while.
I love you and this is one reason why.
i have nine days
before i leave
the only place
that i’ve called home.
to say goodbye
to the only people
that i’ve called family.
until i begin
the beautiful thing
i can call
I can hear your heart
with love and passion,
calling my heart that is so vulnerable;
a heart that is so long
for being loved,
but yet too afraid of
being hurt and betrayed.
I can hear your heart
with the love that can make
the earth and the sky
conspire to grow the flowers
on the forgotten garden.
I can hear your heart
And the same love and passion
are already vividly here, by the way.
But my vulnerable heart
still doesn't have enough courage
to answer your call...