6.4.18 //
They say misery loves company
I never once asked for the seat beside
Me to be filled
Palms drenched
While spotted digits
Poke and prod at my privacy “No rights, no voice”
Assuming “my place” in “your home”
False prophets, empty words
Kneeling for a man
Who refuses to acknowledge my pulse
I told you not to lay a hand on my body
“Dress down” “Smile”
Forced “Back where you belong”
Razor tongue, I’ve grown tired
Of running in place
Unable to stand my ground
They say dead men tell no tales
But the women always do
So as a siren does
I grow fond of your demise
And grin amongst the wreckage
Amanda Jun 4
Used to tell me you loved me
Used to talk to me every day
But last time we talked you couldn't
Recall the date of my birthday

I remember I could call you
Each time I needed to vent
Now I don't know what to say and I
Worry I will sound incompetent

Used to hate being away from me
Used to have all of your heart
But you decided you would rather be
Alone so we were forced to part.

I remember you looked at me
I could read how you felt in your eyes
But now you are sraring at me like
I am someone you don't recognize

You lit my world for an instant
Burned out like a shooting star
You used to be my best friend, my other half
Now I don't even know who you are
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Hear the phone is ringing, singing beeps
While clinging the phone, swinging your legs
My family has a lot of reasons to call the doctors, my Mother suffers with COPD, my Father himself isn’t the perfect image of health when it comes to getting sick and injuries. My younger Brother being disabled physically and mentally, my older Brother also having his fair share of injections.

I myself, am not much of an exception.

When you arrive into adulthood you realise how much you have to take into responsibility with your health, physical or mental. I knew something wasn’t right and I called up and we chatted and soon I’m going to try and get more help with my mental health as well as try my best to work out a way to control my weight.

When you’ve neglected a lot of yourself for a long time, you tend to have really negative emotions appear in your thoughts. You think is there really a point in changing now? Am I too late? When in reality, no, it’s not. When you are dead – It’s too late.
They call you bad.
I say your miss understood.

They call you weird.
I say your creative.

They call you a failure.
I say you tried.

They call you boring.
I say you have different views of fun.

They call you broken.
I say your healing.

                          With love,
Egg May 22
We cannot write silence.
The beats.
The pause.
The breath.
The way it aches
and persists

and begs that,

if only for a moment,

our consciousness is only a whisper.
our bodies,
our lips,
the air that passes through falling chests
and stillness.

A melody of emotion.
Sleeping in the quiet of a heartbeat skipped
a word lost to the wind.

The wickedness of reticence
Encapsulated in air and time.

The moment stretched too long.
Hesitation perpetuated in the grip of fingernails
pressed into palms.

We cannot write silence,
but we can try.

to find a way to immortalize emotion
to create space
in the ceaseless drone of words that speak and spin.

I cannot write silence. But I can write
tears and years
and the burn of long-stretched lies.

I can write goodbyes and hellos
And dozen ways to say
I love to hate you
I hate to love you
and sometimes
I cannot tell the difference.
The space I have upheld for myself.

I love to hate you

I hate to love you too.

I cannot write silence.
But I know it.
and I have held it in my hand.
Inspired by the Vanity Fair article of André Aciman's reaction to his book *Call Me By Your Name* being made into a movie. Specifically the quote, "I couldn't write silence."
Lauren Dolbow Oct 2017
On a sunny day in October
my life would change forever
for I waited for a girl, who now is my world
she showed up at my door so confident and mature
I seen this intelligence standing in front of me
it was pure natural beauty
I have never laid my eyes on such a beautiful surprise
oh how she pulled me in with those gooey brown eyes
I thought for sure I was going to die
for my heart would give out at any second
oh how i've never seen this kind of obsession
everything about her I just adore
the way she looks at me makes me love her even more
oh how the freckles dance across her face
or how her smile catches at my taste
I crave her everyday
I miss her even when she is not away
oh my love, I am so glad I met you
no one could ever be as special as you
for you have qualities that in this decade have almost completely dissipated, but with you I am so elated
So because of that sunny day in October
we can spend this rainy day together.
Written by Lauren Dolbow
Amanda May 6
I wish we lived closer
Talked more than we do
It is hard to find time
To call and speak with you

I am always pleased to hear your voice
It's not the words but the sound I enjoy
A symphony of unconditional love
Echoing comfort and joy

Our calls might be infrequent
Special for that reason
If you need a friend
I will answer any season

Whether you are angry or sad
I will listen with my open heart
I am only a phone call away
If we are near or far apart
For my big brother Michael.
Amanda May 5
Broken is lying awake all night
Asking how love so strong could die
Unable to force eyelids closed to sleep
Or do anything except cry

It is counting reasons on your hand
Sharing secrets with your cup of coffee or tea
Searching for his face everywhere you go
Even places you know he won't be

It is waiting for a call that never comes
The one where he begs for you back
Staring at your reflection
Wishing for the beauty you lack

It is holding his old T-shirt tight
Sitting on hard bathroom tile
You know you will never be the same without him
Broken is thinking nothing can ever again make you smile
When you have finally given up. Written 4/14/13
E McNamara May 1
When I sliced that tender flesh
Bleeding still, so ever fresh

It was not that I tried to die
But because I wanted to feel alive

So save me from this aching death
One of hatred and harsh breath

Suffering on the inside
My bleeding heart, now bleeding thighs

My throat choked and wailed
As my sadness was veiled

So help them, and help us all
Whose ripped skin is a pleading call
I know I'm sharing a lot of depressing poems lately. Do not be concerned. These are all my old poems from when I was depressed or I'm writing from past experiences. I just recently have gotten the courage to share them. Love you all :)
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