Their youth has not grown old, not yet tired, only their age because their numbers don't add up They is too big or too small, for this body or this mind they cannot be sure Assurances is not a class they can take
after absolutism was abolished with the sun uncertainty guides them and they let it
What they loves is the night, and they loved their day, and they loves the breath of life They is not one here for adventure, but seeking it They finds joy in the sound of silent heartbeats and in the glow of closed store window lights and coffeeshops and money not well spent in excuses and experiences down aisles and between crowds of excessively loud and side-eyed people infused with unseen smoke and voices that hang in the air
in pointless conversations about self-care and self-hatred and self-acceptance because connection does not happen with shared cables or hugs or fingertips
it's gotta be the craniums tuned in to the same radio color They smile at the time lost and the temperature fluctuations at warmth and unread newspapers at insulating their takeout with their poor choices even drinking forbidden coffee at 10 at night vintage or handmade thrills They laugh at the idolatry of merchandise and the idolatry of spirituality and religion even as they bow to the ground for their god
and they pray
listening to his ears for revelation or any enlightenment left in his neurons Input without limitation, and enjoy now all of it is a distraction from the restriction from the wrong place and wrong time
from the wrong skin concealed by binding clothing, huff, huff They inhales the world, and all the kindness but only to exhale carbon dioxide
these ingredients are essential to my soul like a potion I inhale its potent sweetness so light on my tongue it slips past my teeth, tumbling down my throat to reside in my belly glowing in my heart, awakening my bones so I can sleep as though I'd never been born
I died on a Sunday. My body numb from her words Punctured in my heart . Breathless. I could not inhale the change . I buried the pain and turned the page . My life was traded with the unknown. I mourned the loss of the future and not the past. Everything I had hoped for was ripped from my grasp . That was the end of me .
20 years on the god forsaken planet and i forgot how to breathe Constantly grasping for a life guard, not because i cant swim no more like, well lets put it this way I'm an Olympic athlete, or at least so i tell myself i should be I must swim like i've been doing it my whole life but i just started trying a week ago so why am i not a pro?
Everyday we put this extreme expectation on ourselves expecting to climb mountains when we spend the past 3 years smoking a pack a day
Think about that
We would never get mad at someone if they lost a race when they have broken legs
So why get mad at yourself when you just cant today
"why cant you get out of bed" "Why are you so lazy" "No one wants to see your **** face"
Over and over and over again
"it will be okay" "Practice hard everyday and you can be an Olympic athlete" "Practice Everyday and you can learn to love yourself" "Practice everyday and those overbearing thoughts will soon drown themselves in the flow of self love"
I’m better When i think about you i don’t feel like I can’t breathe anymore I don’t hold my breathe anymore I don’t take it for granted anymore I inhale deeply And i remember what it feels like To be deprived To be suffocating