My mind is a minor flutter;
Looping movies within ultimate stutters.
I'd tell you I'm feeling better,
But I am a stick of butter.
I look into gaze of grateful maze,
Only to pop amongst unholy haze.
My mind is beautiful,
But what is the craze?
My ego deserves to jump into my idiot blaze.
I hope this is a phase.
Little do I know that I am an end;
Whether I am today or tomorrow, it depends,
Though it will come soon.
The red blends with my toothpaste.
I am falling apart
I can feel it
How long will I last?
Let my stamina tell you when the time comes
Brittle, broken, beaten
I carry in my chest
a moldy stone.
It used to flutter once
and beat harmoniously.
coiling around this planet
finally found it.
And now my heart is only a moldy stone, all thanks to this cruel world.
My body's shaking,
my bones are breaking.
Something from many, many years ago.
I forgot how it felt to be hungry
How your bones rack for crumbs on the bottom of your heart
My bones feel like brittle; ready to break at a gush of wind
But Brittle is candy
Candy is a sweet delicacy of whom people like me refuse to have
Candy is what I believe I can be
Only if I change into one of those target plastic models
Perfect and pristine, standing as if they are mocking me
Making fun of my creatures in the dark
And my not-so-ideal summer body
I just want a summer body
I want to see what other people see in me
I want to be all that I could be if I was pretty
So I start dropping things off of my menu, drop by drop
First a side dish, then my sugary drink
That drink should go to hell for how much weight it makes me gain
I reach down my throat until my regrets come back up
Reminding me I cannot be pretty the way other girls get to be
Ducking to the restroom after a meal
Anxiety overwhelming every ounce of me as soon as I eat
There is beauty in pain, right?
Or beauty is pain?
Either way, they are correlated
That is good enough to allow me to turn myself in who I want to be
I was over this, I thought I was over being hungry
But then a man stared at me while I was walking to Walgreens
I do this to be beautiful for just a moment
But I also do this to disappear
Don’t look at me like that flesh of meat that day on that broken night
I want it to go away even if it means my bones shake on a sunny day
Even if my soul weeps at night
Even if my friends pick up on what’s wrong
Oh, please don’t pick up on what’s wrong
Can’t you see what you’re doing to me?
Let me be in control of my body
Watch me clatter to the floor and please don’t help me
Let me shake and quake
Watch me wear a heavy sweater and get out of breath walking
Let me substitute food for sweet vapor in my lungs
oooh it tastes sweet like brittle
Let me disappear
Please just let me disappear.
Trigger warning! This is a personal experience so please be nice :)
Planted with love,
watered by compassion,
fertilized with the light of our presence.
But it was all an illusion,
for the it was planted in betrayal,
watered with disappointments,
fertilized with lies
and maintained by fakes.
Our roses were red,
but now they are dead.
Weak and brittle petals,
crumbling beneath my feet.
Once upon a time
I was sweet, soft and bright
Now I am dry, hard and dark
When did I stop looking at the sky,
chasing the warm sensuality
and start slouching to the ground.
Hue and texture are no longer the same,
my thorns have been magnified
with the petals of my love
crumbled and withered away.
I am no longer the same.
Like the rose was our love,
watered with the best of selves,
soaked in the light of our presence;
flourishing and blooming.
But now memories are crumbling
and our love is withering and fading.
A dead rose is the only remainder
from a life of beauty and admiration.
Now we love in the shadows
and stolen whispers
of the weak and brittle petals
Save the love and memories, that these petals now carry
how does one live
knowing there is nothing they can say
to scare away pain
their words are weak and brittle
yet they say them all the same
Do you know me?
I grew up without a mother
She left when my oldest sister was three
Even when my sister was close to dying
She spent money on drugs instead of for flying
I hated my dad for keeping us away from her when I was little
When I was 16 I realized she was brittle
When it was my sister's graduation day
They talked for one minute because she had nothing to say
She told my dad that she was going to move out here
A year later and she's not even here
She gave my hopes up
So much that it felt like a breakup
She asked my dad when I was born
That pierced my heart with thousands of thorns
Does she even deserve the title mother
When she lies one after another
At the time it seemed easier to run away
Than to fix our differences and just stay.
It has shaped me into the person that I am today,
But I know my damage cannot be fixed with everything that I say.
I understand the damage I made cuts further than what meets the eye,
Believe me I’ve experienced this first-hand so by now I realize
That nothing good can come from these brittle lies.
I am sorry.
Just as I have had toxic people in my life, I’ll be the first to admit that I was once toxic in someone else’s.