Christmas is over
New year has begun
Not sure I'm ready for another one
Done all the things I resolved not to do
The lights blazing down
Time just flew

The world looks newer than before
Burning bright with colors galore
Feel it turn as I go through my day
Long years behind
Short ones on the way

Lighting life with the glow from ahead
Steps have went the wrong way instead
Branch is just too high to reach
Consumed in never-ending breach

The flame marks the proper route
Spells cast make it hard to get out
When my foot bravely goes to tread
Suddenly cells are made of lead

My fire drags me the opposite direction
Everglow remains in the darkest section
Memories of long ago linger in my head
Love I lost
Can't let go of
Remains in words unsaid

When asked my resolution I always respond
"Stop saying yes to things I am of rather not fond"
Of course I never commit and fail within a week
I try nonetheless though my attempt is too weak

Do not shun your chance at life

You have something to hold onto
Something to live for
A dream to hold
An idea
A word
-Something!

Those are not answers
The ways out
No escapes

Wonder a future where happiness is yours

That future belongs to you

You have to keep the image of your smile unwavering in your mind

If pursuit of joy ceases not I promise you will have it one day

Through experience I have learned that no matter how dark the night
It always ends

The dawn of a better day coming

Let faith be undying and that faith in the universe
In time
Will be rewarded

I am living proof of that

We have both been trying hard
Results aren't what we'd hoped
Past creeping in to haunt us
Use substances to help cope

Believe we could get so much more
So close to the life we planned
Few inches from the finish line
Cannot escape the drug's command

Your detachment is what hurts
I treat you the same in return
So removed from love we share
Trust a reward that will never be earned

Something changed between us
Don't have the same look in your eye
Need as much as I did back then
You aren't even required to try

Invest equal portions of yourself
You mean each word you say
Promise is simple to start
Not easy to finish all the way

New problems arise out of thin air
Relationship steadily falling apart
Will you be able to understand?
Truly know the ins and outs of my heart?

Be the man aspired to be
Person who's honest and kind
Just around the corner
So challenging to find

We battle vices
Demons on our backs
Inside our heads
They stop us in our tracks

I know addiction is taking its toll
My body
Soul
And brain
Successfully worse than you and we both know it
Fact you don't have to explain

Most our fights are started by
Own stupid insecurity
Love me when I'm wrong
Can't seem to compromise or agree

Leave in pieces like you always do
Eventually you'll come around
But your presence lately feels more like a ghost
To your side I remain bound

I will be the first to take the step
Forward in the right direction
At night the fear races around my skull
Are lives past the point of correction?

This time I am going to do things differently
I'm so scared we're destined to fail
Was in a state of blind hope before
Blinded but I learned to read braille

All this feels vaguely familiar
It's only a matter of time
I'll find out you haven't changed
Not ready to accept the signs

I wish I decided with my brain
I'm in a battle with my heart
One pulls your direction
The other
Drags away cause we're better apart

It starts with only a sip
Swish
Swallow
Turns to a chug
Shot is soon to follow

Next have a drink
What damage could one do?
First wasn't bad
Why not two?

A beer switches to six-packs
Twelve-pack to a keg
Before you know
You are on your last leg

A glass of wine daily is fine
Til glass grows into a bottle
Coasting gently one second
Next speeding wide-open
Scared
Full-throttle

What begins as play and fun
Soon escalates to live-or-die
Stops being casual
You partake without knowing why

The line between both are fuzzy
Tipping point never clear
Problem is you cannot see it
After you approach near

Once you have crossed there's no going back
Life becomes a sinking ship
Pause a minute and ask yourself
"Is it worth the cost?"
Before choosing to take that "harmless" sip

(Verse 1:)
I like the way your mind works
Wanna see what's inside your brain
Way your light blue eyes act just like a windowpane
I am stuck here on the outside in the pouring rain
You are inside
Warm and dry
In a place so sane
You said I don't have the right
That I don't know your pain
Keep driving forward
Stay out of your lane
Like we were behind steering wheels
Fast-paced action movie reel
One where we steal an automobile
Run away to Jamaica or Brazil
But that would be too ideal
Silver screen **** is not real
Do you own a gun?
Cause you blow my mind
In a tight spot
A bind
Screaming at you some of the time
Other half I treat you kind
Resolution we cannot find
No cooperation
Or compromise
Two of us are misaligned
I cant leave the past behind
Our souls stay intertwined
This love ****'s got me blind

(Hook:)
I have told people how I felt before
Begged them to hear but this is more
You want to know what's held in my heart
We're together but I'm torn apart

(Verse 2:)
The horizon longs for an endless sunset
Pinks
Reds
Colors so violent
Flesh and blood painted
Shades vibrant
Not ready to face the end of the day yet
Congratulations!
You are alive
Welcome each morning with two open eyes
Free as birds without wings to fly
That's just reality
I guess that's life
It's so crazy at times I think that's why
There is magnetism between you and I
You are yin to my yang
The dark to my light
Most beautiful thing on which I've laid sight
If I sat back
Reclined
While this whole thing plays out
In my room
Headphones on
Listening to music loud
It would be you I write about

(Hook)

(Verse 3:)
If we kiss will it bring you back from the dead?
Resurrect your body and take mine instead?
Breath stolen from my lungs for just one second
Fogging up mirrors to hide from my reflection
Suppose you did not need me to love you and care
Woke up in my arms today but tomorrow might not be there
A bridge burnt
Am now rebuilding
But it goes nowhere
Putting faith in what's made out of thin air
When eyes are closed I truly can see
Make my heart pound
Make it hard to breathe
I believe you belong with me
I can never be sure if you agree

Be honest
Do you baby?
...Do you agree?
That we're meant to be...?

I am not a perfect daughter
I'm sure you agree
Your temper is hotter
I'm the reason frequently
Telling you it is only in your brain
You have a meltdown
Upset
Chalking worry up to being insane
Not what you deserve to get
Going to be an improved child
I'm completely grown
Easy to provoke and wild
Still the sweet baby you've always known
Now I am telling you I'm sorry
For excessive bitchiness and tears
Blaming you when it was me
Causing half the problems through the years
It is not easy to admit I'm wrong
Doesn't mean that you are right
It takes two to get along
Like it does to fight
It is going to take determination from both of us
It will be worth the patience to try
Maybe peace we longingly discuss
Will be reality for you and I
I cannot change this on my own
Wish you would meet me halfway
Once in awhile just leave it alone
On subjects you feel you must put in your say
You want what's best for me
Hurt because you care
One thing I've been itching to let free
"Thank you" for being there
Regardless of what flaws come between
Relationship has withstood them all
Though at times you can act mean
Petty quarrels usually stay small
So this is a token of my hidden gratitude
To show how you mean so much
Also an apology for being rude
Not keeping in proper touch
No matter how drastic our ups and downs
The thing that will not ever change
That you'll always be around
Arms open to me despite how strange
I often take that for granted
Focus on bad stuff you've done
Of all the occasions I've ranted
Not once did I mention the depth of your love
The countless sacrifices you willingly made
In order for me to do well
How my hair you'd affectionately braid
Somehow I left out of the stories I'd tell
So it is written (here in purple ink no less)
Save as proof of what's in my heart
Next time it will remind us when in distress
What is important when falling apart
Forgive me for pain I've inflicted
Lies and each mess my hand makes
Know my actions have left you afflicted
I swear I'll make up for all the mistakes

It is a brand new year
Time refreshing once more
I wonder what changes lie ahead
What 2020 has in store

Tears fall heavier than ever

Each seems to be made of lead

Dense weights holding immense amounts of agony kept in my soul

So I release one by one so I can be light again

Our biggest mistake is
We want badly to find
Love that is true and real
So we let ourselves grow blind

It is hard to believe I am 24
Where have years all gone?
I've tried and tried to stop time
Hours continue ticking on
This short life is precious
Existence goes to waste
All the good this world offers
I have had only but a taste
I love watching every sunset
Hate what they all mean
Wish I was still young
Thinking what could've been

They say "You gotta pay to play"    
Finding that's too true
******* ten ways from Sunday
No clue what I should do

Learning I can't maintain
I WAS in control
Overestimated brain
Habit swallowing me whole

Panic stricken voice
Gait leading to and fro
Haunted by one foolish choice
This agony I owe

I made the bed I am lying in
It's time to say goodnight
Afraid of darkness growing within
Bring myself to turn out the light

Cause and effect
It is simple and plain
Repeat the  same mistake once more
Is it really a mistake
If already made before?

Enjoy every minute you are alive
Bad as well as the good
Bits of happiness wait to be mined
That make life as it should

They said happiness cannot be bought
Please believe that's correct
Leave me peace and thought
To quietly reflect

Another day
Little things
Say "thank you" and "please"
Feel so up and down like swings
Alone with memories

I say be thankful for all
That is fine if you don't agree
Value each moment
No matter how small
They all hold importance to me

Why am I still sad?
Blessed with reasons to be glad
Always feeling bad

I am painting myself in shades of grey
Dipping the brush
Contouring away
Bright colors have no place here today

To make something change must fight
You aren't born a champion
But made
Just have to push towards the light
To the day weakness delayed

Everything fine fake
Just can't take Hollywood snakes
At the stars eyes ache

Her ebony hair fell down across shoulders like a thick storm curtain

Tied knots around fingers like drawstrings

And I have not ever seen such a beautiful display of heartache

In ebony locks a tragedy is written
A paragraph in each strand

And in hands she cradles pieces of what is left of her intertwined emotions

Her ebony heart cracked open wide
Toppled over
Empty of love

We made a number of mistakes

On an emerald-dotted trail tripped and fell on our faces

Lost in our selfish fog

We landed somewhere foreign
Someplace frightening

As we counted footsteps to safety we somehow became separated from each other

Wearing smiles like souvenirs from a location we would never visit again

Hope the feeling of worthlessness flees my worried frame

Can you make my brain stable?

When you know the security code
Punch into my mental keypad
No other combination of words will silence the alarms of self-loathing blaring within
Ricocheting off the walls of my skull
Echoing each and every flaw exposed in myself

All it takes
One little thing to trip the sensor
And it hurts my whole defense system

You are the one able to disarm my security
And the reason is because you installed it
I had no method of protecting myself before you put me in your perspective
Now when something breaks through defense mechanism
Instead of letting confidence get stolen
Triggered noise helps me block out the negativity and focus on things I do like about myself
Then to revert my day back to normal completely all you have to do is enter the magic passcode with a sweet whisper in my ear
"You're beautiful"

Promise if you get lost
We'll get lost together
Do not let go of my hand if you are drawn into the nether
I love too much to let you face darkness alone
Regardless of how hard you try to go on your own
I will follow you all the way to hell if I must
You may as well give in and surrender your trust
You will never shake me or scare me away
Caring arms are here to stay
If we lose sanity I will not mind
As long as I'm never left behind
If you tumble down the rabbit hole
Have no choice but to fall
A life without you is no life at all

And give my body the beating deserved

The sadness it's had coming since the get-go
I've been fortunate enough to avoid it for the most part
It's only grazed me til now

To write again I need wounds so that I may dip my pen in the blood to spell out my tragedy in bright red ink

You are the thing that still gives me hope
Reincarnation of an angel sent to help me cope
Don't know what I did to deserve your love
If this place is not heaven I don't wanna fly above

This dream better than anything known before
Breathing as warmth spreads throughout core
So happy to share same air as your skin
Surroundings are hazy as head starts to spin

Transparent emotions force to bare all
Hear the words you say chisel away at my wall
Across the room move and feel an invisible nudge
Going to assume when reversed you also budge

Take my hands and let electricity flow
Only you alone will ever really know
How ****** and flawed I truly am
Sincerely not giving a ****

Despite hurting you a plethora of times
Forgiven me for the array of past crimes
When we fall asleep holding each other tight
Look to the future knowing it will be alright

Chase happiness as fast you can

Because you are only getting older
Slower
And more out-of-shape
So your best chance at catching that **** is RIGHT NOW!